Twank You

Now first of all don’t get too excited about the title of this blog. For once it is not about “Stopping the Rapture” as you might expect. It is actually me saying Thank You in Twitter-speak. You must have noticed that you can make a Twitter word by just replacing the first one or two letters of a word with the letters TW (I’m still not sure what you call a member of Twitter you consider a Tw*t though). I will admit that I may be wrong with using this phrase to thank somebody though, so if I was you I would be a bit wary about Twanking somebody, or offering your sincerest Twanks, or they may be expecting something you are not prepared to offer!

So why indeed am I “Twanking” you (& yes I am offering you) in this blog you may be asking yourself (well if you are reading it, otherwise I doubt the thought has crossed your mind) the answer is because today it is 3 years since I joined the phenomenon that is Twitter. I have explained many times why I joined and what you can expect if you join (just click on the Twitter tag at the bottom to read these) but today I want to say a huge big

THANK YOU

To each and every one of the people who followed me and who I have followed, to the Followers, Friends, Pretend Personalities, Spammers, Fakers, Unfollowers, Blockers and everyone in between, it has been a pleasure interacting with you because you have kept me very entertained over the past Three years

You have made me laugh, you have made me cry, you have lifted me out of down moods, you have turned me on, turned me off, you have annoyed me, you have upset me, you have given me even more confidence, you have made me dream about you, you have made me be funny, and best of all you have made me Happy.

This sounds a bit like I am leaving Twitter, but there is no chance of that happening as far as I can see. I enjoy our interactions too much. Where else can you talk about wanking with such reckless abandon? Where else can you tell people you paint cats blue? Where else can you drunkenly try to talk to people about your night out? Where else can you invent new games like the Piss Olympics and tell people about how you are going to shove an onion up your bosses arse? – you don’t have to answer these questions they are merely rhetorical!

I should point out that I do actually have a great “real” life too, and my number of tweets is more to do with the fact that I enjoy your company than the fact that I sit in a room all day either tweeting or wanking!

Saying that I hope that over the past few of years I have done what I intended to do on Twitter. To make you laugh & keep you entertained, to be somebody you feel you can chat to whether you were feeling up, down (or even bent over ;-D), and to be somebody who will reply to anybody. I might not be to the taste of everybody but who is? Without sounding like a big head I think I am a pretty decent, genuine person and I hope that comes across on Twitter.

So whether we speak often or have never tweeted each other before feel free to tweet me anytime. I always try to reply, although given the number of people I follow I do sometimes miss tweets or am slow replying, so never think I am being ignorant. Most of all never take me too seriously because I am mainly about having a laugh and a bit of banter.

And now as I look back on almost 115,000 tweets over three years (though technically more like 2 & a half years) I hope I will be still going strong in on 6th July 2014 on my 5th Anniversary and I hope that you will still be along for the ride.

Lots of love, hugs, kisses from a really big Twanker
@Gazabell

There Is Nothing Like A Dame

Take yourself back to the Eighties – not literally, unless you are The Doctor or Dr Sam Beckett you may find this impossible – I mean in your mind (Yep – sorry youngsters this blog might be a bit before your time – don’t worry I will get around to doing a Power Rangers one at some point that you can enjoy :D). Have you done it? Cast yourself back. Look around you and what do you see? Perms & Mullets abound, Shoulder Pads are huge, there is a woman(ish) in charge of the country, and a rat is the biggest ratings winner on TV.

But who is interested in Roland Rat on telly when you look at the same programme he is on and she her….Blonde Mulleted, wearing some of the snazziest jumper combos seen in the eighties, and giggling like a loon. It can only be one person….Wincey Willis! So famous she goes to An Audience With… recordings, and has been name checked by Victoria Wood, and she bestrides our screen like a juggernaut of lovlieness.

Fast forward more years than you could imagine and now she bestrides a different arena – the online sexiverse that is Twitter, and that’s what I am going to blog about. You might think about her for different reasons – for being a journalist, author, editor, conservationist, radio presenter, or even for helping buffoons guide Aneka Rice around a town in a helicopter, but for me Wincey Willis is now always going to be about Twitter.

As you may have read in some of her previous blogs Dame Wincey joined Twitter purely because somebody was pretending to be her, but in my opinion, that person has done us all a massive favour. I, like some people, was a bit sceptical when I saw her tweeting, and thought it was another one of these sad acts who pretends to be someone they aren’t because they are too scared that people won’t find them funny in their real life persona. Then that awkward moment came when she tweeted me after one of my piss take comments no doubt. Being that I am a bloody lovely person (hell yeah you know it! Lol) I replied and thought nothing of it, then I got another tweet – telling me off for spelling Wincey wrong – then more tweets followed, a bit of banter and then oh no she followed me. I don’t normally follow “fake” celebs unless they are funny, but I was unsure whether @WinceyWillis1 was real or not, so I had a closer look at her profile and tweets. If she was fake then her tweets were pretty convincing so I gave her the benefit of doubt. I don’t know why I was so worried. We tweeted each other more over the next couple of days and it soon became apparent that she was the real deal. What’s more it soon became apparent that I found her engaging, funny, sweet and just the little bit smutty – just what I want in a follower!

I soon became the unofficial official Twitter guide for Dame Wincey – after bamboozling her with the terms we use on Twitter. A few times I would get a tweet saying “what is ROFL?” Knowing me I probably made up some bullishit like “Rolf Orgasms For Llamas”. On another occasion I had to explain what #Twitterjail was – after I think she thought I was really a prisoner somewhere.

This probably made me like Dame Wincey even more – how many celebrities do you know that would try to organise a Jail Break gang for you, complete with dynamite, tunnels, seduction and smuggling?

More banter has followed over the past year or so we have followed each other – from the formation of our double act WinceyBell (due to play the 02 arena in 2012), to Star Wars Tennis, to blog wars, to the near elimination of my use of the c-word on Twitter and now we have agreed to have a tweet up over the summer. How lucky is she getting to meet me!

Anyway, if you follow @WinceyWillis1 (oooo I’ve plugged you now Dame Wincey – was it good for you?) then you will see that she is the best celebrity on Twitter. She is down to earth, tweets funny things, replies when she can, promotes Merlot so much that I am sure she is getting freebies, and never ever tries to do a weather report. Saying that she tries to stop me from swearing sometimes (to some but not a lot of effect) and she has a tendency to blame cows for all the poo in her garden (there are no cows nearby – say no more!) so she has her bad points too!

So why is she Dame Wincey? Well for her services to Tweeting of course and because she is a great person to follow. I am allowed to bestow Damehoods, because I am the King Of Twitter according to her (I don’t like to correct her but I am actually the Emperor Of Twitter!) and I think it is a well deserved one.

So basically this blog is a bit of a salute to the living legend that is Dame Wincey Willis – I’m proud to call her a follower, tweep, Dame and friend. If you aren’t following you are missing out and if you are following her (she has long overtook me now!) then you already knew all of this I have written about and you have wasted 5 minutes of your life you fool!

Keep tweeting Dame Wincey

Lots of Love
@Gazabell

Britain's Got (Fixed) Talent

You might have seen THIS LINK on Twitter today about Ronan Parkes being a fix winner of this year’s Britain’s Got Talent, but I am here to tell you that things are not quite as they seem. You see you may not know this but I work for SYCO which makes Britain’s Got Talent and I have the REAL inside story on what is happening. You see I am Simon Cowell’s hairdresser – I maintain his fine locks by quickly setting his hair on fire and then putting it back out with a wet Tea Towel before any major damage is done – thus giving him his stubby burnt paintbrush look.

Anyways back to the real story. Ronan Parkes is just a decoy so that people think he is an obvious winner. The truth is that Cowell has somebody much more talented in mind for the coveted winners spot. That person is of course Jean Martyn






The production team first came across Jean in 2008 when she was a small black man called Trevor. Trevor was at the birthday party of Timmy Mallet, and had a novelty act of some repute. The producers were so impressed that they signed him up to a lifetime contract with SYCO right away and invited Trevor to come to the 2009 auditions, when, unlike other contestants, they got Louis Walsh to pay him on the bus.

The time came for Trevor to perform his act as a Chinchilla juggling rapper. However, he was very nervous and accidently stood on one of the chinchillas before the audition, so Cowell, seeing the potential, took Trevor backstage and allowed him to perform privately in his dressing room, with his mother there to support him. Cowell could see the potential but thought that chinchilla juggling rappers were ten a penny and wanted something different for what he saw as a potential future megastar who could break the notoriously difficult over 50’s market.

He immediately set a team to work to change Trevor into the star he knew he could be. Unbeknownst to even his own mother, the team changed Trevor into a white middle aged woman called Jean Martyn. As 2010 rolled along they encouraged Jean to work on a new act that would wow the audience and so in Cardiff in 2010 the Judges and audience were to see the new Jean for the first time. Jean was incredibly nervous doing her new act, which was Pole Dancing whilst singing Yellow Submarine, and as a result she performed her fanny whirler finale too early causing the pole to buckle and send her crashing to the floor.

This was a disaster so Cowell once again stepped in. The audition was wiped from the records and he sent a new team in to work with Jean before the menopause hit, which would put her career on hold. He told the team that they had to have Jean ready for 2011 or else! A team of piano teachers, elocution teachers, and sparkly jacket makers were set to work to make Jean ready for 2011.

Then, the most disgusting part for me, somebody in a production meeting suggested that rather than hide Jean’s naturally bubbly personality they should highlight the more “mental” aspects of it. After all there had never been a mental middle-aged woman on TV before and the company could make millions from it! Jean was restyled completely from top to bottom. She was encouraged to giggle like a donkey given ecstasy. She was told to wear sparkly Joan Collins style jackets, wink indiscriminately and give the occasional thumbs up to anyone in her eyeline.

She was prepared and at the 2011 auditions Jean was unveiled, as the Les Dawson stylee, piano bashing gurning simpleton that Cowell knew the British public would fall in love with. The judges were ordered to give a standing ovation, and David Hasslehoff was even ordered to have his penis poking out of his zip in a “love salute” to Jean!

Then the SYCO publicity machine went into overdrive and immediately a Facebook fanpage, and even an Xtube page was set up for Jean, all managed directly by SYCO in case Jean put anything they didn’t want on the page. This was not done for any other act apart from Ronan Parkes (The decoy). Again Jean was given special treatment; she was given a £20 Argos gift voucher and a 20% discount card at Spud-U-Like. This is terrible as at some point Jean will have to pay all this back out her winnings. She doesn’t know as she sits there every day gorging herself on Tuna & Sweetcorn Jacket potato at reduced price that she is getting herself deeper and deeper into debt with SYCO!

And this Saturday when the final happens and Jean inevitably wins it she doesn’t realise what the future will hold. She will be expected to perform at Bingo Halls up and down the country, and if she is tired it won’t matter. Some lowlife will be there to pop another Sanatogen in her Ovaltine and let her freebase some cod liver oil to inject between her toes.

It is a slippery slope and all because she wanted to appear on TV. Once she hits that menopause in a couple of years time she will be discarded and left to fend for herself. Will she make a comeback? Probably not, though maybe she can appear on Celebrity Coach Trip. Who knows?

Thank you for letting me get this message out there. It needed to be done!

Not so Anon
SYCO

Taking Matters In Hand...

History is replete with the good fighting the evil. The Allies fought The Nazis, Scooby-Doo fought creepy old fairground based perverts & thieves, and Azerbaijan pop group Eldar & Nigar defeated the anaemic spawn of the devil himself Twit & Twat (aka Jedward). But sometimes the good aren't available and it is left to The Cheeky to step up to the plate to do their best. This week The Cheeky did just that.

You see some old American dude decided that it was the end of days - The Rapture - where the good float up to the sky and the rest are left below until the end of the world. I don't know about you lot but I think it's a bit soon for The Rapture - I mean we've only had one series of Mrs Brown's Boys, we don't know if Scotland will ever get past the first round of a World Cup, and we are still waiting for another summer like the one we had when we were kids - there is so much still left to do!

Therefore I decided to take it upon myself to stop The Rapture - hey if one old man could start it then surely a young(ish) man like me could stop it. The main problem was that he lived on a different continent to me, and I only know his name, not his address or anything, and what could I do? I could hardly go around punching old people - If I could do that Tesco would be deserted at lunch times!

I had to think of another plan of action. Something that I knew I was good at, that other people could get involved in, that I could do better than any old man......it hit me in a flash...something I am brilliant at and have had lots of practice in....the answer my friends was WANKING! Good old fashioned masturbation could save the day! And I was an expert at that lovely act of self-gratification - even other people recognise that as I often hear them saying "oh no here's that wanker again" when I walk towards them.

I weighed up the odds of it - it was a risk I know - if enough people got involved a mass orgasm could actually cause the earthquakes that old Harry do-dah was predicting, meaning that one of my main pleasures in life would be the instrument of our doom! It was a chance worth taking, I mean at least if I failed I would be going out with a smile on my face. And if I did it long enough I would end up welded to the bedsheets so although I couldn't rise to Heaven I also couldn't fall to hell. I'd be permanently stuck to my bed for all eternity - something I actually crave on a Monday morning!

I decided that it was our best bet of success and so I turned to my lovely, sexy, brilliant Twitter followers and told them the plan to #BeatTheRaptureByWanking - Beating by Beating if you like! Do you know what? They jumped at the chance to join in! Another person would say that they just needed any excuse for a wank but not me. I knew they were brave soldiers ready to fight the forces of Rapture with every beat of their.....heart!

And so we started! I got my usual supply of "inSPURTational" material - my @WinceyWillis1 calender 1985, my picture of @MuppetFitz on a bed of roses, and the sex tape of Wagner and Mary Byrne - and teeth gritted I got to work. Hour after hour went by as I cavorted with Madame Palm and her 5 lovely daughters, literally willing away The Rapture with every gird of my loins (I just wanted to use that phrase! lol). The morning passed into afternoon while I slowly started to look like a trapped Chilean miner, eyes almost clenched shut. My face a bright red beachball of heavy breathing and the occasional groan. I could feel the power of the Wank driving that rapture away as more and more Tweeps got involved.

That simple gift of Onanism actually stopped The Rapture. I realised later on, with my Popeye sized arm in a bowl of ice, that the phrase "Wanking is good" had never been more apt - in this case a little bit of hand relief had kept the world spinning for at least another year. If I could have I would have patted myself on the back. Instead I decided to celebrate by letting "old lefty" have a turn for a change - a celebratory wank for a job well done.

And if The Rapture threatens again you will find me, and probably other Tweeps, are willing to once again #BeatTheRaptureByWanking.

I wonder if it's The Rapture again tonight.....

Think Of The Fun We Had At Palace Hill...

There are some things we do in life because we enjoy and there are some things we do in life that we do because we are nice people. I did a nice thing today when I let my nephew watch Nickelodeon on the telly. As such I was subjected to the joys (never has sarcasm been used with such delight) of the kids TV of this generation. As such I found myself watching some American shite (no offence Americans I’m calling the show not the nation) of the ilk of iCarley or Drake & Josh (it’s embarrassing that I know the names of these programmes).

I found myself turning into one of those people who goes on about how Curly Wurly’s were bigger when they were young, about how the summers were longer and skies bluer, and how they spent their days with no consoles and computers and just spent their days playing Hide & Seek, football and British Bulldogs. I was thinking to myself that kid’s programmes were much better “when I were a lad”. However, when I thought about it a bit longer I realised that maybe I was getting all caught up in one of those generational things.

I know for a fact that I don’t get the shows my parents watched. Andy Pandy was so cheesy that I’m surprised there aren’t more lactose intolerant people around. And what about Fingerbobs? A show with puppets made out of paper and you could see the fingers of the puppeteers. And The Magic Roundabout? – I think I would need to be on LSD to have a clue what was going on there!

So then I wondered how I would explain the shows I loved as a kid to a future generation and it occurred to me that they would think I was mental for enjoying such shows. I’ll show you why (this might be more fun if you are in the 25-35ish bracket). See if you can guess the following 10 programmes which I loved as a child, as they may be explained nowadays :-

1) Technologically advanced Anthropomorphic felines, each with artefacts that imbue a special ability upon them, battle a Mummy, and his gang of henchmen, which include anthropomorphic versions of a Toad, Monkey & Jackal. Did I mention you could defeat the powerful enemy by showing him his own reflection?

2) Ring-tailed mammals take part in various environmentally friendly adventures in a forest while thwarting the capitalist overtures of a phallic-nosed Aardvark-like creature

3) A middle-aged man lives with a bear with learning difficulties, a homosexual hippopotamus, and the mutated offspring of an egg and a pair of corduroy trousers, whilst being regularly interrupted by three swinging singers with a penchant for stripy tops and white trousers.

4) A latex crocodile, ably assisted by a latex rat and latex mouse runs a successful magazine show from the sewers

5) A Lion and his faithful companion, a Lynx, circumnavigate the globe with a deadline.

6) A middle-aged man, who never the less insists on wearing Bermuda shorts and a novelty spectacles, attacks young children with a foam hammer for their failure to fully grasp the diversity of the English Language, whilst pulling tongues at them and desecrating their faces with plasters scrawled with mild smut.

7) A small basset hound dog rides a horse around 17th Century France battling ne’er-do-wells with the aid of 3 other dogs, all the time hoping to get off with another dog who works for the Queen.

8) A Prince with a split personality battles a man who seems to have suffered complete necrosis of the face and his henchmen, some of whom consist of a man with three eyes, a man whose special talent is fisting people (this is actually true), a woman so evil that she uses it as her first name, and a man who seems to be the result of botched genetic experiment between a man and a fish. Don’t worry though the dual personality dude has help. From a tiger suffering from severe nervous tension, a man who has had his legs replaced with springs, a red dishcloth and what appears to be Tom Selleck.

9) Robotic Televisions, with a day job working a reporters, help a Professor with a speech impediment battle various evil elements.

10) A mullet headed man, in an obvious sexual relationship with twin sisters, takes great joy in making children sticky, then forcing them to compete against each other driving Go Karts around a track, and then subjecting them to a house that attacks them. (This is not SAW)


See what I mean? The TV of my generation sounds like a very strange thing, so maybe now when I am in my 90’s sitting in my own piss in a nursing home and I hear the 75 year olds telling their grandchildren about how American Teenagers, who looked older than their age, and could afford to live in luxury apartments/loft houses, despite the fact they seemingly had no parents, whilst they only worked in a diner or cinema, I will just sit there with a wry smile and ponder on my own television glory years.

I must go now anyway. I’ve booked a room in Dizzy Heights hotel, because tomorrow I am meeting Alfonso Bonzo for Eggs ‘N’ Baker and then we are going to watch Jossy’s Giants play a match, before meeting Terry Nutkins, who is going to tell us about his sexploits with Michaela Strachan. Apparently they were Really Wild!

@Gazabell

The Answers...

First of all thanks to those of you who read my blog http://gazabell1.blogspot.com/2011/04/think-of-fun-we-had-at-palace-hill.html

These are the answers to the programmes I talked about on there.

If you don't like spoilers read that blog before looking below:-

V

Here we go:-

1) Technologically advanced Anthropomorphic felines, each with artefacts that imbue a special ability upon them, battle a Mummy, and his gang of henchmen, which include anthropomorphic versions of a Toad, Monkey & Jackal. Did I mention you could defeat the powerful enemy by showing him his own reflection?

Was Thundercats - they are on the loose and on the move! I don't know why Mum-Rha was so self-concious about his reflection. A bit of Moisturiser and I'm sure his skin would have cleared up

2) Ring-tailed mammals take part in various environmentally friendly adventures in a forest while thwarting the capitalist overtures of a phallic-nosed Aardvark-like creature

Was The Raccons - with Cyril Sneer who needs some viagra up his nose. Saying that Burt looked like he could do with some too. And do you remember poor old Cecil - he looked like Curly Watts from Corrie!

3) A middle-aged man lives with a bear with learning difficulties, a homosexual hippopotamus, and the mutated offspring of an egg and a pair of corduroy trousers, whilst being regularly interrupted by three swinging singers with a penchant for stripy tops and white trousers.

Was Rainbow of course. No wonder Jeffrey never got married with that menagerie in his house. What the fuck was Zippy supposed to be anyway? And Rod, Jayne & Freddy - definitely members of the Middlesborough Swingers Association!

4) A latex crocodile, ably assisted by a latex rat and latex mouse runs a successful magazine show from the sewers

A harder one to get maybe? It's Round The Bend. If I remember rightly the rat was a Vincent Van Gough rip off, and it had joke cartoons like Wee-Man & The Masters of the U-Bend and the like. Look how fake looking the Puppet, the erstwhile Doc Croc, is!

5) A Lion and his faithful companion, a Lynx, circumnavigate the globe with a deadline.

Another one which stumped some people - It is Around The World In 80 Days with Willy Fog. Personally I think a Lion might have been shot on arrival in most countries, and at the very least would have eaten all of those companions!

6) A middle-aged man, who never the less insists on wearing Bermuda shorts and a novelty spectacles, attacks young children with a foam hammer for their failure to fully grasp the diversity of the English Language, whilst pulling tongues at them and desecrating their faces with plasters scrawled with mild smut.

Was of course Wac-A-Day (Not Timmy Mallet - who is the person not the show as some suggested to me). I'm not accusing Mallet of anything but the way I wrote up the show makes him sound like a nonce! Plus he was always gettin his cock(atoo) out!

7) A small basset hound dog rides a horse around 17th Century France battling ne’er-do-wells with the aid of 3 other dogs, all the time hoping to get off with another dog who works for the Queen.

Was Dogtanian & The Three Muskerhounds - based of course The Three Mustateers. The main thing I remember about this show was that Dogtanian had a really whiny voice and almost every episode suffered some form of nasal injury that made his nose turn red!

8) A Prince with a split personality battles a man who seems to have suffered complete necrosis of the face and his henchmen, some of whom consist of a man with three eyes, a man whose special talent is fisting people (this is actually true), a woman so evil that she uses it as her first name, and a man who seems to be the result of botched genetic experiment between a man and a fish. Don’t worry though the dual personality dude has help. From a tiger suffering from severe nervous tension, a man who has had his legs replaced with springs, a red dishcloth and what appears to be Tom Selleck.

The easiest one I reckon - it was He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Which of course would lead to the excellent cheesefest live version film starring Dolph Lundgeran - which should have spawned a sequel! There really was a character in this cartoon called Fistor - who had metal hands! Dirty perverted bastard!

9) Robotic Televisions, with a day job working a reporters, help a Professor with a speech impediment battle various evil elements.

Probably the most obscure one - it was Telebugs. I loved this show at the time. There was an evil telebug too with a....dum dum duuuuuuummmmm - red face! The characters were voiced by Ron Moody - you know Fagin from Oliver! The Telebugs did not crash half as often as Twitter!

10) A mullet headed man, in an obvious sexual relationship with twin sisters, takes great joy in making children sticky, then forcing them to compete against each other driving Go Karts around a track, and then subjecting them to a house that attacks them. (This is not SAW)

Was Fun House - its lots of fun, prizes to be won, its a real whacky show were anything can go! It also had the two worst co-presenters evers in Melanie & The Other Twin who could barely speak and made Dev from Corrie look like Brando! I secretly wanted to go on this show, but only to drive the Go Karts! Pat Sharp had hair like Worzel Gummidge for the early series - Worzel Gummidge with his twat head on usually!

There you go - if yougot them all well done - Nobody gave me concrete proof that they got them though! I may do another one of these some time :-)

Cheggers Plays Block!

Twitter is a marvellous place to be. It is usually fun, often hilarious, sometimes sad and occassionally a hornfest! I've made mention of this before. When I first started on Twitter I followed celebrities because that's what Twitter was for. However, I soon discovered that Twitter is much better without the need to follow celebrities. It is the real people on Twitter that make it for me. So much so that I started to unfollow most of the celebrities that I did follow. I currently follow 1100ish people on Twitter and maybe 50 of them are "celebrities" of some sort - mainly comdedians or at the very least funny celebrities. The rest of everyday people each just as amazing as the celebs that we as a society idolise.

I'll admit that I get a buzz if I get a reply of a celeb and even better if I get a follow. Which brings me to the point of this blogette. I have found it really funny this morning that I have been blocked by Keith "Cheggers" Chegwin at some point over the past few months. I'm not bothered in the least really. That is the whole point of Twitter you have complete power to block or unfollow people. In a strange way I am quite proud of the fact that he went out of his way to actually block me. I can honestly say that I never sent him any abuse, and never slated him indirectly. The irony of this is that I never actually followed him until he followed me after I retweeted one of his jokes.

Anyway I've done this blogette because I have come up with 5 reasons why he did the deedand this is what I came up with

1) One of us is a cheeky Scouse chap who tells cheesy jokes...the other is Keith Chegwin

2) One of us has a penis that has been seen by millions....the other is Keith Chegwin

3) One of us has taken Maggie Philburn up the wrong'un...the other is Keith Chegwin

4) One of us has a drink problem....the other is Keith Chegwin

5) One of us has stroked Noel Edmonds beard...the othet is Keith Chegwin

In all honesty I probably said something that offended him, or slagged off a mate of his, or maybe my fucking foul mouth was too much for him. I will take this as an honour that whatever I did it warranted a BLOCK and not just an Unfollow! Now that is some acheivement! I'm going to see if I can find any other 80s celebs to annoy now....Gary Wilmott I'm coming to get you!

Chirpy Chirpy Tweep Peeps

So my last blog was about why I like Twitter and why I joined it so I thought I would follow it up with the types of tweeps you can find on there. I'm not pigeon-holing people by doing this - to be honest most Tweeps will fit into a lot of the categories - I know I do! But these are just some general types I have come across on here.

The Slebo's (Celebrities)

The reason why most people join Twitter is to speak to their favourite celebrity. I think there would be very few people on twitter who don't follow at least one celebrity. I told you in my last blog that following celebrities is why I joined Twitter, and it became a game for me & my friends to try to get a Celeb to tweet us back or even follow us. And it is great when they do. When Davina responded to a tweet of mine it felt good - not that I went around telling people that Davina & I were very good friends in regular contact or anything. I'm not that sad!

The thing is Slebo's are not likely to respond to their tweets for the most part. I can understand why too. I only have 900 & odd followers & I get in put in #twitterjail at least 4 times a week, mainly for responding to people's @replies. Now imagine if someone like Stephen Fry tried to reply to everyone. He would always be in jail. Although it would be nice to get a reply it more than likely isn't going to happen. So those people who think that "Justine Beaver" - never speak the true name for just like Candyman if you mention him they will come (The Beliebers & Spammers) - will tweet you back and fall in love with you then you are wrong. I would just take the whole celeb thing as if you get a reply enjoy it, but don't expect to be drinking champagne at the next Brit Awards because of your online friendship with Kylie Minogue.

Saying that there are a fair few Slebo's that will reply to their followers. The likes of Dame @WinceyWillis1 is a perfect example of a good slebo to follow. She replies to her followers, is down to Earth and up for a laugh, and takes all th TV-AM & Treasure Hunt talk in her stride. Same with @JakeCanuso (Matteo from Bendidorm) and @DerrenLitten (Benidorm writer) - they like twitter and interact with their followers. Even some of the bigger twit celebs like @Schofe and @RealMattLucas - who have thousands of followers will go out of their way to respond to people and follow them.

That doesn't mean that you still don't want certain celebrities to follow. Personally I would probably jizz everywhere if @CaitlinMoran or @EmmaK67 followed me - because I like their sense of humour and think I could have a good laugh with them. If it ever happens keep an eye out for my When Harry Met Sally style tweet. The person who tweets back with "I'll have what he is having" gets extra bonus points.

The #FML Brigade

This is a harder category to write about because it will probably sound like I am slagging these people off but I am not really. In a way they entertain me. For those of you who don't know #fml means "Fuck My Life" - I assume it is for when something bad has happened to you but not catastrophic. There are people on Twitter though who use it for literally anything remotely shitty happening.

Typical tweets from a member of the #fml brigade will read "The hair dye hasn't worked #fml" or "I didn't have enough money to buy a Twix #fml" or "Mrs Doyle has got her tits out in Shameless again #fml" - it makes me laugh because how does any of that fuck someone's life? I suppose it is the new way of being a drama queen but what would I know. I'm not a member of the #fml brigade at all#fml!


Hornbags & Gladrags

A very big category on my timeline at least. I get followed by loads of flirty followers ranging from the "You are cute" peeps to the "How big is your cock" ones. To be honest this is one of my favourite groups of people - how good is it when someone starts flirting with you. I like the banter you get with these people and the laughs you can have by flirting back. All right sometimes people can get a bit full on with the flirting but for the most part it is harmless fun and I say long may it continue.

Banter Buddies

This is probably my favourite catergory and the main reason I return to twitter again & again. I love it when you build up a twiendship with someone to the point where you feel comfortable with having a bit of banter with them. When it becomes acceptable to accuse of follower of having a little cock, or ask them to get their tits out for the lads, or make jokes about their age then you know that you have got something good. I reckon about 10% of my followers come into this category. They are the ones that you miss if they aren't online while you are or who miss you if you are not there. All of you will have Banter Buddies on Twitter so make sure you keep them because it would be a lot more boring if they weren't around.

Silence is Golden?

If you are like me you will also have a lot of followers who follow you but don't really tweet with you. I have had a few like this who never tweet me but list me in their #ff - this is good in the fact that they obviously like you enough to keep following but bad in that they are too shy to talk. Sometimes though, like during the Numbers Game that happened a few months ago, you will get an unexpected tweet and think "who is this tweeting me" which is worse in many ways because how do you respond them.

My advice to the silent types is don't be afraid to tweet with people more if you like them.

Telly Hashtaggers

Another cateogory I come into and another thing that makes Twitter for me. I love it when a lot of tweeters are watching the same programme and take the piss out of. I am a renowned telly hashtagger and any reality style TV show is fair game for me. I only really started this during the last Big Brother but it is one of my favourite Twitter pastimes now. Some of the hashtags I see have me literally LOLing and even ROFLing and on one occassion I was very close to even PMSL. Some of the masters of this genre are @Lkue @Maxative @Elphabob @WillHoe and of course @Dazgale - I recommend following them even if its just for their hashtags!




Anyhoos this is a shorter blog than last time and not as good in my opinion, but I suppose it at least takes a light-hearted look at Twitter and it helped me pass an hour of my time so it achieved something.

I could do with a new topic for my next blog so if you have any suggestions feel free to let me know. I will try to make it funnier than this one too. Also if you want to write a guest blog then feel free to do so and I will post it on here.

Adios
@Gazabell

Taking It Up The Twitter

Some things are inevitiable in life; a bird will shit on your car within 24hrs of you washing it, Bridget Jones Diary will be on ITV2 at least 3 times a week, Joe Swash will make any TV appearance he can, and more certain than anything I will pop onto Twitter at least once a day. Why do I go on Twitter? It is simple - it is a great laugh.

Twitter is like a magnet that brings so many different people together that it is never boring. Where else can you flirt, argue, pontificate, tell rubbish jokes, and insult people? Well the pub to be honest but Twitter is better because you can stay away from arseholes easier, not have to put up with bad breath, and if you are handy enough with your phone you don't have to miss any of the action while having a poo.

To be honest I only joined Twitter initially because my brother convinced me that it was fun to tweet celebs. I was up for a laugh and so I did join and started following the usual suspects like Stephen Fry, Wossy, Davina etc. I even convinced some of my mates to join purely to play a game of Celebrity Top Trumps - where the person in the lead would be someone who could get a celeb to reply to them, and the Holy Grail of which would be a follow back from a celebrity. Do you know what it got boring quite quickly (well apart from when Keith Chegwin followed me!) and it wasn't long before we all dipped out of Twitter again. To me Twitter became a disgarded mistress, who joined the other social networking strumpets MySpace and Friends Reunited drinking gin in a bar and telling each other about what a using bastard I was and that my cock wasn't as big as I thought it was.

However, little did I realise that Twitter was the Elizabeth Taylor to my Richard Burton and I gave her another go. It was looking very much the same as last time until one man changed that - and that man was Duncan Banatyne. He introduced #duncansdream which was where he wanted his followers to follow eachother. I thought "what the hell" give it a go so I bought into it. Within 2 days I had gone from 20 followers to 150, and it hit me that was what was missing from my Twitter feed. Real People. As I started talking to the real people it suddenly became more fun - my tweets started to mean something - the fact that I had had Cocopops for breakfast or that I thought Shabby from Big Brother dresses like a street urchin from Oliver! meant more because people responded. That is what kept me interested in Twitter and has still kept me interested in it to this day.

It is the interactions that make it for me. The more followers I got the more I enjoyed it. I get to talk to people who I would never meet in real life, but that is a good thing. I enjoy my real life - it is a great life, but it handy to know that if I am bored at work, or waiting for something that I have (currently) over 900 people in my pocket that I can play with. That is Twitter people by the way - I don't kidnap Borrowers and make them perform for my own sick pleasure!

For those of you new to Twitter you might wonder how I got so many followers - the answer was:-

1) Being Myself
I like to think of myself as a nice, genuine person. Who I am on Twittter is exactly who I am in real life (only my face isn't as scrunched up into a little square) - I am a piss taking bastard. I do talk to everyone who talks to me. I do swear a lot, and I do on occasion get drunk. These traits are all the same on Twitter I think - if you tweet me I will reply. If I have the chance to take the micky out of you in a fun non-nasty way I will (just ask @MuppetFitz or @iBoozy), if I get the chance to drop the F-Bomb then I fucking will and I will on occasion drunk tweet ("God bled autocrrct")

2) Hashtagging
I have come along way since the days of #aaronthediscardedwigand #punnilingus - don't get me wrong these worked for me - people kinda loved the cheesy puns I think, but it was when I joined in on the big hashtag games that my follower count rose - #fivewordsaftersex #foodmovies anythingthing of that ilk I recommend you join in on. People will appreciate your humour and follow you

3) Flirting
Never ever underestimate the power of the flirt. I literally flirt with EVERYONE on my twitter timeline given half the chance. I don't know if this makes me look like slut but I don't care. I know I am not a slut and the fact that I flirt on twitter does not mean that I would act upon it in real life. I see it as a good thing - one it makes people feel good, two it can be a good laugh and three I like it!


That probably makes me sound like I am follower hungry but do you know what that is not the case either. I want quality not quantity - I only let tweeps who chat follow me - I block all the spambots and motivational coaches and people who just post links or phrases. I went on a website recently that told me I block as many followers as I have - If I was follower hungry I would have over 2000 followers - I'm not arsed about that at all. The ones I've got now are all real people (well apart from the fake ones!) and even though I don't chat with all of them the ones I do chat with are brilliant.

That is why I like to take it up the Twitter. I speak to people who I would never get to meet in real life. I don't think I have ever been on Twitter and not laughed at least once! That is why I keep coming back and why I wrote this blog. I will be doing a follow up to this blog at some point to about the tweeps you can tweet with on there, but for now I'll let you get on with something more interesting.

Much love @Gazabell

How's About That Zen

Another old post. Not my work but still worth a little look through:-

1. Save The Whales. Collect the Whole Set.


2. A Day Without Sunshine is Like, Night.


3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers..


4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.


5. 82.7% Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.


6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.


7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.


8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.


9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.


10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.


11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.


12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.


13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.


14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.


15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.


16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.


17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.


18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!


19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.


20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!


21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.


22. How Many Of You Believe In Psychokinesis? Raise My Hand.


23 . OK,.... So What's The Speed Of Dark?


24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?


25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.


26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.


27. Hard Work May Pay Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.


28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.


29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?


30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?


31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.


32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?


33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.


34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.


35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?


36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened.


37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off

Enjoy The Big Balls

Hello Dear Tweepies

Seen as though I quite enjoyed doing my last blog post about Westlife, I thought I'd dig out another one of my old blogs from a few years ago, give it a dust up and present it to a new generation. This one is about etiquette, because as you can no doubt tell from my tweets I am the height of decorum and the best possible person to advise you on how to act in polite society.

As you are no doubt aware in any social calender, you will find that Christmas is the time for numerous Balls. You might be daunted by such occasions, but with my help and by following the 8 simple steps below you will find that you can mingle with High Society without embarrassment. Who knows, you may even be invited to Prince William & Kate Middleton's Wedding.

The 7 Virtues Of Correct Usage Of The English Language
(A.K.A What Not To Swear)


1. Greetings (aka the Sir Joseph Boswell Technique)
The correct way to greet your fellow party patrons is to use the much maligned "Hello". Do remember that as a member of the elite you should pronounce this thusly "Hail Ear" practice this out loud so that it become second nature. One should not under any circumstances say "Hi" "Wotcha" or "Fucking hell it's hot in here, the sweat is pissing out of me!"

2. Affirmation (aka The Lady Katherine Price "Just Cannot Say No" Technique)
One may find oneself in conversation with a fellow patron, and find oneself, for example, in a discussion about the problems with your servants, and how best to handle your staff. Quite often a patron will have a viable solution which you agree with. The correct way to agree with a question of course is to use the word "Yes" (pronounce "Ears"). One should not say "Too Fucking Right" or "Yeah, I know"

3. Negatory (aka the Doctor No Technique)
On occasion one might find oneself in the unfortunate position of having to disagree with ones fellow patron. For example, Lady Lorraine Kelly may say in polite conversation to Countess Fiona Phillips "One has found that one has reached one limits with cucumber now don't you think?" the Countess however has developed other uses for said legume and would like to reply in a negative manner. Of course the Countess should say "No" (Pronounce this as "Near") not "Bollocks" or "No Fucking Way"

4. Refreshments (aka The Sir George Best Technique)
Of course Social Balls are always filled with alcohol, which is perfectly acceptable. For preference Ladies should drink Champagne or good Cabernet Sauvignon (a '79 for preference) and Gentlemen should drink a good Cognac or Port. One should not say "Mine's a pint" or "Shall we have shooters" but should opt for more decorum and say "Ears Lady Beckham I would like to partake in a petite glarss of Chateau Distel"

5. Powdering One's Nose (aka The Lady Kathrine Moss Technique)
With the refreshments flowing at some point one would undoubtedly need to use the facilities of the establishment. This is a tricky situation, which will require your tact and social graces. You should politely excuse yourself with a polite euphemism, such as "Excusez-Moi, but I must have a word with Mr Armitage Shanks" or "I must freshen up". Under no circumstances say "I need to shake my lettuce" or "Frigging hell the turtles head is poking out"

6. The Excuse Me (aka The Sir John Travolta Technique)
During one of these Balls there will no doubt be a musical interlude which will require you to partake in some dancing. This is all well and good, but under no circumstances should a lady approach a gentleman. Ladies should stand to one side of the room, and coquettishly fan themselves or mingle in small groups. At this point the Gentleman should should approach a suitable lady and say "Excuse me my lady, but would you do me the very great honour of accompanying me for this dance?". Do not under any circumstances say "Grab your coat love, you've pulled" or "I fucking love this song, dance you miserable bastard".

7. The Art Of Mingling (aka The Mr The Merciless Technique)
One should use the occasion to make social connections to the right persons in attendance. By mingling with your fellow patrons you will soon receive invitations to a variety of Garden Parties, Candlelit Suppers and Bar Mitzvah's, and therefore increase your social standings. You should approach fellow patrons give a brief introduction and then discuss relevant topics such as "All of these Johnny Foreigners are taking our jobs" and "You just can't get the staff today". Do not say "Alright fat arse, how's it going" or "Huh huh huh, David Walliams took me up the wrong'un last night"


Wear For Art Thou
(aka "Suits You Sir!")

Of course one knows that one's appearance is the only way to guarantee one's future invitation to prestigious events. Luckily things are quite simple this season. Gentlemen should of course wear Top Hat, Tails & Full Three Piece Suit. Monocles are optional. Some Middle Class People have taken to smoking Cuban Cigars, but a REAL Gentleman should only attempt to smoke a Pipe. Ladies should wear full Ball Gown, Fur Stole, Head Gear and of course a fan. Parasols are acceptable if the weather is inclement. Ladies should not smoke if possible, but if they do it should be black cigarettes from a Cigarette Holder. One should not Roll Their Own or smoke Marijuana.

And there we have it. These simple lessons should allow you to enjoy your night and keep you safe in the knowledge that you have held yourself in complete decorum. Enjoy the Ball.