A Jail Of Two Twitties

I thought I would do a bit of a blog about the phenomenon of #Twitterjail. As you may or may not be aware I am a bit of an expert on this cold, dark soulless place – it’s the place where the bad boys & girls of Twitter go – whether they are a serial offender, a Twebel without a cause or just bored stiff and feeling the need to tweet A LOT.

For those of you who do not know what #Twitterjail is then let me explain. For a good reason Twitter has set a limit on how many tweets you can do in an hour and day. The reason is those dreaded Spambots and cockknockers who tweet you all shit about “I saw this bad thing in a blog about you”, or pounce if you mention Star Wars, Gary Glitter or the nameless one – let’s call him – Justine Beaver. Now nobody wants to have to face those terrors, well unless you actually crave company that much that you declare you are a Bel-eaver (see what I did!), who is sitting down watching Star Wars, while listening to Leader Of The Gang and ordering v1@gra off a dodgy site. I can totally see why Twitter does that.

However, their system also stops the chatty Tweeps of Twitter – people like me, who can easily bash their 114 Tweets Per Hour no problems – and as a result I get temporarily suspended from Tweeting for usually an hour, occasionally a lot less and often a lot more. This leaves you with the option of DMing – which people can miss anyway, or the clever option I used – setting up a second account – in my case @gazabelljailed

Firstly let me combat some myths you might have about why you end up in #Twitterjail. People have asked if it’s because I swear so much. The answer is no – there is not someone at Twitter HQ sitting there waiting for me to drop the F-Bomb right in yo’ jive ass faces so they can clamp me in irons and haul my Sweary Ass away. It is not because I mention sex or wanking either, in fact I reckon if there was such as person they would be getting off on such tweets and would be wanking themselves silly- which would make “Stopping The Rapture” a lot easier!

The reason I get sent to #Twitterjail so often is simply because I @reply everyone who tweets me, unless I miss their tweet. If you counted my many tweets you would see that I don’t actually tweet open tweets for everyone all that much – maybe 10 an hour – the bulk of my tweets are because I get into a conversation with someone, usually some smutty banter, ripping someone on the telly or just general chit chat, and I soon find myself racing up to the limit. You still might think that is excessive, but I have over 1600 followers and will reply to anyone who tweets me – even if only 114 of those followers tweet me & I reply to them all in an hour I would be jailed.

Some people suggest that #Twitterjail is fun – I am usually okay in there now. Think of me as Twitter Fletcher – I do my time, keep my nose clean, but still have fun while I am in there. However, for the newbie Twitterjail can be a scary place, which with the shower bummings, cavity search by Johnny Longfingers, Twitter food (Mainly eggs) and that Governor who will only let you out if you….erm how shall I put it?....perform a small service on him (*wipes mouth*). There are some perks though – I mean some say I look sexier with bars across my face, and there is always the blonde guard. There is the banter you get off people as well. If I had a pound for everyone who told me not to drop the soap I would currently have £364. I do like the way that people will offer to help. I like the way that people believe me when I say if the tweet #FreeTheGazabellOne I will get released quicker. I don’t like people saying they will sneak a file into me though – I hate doing admin so do your own paperwork. All in all though Twitterjail is not that fun, and I sometimes have to worry that even @gazabelljailed will get sent to #Twitterjail. I suppose there is always @gazabelljailedjailed if that happens.

So why don’t I give you some facts about #Twitterjail then?

• You will be Twitterjailed if you tweet approx. 114 Tweets in an hour or 1000 in a day
• You can be DM jailed too – I think its 250 per day and DM jail is a longer sentence (24hrs)
• Sentence is usually 1hr in length – it tends to be shorter during the day, and longer between 7pm-2am
• Stay away from Twitter Ives – he is ‘Orrible
• Take some posters of your sexiest followers – I tend to while away the wee hours using a poster of Dame @WinceyWillis1 wearing one of her 80s jumpers whilst pushing a helicopter over a map
• If you are not partial to a spot of bumming use soap on a rope. If you are then shout “Ooops” and bend over often
• Beware of Big Alice – she has a right hook on her!
• If you hear drunken singing don’t worry it is usually @TMCPhotographs – she controls the booze racket on the Women’s Wing
• If you are attempting to escape #Twitterjail then don’t fake a heart attack. ALL of the wardens remember Lizzie from Prisoner Cell Block H and won’t be fooled.
• Lesbians give fantastic hugs
• You can get conjugal visits if you ask the right person so fill your boots
• Don’t get hooked on Twitter Smack – it is lethal!

Those facts should be enough to help you through those early days in Twitterjail anyway, and if you are ever in there pop up and see me – I’m on the top floor near Twitter Grouty. Knock before you enter though – you never know what I am up to ;P

@Gazabell (and often @Gazabelljailed)

Potato! A Peek In Louis Walsh's Closet

It's a bit late really, and I had planned on doing it during X-Factor, but I was being very sociable at the time (i.e. Getting pissed a lot) and never got around to it. So for my pleasure if nobody else's here is a blog on Louis Walsh

Fans of reality TV will probably best know the Leprechaun of Pop as a judge on music reality TV shows, cutting his teeth on Popstars in Ireland, and Popstars:The Rivals before becoming Simon Cowell's prank monkey on X-Factor. Louis is in fact also a manager of Pop Bands, who clients have included Boyzone, Westlife, Girls Aloud and ...grrrrr... Jedward! It is not for his managerial career that I am now going to character assassinate him (though the Jedward thing is an atrocity that should not go unpunished) instead I am going to tear him a new arsehole (which he would like) for his performance on X-Factor!

The last series just highlighted to me what an utter tool the man is. He has got the easiest job going honestly - he must have put some work into licking Mr Cowell's arse because I think anyone could replace Louis on the judging pannel - though to be fair it would take a special kind of fool to be the Louis of the group. I think I could teach any of you to be Louis though - so much so that you can just follow this guide below if you think you can be Louis!....

1. Wit & Humour
You would probably think that to be a judge on X-Factor you need these - not if you are being Louis. Cowell is obviously a witty, funny man and doesn't want that upstaged. Therefore he has beautiful women on the panel who are likeable by most people, but aren't as funny as him. Therefore to be Louis you need to have NO wit or humour. It is okay though because you can still try - Cowell will just talk over you, sweep you away with a swipe at your unconfirmed (LOL!) homosexuality and nobody will laugh with you anyway, just at you. A typical example...

Simon: "I don't know what Louis was thinking giving you 'Making Your Mind Up' to sing"

Louis: "I just picked your favourite song Simon" (cue no laughs)

Simon: "Shut up Louis - it will be YMCA next week with you" (cue laughs)

2. You Handsome Devil
Much like the sense of humour and wit this is not required at all. Flat-top, moob-laden, chisel face Cowell does not want the women looking at someone better looking than him. Cue potato-faced short-arse tub guts Louis to make Cowell look better. The thing is, much like Louis himself, you might resent this and try to make yourself look younger. If you wish to do this you will need to wear jeans with a striped shirt - walking with one hand in a pocket - and spike your grey hair into a ridiculously youthful hairstyle for a nearly 60-year old homosexualite. Better yet you can start dying your hair into a weird array of browny-grey colours ( Try L'Oreal colours Tawny Beaver or Stricken Stoat) to make you look like the ultimate Cunty-Haired Buffoon.

3. Nice Butt
To undertake your new role as the Louis of X-factor there is something else you should expect. You will become the butt of the jokes of the whole team. I'm not even talking about the verbal jibes that will be made against you by your fellow judges. I'm talking about the little things the production team will do to you. For one you will always get the shittest category

Dermot voiceover: "This year the production team decided to shake things up with the categories. They are now. 'Girls under 60', 'Boys Under 60', 'Groups' and 'Mentalists & People with Tourettes"

Louis: "I hope I get da boys"

Production Team: "Louis, you've got.....[pause for dramatic effect]........ 'Mentalists & People With Tourettes"

Louis: "I truly tink I got da best category"


That's not where it ends though. You will also be screwed over at Judges Houses stage. The production team will arrange for Simon to take his category to "his" house in LA, Danni will take her category to "her" villa in tenerife, , Cheryl will take her category to "her" Luxuary Apartment in Monte Carlo...where do you get? You get to take them to "your" bungalow in your own home town! Yet you will take all of this because you are fame hungry and love being seen on TV, even though the British public is really quite indifferent to you.

4. Britain's Got Talent
Ok you have put up with some shit to get this job, but you don't mind because it's all about the fame for you. Now you think you need to do all the hard work - don't sweat on it. Just put through everyone from your own country and anyone who you fancy. It is that easy - it's not about the talent really, just the story of the contestants.

5. It's Just a Phrase You Are Going Through
You might think that you need to be prepared to give feedback to the contestants on the show that is original and witty, but to be honest Louis has been able to get through 7 series by using and reusing the same phrases again and again. You might struggle here so what I have done is gave you Louis' phrase and translated it for you just in case you want to use them.

"You're tru"

- You have progressed to the next stage

"I want all of Ireland/Scotland/Wales/Liverpool/Manchester to vote for you"

- you have got no chance of winning

"It was fun & entertaining"

- It was shite but I have been lumbered with the worst category again

"You remind me of a young [Insert name of singer of same ethnic background] "

- I'm going to compare you to someone based on your skin colour rather than sound of your voice

"But Simon, da young people will love dem"

- these are annoying twats but I want to bum them.

"I hope you go all da way"

- I want to bum you

"I've championed ye from the start"

- I want to bum you

"Da girls love ye"

- I want to bum you

"I see you with a big future in the record industry"

- I want to bum you

"I want ye to make da final and want people to vote for ye"

- I want to bum you

"But Simon he is only 16 years old"

- I want to bum him

"Der's something missing for me"

- You are female

"You are tru to Week x/Quater-Final/Semi-Final/Final"

- I've used up all of my phrases tonight

And that is it. That is how you too could be Louis Walsh - its an easy job, but helps if you are a cunty-haired buffon. Are you the right person to be the new Louis?

Enjoy The Big Balls

Hello Dear Tweepies

Seen as though I quite enjoyed doing my last blog post about Westlife, I thought I'd dig out another one of my old blogs from a few years ago, give it a dust up and present it to a new generation. This one is about etiquette, because as you can no doubt tell from my tweets I am the height of decorum and the best possible person to advise you on how to act in polite society.

As you are no doubt aware in any social calender, you will find that Christmas is the time for numerous Balls. You might be daunted by such occasions, but with my help and by following the 8 simple steps below you will find that you can mingle with High Society without embarrassment. Who knows, you may even be invited to Prince William & Kate Middleton's Wedding.

The 7 Virtues Of Correct Usage Of The English Language
(A.K.A What Not To Swear)


1. Greetings (aka the Sir Joseph Boswell Technique)
The correct way to greet your fellow party patrons is to use the much maligned "Hello". Do remember that as a member of the elite you should pronounce this thusly "Hail Ear" practice this out loud so that it become second nature. One should not under any circumstances say "Hi" "Wotcha" or "Fucking hell it's hot in here, the sweat is pissing out of me!"

2. Affirmation (aka The Lady Katherine Price "Just Cannot Say No" Technique)
One may find oneself in conversation with a fellow patron, and find oneself, for example, in a discussion about the problems with your servants, and how best to handle your staff. Quite often a patron will have a viable solution which you agree with. The correct way to agree with a question of course is to use the word "Yes" (pronounce "Ears"). One should not say "Too Fucking Right" or "Yeah, I know"

3. Negatory (aka the Doctor No Technique)
On occasion one might find oneself in the unfortunate position of having to disagree with ones fellow patron. For example, Lady Lorraine Kelly may say in polite conversation to Countess Fiona Phillips "One has found that one has reached one limits with cucumber now don't you think?" the Countess however has developed other uses for said legume and would like to reply in a negative manner. Of course the Countess should say "No" (Pronounce this as "Near") not "Bollocks" or "No Fucking Way"

4. Refreshments (aka The Sir George Best Technique)
Of course Social Balls are always filled with alcohol, which is perfectly acceptable. For preference Ladies should drink Champagne or good Cabernet Sauvignon (a '79 for preference) and Gentlemen should drink a good Cognac or Port. One should not say "Mine's a pint" or "Shall we have shooters" but should opt for more decorum and say "Ears Lady Beckham I would like to partake in a petite glarss of Chateau Distel"

5. Powdering One's Nose (aka The Lady Kathrine Moss Technique)
With the refreshments flowing at some point one would undoubtedly need to use the facilities of the establishment. This is a tricky situation, which will require your tact and social graces. You should politely excuse yourself with a polite euphemism, such as "Excusez-Moi, but I must have a word with Mr Armitage Shanks" or "I must freshen up". Under no circumstances say "I need to shake my lettuce" or "Frigging hell the turtles head is poking out"

6. The Excuse Me (aka The Sir John Travolta Technique)
During one of these Balls there will no doubt be a musical interlude which will require you to partake in some dancing. This is all well and good, but under no circumstances should a lady approach a gentleman. Ladies should stand to one side of the room, and coquettishly fan themselves or mingle in small groups. At this point the Gentleman should should approach a suitable lady and say "Excuse me my lady, but would you do me the very great honour of accompanying me for this dance?". Do not under any circumstances say "Grab your coat love, you've pulled" or "I fucking love this song, dance you miserable bastard".

7. The Art Of Mingling (aka The Mr The Merciless Technique)
One should use the occasion to make social connections to the right persons in attendance. By mingling with your fellow patrons you will soon receive invitations to a variety of Garden Parties, Candlelit Suppers and Bar Mitzvah's, and therefore increase your social standings. You should approach fellow patrons give a brief introduction and then discuss relevant topics such as "All of these Johnny Foreigners are taking our jobs" and "You just can't get the staff today". Do not say "Alright fat arse, how's it going" or "Huh huh huh, David Walliams took me up the wrong'un last night"


Wear For Art Thou
(aka "Suits You Sir!")

Of course one knows that one's appearance is the only way to guarantee one's future invitation to prestigious events. Luckily things are quite simple this season. Gentlemen should of course wear Top Hat, Tails & Full Three Piece Suit. Monocles are optional. Some Middle Class People have taken to smoking Cuban Cigars, but a REAL Gentleman should only attempt to smoke a Pipe. Ladies should wear full Ball Gown, Fur Stole, Head Gear and of course a fan. Parasols are acceptable if the weather is inclement. Ladies should not smoke if possible, but if they do it should be black cigarettes from a Cigarette Holder. One should not Roll Their Own or smoke Marijuana.

And there we have it. These simple lessons should allow you to enjoy your night and keep you safe in the knowledge that you have held yourself in complete decorum. Enjoy the Ball.