A Christmas Cracker

Well it's that time of year again. Time to jingle your bells, polish your baubles, feed your reindeer, give your fairy a good wipe down & dispense off-colour smutty comments with look seemingly innocent, but when in the hands of a master smut dispenser give the Yule period an extra sparkle. It's Christmas Eve, and poor Santa, who only comes once a year (so different to me!) is getting ready to shoot down your chimney, empty his sack and fill you to the brim with festive deposits, so whack on some Christmas tunes, baste your turkey & wop it in a hot oven!

I am currently at that stage now where I am still considering & still putting off wrapping my presents but I know I will knuckle down in a minute and get on with it all, but before I do I just want to share something with you that I got off the amazingly funny @williamstafford off Twitter at the first Christmas Party I went to this year (in November).

Who are the perfect dinner guests to invite to your Christmas Party?

Emma Dreaming

Arthur White

Chris Muss

Jess Likedee

Juan Zi

Hugh Sterno

Wendy Treetops-Glisten

Ann Chilled-Wren

Liz Anne

"Two Ears" Laybelle

Cindy Snow

Emma Dreaming

Arthur White

Chris Mussunt

Avery Chris

Miss Carr

Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby

Mary-Ann Bright

Ann May Hall-York-Rhys

Mrs B White

This is just a little blog to wish all of my Twitter Followers, Facebook Friends, Google+ers (who I don't know most of) a very, smutty, sexy, horny, loving, cuddly, happy, wonderful, marvellous

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

If I could get to each and everyone of you with my mistletoe (which I usually hang from my belt!) for a nice kiss I most definitely would. Have a great festive period & if you see me about say hi :)

@Gazabell xxx

PS - oh yes I did reach 100,000 tweets well before 2012 - my heartfelt thanks can be found HERE

Frankie do we remember you?

So it's official then! STD ridden, neglected Ewok look-a-like Frankie Cocknocker has been kicked out of the X-Factor for breaking one of the "Golden Rules". Is it terribly rude that I am glad he got kicked out. Not just the fact that he can't sing. It does my head in that he is bigged up as a party animal. If he is a party animal I must be like Oliver Reed!

Anyway you are probably more intrigued by the words "Golden Rules" and I can reveal the answers to you. As you may remember I work for Simon Cowell and can give you the inside story from SyCo about these mystery "Golden Rules". There are 10 of these said rules which vary each year and they are to be strictly adhered to at all times or the Wrath Of Cowell ("Cooooooowwwwwwwellllllll") will descend up you. These very strict rules or "Cowell Commandments" this year are, in no particular order:-

1. Thou Shalt Not Leave Your fetid cock discharge on Tulisa's pillow
2. Thou Shalt Not put Dermot's suits on a shrink wash
3. Thou Shalt Not out Louis Walsh
4. Thou Shalt Not swap Craig Colton's slimfast for protein shake
5. Thou Shalt Not hide one of Kitty Brucknell's eyebrows
6. Thou Shalt Not call Kelly Rowland "an annoying fucking c*nt" y'all
7. Thou Shalt Not wear your wig back to front
8. Thou Shalt Not claim that Steve Brookstein was the greatest ever XFactor winner
9. Thou Shalt Not call everyone RACHEL ADEDEJI in the style of Peter Dickinson
10. Thou Shalt Not get "Dawn Barlow" tattooed on your arse

If you can manage to stick to all of these commandments then you have every chance of reaching the final. At least now we don't have to worry about all these teenage slags who want to get poked by Frankie's green, blistered, dick voting for him. To those that did vote for him because you thought he was fit I say to you that this is what you could expect to see in the future