Boots & Cats! Boots & Cats!

Sound the fanfare! Set off the fireworks! Toot your horn (easy now!) and let out a huge HURRAH! For it is that time again! We have reached another Britain's Got Dance Acts & Lots Of Singers but No Real Variety Final. It doesn't seem that long ago until Scottish Sex Siren, Susan Boyle, put Britain firmly on the map to show that not only do we have the sexiest women on the planet, but we also know how to shake our hips at middle aged men and can knock a tune out if we want to. Since then we have had a succession of successful singers and dance groups that have won the competition. I can't name them all off the top of my head mind you but I am sure they are very successful even so. 

Tonight (well unless you are reading this much later!) we will see 6 singing acts (no its not XFactor even though it might seem like it!) take on 3 dance acts & 1 synchronised swimming act proving without a doubt that variety is not dead (unless you are a comedian, magician, bell ringer, impressionist, trampolinist, big spinny hoop person, martial arts act, pianist, contortionist, ventriloquist, puppeteer, laser harpist, or pan wearing Dalek Impersonator). 


As I type this the Judges are getting their 2nd coat of Cuprinol and their teeth Tip-Exed in preparation for tonight. While they are doing that I will once again use my position at Syco as Simon Cowell's hairstylist to give you some backstage gossip, just like I did about Jean Martyn & Frankie Cocknocker when they were involved with the company. So without further ado let us see what we have in store for tonight:-

Ashleigh & Pudsey

We British love our pets and so it is no surprise that we have a dancing dog in the final this year. She has also brought a canine with her and is a hot favourite to win, as people go wild over seeing a little dogging walking around on 2 legs groping the hips of a woman, while Simon Cowell will be smiling like a gurning fool because he is really really into bestiality. They will be dancing tonight to 90s classic Doop by the band Doop.

Aquabatique

A Saturday night full of wet women eh? A Typical Saturday night for any woman who spends time in my company ;) But these women aren't just ordinary women - no they are women who can keep their mouths shut for more than two minutes! A rarity nowadays eh lads? lol. These women have taken their inspiration for life from the movie Splash staring Daryl Hannah and have set plans in motion to grab a man and make him live under water with them forever. Yes even the woman with the odd shaped boobs. I doubt they will win today but they will there to give the men something to look at to balance up for the women perving off Jonathan. They will be swimming to the song Under The Sea

Jonathan & Charlotte

Porcelain faced sex god Jonathan breezed his way into the finals bringing his chubby singing partner along with him for the ride. Little is known about him apart from her spends 12 hours a day masturbating over Charlotte's Facebook page and spends at least 3 hours a day singing very loudly in an Operatic Voice at full pelt in a tramps face. Rumour has it that this is his second crack at stardom so he will have an experience factor that others won't.....

 Rumour has it that they will sing an operatic version of 1993 No1 Hit Mr Blobby

Kai and Natalia

I can think of literally nothing vaguely amusing to write about this duo, which sort of suggests that I find them a bit boring, even though they are good at what they do. I think they have Strictly No Chance of winning. They are dancing to the theme tune from Blockbusters

Loveable Rogues

They might be Loveable Rogue who are highlighting just how sexy a musical instrument the Ukulele is but using my mums very stringent rule that anyone who wears shoes & trousers without socks is a pervert I'm afraid I won't be supporting them. I may have a go at writing my own song about real life things. If it's about things I am into then it may well be calling the Drinky Wanking Song! :)  Loveable Rogues will be singing another self-penned song about real life called Simon Offered Us A Record Deal If We Suck Him Off

Molly Rainford

Now I know it is not considered good form to berate children, but fuck it I am going to. I really don't like the child acts on BGT. They are always very mediocre but because the producers are scared that they will break down and cry like that Adelweiss kid a few years ago they get comments comparing them to Mariah Carey and told they are excellent. If anyone was watching the semi-final that this child was in they would have heard the same slow, boring, slightly off-key dirge I heard? If Molly wins I might have to go on a King Herod style spree to ensure that in a decades time we are not still listening to pointless child acts. She will be singing a very slow version of When I'm Cleaning Windows by George Formby

Nu-Sxool

Paedophiles dream act, Nu-Sxool, have probably been the most subtle in getting their sob story across. Not for them are tales of bullying, discrimination or growing up on the wrong side of the ghetto. They have made their barrier obvious in their spelling. It is obviously a school for Dyslexic people who's only outlet is Dance! It's like a modern day Fame in the making. Saying that although they will be good I don't think I will be as big a fan of their act as Gary Glitter will be. They will be dancing to the original Grange Hill theme during which David Walliams will run on with a sausage on a fork.

Only Boys Aloud

Discrimination still lives on as this womanphobic choir who only allow boys into their singing world reach the finals. Unlike "New School" these did try to use a sob story to get to the final by saying they were bullied. They are Welsh though so what do they expect???? I'm surprised that any bully would want to attack them with their slightly creepy looking Choirmaster protecting them from behind the bushes. I wonder if they will wear their ever so trendy White Shirts & Blue Jeans Summer Bay High uniform tonight? They are singing the Home & Away theme tune.

Ryan O'Shaughnessy

The man with the surname that Dec seems to have a lot of trouble pronouncing (WTF is O'shopmessy?) managed to wangle his way into the final after escaping from the clutches of The Voice Ireland (God knows who the judging panel is on that show? Dana, Daniel O'Donnell, one of the Nolans and probably Kian from Westlife I reckon) and writing two of his own songs (they wont be as good as the Drinky Wanking Song though!). Poor Ryan, despite having Teeth that make Cowell stiffer than a 5 week dead corpse, and being a very talented song writer, has still not been able to get the girl of her dreams to open her legs...I mean heart... to him. He is not too concerned about winning tonight, but rather capturing the love of his life. Maybe when he sings his new ballad "I've Never Seen A Big Bushy Fanny Before" she will finally cave in and hook up with him.

 Sam Kelly

Named after the esteemed actor of Porridge, On The Up and Barbara fame, Sam took to music so he could earn enough money to get his other arm tattooed. He wants a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine on there and a picture of Alicia Dixon noshing off Simon Cowell. He hopes to win tonight with his cover version of Snooker Loopy by Chas & Dave.

The Wild Card!

Don't forget we also have a Wild Card act in the final! Will it be Pissed & Twulse Junior? Will it be The Fix....erm I mean The Mend. Will it be Billy George and his giant hoop (I thought I had misheard it at first and it was Boy George who I believe also has a big hoop)? 

I personally hope that it is none other than the sexiest winky organ manipulator on the planet....

We can but live in hope! 

Failing that maybe this chap could go on and sing The Shoop Shoop Song in the style of a Dalek? 

There you go with your guide to the Britain's Got Talent Final 2012. Hope it gave you at least a bit of a chuckle and if not tough shit I'm no David Walliams.

Catch you on Twitter

@Gazabell

PS: I don't hate children, the Welsh, the Irish, singers, dance acts, Simon Cowell's teeth, women, men, Orangutans or hoops. I do hate Jedward though.

Britain's Got (Fixed) Talent

You might have seen THIS LINK on Twitter today about Ronan Parkes being a fix winner of this year’s Britain’s Got Talent, but I am here to tell you that things are not quite as they seem. You see you may not know this but I work for SYCO which makes Britain’s Got Talent and I have the REAL inside story on what is happening. You see I am Simon Cowell’s hairdresser – I maintain his fine locks by quickly setting his hair on fire and then putting it back out with a wet Tea Towel before any major damage is done – thus giving him his stubby burnt paintbrush look.

Anyways back to the real story. Ronan Parkes is just a decoy so that people think he is an obvious winner. The truth is that Cowell has somebody much more talented in mind for the coveted winners spot. That person is of course Jean Martyn






The production team first came across Jean in 2008 when she was a small black man called Trevor. Trevor was at the birthday party of Timmy Mallet, and had a novelty act of some repute. The producers were so impressed that they signed him up to a lifetime contract with SYCO right away and invited Trevor to come to the 2009 auditions, when, unlike other contestants, they got Louis Walsh to pay him on the bus.

The time came for Trevor to perform his act as a Chinchilla juggling rapper. However, he was very nervous and accidently stood on one of the chinchillas before the audition, so Cowell, seeing the potential, took Trevor backstage and allowed him to perform privately in his dressing room, with his mother there to support him. Cowell could see the potential but thought that chinchilla juggling rappers were ten a penny and wanted something different for what he saw as a potential future megastar who could break the notoriously difficult over 50’s market.

He immediately set a team to work to change Trevor into the star he knew he could be. Unbeknownst to even his own mother, the team changed Trevor into a white middle aged woman called Jean Martyn. As 2010 rolled along they encouraged Jean to work on a new act that would wow the audience and so in Cardiff in 2010 the Judges and audience were to see the new Jean for the first time. Jean was incredibly nervous doing her new act, which was Pole Dancing whilst singing Yellow Submarine, and as a result she performed her fanny whirler finale too early causing the pole to buckle and send her crashing to the floor.

This was a disaster so Cowell once again stepped in. The audition was wiped from the records and he sent a new team in to work with Jean before the menopause hit, which would put her career on hold. He told the team that they had to have Jean ready for 2011 or else! A team of piano teachers, elocution teachers, and sparkly jacket makers were set to work to make Jean ready for 2011.

Then, the most disgusting part for me, somebody in a production meeting suggested that rather than hide Jean’s naturally bubbly personality they should highlight the more “mental” aspects of it. After all there had never been a mental middle-aged woman on TV before and the company could make millions from it! Jean was restyled completely from top to bottom. She was encouraged to giggle like a donkey given ecstasy. She was told to wear sparkly Joan Collins style jackets, wink indiscriminately and give the occasional thumbs up to anyone in her eyeline.

She was prepared and at the 2011 auditions Jean was unveiled, as the Les Dawson stylee, piano bashing gurning simpleton that Cowell knew the British public would fall in love with. The judges were ordered to give a standing ovation, and David Hasslehoff was even ordered to have his penis poking out of his zip in a “love salute” to Jean!

Then the SYCO publicity machine went into overdrive and immediately a Facebook fanpage, and even an Xtube page was set up for Jean, all managed directly by SYCO in case Jean put anything they didn’t want on the page. This was not done for any other act apart from Ronan Parkes (The decoy). Again Jean was given special treatment; she was given a £20 Argos gift voucher and a 20% discount card at Spud-U-Like. This is terrible as at some point Jean will have to pay all this back out her winnings. She doesn’t know as she sits there every day gorging herself on Tuna & Sweetcorn Jacket potato at reduced price that she is getting herself deeper and deeper into debt with SYCO!

And this Saturday when the final happens and Jean inevitably wins it she doesn’t realise what the future will hold. She will be expected to perform at Bingo Halls up and down the country, and if she is tired it won’t matter. Some lowlife will be there to pop another Sanatogen in her Ovaltine and let her freebase some cod liver oil to inject between her toes.

It is a slippery slope and all because she wanted to appear on TV. Once she hits that menopause in a couple of years time she will be discarded and left to fend for herself. Will she make a comeback? Probably not, though maybe she can appear on Celebrity Coach Trip. Who knows?

Thank you for letting me get this message out there. It needed to be done!

Not so Anon
SYCO