You May Now Enter The Diary Room...

Hello there Peeps! *lifts glasses* it is I…Gazabell…here to impart some news to you. You know me I am never happier than when I am taking the piss out of things, and as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs I find that Reality TV is perfect for sating my piss-taking needs. As luck would have it we are in prime Reality TV piss-taking season. Hot off the heels of Hungary’s Got Talent, and The Voice, we have now entered the real of Big Brother where the real wannabe’s live and breathe in order to gain their 5 minutes of fame, before they fade into obscurity again (How’s life treating you Narinder, Ziggy and Eugene?).

Now I know that not everyone gets into Big Brother, so once again I have taken it upon myself to introduce you to this years cast of “wacky, zany” characters, and what a treat we have to you. Channel 5 has certainly pulled out the stops this year. Not only have they given Brian Dowling a sex change into a beautiful woman, and elocution lessons so we don’t have to hear about the tribe of Annie’s in his life (Annie Thing, Annie Way, Annie Tips etc), but they have also trawled their nets deep into the Sea of Wannabe (just nearly the Island of YDFuckisthiscockonmyscreen) and dredged out some almighty c*nts for us to slag off over the coming three months (if we last that long!). This has obviously blown the budget because the house looks like Willy Wonka’s Mental Breakdown this year!

Anyway without further ado let us meet your targets this year…

  

Callum

The man who must have had a heavy paper round, Callum claims to be 28 years old. We have yet to ascertain if this is in Dog Years but it could possibly be. If not then he is probably using the patented Geri Halliwell Date Calculator, available in all good pound shops now.

Charlie

Named after her drug of choice, Charlie is a bad girl gone good. I don’t know whether this means she spent time in Larkhall cadging snout of the Two Julies or getting called a dirty slaaaaaag by Shell Dockley, but it probably doesn’t. She has brought her mum in with her in case any of the big kids nick her dinner money.

Daley

There are conflicting stories about the name of this Professional Boxer. The first is that he was named after Athletics Legend Daley Thompson, who he wants to emulate by starring in a Daz advert with Barry from EastEnders. The second theory is that his parents just weren’t that good at spelling but were big fans of the Daily Mail.

 

Daniel

Ex-copper Daniel likes nothing better than getting his truncheon out and fingering suspects for all of their crimes. He also enjoys it when people say to him “Evening Orifice, what have we here”. He is the only Gay man in the house (unless you count the other 5).

Dexter

Asian Alan Partridge look-alike has already claimed the title of biggest Tw*t in the house by boasting about his wealth and power. He claims to have made his money by being a male prostitute but I think that is a big far fetched. Who’d pay him for sex?? He also said he doesn’t need the money or the fame so why bother going in there. This smug little fucker already thinks he is a bit of a celebrity, and claims to be a celebrity publicist. Shame he is the type of celebrity publicist that makes you yearn for Max Clifford!

 

Gina

Named after the erstwhile singer of the lyrical masterpiece “Oooo Ahhhh, Just a Little Bit”, Gina hobbies include being a big titted spoilt bitch, and having no concept about how deplorable it is to waste so much money on yourself. She is probably expecting the other contestants to wipe her arse for her for the duration of her stay.

Hazel

Irish Model Hazel is erm……well……erm…. Well ok I don’t know what she is because I was just looking at her boobies when she came in. That’s why I have put this pic up of her too because lets face it that’s all anyone saw right?

Jack & Joe

Jack & Joe went up the hill to fetch a pail of water….. who am I kidding they got out of breath a quarter of the way up and decided to go to KFC instead. One of these brothers is straight & one is gay apparently. Personally I wouldn’t be surprised if they fiddled with each other.

Jackie

If someone left Charlie on a low light for 5hrs this is what you would get. Jackie is either the mother of Charlie or is Charlie herself travelled back in time to meet herself. A bit like a crap version of Doctor Who.

Jemima

Horsefaced pensioner Jemima claims to be a gold-digger. I can see why because she certainly has the features of an 1890’s prospector. She also claims to be a look-a-like of Sarah Jessica Parker but we all are. Look at your foot and imagine it with a blonde wig and some lipstick on it. There you have is SJP. Jemima looks to be a randy cougar and will be trying to get some hot c*ck action in there.

 

Michael

Fresh out of the Dev Alahan School of Acting, Michael is the People’s Puppet, which is apt because the other housemates may string him up when they find out. I doubt it though because his tasks so far have been boring and transparent, and the big reveal will be about as exciting as an evening with Roy Cropper.

Sallie

Demure ladylike Sallie is not one of these cheap looking women who have their saggy arse and saggy tits hanging out while swearing like a trooper and drinking Lambrini like its going out of fashion…..oh wait that’s exactly what she is, with the added disadvantage of dressing like a reject from All Saints (the 90s girl band not the shop).

Sam

Harry Styles look-alike…..wait that can’t be right? Is it supposed to be Harry Enfield look-alike? Well whatever it is. Owner of the shittest chat up line in the world (“You make my winkie expand”) Sam could be the Glyn Wise of this years Big Brother. It will be hard to tell though because I can’t understand a word he says. Not sure if that is because of his deafness or the fact he is Welsh!

Sophie

“Sum peeepaw fink I’m fick but I ain’t” words of wisdom indeed from the very pretty Sophie. Despite her “so Cockney it ‘urts” accent Sophie is probably one of the most normal people in there.

Wolfie

“Power To The People” cries Piratey-dressed Lesbian Wolfie. Daughter of balding soft-permed Gladiator Wolf, we can expect to see her come of her shell as the weeks progress. She may look like something that escaped from the reject bin at a Care Bear factory but this could be your contestant to watch.

There you go that is all we have in there for now. They normally chuck in a few others at a later stage so you may get an update. Then again I might just get bored stiff of it all after a couple of days and decide to stop watching. That’s the joy of life though isn’t it? We never know what’s around the next corner.

Anyway enough ramblings from me I reckon! I will leave you all to it for now.

Just remember Big Brother is watching, even if you aren’t!

Back To Life....Back To Reality (TV)

Hello you scrumptious little readers of blogs! It seems I have been neglecting you a big in the whole blogging stakes. Been a while since I last did one, but I know you are all connoisseurs of quality rather than quantity so I assume you don’t mind too much.

So why have I not blogged for a while? Why has my Tweeting levels dipped considerably? I have not been living with the indigenous Pygmy People of Mbuti, I have not been saving Whales, I’ve not be trapped in Louis Walsh’s Sexatorium. I’ve just had an epic year of stuff happening.

Firstly work has gotten a lot busier. I am a Civil Servant….or occasionally an Uncivil Servant if I am in a mood or lacking sleep… which to some might sound like a boring job. I quite like mine though. I have always been lucky in my role in that I have rarely been tied to a desk seeing a production line of people or processing paperwork. I have always been slipped into a nice niche (ooo-er missus) and have always enjoyed my job. Within the past 6 months my role has changed a fair bit and I am involved in a lot more than I used to be. I sometimes stay late to make sure I am well organised. This is unheard of for me, but I find that I don’t mind doing it. Of course this leaves me with much less time to tweet. Gone are the days when I did lots of outreach work and could basically tweet loads between appointments.

The second thing that has kept me away from Twitter has been my house which is “Lovingly” referred to as The House of Doom. I intend to do a full blog about this once I am back in the house, but basically I had a burst pipe in the attic which saturated pretty much the whole of my house. Since then I have had to move out, spent a week living like Alan Partridge in a Travel Tavern (well Premier Inn), followed by 2 weeks in my Mum & Dad’s Box Room hemmed in like a prisoner – those nights as @Gazabelljailed paid off there- and now I am in a temporary house for up to 6 months. My house is slowly but surely coming back together and in all honesty will probably look much better than it did before, but it has been a big upheaval and again has kept me away from blogging & tweeting as much as I used to.

As well as that throw in the usual of situations with family, friends, relationships, and just generally not being in the mood and that’s why you get a lack of hot, steamy @Gazabell action!

Don’t worry though we are heading into my prime tweeting part of the year. It is that time when Reality TV comes back to our screens with a vengeance, and that is what I like doing most of all. Taking the piss out of reality TV. We’ve just had #BGT which was ripe for the pisstake, but an even better event is on the horizon. Tonight sees the return of Big Brother to Channel 5. This is where you usually find the most deluded, arrogant, thick, people ripe to be made fun of. I’ve got to admit that I have not watched the last couple of series of normal Big Bro. I have with the celebrities but I think this year I will come back to the non-celebrities. I am basically going to spend today sharpening my claws, and doing Yoga in an attempt to free my mind from all distractions, and sit like a Guru of Bitchiness in preparation to unleash my tongue on the unsuspecting housemates (not in the good licky kind of way either!). Apologies if you aren’t a fan of Big Brother, but if you are following me then you should know by now that I do like a bit of pisstake telly and I will be polluting your timelines over the coming weeks I’m afraid!

Think that will do for a blog for now. I will try to make more of an effort to write them a bit more regularly now. So watch out for shameless plugs on my Twitter Feed!

Boots & Cats! Boots & Cats!

Sound the fanfare! Set off the fireworks! Toot your horn (easy now!) and let out a huge HURRAH! For it is that time again! We have reached another Britain's Got Dance Acts & Lots Of Singers but No Real Variety Final. It doesn't seem that long ago until Scottish Sex Siren, Susan Boyle, put Britain firmly on the map to show that not only do we have the sexiest women on the planet, but we also know how to shake our hips at middle aged men and can knock a tune out if we want to. Since then we have had a succession of successful singers and dance groups that have won the competition. I can't name them all off the top of my head mind you but I am sure they are very successful even so. 

Tonight (well unless you are reading this much later!) we will see 6 singing acts (no its not XFactor even though it might seem like it!) take on 3 dance acts & 1 synchronised swimming act proving without a doubt that variety is not dead (unless you are a comedian, magician, bell ringer, impressionist, trampolinist, big spinny hoop person, martial arts act, pianist, contortionist, ventriloquist, puppeteer, laser harpist, or pan wearing Dalek Impersonator). 


As I type this the Judges are getting their 2nd coat of Cuprinol and their teeth Tip-Exed in preparation for tonight. While they are doing that I will once again use my position at Syco as Simon Cowell's hairstylist to give you some backstage gossip, just like I did about Jean Martyn & Frankie Cocknocker when they were involved with the company. So without further ado let us see what we have in store for tonight:-

Ashleigh & Pudsey

We British love our pets and so it is no surprise that we have a dancing dog in the final this year. She has also brought a canine with her and is a hot favourite to win, as people go wild over seeing a little dogging walking around on 2 legs groping the hips of a woman, while Simon Cowell will be smiling like a gurning fool because he is really really into bestiality. They will be dancing tonight to 90s classic Doop by the band Doop.

Aquabatique

A Saturday night full of wet women eh? A Typical Saturday night for any woman who spends time in my company ;) But these women aren't just ordinary women - no they are women who can keep their mouths shut for more than two minutes! A rarity nowadays eh lads? lol. These women have taken their inspiration for life from the movie Splash staring Daryl Hannah and have set plans in motion to grab a man and make him live under water with them forever. Yes even the woman with the odd shaped boobs. I doubt they will win today but they will there to give the men something to look at to balance up for the women perving off Jonathan. They will be swimming to the song Under The Sea

Jonathan & Charlotte

Porcelain faced sex god Jonathan breezed his way into the finals bringing his chubby singing partner along with him for the ride. Little is known about him apart from her spends 12 hours a day masturbating over Charlotte's Facebook page and spends at least 3 hours a day singing very loudly in an Operatic Voice at full pelt in a tramps face. Rumour has it that this is his second crack at stardom so he will have an experience factor that others won't.....

 Rumour has it that they will sing an operatic version of 1993 No1 Hit Mr Blobby

Kai and Natalia

I can think of literally nothing vaguely amusing to write about this duo, which sort of suggests that I find them a bit boring, even though they are good at what they do. I think they have Strictly No Chance of winning. They are dancing to the theme tune from Blockbusters

Loveable Rogues

They might be Loveable Rogue who are highlighting just how sexy a musical instrument the Ukulele is but using my mums very stringent rule that anyone who wears shoes & trousers without socks is a pervert I'm afraid I won't be supporting them. I may have a go at writing my own song about real life things. If it's about things I am into then it may well be calling the Drinky Wanking Song! :)  Loveable Rogues will be singing another self-penned song about real life called Simon Offered Us A Record Deal If We Suck Him Off

Molly Rainford

Now I know it is not considered good form to berate children, but fuck it I am going to. I really don't like the child acts on BGT. They are always very mediocre but because the producers are scared that they will break down and cry like that Adelweiss kid a few years ago they get comments comparing them to Mariah Carey and told they are excellent. If anyone was watching the semi-final that this child was in they would have heard the same slow, boring, slightly off-key dirge I heard? If Molly wins I might have to go on a King Herod style spree to ensure that in a decades time we are not still listening to pointless child acts. She will be singing a very slow version of When I'm Cleaning Windows by George Formby

Nu-Sxool

Paedophiles dream act, Nu-Sxool, have probably been the most subtle in getting their sob story across. Not for them are tales of bullying, discrimination or growing up on the wrong side of the ghetto. They have made their barrier obvious in their spelling. It is obviously a school for Dyslexic people who's only outlet is Dance! It's like a modern day Fame in the making. Saying that although they will be good I don't think I will be as big a fan of their act as Gary Glitter will be. They will be dancing to the original Grange Hill theme during which David Walliams will run on with a sausage on a fork.

Only Boys Aloud

Discrimination still lives on as this womanphobic choir who only allow boys into their singing world reach the finals. Unlike "New School" these did try to use a sob story to get to the final by saying they were bullied. They are Welsh though so what do they expect???? I'm surprised that any bully would want to attack them with their slightly creepy looking Choirmaster protecting them from behind the bushes. I wonder if they will wear their ever so trendy White Shirts & Blue Jeans Summer Bay High uniform tonight? They are singing the Home & Away theme tune.

Ryan O'Shaughnessy

The man with the surname that Dec seems to have a lot of trouble pronouncing (WTF is O'shopmessy?) managed to wangle his way into the final after escaping from the clutches of The Voice Ireland (God knows who the judging panel is on that show? Dana, Daniel O'Donnell, one of the Nolans and probably Kian from Westlife I reckon) and writing two of his own songs (they wont be as good as the Drinky Wanking Song though!). Poor Ryan, despite having Teeth that make Cowell stiffer than a 5 week dead corpse, and being a very talented song writer, has still not been able to get the girl of her dreams to open her legs...I mean heart... to him. He is not too concerned about winning tonight, but rather capturing the love of his life. Maybe when he sings his new ballad "I've Never Seen A Big Bushy Fanny Before" she will finally cave in and hook up with him.

 Sam Kelly

Named after the esteemed actor of Porridge, On The Up and Barbara fame, Sam took to music so he could earn enough money to get his other arm tattooed. He wants a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine on there and a picture of Alicia Dixon noshing off Simon Cowell. He hopes to win tonight with his cover version of Snooker Loopy by Chas & Dave.

The Wild Card!

Don't forget we also have a Wild Card act in the final! Will it be Pissed & Twulse Junior? Will it be The Fix....erm I mean The Mend. Will it be Billy George and his giant hoop (I thought I had misheard it at first and it was Boy George who I believe also has a big hoop)? 

I personally hope that it is none other than the sexiest winky organ manipulator on the planet....

We can but live in hope! 

Failing that maybe this chap could go on and sing The Shoop Shoop Song in the style of a Dalek? 

There you go with your guide to the Britain's Got Talent Final 2012. Hope it gave you at least a bit of a chuckle and if not tough shit I'm no David Walliams.

Catch you on Twitter

@Gazabell

PS: I don't hate children, the Welsh, the Irish, singers, dance acts, Simon Cowell's teeth, women, men, Orangutans or hoops. I do hate Jedward though.

Who is she? Who is she?

We as a nation are obsessed by our celebrities. I don’t know why it happens and I don’t know why we take such an interest in them. Actually I do. It’s because, at the end of the day, we are all a bunch of right nosey bastards. That’s why when reality television really kicked off about 15 years ago it was only a matter of time before we got celebrity versions of shows. It’s all very well watching “normal” (i.e. Fame hungry wannabes) people in these shows, but what we really want to see if people we think we know, and with most celebrities we do think we already know them, and the TV Producers knew that and decided that Celebrity Versions would draw us all in. Do you know what? They were right – we love to see people get humiliated in this country; we love to see people out of their comfort zones doing things that they don’t like doing, and that’s why we keep watching these shows.

Of course the TV Producers do stretch the word “celebrity” to almost breaking point, as we shall see later on in this blog, because there is no way that someone whose career is going well is going to wank a pig, eat a kangaroo dick or subject themselves to high definition Bruce Forsyth (rumoured to be akin to a testicle with a face), but no matter what, each time these shows come on and we sit there looking at the screen saying “Who the fuck is Aggro Santos?” and “How does failing your driving test so many times make you famous?” we will still tune in to the human circus that is Celebrity Reality TV.

If you are reading this just as I have written it (don’t worry I will be plugging it like a Dutch boy with a finger in a dyke) then you will know that Channel 5 (or is it just Five now?) have graced us with “Celebrity” Big Brother 2012 (a mere 5 months after the last one?). If you are reading it months or years later then (A) what took you so long?, and (B) I told you [insert name of winning celebrity] would win it didn’t I? If you are watching it then you will already know that a show like this is made for Twitter. If you read the Hashtag #cbb then you will get to see some very funny tweets about the show from the witty & urbane Tweeps on there. I will certainly be joining in the tweeting (@Gazabell or more likely if I overtweet @Gazabelljailed) and I suggest that you do to, because it is a lot of fun.

If you have never watched a reality TV show before I suggest that you watch this. These “celebrities” are really just people who obviously need some exposure, have got fuck all to do, or got offered good money – no matter how many times they say they wanted the experience, needed a break, or just wanted to have fun. You may not know who the “celebrities” are in this series (I must admit I had to look up a couple of them) so I have done you a handy guide to help you out….

Andrew Stone

This poor man’s Lionel Blair is a self-professed Triple-Threat, which seems to mean is a Twat, Fuckwit & Cunt, and apparently people who like him call him the “Starman” (i.e. he & he alone calls himself “Starman”). He ‘shot to fame’ by being on that show with Louis Spence, where he was out camped, out danced & out-liked by the middle-aged twisty lispy juggernaut. However, he is apparently the Cream that rises to the top he claims, though it looks like the cream has curdled and now smells of sick. Nevertheless this straight as a slinky gobshite thinks he is in with a shot of winning. He will be lucky to outlast Frankie Cocknocker.

Denise Welsh

She might look like Eddie Izzard in drag but Denise has the drinking ability of Oliver Reed. According to my mum Denise is a renowned “Slaaaaaaggg” and it must be said that from what I have seen of her she makes your average cougar look like a nun, though you get the feeling that she is just playing up to this image. Denise is will mainly spend this series looking for booze, drunkenly coming onto anyone with a dick (watch out Sonia!) and flashing her middle-aged tits at anyone who glances at her

Frankie Cocknocker

Neglected Ewok lookalike & spotty Herbert Frankie is listed as an “Entertainer” on the official Big Brother Facebook Page. I didn’t know that spreading various STDs around was quite so entertaining, but apparently it is. Despite looking like he has not had a wash for 3 years, and he is wearing a back-to-front wig, this squashed face young clapbag will probably stay in for a fair bit, as apparently teenage girls nowadays like nothing better than being biffed by a green discharge ridden dick with the promise that they can have their name tattooed on a bum. It has to be said that I am not a fan of this person, as I have already mentioned in a previous blog. This may become apparent in my tweets.

Gareth Thomas

Old faced 37 year old Gareth likes nothing better than having his face in pair of big hairy meaty thighs, a man behind him & grabbing odd shaped balls. Oh and I think he played Rugby or something. I don’t think he will face any homophobia in the house because he looks like he snap anyone he wants to in half in there, and in all probability he will be a favourite to win.

Georgia Salpa

Beautiful Georgia is beautiful, and is famous for…..erm being beautiful. Possibly the biggest contender on this years “Who the fuck is that?” scenario is this beautiful woman, who despite being beautiful, is apparently most famous for modelling underwear. No wonder nobody recognises her face, which is beautiful of course. She will spend her time in the house being beautiful and talking in some kind of Is it/Isn’t it Irish accent but nobody will be listening to her anyway, just staring at her because she is beautiful. She will be lucky not to get an STD of Frankie Cocknocker.

Kirk Norcross

No show of 2011/2012 would be complete without an appearance by somebody off TOWIE. Because nothing draws in ratings like a “celebrity” off a show which is only shown on ITV2 (a station that gets fewer viewers than 5) and is watched mainly by morons who like their shows faked to within an inch of their life. Expect such catchphrase gems to be heard as “shut up” “Reem” “Ufkefafka” “In da blingo” and “Woppelychoppely” (please note I don’t watch the show and have taken liberties with some of these catchphrases). These reality shows always have a loveable rogue – this is your one for this year, so he will probably go far.

Kristina & Karissa

These pinch-nosed, odd-faced 'glamour' ladies are basically famous for shagging an octogenarian man. These twin Playbunnies are models apparently and are supposed to drive men mad with desire, but I think by the end of their stay you can take the words “with desire” out of the equation. As far as sex appeal goes they are outdone by at least 2 of the other women, maybe even Natasha Giggs and at a push Denise Izzard (sorry Sonia), but they have the potential to be more annoying than those Irish fuckwits Twit & Twat (is that even possible?).

Michael Madsen

Gravel voiced American, Michael, drinks petrol and gargles shards of glass to get his husky voice. He must be a renowned exposer, because a lot of people said to him “Free Willy” but we will have to wait and see. He is the most likely person to not have a fucking clue what is going on in the house, and will probably leave after a few days.

Natalie “Sonia” Cassidy

Trumpet loving, Transvestite look-a-like, Sonia has gone into the Big Brother house because she needs the money. When not rubbing it in people’s faces that she brought out a fitness DVD, creamed all the money, & then put her weight back on, Sonia likes to call people “Babes” in an attempt to annoy them. To be fair though I think she has got a good chance of winning the show, as she seems to be down to earth. She will do herself lots of favours by ragging Nicola McClean around the house.

Natasha Giggs

Yes it has come to this. Apparently nowadays you qualify as a celebrity if you have shagged someone famous. Watch out Celebrity Big Brother 2013 I’m coming to get you, because I once had a night of passion with Grotbags, and went to a very interesting party with Michael Barrymore……erm which I am not allowed to talk about. Natasha basically got nobbed by her brother-in-law which was in the papers – ergo she is now a celebrity. I don’t expect her to be in the show long.

Nicola McLean

Big tits, giganto jugs, massive mamms, Nicola was not content with having one shot at reality TV fame in I’m A Celebrity….. It seems that being less popular than 80s sadcase & extremely unlikable twat, David Van Day, has driven her to have another crack at getting herself 5 more minutes of fame. Nicola is sure to win the viewers over by bragging about all her money, jewellery and going on about the fact that she is a mother CONSTANTLY. She would be better off keeping her mouth shut and sitting there with her norks out for 3 weeks.

Romeo Dunn

Frank Bruno sound-a-like Romeo is a rapper, and is especially good at doing those fiddly little bows and those little tags you get with the paper. Hohohohohoho just my little joke, he was a member of So Solid Crew, which leads me to question how solid you actually are if you have to have the back up of 20 other people? He would be more solid if he only had 5 people to back him up in a fight surely? They ain’t so solid to me! Romeo is hoping to last a while because the last time he was on telly it only took him 21 seconds to go.

Annie Thing

This is the one contestant I couldn't find something out about. I am not really sure who she is, but it is possible that she also goes under the name of Annie Pointers, Annie Tips, Annie Way, Annie Ofthem, Annie Love, Annie Makeup. Whoever she is Brian Dowling mentioned her lots, but I have yet to see her in it, and I don't think we even saw her come out to be honest. I am going to keep on watching though, just in case we see this mysterious Annie!

So that’s it people – your cast of characters for Celebrity Big Brother 2012. I would say whether you like reality TV or not it is definitely worth a watch to see how it goes, and if you are watching I really recommend you keep an eye on Twitter too on the #cbb hashtag - some of the people who tweet about it make the show much more enjoyable, and I think that even if you don't like it you will still get a bit of a laugh out of it :)

If you decide to watch it then enjoy the show, and if you don't well at least you read this and that made it worth my time watching it.

Peace Out

@Gazabell

Frankie do we remember you?

So it's official then! STD ridden, neglected Ewok look-a-like Frankie Cocknocker has been kicked out of the X-Factor for breaking one of the "Golden Rules". Is it terribly rude that I am glad he got kicked out. Not just the fact that he can't sing. It does my head in that he is bigged up as a party animal. If he is a party animal I must be like Oliver Reed!

Anyway you are probably more intrigued by the words "Golden Rules" and I can reveal the answers to you. As you may remember I work for Simon Cowell and can give you the inside story from SyCo about these mystery "Golden Rules". There are 10 of these said rules which vary each year and they are to be strictly adhered to at all times or the Wrath Of Cowell ("Cooooooowwwwwwwellllllll") will descend up you. These very strict rules or "Cowell Commandments" this year are, in no particular order:-

1. Thou Shalt Not Leave Your fetid cock discharge on Tulisa's pillow
2. Thou Shalt Not put Dermot's suits on a shrink wash
3. Thou Shalt Not out Louis Walsh
4. Thou Shalt Not swap Craig Colton's slimfast for protein shake
5. Thou Shalt Not hide one of Kitty Brucknell's eyebrows
6. Thou Shalt Not call Kelly Rowland "an annoying fucking c*nt" y'all
7. Thou Shalt Not wear your wig back to front
8. Thou Shalt Not claim that Steve Brookstein was the greatest ever XFactor winner
9. Thou Shalt Not call everyone RACHEL ADEDEJI in the style of Peter Dickinson
10. Thou Shalt Not get "Dawn Barlow" tattooed on your arse

If you can manage to stick to all of these commandments then you have every chance of reaching the final. At least now we don't have to worry about all these teenage slags who want to get poked by Frankie's green, blistered, dick voting for him. To those that did vote for him because you thought he was fit I say to you that this is what you could expect to see in the future

Nice To See You...

Picture the scene – It’s the Garden Of Eden, and a very angry Mr God has just banished Adam & Eve for being greedy apple eating bastards, the serpent is condemned to crawl on his belly, and the angel with the fiery sword guards the path so nobody can return - Oh yeah I’ve got a B in Religion GCSE, I know my Bible! (Would have been an A if I knew my Koran a bit better!) but there is one person who is never mentioned in the scriptures, one man who has roamed the Earth for millions of years – if you listen closely you will hear him tap dancing his way out of the Garden of Eden trying to perfect a new catchphrase “Didn’t she do…bad?”

Fast forward a few thousand years and Our Lord Jesus has been crucified and has been in his tomb for three days, when suddenly the witnesses hear the sound of “Life…is the name of the game, and I want to play the game with you…” Suddenly, Jesus has risen from the dead, and the sound of tap dancing fades into the distance. Didn’t he do well?

Fast forward another few thousand years and there is trouble brewing in England. Civil war threatens the stability of the country. A battle takes place at Edgehill and things look bad for the Royalists, when suddenly a loud noise is heard booming from the hill – everybody looks up and there silhouetted against the moon is the figure of a man…half crouching, fist to head, chin made of granite, slender legs tapered behind him, and he says the immortal words “Nice to see you…” and all assembled cannot help themselves “…to see you nice” – but it is not nice, as the man of legend, older than Joan Collins herself, jumps down the hill and tap dances over every single roundhead on the battle field. Didn’t he do well? However it is not enough to turn the tide of the war, and because of his royalist leanings the legendary man is forced into hiding for hundreds more years.

We reach 1916 and the First World War is raging. The Allies need a new weapon to help them in the war. Technology has progressed and the horseless carriage has come to the fore. However, they are just not strong enough to survive battle. But then he appears again out of nowhere at a secret military location, so secret that even he does not know where it is, and he shows them that horseless carriages can be made sturdier. He brings out his secret weapon – it is a horseless carriage with giant sized playing cards attached to it all over making a giant shell – ladies and gentlemen that Tank is invented. Didn’t he do well?

But he disappears again…
…not too long this time though. For as prophesised by Nostradamus himself in 1939 he appears to perk up morale during the war

“And lo when the silver birds of the sky shall deploy their wretched spheres of
Destruction about the green and pleasant land, they boy of atoms shall appear
and shalt question the people about how well she or he did”

And the prediction came true….that man is none other than Sir Bruce Forsyth. Owner of the finest hair ever produced by the British Cotton Company, the beadiest eyes seen on a non-eagle, and the ability to entertain any crowd he chooses. He has barely changed over the years. He will tap dance if anyone so much as looks at him, will sing like a Britain’s Got Talent Pensioner act, and will spout words of poetry not heard since the Bard himself was alive. Poems such as….

“I’m the leader of the pack,
Which is what makes me such a lucky jack,
They say all good things come in pairs,
Well look at these two croupiers,
Look at them they’re so appealing,
Come on Dollies, do your dealing”

Words to bring tear to a glass eye I am sure you will agree!

So let me tell you a few facts about Brucie….

Did you know….know did you?
That because of all his tap dancing, Brucie has a stronger kick than a shire horse.

Did you know….know did you?
Brucie’s hair is so flame retardant that he singlehandedly put out the fire at Windsor Castle by doing a headstand throughout the building.

Did you know….know did you?
The cards in Play Your Cards Right were originally normal sized, but Brucie refused to wear glasses so they just made the cards bigger over the years

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie trades in his wife for a taller model every 25 years because he refuses to wear glasses

Did you know….know did you?
As well as writing the theme tune to the Generation Game, Brucie also wrote the popular songs, Smack My Bitch Up, Mull of Kintyre, Agadoo, and Edge of Glory

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie’s chin is so strong that Geoff Capes once broke his wrist when he accidently waved his hand into Brucie’s face

Did you know….know did you?
That even at the age he is now Brucie has sex every 4 hours, and is still very good in the sack, but is insecure and asks to ask about himself “Didn’t he do well?”

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie was already a Sir after being given the honour by Elizabeth I for undisclosed services, though rumour has it she was not such a Virgin afterwards


So love him or hate him – you have to admit that the man is a living legend, and if you don’t agree he will tap dance all over you and then your grave. Who knows what the future holds for Sir Bruce Forsyth. I have heard rumours that the Ministry Of Defence are currently making some humungous sized playing cards ready to deploy if Brucie demands it, and the world’s Tallest Woman has been seen hanging around the Strictly Come Dancing studio.

No matter what happens we will always know that it is “Nice to see you….to see you nice”

@Gazabell

There Is Nothing Like A Dame

Take yourself back to the Eighties – not literally, unless you are The Doctor or Dr Sam Beckett you may find this impossible – I mean in your mind (Yep – sorry youngsters this blog might be a bit before your time – don’t worry I will get around to doing a Power Rangers one at some point that you can enjoy :D). Have you done it? Cast yourself back. Look around you and what do you see? Perms & Mullets abound, Shoulder Pads are huge, there is a woman(ish) in charge of the country, and a rat is the biggest ratings winner on TV.

But who is interested in Roland Rat on telly when you look at the same programme he is on and she her….Blonde Mulleted, wearing some of the snazziest jumper combos seen in the eighties, and giggling like a loon. It can only be one person….Wincey Willis! So famous she goes to An Audience With… recordings, and has been name checked by Victoria Wood, and she bestrides our screen like a juggernaut of lovlieness.

Fast forward more years than you could imagine and now she bestrides a different arena – the online sexiverse that is Twitter, and that’s what I am going to blog about. You might think about her for different reasons – for being a journalist, author, editor, conservationist, radio presenter, or even for helping buffoons guide Aneka Rice around a town in a helicopter, but for me Wincey Willis is now always going to be about Twitter.

As you may have read in some of her previous blogs Dame Wincey joined Twitter purely because somebody was pretending to be her, but in my opinion, that person has done us all a massive favour. I, like some people, was a bit sceptical when I saw her tweeting, and thought it was another one of these sad acts who pretends to be someone they aren’t because they are too scared that people won’t find them funny in their real life persona. Then that awkward moment came when she tweeted me after one of my piss take comments no doubt. Being that I am a bloody lovely person (hell yeah you know it! Lol) I replied and thought nothing of it, then I got another tweet – telling me off for spelling Wincey wrong – then more tweets followed, a bit of banter and then oh no she followed me. I don’t normally follow “fake” celebs unless they are funny, but I was unsure whether @WinceyWillis1 was real or not, so I had a closer look at her profile and tweets. If she was fake then her tweets were pretty convincing so I gave her the benefit of doubt. I don’t know why I was so worried. We tweeted each other more over the next couple of days and it soon became apparent that she was the real deal. What’s more it soon became apparent that I found her engaging, funny, sweet and just the little bit smutty – just what I want in a follower!

I soon became the unofficial official Twitter guide for Dame Wincey – after bamboozling her with the terms we use on Twitter. A few times I would get a tweet saying “what is ROFL?” Knowing me I probably made up some bullishit like “Rolf Orgasms For Llamas”. On another occasion I had to explain what #Twitterjail was – after I think she thought I was really a prisoner somewhere.

This probably made me like Dame Wincey even more – how many celebrities do you know that would try to organise a Jail Break gang for you, complete with dynamite, tunnels, seduction and smuggling?

More banter has followed over the past year or so we have followed each other – from the formation of our double act WinceyBell (due to play the 02 arena in 2012), to Star Wars Tennis, to blog wars, to the near elimination of my use of the c-word on Twitter and now we have agreed to have a tweet up over the summer. How lucky is she getting to meet me!

Anyway, if you follow @WinceyWillis1 (oooo I’ve plugged you now Dame Wincey – was it good for you?) then you will see that she is the best celebrity on Twitter. She is down to earth, tweets funny things, replies when she can, promotes Merlot so much that I am sure she is getting freebies, and never ever tries to do a weather report. Saying that she tries to stop me from swearing sometimes (to some but not a lot of effect) and she has a tendency to blame cows for all the poo in her garden (there are no cows nearby – say no more!) so she has her bad points too!

So why is she Dame Wincey? Well for her services to Tweeting of course and because she is a great person to follow. I am allowed to bestow Damehoods, because I am the King Of Twitter according to her (I don’t like to correct her but I am actually the Emperor Of Twitter!) and I think it is a well deserved one.

So basically this blog is a bit of a salute to the living legend that is Dame Wincey Willis – I’m proud to call her a follower, tweep, Dame and friend. If you aren’t following you are missing out and if you are following her (she has long overtook me now!) then you already knew all of this I have written about and you have wasted 5 minutes of your life you fool!

Keep tweeting Dame Wincey

Lots of Love
@Gazabell