Potato! A Peek In Louis Walsh's Closet

It's a bit late really, and I had planned on doing it during X-Factor, but I was being very sociable at the time (i.e. Getting pissed a lot) and never got around to it. So for my pleasure if nobody else's here is a blog on Louis Walsh

Fans of reality TV will probably best know the Leprechaun of Pop as a judge on music reality TV shows, cutting his teeth on Popstars in Ireland, and Popstars:The Rivals before becoming Simon Cowell's prank monkey on X-Factor. Louis is in fact also a manager of Pop Bands, who clients have included Boyzone, Westlife, Girls Aloud and ...grrrrr... Jedward! It is not for his managerial career that I am now going to character assassinate him (though the Jedward thing is an atrocity that should not go unpunished) instead I am going to tear him a new arsehole (which he would like) for his performance on X-Factor!

The last series just highlighted to me what an utter tool the man is. He has got the easiest job going honestly - he must have put some work into licking Mr Cowell's arse because I think anyone could replace Louis on the judging pannel - though to be fair it would take a special kind of fool to be the Louis of the group. I think I could teach any of you to be Louis though - so much so that you can just follow this guide below if you think you can be Louis!....

1. Wit & Humour
You would probably think that to be a judge on X-Factor you need these - not if you are being Louis. Cowell is obviously a witty, funny man and doesn't want that upstaged. Therefore he has beautiful women on the panel who are likeable by most people, but aren't as funny as him. Therefore to be Louis you need to have NO wit or humour. It is okay though because you can still try - Cowell will just talk over you, sweep you away with a swipe at your unconfirmed (LOL!) homosexuality and nobody will laugh with you anyway, just at you. A typical example...

Simon: "I don't know what Louis was thinking giving you 'Making Your Mind Up' to sing"

Louis: "I just picked your favourite song Simon" (cue no laughs)

Simon: "Shut up Louis - it will be YMCA next week with you" (cue laughs)

2. You Handsome Devil
Much like the sense of humour and wit this is not required at all. Flat-top, moob-laden, chisel face Cowell does not want the women looking at someone better looking than him. Cue potato-faced short-arse tub guts Louis to make Cowell look better. The thing is, much like Louis himself, you might resent this and try to make yourself look younger. If you wish to do this you will need to wear jeans with a striped shirt - walking with one hand in a pocket - and spike your grey hair into a ridiculously youthful hairstyle for a nearly 60-year old homosexualite. Better yet you can start dying your hair into a weird array of browny-grey colours ( Try L'Oreal colours Tawny Beaver or Stricken Stoat) to make you look like the ultimate Cunty-Haired Buffoon.

3. Nice Butt
To undertake your new role as the Louis of X-factor there is something else you should expect. You will become the butt of the jokes of the whole team. I'm not even talking about the verbal jibes that will be made against you by your fellow judges. I'm talking about the little things the production team will do to you. For one you will always get the shittest category

Dermot voiceover: "This year the production team decided to shake things up with the categories. They are now. 'Girls under 60', 'Boys Under 60', 'Groups' and 'Mentalists & People with Tourettes"

Louis: "I hope I get da boys"

Production Team: "Louis, you've got.....[pause for dramatic effect]........ 'Mentalists & People With Tourettes"

Louis: "I truly tink I got da best category"


That's not where it ends though. You will also be screwed over at Judges Houses stage. The production team will arrange for Simon to take his category to "his" house in LA, Danni will take her category to "her" villa in tenerife, , Cheryl will take her category to "her" Luxuary Apartment in Monte Carlo...where do you get? You get to take them to "your" bungalow in your own home town! Yet you will take all of this because you are fame hungry and love being seen on TV, even though the British public is really quite indifferent to you.

4. Britain's Got Talent
Ok you have put up with some shit to get this job, but you don't mind because it's all about the fame for you. Now you think you need to do all the hard work - don't sweat on it. Just put through everyone from your own country and anyone who you fancy. It is that easy - it's not about the talent really, just the story of the contestants.

5. It's Just a Phrase You Are Going Through
You might think that you need to be prepared to give feedback to the contestants on the show that is original and witty, but to be honest Louis has been able to get through 7 series by using and reusing the same phrases again and again. You might struggle here so what I have done is gave you Louis' phrase and translated it for you just in case you want to use them.

"You're tru"

- You have progressed to the next stage

"I want all of Ireland/Scotland/Wales/Liverpool/Manchester to vote for you"

- you have got no chance of winning

"It was fun & entertaining"

- It was shite but I have been lumbered with the worst category again

"You remind me of a young [Insert name of singer of same ethnic background] "

- I'm going to compare you to someone based on your skin colour rather than sound of your voice

"But Simon, da young people will love dem"

- these are annoying twats but I want to bum them.

"I hope you go all da way"

- I want to bum you

"I've championed ye from the start"

- I want to bum you

"Da girls love ye"

- I want to bum you

"I see you with a big future in the record industry"

- I want to bum you

"I want ye to make da final and want people to vote for ye"

- I want to bum you

"But Simon he is only 16 years old"

- I want to bum him

"Der's something missing for me"

- You are female

"You are tru to Week x/Quater-Final/Semi-Final/Final"

- I've used up all of my phrases tonight

And that is it. That is how you too could be Louis Walsh - its an easy job, but helps if you are a cunty-haired buffon. Are you the right person to be the new Louis?

25 Facts About Me

1. I enjoy singing songs in my car in regional accents - Cockney "Killer Queen" is my best, though I do a mean Yorkshire "Oh What A Night"

2. I am an Associated Board Of Music qualified Cellist - though haven't touched a Cello for about 15yrs!

3. The smell of Beetroot makes me retch

4. I have climbed Snowden

5. I once played Prince Charming in a school play

6. I have sang on Radio 4 - yep the boring churchy one

7. The most famous person I ever met is Warrior from Gladiators (well until I met Al Murray that is!)

8. I have a phobia of wasps - and have been known to dive off Bouncy Castles at a speed of 75mph when a wasp flew near me

9. I once dressed as a Meff for Comic Relief and sang a cover version of the Beatles song Help! with 3 mates

5. I am numerically dyslexic

11. I have only ever owned Fiesta's

12. I am one of the few children of my generation to have actually owned the elusive Mr Frosty - that every child wanted, but few ever got.

13. My first home was a pub

14. I won the Lower School Quiz in 1993, and with my book token bought a Spanish Dictionary

15. The first time I flew on a plane was an 8hr flight to Orlando - where I was stranded for New Year!

16. Dawn French once nearly picked my postcard out of a prize dip on Going Live!

17. I tend to find people who say "I'm mad me" to be tit heads

18. I was once attacked with a traffic cone

19. My dream holiday would be to Australia - though a close 2nd would be New York

20. My Grandad was a Professional Boxer in the 1920s/30s, but had to retire because he was deaf and knocked out his opponent after the bell went.

21. It took me 3 times to pass my Driving Test

22. I once made a Viking Costume out of a pair of furry curtains

23. I can tell the difference between Pepsi & Coke - Pepsi is better

24. I used to think Natalie Imbruglia was the sexiest woman in the world, espcially during her Neightbours days

25. I'm a firm believer in the "laughter is the best medicine" school of thought - unless you have Diabetes, in which case Insulin is the best medicine.

How's About That Zen

Another old post. Not my work but still worth a little look through:-

1. Save The Whales. Collect the Whole Set.


2. A Day Without Sunshine is Like, Night.


3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers..


4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.


5. 82.7% Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.


6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.


7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.


8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.


9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.


10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.


11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.


12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.


13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.


14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.


15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.


16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.


17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.


18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!


19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.


20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!


21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.


22. How Many Of You Believe In Psychokinesis? Raise My Hand.


23 . OK,.... So What's The Speed Of Dark?


24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?


25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.


26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.


27. Hard Work May Pay Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.


28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.


29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?


30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?


31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.


32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?


33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.


34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.


35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?


36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened.


37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off

Rude Rhymes

I was doing a bit of a clean up job of my PC and came across some old blogs. I thought this was worth a bit of a repost. It's old school nursery rhymes with a rude twist:-

______________________

Mary had a little skirt
'Twas split right up the sides
And every where that Mary walked
The boys could see her thighs

Mary had another skirt
'Twas split way up the front
And every where that Mary went
The boys could see her…
…but she didn't wear that one very often!

___________________

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Her skirt all battered and torn
It wasn't the spider who sat down beside her
It was Little Boy Blue with his horn!

_______________________

Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman to Simple Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead!"

______________________

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Said, "F**k him, he's only an egg!"

_________________________

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon!

______________________

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, because he's gay!

__________________________

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have some hanky panky
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Frankie!

Enjoy The Big Balls

Hello Dear Tweepies

Seen as though I quite enjoyed doing my last blog post about Westlife, I thought I'd dig out another one of my old blogs from a few years ago, give it a dust up and present it to a new generation. This one is about etiquette, because as you can no doubt tell from my tweets I am the height of decorum and the best possible person to advise you on how to act in polite society.

As you are no doubt aware in any social calender, you will find that Christmas is the time for numerous Balls. You might be daunted by such occasions, but with my help and by following the 8 simple steps below you will find that you can mingle with High Society without embarrassment. Who knows, you may even be invited to Prince William & Kate Middleton's Wedding.

The 7 Virtues Of Correct Usage Of The English Language
(A.K.A What Not To Swear)


1. Greetings (aka the Sir Joseph Boswell Technique)
The correct way to greet your fellow party patrons is to use the much maligned "Hello". Do remember that as a member of the elite you should pronounce this thusly "Hail Ear" practice this out loud so that it become second nature. One should not under any circumstances say "Hi" "Wotcha" or "Fucking hell it's hot in here, the sweat is pissing out of me!"

2. Affirmation (aka The Lady Katherine Price "Just Cannot Say No" Technique)
One may find oneself in conversation with a fellow patron, and find oneself, for example, in a discussion about the problems with your servants, and how best to handle your staff. Quite often a patron will have a viable solution which you agree with. The correct way to agree with a question of course is to use the word "Yes" (pronounce "Ears"). One should not say "Too Fucking Right" or "Yeah, I know"

3. Negatory (aka the Doctor No Technique)
On occasion one might find oneself in the unfortunate position of having to disagree with ones fellow patron. For example, Lady Lorraine Kelly may say in polite conversation to Countess Fiona Phillips "One has found that one has reached one limits with cucumber now don't you think?" the Countess however has developed other uses for said legume and would like to reply in a negative manner. Of course the Countess should say "No" (Pronounce this as "Near") not "Bollocks" or "No Fucking Way"

4. Refreshments (aka The Sir George Best Technique)
Of course Social Balls are always filled with alcohol, which is perfectly acceptable. For preference Ladies should drink Champagne or good Cabernet Sauvignon (a '79 for preference) and Gentlemen should drink a good Cognac or Port. One should not say "Mine's a pint" or "Shall we have shooters" but should opt for more decorum and say "Ears Lady Beckham I would like to partake in a petite glarss of Chateau Distel"

5. Powdering One's Nose (aka The Lady Kathrine Moss Technique)
With the refreshments flowing at some point one would undoubtedly need to use the facilities of the establishment. This is a tricky situation, which will require your tact and social graces. You should politely excuse yourself with a polite euphemism, such as "Excusez-Moi, but I must have a word with Mr Armitage Shanks" or "I must freshen up". Under no circumstances say "I need to shake my lettuce" or "Frigging hell the turtles head is poking out"

6. The Excuse Me (aka The Sir John Travolta Technique)
During one of these Balls there will no doubt be a musical interlude which will require you to partake in some dancing. This is all well and good, but under no circumstances should a lady approach a gentleman. Ladies should stand to one side of the room, and coquettishly fan themselves or mingle in small groups. At this point the Gentleman should should approach a suitable lady and say "Excuse me my lady, but would you do me the very great honour of accompanying me for this dance?". Do not under any circumstances say "Grab your coat love, you've pulled" or "I fucking love this song, dance you miserable bastard".

7. The Art Of Mingling (aka The Mr The Merciless Technique)
One should use the occasion to make social connections to the right persons in attendance. By mingling with your fellow patrons you will soon receive invitations to a variety of Garden Parties, Candlelit Suppers and Bar Mitzvah's, and therefore increase your social standings. You should approach fellow patrons give a brief introduction and then discuss relevant topics such as "All of these Johnny Foreigners are taking our jobs" and "You just can't get the staff today". Do not say "Alright fat arse, how's it going" or "Huh huh huh, David Walliams took me up the wrong'un last night"


Wear For Art Thou
(aka "Suits You Sir!")

Of course one knows that one's appearance is the only way to guarantee one's future invitation to prestigious events. Luckily things are quite simple this season. Gentlemen should of course wear Top Hat, Tails & Full Three Piece Suit. Monocles are optional. Some Middle Class People have taken to smoking Cuban Cigars, but a REAL Gentleman should only attempt to smoke a Pipe. Ladies should wear full Ball Gown, Fur Stole, Head Gear and of course a fan. Parasols are acceptable if the weather is inclement. Ladies should not smoke if possible, but if they do it should be black cigarettes from a Cigarette Holder. One should not Roll Their Own or smoke Marijuana.

And there we have it. These simple lessons should allow you to enjoy your night and keep you safe in the knowledge that you have held yourself in complete decorum. Enjoy the Ball.

Don't Forget The Key Change In The Final Fifth

A bit of a Gaelic themed blog for you today, as I pick on the Oirish or rather four Oirish people to be exact, namely Westlife. The laziest band in Pop. Anyone could form a band like Westlife, and I suggest you give it a try because you could end up being the next Louis Walsh, though probably not as much as a C**t and you won't have to dye your hair Stoaty Weasely Grey/brown.
To make your own Westlife you need to follow 5 simple steps.....

STEP 1 - "I have a dream"
To form your new band you need to find 5 decent looking lads, only one of which needs to know how to sing, though if you can find 2 you are set. To make your own Westlife you will need the following types though - the good singer with the strangely shaped head; the secret gay who loves singing and gets all emotional when he is singing about love; one who will struggle with his weight thus providing newspapers with enough fodder that you can keep your gay closeted for years; one who would like to be cute but actually looks a bit like a transvestite; and finally the best looking one who is unfortunately mute. Your new band members must now project an image of good homeloving lads who want to buy their ma a new house.

STEP 2 - "Fool Again"
Save yourself a bit of money and protect the fat singers life by NOT employing a choreographer. Invest in 5 stools (don't worry if one of them leaves to make it as a solo singer you can sell the stool on ebay - just keep all the packaging!) and then dress your singers in suits and have them sitting down in all their concerts thus disguising their woeful dancing skills. This saves even more money because you don't have to rent one of those rooms with a big mirror in it for them to practice or hire Louis Spence.

STEP 3 - "Against All Odds"
The hard part comes now, or does it? You have to have some songs that the public will like and want to buy, but the public are a fickle lot in the most part, so how do you know what they will like? Easy, just rob songs that have already been a top 10 hit and use your formula for making the song have that Westlife sound. Namely, the brief pause followed by a key change in the final fifth where you get the lads (well the two who do the singing) to give it some welly. Don't worry no one will cotton on that you do the same thing in every song until you have made some serious money. To improve your chances of having a hit get a struggling singer from the 80's who wants to promote a Greatest Hits album to duet with you. I'm sure Lionel Richie or Lulu will be available. If all else fails bring out a swing album, it worked for Robbie Williams after all.

STEP 4 -"Flying Without Wings"
Are you finding that you feel that the band is getting a bit stale? How can you spice it up? That's easy too. Encourage the one with the biggest ego to show his real self to the public, he doesn't want to be making sugary pop songs, he wants to prove to the world that he is a real muscian. Let him write a few songs, don't worry you can use them as B-Sides or put them at the arse end of the next album. With any luck he will want to go solo for more credibility - oh no that's a disaster - no it isn't for you - only for him! All you need to do is get the remaining four lads to tell the press that they bravely will carry on with Mr Ego! Time to bring out that swing album to keep the momentum going I think. If things still seem stale after this all you need to do is out the gay one. The press will go wild, the gay community will want to support their fellow gay, it's win win!

STEP 5 - "You Raise Me Up"
It's 10 years since the band have finally split up after their RnB album failed. They've all tried to move on - the good singer with the funny shaped head had a one-hit wonder and is still big in Japan; the gay one came third in Dancing on Stilts; the mute took up DJing, but only gets weddings now; the fat one was given an MOT by Dr Gillian Keith, who just by looking at his poo came up with a diet & he now weighs in at an almost svelte 13st; and the transvestite look-a-like became a judge on I'm In The Mood For Dancing, the show on a quest to find someone to play Berni Nolan in the musical about the Oirish Pop sisters. With all of their careers on the skids now is the perfect time to reform the group and ride a wave of late 90's/early 2000's nostalgia. Get the group on tour and you can even re-release the Greatest Hits Album, and even include that version of 9 to 5 that you had been saving for the winner of X-Factor 14. You don't even have to worry about having groups for supporting artists - Aqua and Louis Bega are gagging for the gig. Pocket yourself another few million squid! Well done - hell you might even get to be reality TV judge yourself - in fact I hear that Ben Elton has written a musical about Another Level and they want you to be the nasty judge!

And there you have it - you very own guide to being a successful Pop Manager -I promise you it's easy - in fact I''ll even 'Swear it again' it's EASY!

Tales Of An Habitual Twitter Criminal

8pm - So right - it's happened again. I've been sent down for crimes against Twitter. My crime? Exceeding the hourly tweet rate - erm, am I wrong is Twitter not all about tweeting people? I thought that was what it was invented for? Still I must serve my hour's punishment I suppose.

Well it doesn't matter because I'm an old hand when it comes to Twitterjail now! This prison can't hold me long, but I'm not gonna break out this time. I'll show you around the joint. You can be Godber to my Fletch. Things should be good this time I've managed to secreet a stash of Twittersnout in a secret place and should get through as long as I don't get that screw with the very long fingers - I swear he touched my tonsils with them last time, and he didn't put them in my mouth!

8:05pm - I've had my strip search now and managed to sneak my Twittersnout in - that should be enough for me to have an easy time in here - just gotta get well in with the Grouty of Twitterjail @jakecanuso and I should be okay!

8:10pm - Oh shit - that old scrote 'Orrible Twitter Ives is here again. If you take my advice you will stay away from him. He's nothing but trouble the shifty bastard!

8:12pm - I've just heard that @missswearsalot has been taken into the women's wing! She is causing a right commotion. It seems that some Twitterlesbians tried it on with her and she was having no shit from them. She's a good person to have on your side in Twitterjail. Can get anything into the prison. God knows how she does it!

8:15pm - oh look who they have brought in - its @lukethornhill - what's the bets old Butterfingers will head straight for the Twittershowers. He just can't help himself

8:18pm - what do you think of the cell? It's all so familiar - they only let me bring 2 posters in this time, so I've opted for my @nicola__thomas one and my @elphabob one - they should improve the view in here, and I've got my book of @williamstafford funnies so that's a good read to pass the time.

8:25pm - Bit of commotion -I've heard a rumour that a few of the Twitterlags are thinking of holding the Failwhale hostage when he comes in to see the Twitterjail Governor @Stephenfry! That could cause trouble for the lot of us - don't get involved.

8:34pm - Finally managed to get my phone call - gonna use it to call @Lightbringer87 - he's a popular guy and can get the message out to the #freethegazabellone crew!

8:38pm - Just received a DM telling me that the #freethegazabellone crew have mobilised. @Lesterbuddy @ jasperbunny @_chris23 and @TMCphotographs have petitioned the governor to give me a reprieve it might work. Meanwhile @ MistiCBR has dug out some #freethegazabellone t-shirts to giveout.

8:42pm - There's that @lukethornhill on the way back from the showers with a smile on his face. He love's it!

8:48pm - Disaster, so close to my release time and @5_15 is trying to break into Twitterjail to free me. Hold on my Scottish friend I will be out soon! patience is the name of the game!

8:51pm - I received a cake from @Boddingtons - it's got a file in it. I'm not doing her admin for her while I'm here, she can do it herself!

8:58pm - They are getting ready to ship me out - apparently @AaaronOnYourFace is getting my cell next - he's another serial offender! Just in time too, because @paulinecjones is supposed to be coming in to talk to us about our prospects!

8:59pm - They are giving me my things back because I'm due to be released. It's nice to get the red stripeys back. I missed them.

9pm - Freeeeeeeedom! Ahhhh and look who is here to meet me - It's @xClairetweets_ - it must be our #hotelinspector date night.


Well tweeps now you have had a look at life on the inside of Twitterjail I hope it encourages you to never end up here! On the other hand if you are like me I'll see here again in an hour.

Just remember that when I disappear if you tweet #freethegazabellone I get released quicker (not true in the slightest but you never know!)

Until we meet again! xx

Punnilingus (Part4)

Even more puns:-

• I'm using wizard of oz bubble bath. There's no place like foam.

• You said I used to light up your life. Well I did always hold a torch for you.

• Electrical items make me really angry, but then again I always did have a short fuse

• That doctor was a bit cruel using sodium chloride to treat my injury. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound.

• They want me to come up with a sum using only the number 0 Nought will come of it.

• I went to a sexy party where people tried to grow plants in my arse. It was a bit seedy!

• I really really miss all those evergreen trees. I think I'm starting to pine.

• I heard some lovely music in the elevator today. It really lifted me up.

• I had a bowl of carpet cuttings for breakfast today. All part of my high fibre diet.

• Look at that fella who won all those cheese slices. The Krafty bastard!

• My boss told me he wanted to caress my buttocks with his lips! He can kiss my arse if he thinks I'm gonna let him do that!

• I was going to go play snooker, but there's a terrible cue.

• I promised to due all of the polishing every day. I'm sorry I took that pledge now.

• Some man in the park is throwing waterfowl at people! Quick DUCK!

• I think my boss thinks I'm fireproof? I'm sure i've just heard him say I'm retardant!

• I made a lot of money in glue sales, so I'm fairly solvent.

• Ike & Tina named their child after their favourite book. She's a real Paige Turner.

• I've just made some head lice from wool. Gonna call them Knits!

• My mum said she cant be bothered to fix the stitching on my trousers. The lazy sew & sew!

• I've just told a woman she's got a face like an open shop. That shutter up!

• I hate that man with a face like a teapot! Always spouting off!

• In work they made me carry so many belts that I started to buckle!

• I'm doing a telephone survey about collecting jewellery. If anybody is interested can they give me a ring.

• Our local gymnastics team have electrified the Horse, so I have to volt it now.

• Just seen a brilliant movie about sheet metal work. I was riveted!

• I've taken to snorting wasps for the high. Something about it really gives me a buzz.

• The Police want me to join their Duvet Division. I'm going undercover.

• What about this new lotion that is supposed to clean your hair & is made from human faeces! It didn't even work. It was a Sham Poo

• In the rubbish dump there was a huge pile of weighing machines that I felt I just had to climb. So I did and I scaled new heights.

• A girl in work left this week. She's a big Country & Western fan so we got her "The Best Of Dolly". It was a Parton gift.

• Somebody keeps ringing me & singing Prince Charming & Stand & Deliver down the phone. I keep telling him to fuck off.... but he's adamant. (Not one of my own but made me laugh!)

• I've decided that if I ever become a rapping politician I'm going to call myself "The Rhyme Minister"

• Help! I've fallen into a massive jar of vinegar and now I'm in a bit of a pickle!

• I've just accidentally drank some hair colouring! I could have dyed!

• My uncle has married an insect! I guess that makes her my Ant?

• What are those boats called that transport plasma? Blood vessels isn't it?

• Your eyes are absolutely beautiful! Sorry. Could I get any cornea?

• Do you know what makes me smile? A colon, hyphen and a close bracket symbol together.

• This enforced transvestism has really upset me. I'm in dis-dress!

• Oh streetlamps! You light up my life you know! <3

• I'm eager to enter the "Guess The Condiment" Competition. You could say I'm keen as mustard.

• Have you ever tried smoking a rodent? Man it made me really trippy. That was some bad skunk!

• My first film about frogs went down really well. I'm hoping it will spawn a sequel.

• I have invented a zip that you can pre-set to undo whenever you want them to. Gonna call them "Time flies"

• I've joint a cult that regards dripping & cooking fat above everything else. Praise The Lard!

• I've got a phobia of masonry. Every time I see some I start bricking it.

• I'd like to cut all the wool off a sheep with a huge pair of scissors! Just for the shear thrill of it.

• They've made some marvellous advances in boob jobs recently. I'm keeping abreast of the situation.

• I shouldn't have let them paint me indigo today. It's left me feeling blue.

• I stayed in that fungus hotel last night. It wasn't too bad, but there wasn't mushroom.

• They want me to go and harvest their crop of fibres! Now wait a cotton pickin' minute!

• Working in this Michelin factory doesn't half tyre me out.

• I need somebody to make these metal gloves I've designed. Any takers? I'm throwing down the gauntlet.

• I'm waiting for my communist VHS cassettes to be delivered, but there is a problem with export. Bloody red tape!

• I don't rate smoking pebbles! So much for getting stoned!

• Have you seen that man whose had his eyes replaced with potatoes? No? Keep 'em peeled then!

• They said I can have tomorrow off work because I cleaned all the toilets. Time off in loo I think they said.

• I've just been told that I won't get my next army promotion. That's a Major letdown.

• I did crap in the first hopping race, but I'm hoping to do better in the second leg.

• My Indian mate robbed all my clothes, so I robbed all of theirs. Who's Sari now?!

• So they have invented marijuana with ground up crustaceans in it. I believe it's known as Lobster Pot.

• I've read that they have translated the Bible into Cockney. Would you Adam & Eve it?

• I've just been complimented on the size of my one-eyed blinks I think. I'm sure I've just heard somebody say I'm a massive winker.

• I'm really annoyed with that fella who does the puzzles in the paper. I can see us having crosswords!

• Someone asked me if we can have the Union Jack on the wall in work. I'll have to flag it up at the next meeting.

• Lost some money on crab racing today, but managed to claw most of it back.

• The government are refusing to explain why they are shooting duvets into the sky. I think it's some kind of cover up.

• Gutted that I've had to sell my antique globe because I was desperate for cash. That thing was my world!

• That testicle juggling act did not go down well with the royal family. Somebody dropped a bollock there.

• I've been sweating cider recently. No wonder everyone says I've got Strongbow.

• I was going to replace all my own windows, but it sounded a bit of a pane to do.

• I'm a champion banana skinner. I always did think I would grow up to be a-peeling.

• The doctor is looking for volunteers for a "nasal epidermal cultivation" experiment. I might apply. It's no skin off my nose.

• Our love would be so special if it wasn't for your allergy to wax, because nobody can hold a candle to you.

• There's something going on in this light fittings shop, but they are keeping me in the shade.

• My dope-smoking mate said that all cows are obsidian really. That's the Pot calling the cattle black.

• What's that word for somebody who hates campanology? It doesn't ring any bells at the moment.

• I think I'd wear make up, but it would make me blush.

• There is something wrong with this machine gun. It's the repeater. It's the repeater. It's the repeater. It's the repeater.

Punnilungus (Part 3)

Yet more punnage for your enjoyment:-

• I wanted to know more about spiders so I looked them up on the web.

• I've just seen somebody cripple a dromedary with a little plastic tube. I'm sorry but that's the straw that broke the camels back!

• NIPPLES! Sorry that was just something I had to get off my chest.

• I have a talent for naming things you can wear around your wrists. Quite often I can do it off the cuff.

• I've made the biggest Ice Cream in the World. It's going to be really hard to beat. It's gonna take some lickin'

• I'm going to win Security Product of the Year. It's a lock.

• If your an alibi for a Jehovah's Witness does that make you a Jehovah's Witness Witness?

• I love the mathematical symbol "less than 3"

• I've invented the one rung ladder. That will be my first step to greatness.

• I've just made some priests vestments out of a dishrag. I truly am a man of the cloth.

• They say Doctor Who has a very firm bladder. That's why he's been known to pert wee

• I've been throwing my watch up in the air for hours. My doesn't time fly.

• Just seen that Matt Smith. Who does he think he is? His predecessor was my landlord. Yes I was David's tenant.

• I really enjoy getting dressed up as a nun, but It's a really bad habit.

• I'm going to tell you a really long joke about a Grizzly now, but bear with me.

• I'm been put forward for an Engraver of the Year Award. I think I've got a good chance. It's not written in stone though.

• I've been sacked from my job in the photograph developers, but I'm not going to get all negative about it.

• Came home drunk late last night & fell asleep in the kennel. Looks like that's me in dog house again!

• I think I'm allergic to this job making caskets. I just can't stop coffin.

• If women have bras, shouldn't men have some kind of underwear top to wear. I have a vested interest in this subject.

• What about this kitten they have parachuted into Trafalgar Square. That will certainly put the cat amongst the pigeons.

• My Ford Fiesta is flooded! Looks like I'll have to car pool this week.

• I wanted to build something I could keep all my books on, but I've had to shelve the idea for now.

• That joke I just told the cloakroom attendant didn't go down to well. I'll get my coat...

• I'm super speedy when it comes to taking pictures. Quick as a flash you might say.

• If I caught any friends of mine on Heroin I'd give them a smack!

• I'm playing hide & seek and hiding in a bin. The only thing is I'm so excited I can barely contain myself.

• What is the Hulk's favourite potato substitute? SMASH

• The bottom of all the walls in this house have got cracks in them. I could cover them up, but that would be just skirting around the issue.

• The local Santa impersonator is absolutely rubbish. If I was his boss I'd be giving him the sack.

• Wind energy turbines - part of me wishes I was one but I'd be rubbish. Another part of me hates them. I suppose I'm not the biggest fan.

• They decorated the office, but have to wait a few days to finish it & asked me to keep an eye on it. It's so boring. Like watching paint dry

• I can't stand those people who treat me like a block of cheese. It really grates on me.

Punnilingus (Part 2)

Couldn't fit all of this week's puns on one page, so here is part 2. Hope you enjoy them :-)


• No-one seems ever seems to have any idea about want to do with these dogs, so once again I have to take the lead.

• Got a great new hobby cataloguing tree debris. You would love it. Why don't you take a leaf out of my book?

• "What would you do if a bird shat on your car?" "Dump her!" [A Chubby Brown one I think]

• Look at that man with with a head like an angry cloud. Oooo he's got a face like thunder!

• Just read that they are going to try revive coma patients with cappuccino. Come off it! Wake up & smell the coffee!

• iPhone has invented something for when you are really tired. There's a nap for that.

• I'm not talking to that women with a windscreen for a face. That'll wiper eye.

• Got my nocturnal shift laying ceramics coming up later. Looks like another night on the tiles for me.

• Steve Davis is looking for an amateur to play snooker against. I've applied & I think I'm in the frame!

• I keep getting a hard-on every time I sneeze. Don't worry I'm taking something for it. Pepper. [This is somebody else’s, but I can’t remember who]

• The noise out of that Tennis supplies factory! They're not half making a racquet!

• Did you know that you can now buy body parts of dead Hollywood celebrities? I've got Bette Davis eyes.

• I don't like this Art exhibition about facial hair. It's all a bit eyebrow for me.

• That woman off GMTV has been sticking her finger in my eye all morning. She's left now and I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone.

• I'm aching all over after plowing that field for the wheat crop. Still it's true what they say. No pain - no grain.

• All those doubters. They said I'd never get that picture to stay up, but I nailed it!

• This wonky door looks like it could fall over any minute. It all hinges on what happens next.

• BUY THE NEW 18-SOCKET EXTENSION LEAD ONLY £19.99 BUY OUR NEW 15-TROUGH SINKS ONLY £89.99 Sorry about all of the plugs

• If they think they can break into this time piece shop while I'm on guard they've got another thing coming. Not on my watch.

• I'd love to be in a really gritty vampire film or play. You know something you can really get your teeth into.

• I shouldn't have brought up those missing shoes. I feel like I've put my foot in it now.

• I've never been a fan of denim & my dad & grandad are both the same. Must be something in the jeans.

• What about these people who put bin liners over there heads for thrills? I'm sorry but that's just not my bag.

• I'm having sone A-Team crisps now. Either Salt & Vinegar or Cheese & Onion. One thing is for certain I ain't getting on no Plain

• Was going to make one of those A-Team soups, but they look a bit watery. I feel a bit sorry for them. In fact you could say I pity the gruel

• I've just made one of those A-Team quiches from scratch. I love it when a flan comes together.

• I urgently need to find a picture of Peter Pan's enemy & a burglar. By Hook or by crook I'll get them.

Part 1 is HERE in case you missed it