Behind The Bars: The Gazabelljailed Story

Hello All

It's been a week since his last one but the talents of @mrtomsimpson are never ending it seems. He has only done another edition of Toms News, this one is about my alter ego - the erstwhile @gazabelljailed - read on as you hear the truth about what lies beneath the bars

@gazabell

TOMS NEWS October 2011

@Gazabelljailed - THE TRUTH

During moments of high frequency tweeting all of gazabells loyal, beautiful, sexy followers will be aware that he disappears from out timelines, to be replaced by gazabelljailed. Some people think this is just gaz himself, tweeting from a different account as he’s been thrown into twitter jail. Dearest readers I have uncovered the truth and it’s a lot more darker than a photo shopped black and white profile picture covered in bars…

The fact is gazabelljailed is gazabells evil twin, sentenced to life imprisonment many years ago for drunkenness, bad innuendo, cursing of the worst kind against celebrities, incorrect spelling, excess masturbation and smutty sleaziness towards his impressionable followers. When gazabelljailed appears on twitter, he has broken free from prison, knocked out our own dear gaz and set about ruining his untainted, angelic reputation. For example Gaz would never make references to male genitals, fellatio or mindless drinking.

Dressed in my smartest suit I made a visit to the high security institution gazabelljailed is currently incarcerated in. Following several, rigorous thorough searches and security checks I was allowed in. I walked along the eerie corridor, lined floor to ceiling with metal bars to the clear glass cell at the end. My first glimpse of gazabelljailed was just what I expected: prison pallor, dressed in regulation dungarees from Grundy Televisions 1980s smash hit Prisoner, hands cuffed behind his back with a look of seething frustration and anger on his face. I could only compare the look he gave me as that what Hannibal Lecter gives to Clarice Starling in the 1991 film Silence of the Lambs. Yet although the grim appearance he welcomed me with a cheerful “good morning, you’s alright” and the offer of a diet Pepsi. His cell was lined with row upon row of well used tablets of soap, boxes of Kleenex for men and a variety of unlabeled DVD’s, it was remarkably tidy although I did notice his waste bin was full to the brim with empty bags of Doritos, water bottles, timeout wrappers and used stiff tissues.

I questioned him extensively, probing deeply as to why he makes these unwanted visits onto our timelines (generally 8-10pm but occasionally morning too) and his response was he thinks his twin chatters far too much to far too many nice people and he wants in on the action. He is sick of feeling left out of the cool gang and playing second fiddle to everyone’s favourite. I also managed to ascertain how he escapes the guards and confines of prison, but this being a family newspaper it would be unacceptable to print.

I gained the following information though, once he has escaped he tracks down gazabell, knocks him out with chloroform and then opens his @gazabelljailed account. He then makes attempts at pretending to be his brother, locked out by twitter wanting help and assistance from the hell hole that is twitter jail. He then gets inundated with kindness and sympathy and offers of help from all the sexy followers and he laps then up like a cat with a saucer of jersey cream.

Gazabelljailed was leering at me throughout the interview and made lots of smutty remarks. I was warned beforehand of course, but it all got a little too much for me so I left him in the company of the guards and headed back to the main entrance. The guards on duty explained to me about these escapes gazabelljailed makes, they couldn’t tell me how he does it but did say he is always caught within 2 hours, they return him to his cell and attend to the real gazabell, bring him back to consciousness and establish him back on twitter, he is generally unaware anything has happened, he just thinks he dozed off. The guards were anxious to let all followers know not to fall for the pleas for cakes with nail files, dynamite, help with tunnel building etc. It’s all just an act to make you believe you are talking to the real gazabell, its best to just chat to him as normal until the help arrives and he goes silent again. As I left the institution I could hear the faint sounds of someone singing “on the inside”, water running and bars of soap being dropped.

So readers you now know the truth about gazabelljailed, he cannot be trusted, who wants a dangerous predator on the loose in one of the UK’s major cities. What we want is him safely contained and his account removed so we can all enjoy multitalented gazabell witty, slightly dirty, flirty tweets in peace.

“what do we want?”

“GAZABELL”

When do we want it?”

“ALL THE TIME WITHOUT INTERRUPTION FROM GAZABELLJAILED!”

So twitter get your act together, give Gaz 24 hour protection from his evil twin and allow us all to have conversations with him without the worry of evil gazabell jailed getting jealous and escaping.

© T Simpson Productions MMXI All character and events in this story are entirely fictitious, any similarity to real events and people is entirely planned.

Gazabell's Got Talent

Now before you think I have gone all big headed I need to tell you that it is not me who has written this blog. It was done by one of my followers to make me laugh, and laugh I did. A lot! Since I checked with him and he is happy for me to post it on here you will all get the chance to read the funny Press Release he has written about me. I think writing this for me deserves a BIG SHOUTOUT so if any of you aren't following @mrtomsimpson then I suggest you start right away!

Without further ado - let me present his work!

TOMS NEWS 28^th September 2011

BGT AXED IN SHOCK MOVE!

High waisted, botox faced Simon Cowell, 64, has announced the cancellation of Britain’s Got Talent next year, due to the fact that one man on Merseyside is so multitalented no one else can compare. Nobody can be that good I hear you cry, well …………………….

Fresh faced, cheeky, charming, Gary Bell, 27, of Liverpool (pictured right) is so full of talent that it is a wonder to most people how he hasn’t spontaneously combusted in his young life.

His talents include: gold medal standard alcohol consumption (much like the handsome Tom Simpson or glamorous 1980s starlet Wincey Willis). The ability to turn an everyday general conversation into filth, a prime example of this would be his response to this innocent statement, “I’m rummaging through my drawers, I hope I succeed, as the last time the knob came away in my hand” his reply of “lucky ceed, he’d come off in my hand anytime” goes to show his outstanding ability to see the smut, in a good clean sentence. His grasp of the English language is amazing, he loves using alliteration, metaphors, similes and onomatopoeia. Evidence of this can be heard during his infrequent twadio shows broadcast to the nation, his Liverpool tones are strong but he has the talent to use them eloquently and concisely. Friends have commented on his sensational cake baking skills, so marvellous in fact that the said friend had to savour each mouthful and it took several hours to consume one slice, he equally has excellent meat eating skills (he‘ll never give up hot pork sausages). Mr Bell even has the know how to develop his own self proclaimed method to spank a bare arse, which amazingly causes the recipient no pain whatsoever, just satisfaction for both parties involved. His woodwork skills are second to none, as you probably expected, what he can’t do with a length of solid hard wood is no bodies business.

You will undoubtedly have heard of Elton John, Cee Lo Green and Rod Stewart, but once Mr Bells singing is unleashed on the public they will all pale into insignificance due to Gary’s incredible vocal range and breathing techniques. He also boasts expert dance skills, so good that the Channel Four seven dwarves copy his dance moves step by step on their weekly docusoap.

Another talent Mr Bell uses on a regular basis is his strong mind and body, he doesn’t need ‘wimp’ breakfasts, just mid morning cheese based snacks and water to power through his high powered job using the latest technology to seek out careers for clients. He has won awards due to his strong work ethic and his commitment to his punters. He has so many more talents, but this article unfortunately has a word limit and I have stroked his ego sufficiently, however Mr Bell is so modest about himself that he leads a relatively quiet life, he avoids publicity at all costs and would never shamelessly advertise or shout about the wonderful gifts he possesses.

So attention all singers, dancers, impressionists, broadcasters, organ fiddlers, cake bakers, heavy drinkers, expert spellers and blue comedians, you are now redundant in Great Britain but try one of the international version talent shows, they’re always on the look out. Britain only needs the one and only G Bell.

The newspaper has also learned that the oxford English dictionary is set to remove the word talent from all publications from this point on. The word talent will be replaced with gazabell, here are some examples:

“oh my, you are so gazabelled” (talented)

“That is a good gazabell to have” (talent)

“You are multi gazabelled” (multitalented)

Unfortunately for the vast majority of the british public Mr Bell does not make many public appearances.

He can be found though, at the highly exclusive ‘royal’ twartys (strictly invite only) occasionally at tweet ups (by appointment only) but every evening, give or take real life events, he can be found on twitter, come join the fun, just remember that he is so multigazabelled that it may make you feel unworthy of his company. I though, can guarantee you that he is a jolly nice man, who’s large amount of gazabell doesn’t make him bigheaded in the least.

© Tom Simpson productions MMXI LOL all rights reserved