I thought I'd put up all those cheesy pun/jokes I have been putting on my twitter all week on this blog. About 90% of them I have made up myself (or least hope I have) but there are probably the odd one or two that I have heard in the past and posted, but can't remember who's joke it was. I always give credit to anybody elses joke I use on my Twitter feed.
Here are the first batch anyway:-
• I've won loads of awards for my udder technique, but I don't like to milk it.
• If ever I was held hostage on holiday I'd hide in my luggage. You know. Just in case.
• My donkey looks like it needs some vetinary treatment down one side. That's a right pain in the ass.
• The doctors have told me that they need to "extract some mictration" from me. I don't like it. It sounds like they are taking the piss.
• Someone just threw a razor out of a window and it barely missed me. That was was a close shave.
• I FUCKING HATE PAWNS, ROOKS & KINGS! Sorry about that. It was just something I had to get off my Chess.
• I tried to get all the conkers out of that big oak, but only managed to get a couple. Still two out of tree ain't bad.
• I wanted to finish my story about giving presents, but I didn't know how to wrap it up.
• Just been offered a job assembling furniture, but screw that!
• They told me that there is nothing so addictive as hanging off a wall. They were right. I'm hooked on it.
• The doctor told me that the best way to hide the marks on my neck is by wearing some kind of neckerchief. I feel like I'm scarfed for life
• If those Ninja mops think they can have me in a fight they are so wrong! I'll wipe the floor with them.
• This pilot is flying too close to the water. That much is 'plane to sea
• Those numbers they put on boxes of bulbs. Watts that all about?
• I've just spilt my perrier over a mallard. It didn't mind too much. It was like water off a ducks back.
• Today I've invented the plain pizza. Top that!
• I don't like the way our local shop constantly tries to force you to buy herbs & fish. I mean there's a Thyme and a Plaice for everything.
• I let you in on a little secret. I've invented something that will keep food fresh in jars. Shhh though, I want to keep lid on it for now.
• My mate has wrote a song about Camembert, that she thinks will be a big hit. I'm not so sure. It sounds a bit cheesy to me.
• I think my brother is hiding a poker addiction so I confronted him about it. I told him it's cards on the table time.
• I used to be in a double act called The Bras, but I left because I felt like a right tit.
• My ongoing rant about my broken zip must have pissed off my mates, because the keep telling me to button it!
• Is it just me or would the best name for a shop that sells space suits & crucifixes be " 'Nauts & Crosses "
• I was going to make some spreadable explosives before, but on second thoughts I butter not.
• Someone knocked at the door before claiming to be selling Transparency Lotion. Wasn't conning me. I told him I could see right through him!
• People have said that my obsession with door nobs is out of control but I think I've got a handle on it.
• I had terrible trouble getting my trilby off before, but my mate came through for me and helped remove it. I've gotta take my hat off to him
• I find that if I make Indian food for my friends they will do things for me. That's one way to curry favour I suppose.
• And there's no way I'd ever work in a helium factory again. I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice! [This was some American comedian’s joke who was on Mock The Week, but I love it. Think his name was Hal somethingorother]
• I'd be a butcher, but I think it doesn't pay well and it would be hard to makes ends meat
• My ideal job would be teaching prostitutes to sing acapella but ho hum [I think this is one that I may have heard before, but told better]
Part 2 to follow