Boots & Cats! Boots & Cats!

Sound the fanfare! Set off the fireworks! Toot your horn (easy now!) and let out a huge HURRAH! For it is that time again! We have reached another Britain's Got Dance Acts & Lots Of Singers but No Real Variety Final. It doesn't seem that long ago until Scottish Sex Siren, Susan Boyle, put Britain firmly on the map to show that not only do we have the sexiest women on the planet, but we also know how to shake our hips at middle aged men and can knock a tune out if we want to. Since then we have had a succession of successful singers and dance groups that have won the competition. I can't name them all off the top of my head mind you but I am sure they are very successful even so. 

Tonight (well unless you are reading this much later!) we will see 6 singing acts (no its not XFactor even though it might seem like it!) take on 3 dance acts & 1 synchronised swimming act proving without a doubt that variety is not dead (unless you are a comedian, magician, bell ringer, impressionist, trampolinist, big spinny hoop person, martial arts act, pianist, contortionist, ventriloquist, puppeteer, laser harpist, or pan wearing Dalek Impersonator). 


As I type this the Judges are getting their 2nd coat of Cuprinol and their teeth Tip-Exed in preparation for tonight. While they are doing that I will once again use my position at Syco as Simon Cowell's hairstylist to give you some backstage gossip, just like I did about Jean Martyn & Frankie Cocknocker when they were involved with the company. So without further ado let us see what we have in store for tonight:-

Ashleigh & Pudsey

We British love our pets and so it is no surprise that we have a dancing dog in the final this year. She has also brought a canine with her and is a hot favourite to win, as people go wild over seeing a little dogging walking around on 2 legs groping the hips of a woman, while Simon Cowell will be smiling like a gurning fool because he is really really into bestiality. They will be dancing tonight to 90s classic Doop by the band Doop.

Aquabatique

A Saturday night full of wet women eh? A Typical Saturday night for any woman who spends time in my company ;) But these women aren't just ordinary women - no they are women who can keep their mouths shut for more than two minutes! A rarity nowadays eh lads? lol. These women have taken their inspiration for life from the movie Splash staring Daryl Hannah and have set plans in motion to grab a man and make him live under water with them forever. Yes even the woman with the odd shaped boobs. I doubt they will win today but they will there to give the men something to look at to balance up for the women perving off Jonathan. They will be swimming to the song Under The Sea

Jonathan & Charlotte

Porcelain faced sex god Jonathan breezed his way into the finals bringing his chubby singing partner along with him for the ride. Little is known about him apart from her spends 12 hours a day masturbating over Charlotte's Facebook page and spends at least 3 hours a day singing very loudly in an Operatic Voice at full pelt in a tramps face. Rumour has it that this is his second crack at stardom so he will have an experience factor that others won't.....

 Rumour has it that they will sing an operatic version of 1993 No1 Hit Mr Blobby

Kai and Natalia

I can think of literally nothing vaguely amusing to write about this duo, which sort of suggests that I find them a bit boring, even though they are good at what they do. I think they have Strictly No Chance of winning. They are dancing to the theme tune from Blockbusters

Loveable Rogues

They might be Loveable Rogue who are highlighting just how sexy a musical instrument the Ukulele is but using my mums very stringent rule that anyone who wears shoes & trousers without socks is a pervert I'm afraid I won't be supporting them. I may have a go at writing my own song about real life things. If it's about things I am into then it may well be calling the Drinky Wanking Song! :)  Loveable Rogues will be singing another self-penned song about real life called Simon Offered Us A Record Deal If We Suck Him Off

Molly Rainford

Now I know it is not considered good form to berate children, but fuck it I am going to. I really don't like the child acts on BGT. They are always very mediocre but because the producers are scared that they will break down and cry like that Adelweiss kid a few years ago they get comments comparing them to Mariah Carey and told they are excellent. If anyone was watching the semi-final that this child was in they would have heard the same slow, boring, slightly off-key dirge I heard? If Molly wins I might have to go on a King Herod style spree to ensure that in a decades time we are not still listening to pointless child acts. She will be singing a very slow version of When I'm Cleaning Windows by George Formby

Nu-Sxool

Paedophiles dream act, Nu-Sxool, have probably been the most subtle in getting their sob story across. Not for them are tales of bullying, discrimination or growing up on the wrong side of the ghetto. They have made their barrier obvious in their spelling. It is obviously a school for Dyslexic people who's only outlet is Dance! It's like a modern day Fame in the making. Saying that although they will be good I don't think I will be as big a fan of their act as Gary Glitter will be. They will be dancing to the original Grange Hill theme during which David Walliams will run on with a sausage on a fork.

Only Boys Aloud

Discrimination still lives on as this womanphobic choir who only allow boys into their singing world reach the finals. Unlike "New School" these did try to use a sob story to get to the final by saying they were bullied. They are Welsh though so what do they expect???? I'm surprised that any bully would want to attack them with their slightly creepy looking Choirmaster protecting them from behind the bushes. I wonder if they will wear their ever so trendy White Shirts & Blue Jeans Summer Bay High uniform tonight? They are singing the Home & Away theme tune.

Ryan O'Shaughnessy

The man with the surname that Dec seems to have a lot of trouble pronouncing (WTF is O'shopmessy?) managed to wangle his way into the final after escaping from the clutches of The Voice Ireland (God knows who the judging panel is on that show? Dana, Daniel O'Donnell, one of the Nolans and probably Kian from Westlife I reckon) and writing two of his own songs (they wont be as good as the Drinky Wanking Song though!). Poor Ryan, despite having Teeth that make Cowell stiffer than a 5 week dead corpse, and being a very talented song writer, has still not been able to get the girl of her dreams to open her legs...I mean heart... to him. He is not too concerned about winning tonight, but rather capturing the love of his life. Maybe when he sings his new ballad "I've Never Seen A Big Bushy Fanny Before" she will finally cave in and hook up with him.

 Sam Kelly

Named after the esteemed actor of Porridge, On The Up and Barbara fame, Sam took to music so he could earn enough money to get his other arm tattooed. He wants a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine on there and a picture of Alicia Dixon noshing off Simon Cowell. He hopes to win tonight with his cover version of Snooker Loopy by Chas & Dave.

The Wild Card!

Don't forget we also have a Wild Card act in the final! Will it be Pissed & Twulse Junior? Will it be The Fix....erm I mean The Mend. Will it be Billy George and his giant hoop (I thought I had misheard it at first and it was Boy George who I believe also has a big hoop)? 

I personally hope that it is none other than the sexiest winky organ manipulator on the planet....

We can but live in hope! 

Failing that maybe this chap could go on and sing The Shoop Shoop Song in the style of a Dalek? 

There you go with your guide to the Britain's Got Talent Final 2012. Hope it gave you at least a bit of a chuckle and if not tough shit I'm no David Walliams.

Catch you on Twitter

@Gazabell

PS: I don't hate children, the Welsh, the Irish, singers, dance acts, Simon Cowell's teeth, women, men, Orangutans or hoops. I do hate Jedward though.

Taking Matters In Hand...

History is replete with the good fighting the evil. The Allies fought The Nazis, Scooby-Doo fought creepy old fairground based perverts & thieves, and Azerbaijan pop group Eldar & Nigar defeated the anaemic spawn of the devil himself Twit & Twat (aka Jedward). But sometimes the good aren't available and it is left to The Cheeky to step up to the plate to do their best. This week The Cheeky did just that.

You see some old American dude decided that it was the end of days - The Rapture - where the good float up to the sky and the rest are left below until the end of the world. I don't know about you lot but I think it's a bit soon for The Rapture - I mean we've only had one series of Mrs Brown's Boys, we don't know if Scotland will ever get past the first round of a World Cup, and we are still waiting for another summer like the one we had when we were kids - there is so much still left to do!

Therefore I decided to take it upon myself to stop The Rapture - hey if one old man could start it then surely a young(ish) man like me could stop it. The main problem was that he lived on a different continent to me, and I only know his name, not his address or anything, and what could I do? I could hardly go around punching old people - If I could do that Tesco would be deserted at lunch times!

I had to think of another plan of action. Something that I knew I was good at, that other people could get involved in, that I could do better than any old man......it hit me in a flash...something I am brilliant at and have had lots of practice in....the answer my friends was WANKING! Good old fashioned masturbation could save the day! And I was an expert at that lovely act of self-gratification - even other people recognise that as I often hear them saying "oh no here's that wanker again" when I walk towards them.

I weighed up the odds of it - it was a risk I know - if enough people got involved a mass orgasm could actually cause the earthquakes that old Harry do-dah was predicting, meaning that one of my main pleasures in life would be the instrument of our doom! It was a chance worth taking, I mean at least if I failed I would be going out with a smile on my face. And if I did it long enough I would end up welded to the bedsheets so although I couldn't rise to Heaven I also couldn't fall to hell. I'd be permanently stuck to my bed for all eternity - something I actually crave on a Monday morning!

I decided that it was our best bet of success and so I turned to my lovely, sexy, brilliant Twitter followers and told them the plan to #BeatTheRaptureByWanking - Beating by Beating if you like! Do you know what? They jumped at the chance to join in! Another person would say that they just needed any excuse for a wank but not me. I knew they were brave soldiers ready to fight the forces of Rapture with every beat of their.....heart!

And so we started! I got my usual supply of "inSPURTational" material - my @WinceyWillis1 calender 1985, my picture of @MuppetFitz on a bed of roses, and the sex tape of Wagner and Mary Byrne - and teeth gritted I got to work. Hour after hour went by as I cavorted with Madame Palm and her 5 lovely daughters, literally willing away The Rapture with every gird of my loins (I just wanted to use that phrase! lol). The morning passed into afternoon while I slowly started to look like a trapped Chilean miner, eyes almost clenched shut. My face a bright red beachball of heavy breathing and the occasional groan. I could feel the power of the Wank driving that rapture away as more and more Tweeps got involved.

That simple gift of Onanism actually stopped The Rapture. I realised later on, with my Popeye sized arm in a bowl of ice, that the phrase "Wanking is good" had never been more apt - in this case a little bit of hand relief had kept the world spinning for at least another year. If I could have I would have patted myself on the back. Instead I decided to celebrate by letting "old lefty" have a turn for a change - a celebratory wank for a job well done.

And if The Rapture threatens again you will find me, and probably other Tweeps, are willing to once again #BeatTheRaptureByWanking.

I wonder if it's The Rapture again tonight.....