Behind The Bars: The Gazabelljailed Story

Hello All

It's been a week since his last one but the talents of @mrtomsimpson are never ending it seems. He has only done another edition of Toms News, this one is about my alter ego - the erstwhile @gazabelljailed - read on as you hear the truth about what lies beneath the bars

@gazabell

TOMS NEWS October 2011

@Gazabelljailed - THE TRUTH

During moments of high frequency tweeting all of gazabells loyal, beautiful, sexy followers will be aware that he disappears from out timelines, to be replaced by gazabelljailed. Some people think this is just gaz himself, tweeting from a different account as he’s been thrown into twitter jail. Dearest readers I have uncovered the truth and it’s a lot more darker than a photo shopped black and white profile picture covered in bars…

The fact is gazabelljailed is gazabells evil twin, sentenced to life imprisonment many years ago for drunkenness, bad innuendo, cursing of the worst kind against celebrities, incorrect spelling, excess masturbation and smutty sleaziness towards his impressionable followers. When gazabelljailed appears on twitter, he has broken free from prison, knocked out our own dear gaz and set about ruining his untainted, angelic reputation. For example Gaz would never make references to male genitals, fellatio or mindless drinking.

Dressed in my smartest suit I made a visit to the high security institution gazabelljailed is currently incarcerated in. Following several, rigorous thorough searches and security checks I was allowed in. I walked along the eerie corridor, lined floor to ceiling with metal bars to the clear glass cell at the end. My first glimpse of gazabelljailed was just what I expected: prison pallor, dressed in regulation dungarees from Grundy Televisions 1980s smash hit Prisoner, hands cuffed behind his back with a look of seething frustration and anger on his face. I could only compare the look he gave me as that what Hannibal Lecter gives to Clarice Starling in the 1991 film Silence of the Lambs. Yet although the grim appearance he welcomed me with a cheerful “good morning, you’s alright” and the offer of a diet Pepsi. His cell was lined with row upon row of well used tablets of soap, boxes of Kleenex for men and a variety of unlabeled DVD’s, it was remarkably tidy although I did notice his waste bin was full to the brim with empty bags of Doritos, water bottles, timeout wrappers and used stiff tissues.

I questioned him extensively, probing deeply as to why he makes these unwanted visits onto our timelines (generally 8-10pm but occasionally morning too) and his response was he thinks his twin chatters far too much to far too many nice people and he wants in on the action. He is sick of feeling left out of the cool gang and playing second fiddle to everyone’s favourite. I also managed to ascertain how he escapes the guards and confines of prison, but this being a family newspaper it would be unacceptable to print.

I gained the following information though, once he has escaped he tracks down gazabell, knocks him out with chloroform and then opens his @gazabelljailed account. He then makes attempts at pretending to be his brother, locked out by twitter wanting help and assistance from the hell hole that is twitter jail. He then gets inundated with kindness and sympathy and offers of help from all the sexy followers and he laps then up like a cat with a saucer of jersey cream.

Gazabelljailed was leering at me throughout the interview and made lots of smutty remarks. I was warned beforehand of course, but it all got a little too much for me so I left him in the company of the guards and headed back to the main entrance. The guards on duty explained to me about these escapes gazabelljailed makes, they couldn’t tell me how he does it but did say he is always caught within 2 hours, they return him to his cell and attend to the real gazabell, bring him back to consciousness and establish him back on twitter, he is generally unaware anything has happened, he just thinks he dozed off. The guards were anxious to let all followers know not to fall for the pleas for cakes with nail files, dynamite, help with tunnel building etc. It’s all just an act to make you believe you are talking to the real gazabell, its best to just chat to him as normal until the help arrives and he goes silent again. As I left the institution I could hear the faint sounds of someone singing “on the inside”, water running and bars of soap being dropped.

So readers you now know the truth about gazabelljailed, he cannot be trusted, who wants a dangerous predator on the loose in one of the UK’s major cities. What we want is him safely contained and his account removed so we can all enjoy multitalented gazabell witty, slightly dirty, flirty tweets in peace.

“what do we want?”

“GAZABELL”

When do we want it?”

“ALL THE TIME WITHOUT INTERRUPTION FROM GAZABELLJAILED!”

So twitter get your act together, give Gaz 24 hour protection from his evil twin and allow us all to have conversations with him without the worry of evil gazabell jailed getting jealous and escaping.

© T Simpson Productions MMXI All character and events in this story are entirely fictitious, any similarity to real events and people is entirely planned.

A Jail Of Two Twitties

I thought I would do a bit of a blog about the phenomenon of #Twitterjail. As you may or may not be aware I am a bit of an expert on this cold, dark soulless place – it’s the place where the bad boys & girls of Twitter go – whether they are a serial offender, a Twebel without a cause or just bored stiff and feeling the need to tweet A LOT.

For those of you who do not know what #Twitterjail is then let me explain. For a good reason Twitter has set a limit on how many tweets you can do in an hour and day. The reason is those dreaded Spambots and cockknockers who tweet you all shit about “I saw this bad thing in a blog about you”, or pounce if you mention Star Wars, Gary Glitter or the nameless one – let’s call him – Justine Beaver. Now nobody wants to have to face those terrors, well unless you actually crave company that much that you declare you are a Bel-eaver (see what I did!), who is sitting down watching Star Wars, while listening to Leader Of The Gang and ordering v1@gra off a dodgy site. I can totally see why Twitter does that.

However, their system also stops the chatty Tweeps of Twitter – people like me, who can easily bash their 114 Tweets Per Hour no problems – and as a result I get temporarily suspended from Tweeting for usually an hour, occasionally a lot less and often a lot more. This leaves you with the option of DMing – which people can miss anyway, or the clever option I used – setting up a second account – in my case @gazabelljailed

Firstly let me combat some myths you might have about why you end up in #Twitterjail. People have asked if it’s because I swear so much. The answer is no – there is not someone at Twitter HQ sitting there waiting for me to drop the F-Bomb right in yo’ jive ass faces so they can clamp me in irons and haul my Sweary Ass away. It is not because I mention sex or wanking either, in fact I reckon if there was such as person they would be getting off on such tweets and would be wanking themselves silly- which would make “Stopping The Rapture” a lot easier!

The reason I get sent to #Twitterjail so often is simply because I @reply everyone who tweets me, unless I miss their tweet. If you counted my many tweets you would see that I don’t actually tweet open tweets for everyone all that much – maybe 10 an hour – the bulk of my tweets are because I get into a conversation with someone, usually some smutty banter, ripping someone on the telly or just general chit chat, and I soon find myself racing up to the limit. You still might think that is excessive, but I have over 1600 followers and will reply to anyone who tweets me – even if only 114 of those followers tweet me & I reply to them all in an hour I would be jailed.

Some people suggest that #Twitterjail is fun – I am usually okay in there now. Think of me as Twitter Fletcher – I do my time, keep my nose clean, but still have fun while I am in there. However, for the newbie Twitterjail can be a scary place, which with the shower bummings, cavity search by Johnny Longfingers, Twitter food (Mainly eggs) and that Governor who will only let you out if you….erm how shall I put it?....perform a small service on him (*wipes mouth*). There are some perks though – I mean some say I look sexier with bars across my face, and there is always the blonde guard. There is the banter you get off people as well. If I had a pound for everyone who told me not to drop the soap I would currently have £364. I do like the way that people will offer to help. I like the way that people believe me when I say if the tweet #FreeTheGazabellOne I will get released quicker. I don’t like people saying they will sneak a file into me though – I hate doing admin so do your own paperwork. All in all though Twitterjail is not that fun, and I sometimes have to worry that even @gazabelljailed will get sent to #Twitterjail. I suppose there is always @gazabelljailedjailed if that happens.

So why don’t I give you some facts about #Twitterjail then?

• You will be Twitterjailed if you tweet approx. 114 Tweets in an hour or 1000 in a day
• You can be DM jailed too – I think its 250 per day and DM jail is a longer sentence (24hrs)
• Sentence is usually 1hr in length – it tends to be shorter during the day, and longer between 7pm-2am
• Stay away from Twitter Ives – he is ‘Orrible
• Take some posters of your sexiest followers – I tend to while away the wee hours using a poster of Dame @WinceyWillis1 wearing one of her 80s jumpers whilst pushing a helicopter over a map
• If you are not partial to a spot of bumming use soap on a rope. If you are then shout “Ooops” and bend over often
• Beware of Big Alice – she has a right hook on her!
• If you hear drunken singing don’t worry it is usually @TMCPhotographs – she controls the booze racket on the Women’s Wing
• If you are attempting to escape #Twitterjail then don’t fake a heart attack. ALL of the wardens remember Lizzie from Prisoner Cell Block H and won’t be fooled.
• Lesbians give fantastic hugs
• You can get conjugal visits if you ask the right person so fill your boots
• Don’t get hooked on Twitter Smack – it is lethal!

Those facts should be enough to help you through those early days in Twitterjail anyway, and if you are ever in there pop up and see me – I’m on the top floor near Twitter Grouty. Knock before you enter though – you never know what I am up to ;P

@Gazabell (and often @Gazabelljailed)

There Is Nothing Like A Dame

Take yourself back to the Eighties – not literally, unless you are The Doctor or Dr Sam Beckett you may find this impossible – I mean in your mind (Yep – sorry youngsters this blog might be a bit before your time – don’t worry I will get around to doing a Power Rangers one at some point that you can enjoy :D). Have you done it? Cast yourself back. Look around you and what do you see? Perms & Mullets abound, Shoulder Pads are huge, there is a woman(ish) in charge of the country, and a rat is the biggest ratings winner on TV.

But who is interested in Roland Rat on telly when you look at the same programme he is on and she her….Blonde Mulleted, wearing some of the snazziest jumper combos seen in the eighties, and giggling like a loon. It can only be one person….Wincey Willis! So famous she goes to An Audience With… recordings, and has been name checked by Victoria Wood, and she bestrides our screen like a juggernaut of lovlieness.

Fast forward more years than you could imagine and now she bestrides a different arena – the online sexiverse that is Twitter, and that’s what I am going to blog about. You might think about her for different reasons – for being a journalist, author, editor, conservationist, radio presenter, or even for helping buffoons guide Aneka Rice around a town in a helicopter, but for me Wincey Willis is now always going to be about Twitter.

As you may have read in some of her previous blogs Dame Wincey joined Twitter purely because somebody was pretending to be her, but in my opinion, that person has done us all a massive favour. I, like some people, was a bit sceptical when I saw her tweeting, and thought it was another one of these sad acts who pretends to be someone they aren’t because they are too scared that people won’t find them funny in their real life persona. Then that awkward moment came when she tweeted me after one of my piss take comments no doubt. Being that I am a bloody lovely person (hell yeah you know it! Lol) I replied and thought nothing of it, then I got another tweet – telling me off for spelling Wincey wrong – then more tweets followed, a bit of banter and then oh no she followed me. I don’t normally follow “fake” celebs unless they are funny, but I was unsure whether @WinceyWillis1 was real or not, so I had a closer look at her profile and tweets. If she was fake then her tweets were pretty convincing so I gave her the benefit of doubt. I don’t know why I was so worried. We tweeted each other more over the next couple of days and it soon became apparent that she was the real deal. What’s more it soon became apparent that I found her engaging, funny, sweet and just the little bit smutty – just what I want in a follower!

I soon became the unofficial official Twitter guide for Dame Wincey – after bamboozling her with the terms we use on Twitter. A few times I would get a tweet saying “what is ROFL?” Knowing me I probably made up some bullishit like “Rolf Orgasms For Llamas”. On another occasion I had to explain what #Twitterjail was – after I think she thought I was really a prisoner somewhere.

This probably made me like Dame Wincey even more – how many celebrities do you know that would try to organise a Jail Break gang for you, complete with dynamite, tunnels, seduction and smuggling?

More banter has followed over the past year or so we have followed each other – from the formation of our double act WinceyBell (due to play the 02 arena in 2012), to Star Wars Tennis, to blog wars, to the near elimination of my use of the c-word on Twitter and now we have agreed to have a tweet up over the summer. How lucky is she getting to meet me!

Anyway, if you follow @WinceyWillis1 (oooo I’ve plugged you now Dame Wincey – was it good for you?) then you will see that she is the best celebrity on Twitter. She is down to earth, tweets funny things, replies when she can, promotes Merlot so much that I am sure she is getting freebies, and never ever tries to do a weather report. Saying that she tries to stop me from swearing sometimes (to some but not a lot of effect) and she has a tendency to blame cows for all the poo in her garden (there are no cows nearby – say no more!) so she has her bad points too!

So why is she Dame Wincey? Well for her services to Tweeting of course and because she is a great person to follow. I am allowed to bestow Damehoods, because I am the King Of Twitter according to her (I don’t like to correct her but I am actually the Emperor Of Twitter!) and I think it is a well deserved one.

So basically this blog is a bit of a salute to the living legend that is Dame Wincey Willis – I’m proud to call her a follower, tweep, Dame and friend. If you aren’t following you are missing out and if you are following her (she has long overtook me now!) then you already knew all of this I have written about and you have wasted 5 minutes of your life you fool!

Keep tweeting Dame Wincey

Lots of Love
@Gazabell

Tales Of An Habitual Twitter Criminal

8pm - So right - it's happened again. I've been sent down for crimes against Twitter. My crime? Exceeding the hourly tweet rate - erm, am I wrong is Twitter not all about tweeting people? I thought that was what it was invented for? Still I must serve my hour's punishment I suppose.

Well it doesn't matter because I'm an old hand when it comes to Twitterjail now! This prison can't hold me long, but I'm not gonna break out this time. I'll show you around the joint. You can be Godber to my Fletch. Things should be good this time I've managed to secreet a stash of Twittersnout in a secret place and should get through as long as I don't get that screw with the very long fingers - I swear he touched my tonsils with them last time, and he didn't put them in my mouth!

8:05pm - I've had my strip search now and managed to sneak my Twittersnout in - that should be enough for me to have an easy time in here - just gotta get well in with the Grouty of Twitterjail @jakecanuso and I should be okay!

8:10pm - Oh shit - that old scrote 'Orrible Twitter Ives is here again. If you take my advice you will stay away from him. He's nothing but trouble the shifty bastard!

8:12pm - I've just heard that @missswearsalot has been taken into the women's wing! She is causing a right commotion. It seems that some Twitterlesbians tried it on with her and she was having no shit from them. She's a good person to have on your side in Twitterjail. Can get anything into the prison. God knows how she does it!

8:15pm - oh look who they have brought in - its @lukethornhill - what's the bets old Butterfingers will head straight for the Twittershowers. He just can't help himself

8:18pm - what do you think of the cell? It's all so familiar - they only let me bring 2 posters in this time, so I've opted for my @nicola__thomas one and my @elphabob one - they should improve the view in here, and I've got my book of @williamstafford funnies so that's a good read to pass the time.

8:25pm - Bit of commotion -I've heard a rumour that a few of the Twitterlags are thinking of holding the Failwhale hostage when he comes in to see the Twitterjail Governor @Stephenfry! That could cause trouble for the lot of us - don't get involved.

8:34pm - Finally managed to get my phone call - gonna use it to call @Lightbringer87 - he's a popular guy and can get the message out to the #freethegazabellone crew!

8:38pm - Just received a DM telling me that the #freethegazabellone crew have mobilised. @Lesterbuddy @ jasperbunny @_chris23 and @TMCphotographs have petitioned the governor to give me a reprieve it might work. Meanwhile @ MistiCBR has dug out some #freethegazabellone t-shirts to giveout.

8:42pm - There's that @lukethornhill on the way back from the showers with a smile on his face. He love's it!

8:48pm - Disaster, so close to my release time and @5_15 is trying to break into Twitterjail to free me. Hold on my Scottish friend I will be out soon! patience is the name of the game!

8:51pm - I received a cake from @Boddingtons - it's got a file in it. I'm not doing her admin for her while I'm here, she can do it herself!

8:58pm - They are getting ready to ship me out - apparently @AaaronOnYourFace is getting my cell next - he's another serial offender! Just in time too, because @paulinecjones is supposed to be coming in to talk to us about our prospects!

8:59pm - They are giving me my things back because I'm due to be released. It's nice to get the red stripeys back. I missed them.

9pm - Freeeeeeeedom! Ahhhh and look who is here to meet me - It's @xClairetweets_ - it must be our #hotelinspector date night.


Well tweeps now you have had a look at life on the inside of Twitterjail I hope it encourages you to never end up here! On the other hand if you are like me I'll see here again in an hour.

Just remember that when I disappear if you tweet #freethegazabellone I get released quicker (not true in the slightest but you never know!)

Until we meet again! xx