In The Year Of Our Lord...

On 10^th September I reached another Milestone, celebrating a birthday that on the face of it doesn’t seem like that big a deal. It’s an odd number and one that you wouldn’t think twice about. I celebrated my 33^rd Birthday, please hold back those comments saying I only look 24 (a guy can dream!) because I don’t mind being this old. I know some people hate the thought of getting older but I very rarely feel my age. In my head I am about 23 – just about mature enough to cope with being an adult, but young enough to still think I can stay out partying all hours and living life as much as I can. It’s a good place to be in your head I can tell you.

Anyway you might be thinking “Why is 33 such an important age?”. Well the answer is, it isn’t really, but there is one bit of trivia which I keep telling people, which I find quite amusing and I am going to share it with you. I have now lived as long as Jesus did. Yep, if my GCSE Religion is anything to go by Our Lord died when I he was 33.

Don’t worry this isn’t going to be a blog comparing me to the Son of God. I’ll leave that to quartets of 60’s pop Scousers or the weirdo brigade (here’s looking at you David Icke!). In fact at first glance I am more like the opposite to Jesus. Not in an Antichrist kind of way, but in a kind of reverse miracle kind of way. I mean Jesus turned water into wine, and I often turn wine into “water” (but you wouldn’t want to drink it!). I’ve never given a Sermon on the mount, mainly because I have to concentrate on the thrusting. And I can’t raise the dead, in fact I sometimes struggle to raise a smile on some people. Jesus was Aramaic, whereas I am more Aromatic. You get the picture!

On the other hand I do have some things in common I suppose. Jesus was good with wood, and so am I (even if I do say so myself) though admittedly not the same kind of wood. Jesus got angry with the money lenders, and I too have exchanged some angry letters with Nationwide. Jesus fed 5000 people with loaves and fishes, and I make a mean Fishfinger Butty. Jesus liked spending time in the company of 12 men and…well this is a family blog so we best leave that one there :P

So like I say I have not done this blog to big myself up as a new Son of Man, I just thought I would dispel some myths about being in your thirties. For example it is still possible for you to party hard like you did in your twenties. Even now I manage to get out more weekends, drink enough alcohol to fell Boris Yeltsin, and strut my funky stuff on the dancefloors. True I normally wake up the next day with calves that are tighter than Tory Government public funding finance plan, and I feel the tiredness a lot more, but that is the only difference to a night out when I was 25. The expected aches and pains of old age have yet to make a proper appearance. I can still get out of low furniture without groaning. I still know who most of the latest pop stars are – you won’t hear me saying “Who is Nicky Minge?”

I think I can credit my youthful feelings to my enjoyment of life and the company I keep. I have been really blessed in that I have an amazing family, not just my immediate one, but my extended family, which is HUGE. I have lots of aunts, uncles, hundreds of cousins and we all get on well together and have a good laugh when we see each other. Seeing my older relatives enjoying themselves, having a laugh and joke, comparing illnesses (at some family parties it’s like Ailment Top Trumps!) but still dancing, singing & laughing makes me realise that I don’t have to be old before my time. If my 79 year old Nan is still laughing everyday then that’s the way I want to be.

I’ve also been lucky with the friends I have got. I don’t like to brag (ok well maybe a little bit) but I have lots of friends of varying ages, and I can honestly say I always enjoy being with them. I have mates who I don’t see for years, but when we meet up it’s like I saw them the previous week. I have closer mates who I see often, and again I am always guaranteed a great laugh whenever I meet them. And the best thing is they still keep coming. I’ve got mates from school, mates I met by chance on nights out, mates from work, and now (in these exciting times of Social Media) I have mates I have met online. Even with the people I haven’t met but know online, most my Twitter followers, I know I can always find someone to talk to, to have a laugh with, and to moan to if I am down.

So how can I end this blog? I think I could give you some of the wealth of my wisdom of how to enjoy life because it has always stood me in good stead. Let’s call them the Gazabell 7 Commandments (blimey we are back on religion again!) because I can’t be arsed thinking of 10

·         Laugh Every Day

o   It’s supposed to be the Best Medicine (Diabetics I would still stick to Insulin) and I think if you can find something to laugh about everyday then things can’t be all that bad

·         Take The Piss

o   Now there is a fine line between taking the piss in a vindictive nasty way, and doing it in a way to make people laugh without hurting someone. I think a bit of gentle ribbing is a good thing. You have to remember that if you are going to take the piss don’t do it nastily to their face, and always be prepared to take the piss out of yourself

·         Never Forget You Are Amazing

o   I don’t mean become an arrogant arsehole. I just mean that everyone is special in their own way. Some people can’t see it in themselves so tell them if they can’t. Nobody is worthless so never think you are

·         Have Something To Look Forward To

o   Always have something in the pipeline that you want to do. It could be meeting up with friends, planning a holiday, organising a night out, taking the cat to get it’s claws clipped or playing Volleyball with Nuns. Things are always better when you have something to count down to.

·         Say Something Nice

o   I might come across as a piss-taking cheeky fucker, but I do have a nice side and I always try to make an effort to say something nice to a least one person a day. A little thing like that could make a big difference to your day.

·         Don’t Be Scared To Be Impromptu

o   Some people don’t like coming out of their comfort zone, but often the best way to have fun is to do something you haven’t planned, something unexpected. I have no plans for today, but if I wanted to I could make a video of me dressed as Sir Lancelot singing “Oh What A Knight”. I could run up and down the street waving a scarf over my head. I could ring Dame Wincey Willis and quote every line from the film Short Circuit 2. I’m not going to like, but I like the fact that my mind can come up with these things and I can do them if I want.

·         Follow Gazabell

o   I can’t guarantee to be funny all the time, or even any of the time, but I do try to give it my best shot. If I say something you like don’t be scared to Retweet it, because like most Tweeps a RT or a Favourite is like cocaine mixed with Jaegerbombs washed down with Pepsi and vodka and ecstasy (in short very addictive!) and once you have had it you just want more more more. Don’t be scared to give me a shoutout either. I would like to hit 5000 followers at some point (I’ll feed them with Tweet-sized loaves & fishes). You don’t just have to follow me on Twitter though. You can find me on Tumblr, Path, Facebook, Instagram, Dailybooth & probably anywhere else you care to look, so feel free to follow me or spread the word.

I think that should be enough pontificating and spreading a quick array of utter bollocks into your life for now anyway so Here Endeth Todays Lesson.

@Gazabell

Think Of The Fun We Had At Palace Hill...

There are some things we do in life because we enjoy and there are some things we do in life that we do because we are nice people. I did a nice thing today when I let my nephew watch Nickelodeon on the telly. As such I was subjected to the joys (never has sarcasm been used with such delight) of the kids TV of this generation. As such I found myself watching some American shite (no offence Americans I’m calling the show not the nation) of the ilk of iCarley or Drake & Josh (it’s embarrassing that I know the names of these programmes).

I found myself turning into one of those people who goes on about how Curly Wurly’s were bigger when they were young, about how the summers were longer and skies bluer, and how they spent their days with no consoles and computers and just spent their days playing Hide & Seek, football and British Bulldogs. I was thinking to myself that kid’s programmes were much better “when I were a lad”. However, when I thought about it a bit longer I realised that maybe I was getting all caught up in one of those generational things.

I know for a fact that I don’t get the shows my parents watched. Andy Pandy was so cheesy that I’m surprised there aren’t more lactose intolerant people around. And what about Fingerbobs? A show with puppets made out of paper and you could see the fingers of the puppeteers. And The Magic Roundabout? – I think I would need to be on LSD to have a clue what was going on there!

So then I wondered how I would explain the shows I loved as a kid to a future generation and it occurred to me that they would think I was mental for enjoying such shows. I’ll show you why (this might be more fun if you are in the 25-35ish bracket). See if you can guess the following 10 programmes which I loved as a child, as they may be explained nowadays :-

1) Technologically advanced Anthropomorphic felines, each with artefacts that imbue a special ability upon them, battle a Mummy, and his gang of henchmen, which include anthropomorphic versions of a Toad, Monkey & Jackal. Did I mention you could defeat the powerful enemy by showing him his own reflection?

2) Ring-tailed mammals take part in various environmentally friendly adventures in a forest while thwarting the capitalist overtures of a phallic-nosed Aardvark-like creature

3) A middle-aged man lives with a bear with learning difficulties, a homosexual hippopotamus, and the mutated offspring of an egg and a pair of corduroy trousers, whilst being regularly interrupted by three swinging singers with a penchant for stripy tops and white trousers.

4) A latex crocodile, ably assisted by a latex rat and latex mouse runs a successful magazine show from the sewers

5) A Lion and his faithful companion, a Lynx, circumnavigate the globe with a deadline.

6) A middle-aged man, who never the less insists on wearing Bermuda shorts and a novelty spectacles, attacks young children with a foam hammer for their failure to fully grasp the diversity of the English Language, whilst pulling tongues at them and desecrating their faces with plasters scrawled with mild smut.

7) A small basset hound dog rides a horse around 17th Century France battling ne’er-do-wells with the aid of 3 other dogs, all the time hoping to get off with another dog who works for the Queen.

8) A Prince with a split personality battles a man who seems to have suffered complete necrosis of the face and his henchmen, some of whom consist of a man with three eyes, a man whose special talent is fisting people (this is actually true), a woman so evil that she uses it as her first name, and a man who seems to be the result of botched genetic experiment between a man and a fish. Don’t worry though the dual personality dude has help. From a tiger suffering from severe nervous tension, a man who has had his legs replaced with springs, a red dishcloth and what appears to be Tom Selleck.

9) Robotic Televisions, with a day job working a reporters, help a Professor with a speech impediment battle various evil elements.

10) A mullet headed man, in an obvious sexual relationship with twin sisters, takes great joy in making children sticky, then forcing them to compete against each other driving Go Karts around a track, and then subjecting them to a house that attacks them. (This is not SAW)


See what I mean? The TV of my generation sounds like a very strange thing, so maybe now when I am in my 90’s sitting in my own piss in a nursing home and I hear the 75 year olds telling their grandchildren about how American Teenagers, who looked older than their age, and could afford to live in luxury apartments/loft houses, despite the fact they seemingly had no parents, whilst they only worked in a diner or cinema, I will just sit there with a wry smile and ponder on my own television glory years.

I must go now anyway. I’ve booked a room in Dizzy Heights hotel, because tomorrow I am meeting Alfonso Bonzo for Eggs ‘N’ Baker and then we are going to watch Jossy’s Giants play a match, before meeting Terry Nutkins, who is going to tell us about his sexploits with Michaela Strachan. Apparently they were Really Wild!

@Gazabell

The Answers...

First of all thanks to those of you who read my blog http://gazabell1.blogspot.com/2011/04/think-of-fun-we-had-at-palace-hill.html

These are the answers to the programmes I talked about on there.

If you don't like spoilers read that blog before looking below:-

V

Here we go:-

1) Technologically advanced Anthropomorphic felines, each with artefacts that imbue a special ability upon them, battle a Mummy, and his gang of henchmen, which include anthropomorphic versions of a Toad, Monkey & Jackal. Did I mention you could defeat the powerful enemy by showing him his own reflection?

Was Thundercats - they are on the loose and on the move! I don't know why Mum-Rha was so self-concious about his reflection. A bit of Moisturiser and I'm sure his skin would have cleared up

2) Ring-tailed mammals take part in various environmentally friendly adventures in a forest while thwarting the capitalist overtures of a phallic-nosed Aardvark-like creature

Was The Raccons - with Cyril Sneer who needs some viagra up his nose. Saying that Burt looked like he could do with some too. And do you remember poor old Cecil - he looked like Curly Watts from Corrie!

3) A middle-aged man lives with a bear with learning difficulties, a homosexual hippopotamus, and the mutated offspring of an egg and a pair of corduroy trousers, whilst being regularly interrupted by three swinging singers with a penchant for stripy tops and white trousers.

Was Rainbow of course. No wonder Jeffrey never got married with that menagerie in his house. What the fuck was Zippy supposed to be anyway? And Rod, Jayne & Freddy - definitely members of the Middlesborough Swingers Association!

4) A latex crocodile, ably assisted by a latex rat and latex mouse runs a successful magazine show from the sewers

A harder one to get maybe? It's Round The Bend. If I remember rightly the rat was a Vincent Van Gough rip off, and it had joke cartoons like Wee-Man & The Masters of the U-Bend and the like. Look how fake looking the Puppet, the erstwhile Doc Croc, is!

5) A Lion and his faithful companion, a Lynx, circumnavigate the globe with a deadline.

Another one which stumped some people - It is Around The World In 80 Days with Willy Fog. Personally I think a Lion might have been shot on arrival in most countries, and at the very least would have eaten all of those companions!

6) A middle-aged man, who never the less insists on wearing Bermuda shorts and a novelty spectacles, attacks young children with a foam hammer for their failure to fully grasp the diversity of the English Language, whilst pulling tongues at them and desecrating their faces with plasters scrawled with mild smut.

Was of course Wac-A-Day (Not Timmy Mallet - who is the person not the show as some suggested to me). I'm not accusing Mallet of anything but the way I wrote up the show makes him sound like a nonce! Plus he was always gettin his cock(atoo) out!

7) A small basset hound dog rides a horse around 17th Century France battling ne’er-do-wells with the aid of 3 other dogs, all the time hoping to get off with another dog who works for the Queen.

Was Dogtanian & The Three Muskerhounds - based of course The Three Mustateers. The main thing I remember about this show was that Dogtanian had a really whiny voice and almost every episode suffered some form of nasal injury that made his nose turn red!

8) A Prince with a split personality battles a man who seems to have suffered complete necrosis of the face and his henchmen, some of whom consist of a man with three eyes, a man whose special talent is fisting people (this is actually true), a woman so evil that she uses it as her first name, and a man who seems to be the result of botched genetic experiment between a man and a fish. Don’t worry though the dual personality dude has help. From a tiger suffering from severe nervous tension, a man who has had his legs replaced with springs, a red dishcloth and what appears to be Tom Selleck.

The easiest one I reckon - it was He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Which of course would lead to the excellent cheesefest live version film starring Dolph Lundgeran - which should have spawned a sequel! There really was a character in this cartoon called Fistor - who had metal hands! Dirty perverted bastard!

9) Robotic Televisions, with a day job working a reporters, help a Professor with a speech impediment battle various evil elements.

Probably the most obscure one - it was Telebugs. I loved this show at the time. There was an evil telebug too with a....dum dum duuuuuuummmmm - red face! The characters were voiced by Ron Moody - you know Fagin from Oliver! The Telebugs did not crash half as often as Twitter!

10) A mullet headed man, in an obvious sexual relationship with twin sisters, takes great joy in making children sticky, then forcing them to compete against each other driving Go Karts around a track, and then subjecting them to a house that attacks them. (This is not SAW)

Was Fun House - its lots of fun, prizes to be won, its a real whacky show were anything can go! It also had the two worst co-presenters evers in Melanie & The Other Twin who could barely speak and made Dev from Corrie look like Brando! I secretly wanted to go on this show, but only to drive the Go Karts! Pat Sharp had hair like Worzel Gummidge for the early series - Worzel Gummidge with his twat head on usually!

There you go - if yougot them all well done - Nobody gave me concrete proof that they got them though! I may do another one of these some time :-)