You May Now Enter The Diary Room...

Hello there Peeps! *lifts glasses* it is I…Gazabell…here to impart some news to you. You know me I am never happier than when I am taking the piss out of things, and as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs I find that Reality TV is perfect for sating my piss-taking needs. As luck would have it we are in prime Reality TV piss-taking season. Hot off the heels of Hungary’s Got Talent, and The Voice, we have now entered the real of Big Brother where the real wannabe’s live and breathe in order to gain their 5 minutes of fame, before they fade into obscurity again (How’s life treating you Narinder, Ziggy and Eugene?).

Now I know that not everyone gets into Big Brother, so once again I have taken it upon myself to introduce you to this years cast of “wacky, zany” characters, and what a treat we have to you. Channel 5 has certainly pulled out the stops this year. Not only have they given Brian Dowling a sex change into a beautiful woman, and elocution lessons so we don’t have to hear about the tribe of Annie’s in his life (Annie Thing, Annie Way, Annie Tips etc), but they have also trawled their nets deep into the Sea of Wannabe (just nearly the Island of YDFuckisthiscockonmyscreen) and dredged out some almighty c*nts for us to slag off over the coming three months (if we last that long!). This has obviously blown the budget because the house looks like Willy Wonka’s Mental Breakdown this year!

Anyway without further ado let us meet your targets this year…

  

Callum

The man who must have had a heavy paper round, Callum claims to be 28 years old. We have yet to ascertain if this is in Dog Years but it could possibly be. If not then he is probably using the patented Geri Halliwell Date Calculator, available in all good pound shops now.

Charlie

Named after her drug of choice, Charlie is a bad girl gone good. I don’t know whether this means she spent time in Larkhall cadging snout of the Two Julies or getting called a dirty slaaaaaag by Shell Dockley, but it probably doesn’t. She has brought her mum in with her in case any of the big kids nick her dinner money.

Daley

There are conflicting stories about the name of this Professional Boxer. The first is that he was named after Athletics Legend Daley Thompson, who he wants to emulate by starring in a Daz advert with Barry from EastEnders. The second theory is that his parents just weren’t that good at spelling but were big fans of the Daily Mail.

 

Daniel

Ex-copper Daniel likes nothing better than getting his truncheon out and fingering suspects for all of their crimes. He also enjoys it when people say to him “Evening Orifice, what have we here”. He is the only Gay man in the house (unless you count the other 5).

Dexter

Asian Alan Partridge look-alike has already claimed the title of biggest Tw*t in the house by boasting about his wealth and power. He claims to have made his money by being a male prostitute but I think that is a big far fetched. Who’d pay him for sex?? He also said he doesn’t need the money or the fame so why bother going in there. This smug little fucker already thinks he is a bit of a celebrity, and claims to be a celebrity publicist. Shame he is the type of celebrity publicist that makes you yearn for Max Clifford!

 

Gina

Named after the erstwhile singer of the lyrical masterpiece “Oooo Ahhhh, Just a Little Bit”, Gina hobbies include being a big titted spoilt bitch, and having no concept about how deplorable it is to waste so much money on yourself. She is probably expecting the other contestants to wipe her arse for her for the duration of her stay.

Hazel

Irish Model Hazel is erm……well……erm…. Well ok I don’t know what she is because I was just looking at her boobies when she came in. That’s why I have put this pic up of her too because lets face it that’s all anyone saw right?

Jack & Joe

Jack & Joe went up the hill to fetch a pail of water….. who am I kidding they got out of breath a quarter of the way up and decided to go to KFC instead. One of these brothers is straight & one is gay apparently. Personally I wouldn’t be surprised if they fiddled with each other.

Jackie

If someone left Charlie on a low light for 5hrs this is what you would get. Jackie is either the mother of Charlie or is Charlie herself travelled back in time to meet herself. A bit like a crap version of Doctor Who.

Jemima

Horsefaced pensioner Jemima claims to be a gold-digger. I can see why because she certainly has the features of an 1890’s prospector. She also claims to be a look-a-like of Sarah Jessica Parker but we all are. Look at your foot and imagine it with a blonde wig and some lipstick on it. There you have is SJP. Jemima looks to be a randy cougar and will be trying to get some hot c*ck action in there.

 

Michael

Fresh out of the Dev Alahan School of Acting, Michael is the People’s Puppet, which is apt because the other housemates may string him up when they find out. I doubt it though because his tasks so far have been boring and transparent, and the big reveal will be about as exciting as an evening with Roy Cropper.

Sallie

Demure ladylike Sallie is not one of these cheap looking women who have their saggy arse and saggy tits hanging out while swearing like a trooper and drinking Lambrini like its going out of fashion…..oh wait that’s exactly what she is, with the added disadvantage of dressing like a reject from All Saints (the 90s girl band not the shop).

Sam

Harry Styles look-alike…..wait that can’t be right? Is it supposed to be Harry Enfield look-alike? Well whatever it is. Owner of the shittest chat up line in the world (“You make my winkie expand”) Sam could be the Glyn Wise of this years Big Brother. It will be hard to tell though because I can’t understand a word he says. Not sure if that is because of his deafness or the fact he is Welsh!

Sophie

“Sum peeepaw fink I’m fick but I ain’t” words of wisdom indeed from the very pretty Sophie. Despite her “so Cockney it ‘urts” accent Sophie is probably one of the most normal people in there.

Wolfie

“Power To The People” cries Piratey-dressed Lesbian Wolfie. Daughter of balding soft-permed Gladiator Wolf, we can expect to see her come of her shell as the weeks progress. She may look like something that escaped from the reject bin at a Care Bear factory but this could be your contestant to watch.

There you go that is all we have in there for now. They normally chuck in a few others at a later stage so you may get an update. Then again I might just get bored stiff of it all after a couple of days and decide to stop watching. That’s the joy of life though isn’t it? We never know what’s around the next corner.

Anyway enough ramblings from me I reckon! I will leave you all to it for now.

Just remember Big Brother is watching, even if you aren’t!

Back To Life....Back To Reality (TV)

Hello you scrumptious little readers of blogs! It seems I have been neglecting you a big in the whole blogging stakes. Been a while since I last did one, but I know you are all connoisseurs of quality rather than quantity so I assume you don’t mind too much.

So why have I not blogged for a while? Why has my Tweeting levels dipped considerably? I have not been living with the indigenous Pygmy People of Mbuti, I have not been saving Whales, I’ve not be trapped in Louis Walsh’s Sexatorium. I’ve just had an epic year of stuff happening.

Firstly work has gotten a lot busier. I am a Civil Servant….or occasionally an Uncivil Servant if I am in a mood or lacking sleep… which to some might sound like a boring job. I quite like mine though. I have always been lucky in my role in that I have rarely been tied to a desk seeing a production line of people or processing paperwork. I have always been slipped into a nice niche (ooo-er missus) and have always enjoyed my job. Within the past 6 months my role has changed a fair bit and I am involved in a lot more than I used to be. I sometimes stay late to make sure I am well organised. This is unheard of for me, but I find that I don’t mind doing it. Of course this leaves me with much less time to tweet. Gone are the days when I did lots of outreach work and could basically tweet loads between appointments.

The second thing that has kept me away from Twitter has been my house which is “Lovingly” referred to as The House of Doom. I intend to do a full blog about this once I am back in the house, but basically I had a burst pipe in the attic which saturated pretty much the whole of my house. Since then I have had to move out, spent a week living like Alan Partridge in a Travel Tavern (well Premier Inn), followed by 2 weeks in my Mum & Dad’s Box Room hemmed in like a prisoner – those nights as @Gazabelljailed paid off there- and now I am in a temporary house for up to 6 months. My house is slowly but surely coming back together and in all honesty will probably look much better than it did before, but it has been a big upheaval and again has kept me away from blogging & tweeting as much as I used to.

As well as that throw in the usual of situations with family, friends, relationships, and just generally not being in the mood and that’s why you get a lack of hot, steamy @Gazabell action!

Don’t worry though we are heading into my prime tweeting part of the year. It is that time when Reality TV comes back to our screens with a vengeance, and that is what I like doing most of all. Taking the piss out of reality TV. We’ve just had #BGT which was ripe for the pisstake, but an even better event is on the horizon. Tonight sees the return of Big Brother to Channel 5. This is where you usually find the most deluded, arrogant, thick, people ripe to be made fun of. I’ve got to admit that I have not watched the last couple of series of normal Big Bro. I have with the celebrities but I think this year I will come back to the non-celebrities. I am basically going to spend today sharpening my claws, and doing Yoga in an attempt to free my mind from all distractions, and sit like a Guru of Bitchiness in preparation to unleash my tongue on the unsuspecting housemates (not in the good licky kind of way either!). Apologies if you aren’t a fan of Big Brother, but if you are following me then you should know by now that I do like a bit of pisstake telly and I will be polluting your timelines over the coming weeks I’m afraid!

Think that will do for a blog for now. I will try to make more of an effort to write them a bit more regularly now. So watch out for shameless plugs on my Twitter Feed!

In The Year Of Our Lord...

On 10^th September I reached another Milestone, celebrating a birthday that on the face of it doesn’t seem like that big a deal. It’s an odd number and one that you wouldn’t think twice about. I celebrated my 33^rd Birthday, please hold back those comments saying I only look 24 (a guy can dream!) because I don’t mind being this old. I know some people hate the thought of getting older but I very rarely feel my age. In my head I am about 23 – just about mature enough to cope with being an adult, but young enough to still think I can stay out partying all hours and living life as much as I can. It’s a good place to be in your head I can tell you.

Anyway you might be thinking “Why is 33 such an important age?”. Well the answer is, it isn’t really, but there is one bit of trivia which I keep telling people, which I find quite amusing and I am going to share it with you. I have now lived as long as Jesus did. Yep, if my GCSE Religion is anything to go by Our Lord died when I he was 33.

Don’t worry this isn’t going to be a blog comparing me to the Son of God. I’ll leave that to quartets of 60’s pop Scousers or the weirdo brigade (here’s looking at you David Icke!). In fact at first glance I am more like the opposite to Jesus. Not in an Antichrist kind of way, but in a kind of reverse miracle kind of way. I mean Jesus turned water into wine, and I often turn wine into “water” (but you wouldn’t want to drink it!). I’ve never given a Sermon on the mount, mainly because I have to concentrate on the thrusting. And I can’t raise the dead, in fact I sometimes struggle to raise a smile on some people. Jesus was Aramaic, whereas I am more Aromatic. You get the picture!

On the other hand I do have some things in common I suppose. Jesus was good with wood, and so am I (even if I do say so myself) though admittedly not the same kind of wood. Jesus got angry with the money lenders, and I too have exchanged some angry letters with Nationwide. Jesus fed 5000 people with loaves and fishes, and I make a mean Fishfinger Butty. Jesus liked spending time in the company of 12 men and…well this is a family blog so we best leave that one there :P

So like I say I have not done this blog to big myself up as a new Son of Man, I just thought I would dispel some myths about being in your thirties. For example it is still possible for you to party hard like you did in your twenties. Even now I manage to get out more weekends, drink enough alcohol to fell Boris Yeltsin, and strut my funky stuff on the dancefloors. True I normally wake up the next day with calves that are tighter than Tory Government public funding finance plan, and I feel the tiredness a lot more, but that is the only difference to a night out when I was 25. The expected aches and pains of old age have yet to make a proper appearance. I can still get out of low furniture without groaning. I still know who most of the latest pop stars are – you won’t hear me saying “Who is Nicky Minge?”

I think I can credit my youthful feelings to my enjoyment of life and the company I keep. I have been really blessed in that I have an amazing family, not just my immediate one, but my extended family, which is HUGE. I have lots of aunts, uncles, hundreds of cousins and we all get on well together and have a good laugh when we see each other. Seeing my older relatives enjoying themselves, having a laugh and joke, comparing illnesses (at some family parties it’s like Ailment Top Trumps!) but still dancing, singing & laughing makes me realise that I don’t have to be old before my time. If my 79 year old Nan is still laughing everyday then that’s the way I want to be.

I’ve also been lucky with the friends I have got. I don’t like to brag (ok well maybe a little bit) but I have lots of friends of varying ages, and I can honestly say I always enjoy being with them. I have mates who I don’t see for years, but when we meet up it’s like I saw them the previous week. I have closer mates who I see often, and again I am always guaranteed a great laugh whenever I meet them. And the best thing is they still keep coming. I’ve got mates from school, mates I met by chance on nights out, mates from work, and now (in these exciting times of Social Media) I have mates I have met online. Even with the people I haven’t met but know online, most my Twitter followers, I know I can always find someone to talk to, to have a laugh with, and to moan to if I am down.

So how can I end this blog? I think I could give you some of the wealth of my wisdom of how to enjoy life because it has always stood me in good stead. Let’s call them the Gazabell 7 Commandments (blimey we are back on religion again!) because I can’t be arsed thinking of 10

·         Laugh Every Day

o   It’s supposed to be the Best Medicine (Diabetics I would still stick to Insulin) and I think if you can find something to laugh about everyday then things can’t be all that bad

·         Take The Piss

o   Now there is a fine line between taking the piss in a vindictive nasty way, and doing it in a way to make people laugh without hurting someone. I think a bit of gentle ribbing is a good thing. You have to remember that if you are going to take the piss don’t do it nastily to their face, and always be prepared to take the piss out of yourself

·         Never Forget You Are Amazing

o   I don’t mean become an arrogant arsehole. I just mean that everyone is special in their own way. Some people can’t see it in themselves so tell them if they can’t. Nobody is worthless so never think you are

·         Have Something To Look Forward To

o   Always have something in the pipeline that you want to do. It could be meeting up with friends, planning a holiday, organising a night out, taking the cat to get it’s claws clipped or playing Volleyball with Nuns. Things are always better when you have something to count down to.

·         Say Something Nice

o   I might come across as a piss-taking cheeky fucker, but I do have a nice side and I always try to make an effort to say something nice to a least one person a day. A little thing like that could make a big difference to your day.

·         Don’t Be Scared To Be Impromptu

o   Some people don’t like coming out of their comfort zone, but often the best way to have fun is to do something you haven’t planned, something unexpected. I have no plans for today, but if I wanted to I could make a video of me dressed as Sir Lancelot singing “Oh What A Knight”. I could run up and down the street waving a scarf over my head. I could ring Dame Wincey Willis and quote every line from the film Short Circuit 2. I’m not going to like, but I like the fact that my mind can come up with these things and I can do them if I want.

·         Follow Gazabell

o   I can’t guarantee to be funny all the time, or even any of the time, but I do try to give it my best shot. If I say something you like don’t be scared to Retweet it, because like most Tweeps a RT or a Favourite is like cocaine mixed with Jaegerbombs washed down with Pepsi and vodka and ecstasy (in short very addictive!) and once you have had it you just want more more more. Don’t be scared to give me a shoutout either. I would like to hit 5000 followers at some point (I’ll feed them with Tweet-sized loaves & fishes). You don’t just have to follow me on Twitter though. You can find me on Tumblr, Path, Facebook, Instagram, Dailybooth & probably anywhere else you care to look, so feel free to follow me or spread the word.

I think that should be enough pontificating and spreading a quick array of utter bollocks into your life for now anyway so Here Endeth Todays Lesson.

@Gazabell

Boots & Cats! Boots & Cats!

Sound the fanfare! Set off the fireworks! Toot your horn (easy now!) and let out a huge HURRAH! For it is that time again! We have reached another Britain's Got Dance Acts & Lots Of Singers but No Real Variety Final. It doesn't seem that long ago until Scottish Sex Siren, Susan Boyle, put Britain firmly on the map to show that not only do we have the sexiest women on the planet, but we also know how to shake our hips at middle aged men and can knock a tune out if we want to. Since then we have had a succession of successful singers and dance groups that have won the competition. I can't name them all off the top of my head mind you but I am sure they are very successful even so. 

Tonight (well unless you are reading this much later!) we will see 6 singing acts (no its not XFactor even though it might seem like it!) take on 3 dance acts & 1 synchronised swimming act proving without a doubt that variety is not dead (unless you are a comedian, magician, bell ringer, impressionist, trampolinist, big spinny hoop person, martial arts act, pianist, contortionist, ventriloquist, puppeteer, laser harpist, or pan wearing Dalek Impersonator). 


As I type this the Judges are getting their 2nd coat of Cuprinol and their teeth Tip-Exed in preparation for tonight. While they are doing that I will once again use my position at Syco as Simon Cowell's hairstylist to give you some backstage gossip, just like I did about Jean Martyn & Frankie Cocknocker when they were involved with the company. So without further ado let us see what we have in store for tonight:-

Ashleigh & Pudsey

We British love our pets and so it is no surprise that we have a dancing dog in the final this year. She has also brought a canine with her and is a hot favourite to win, as people go wild over seeing a little dogging walking around on 2 legs groping the hips of a woman, while Simon Cowell will be smiling like a gurning fool because he is really really into bestiality. They will be dancing tonight to 90s classic Doop by the band Doop.

Aquabatique

A Saturday night full of wet women eh? A Typical Saturday night for any woman who spends time in my company ;) But these women aren't just ordinary women - no they are women who can keep their mouths shut for more than two minutes! A rarity nowadays eh lads? lol. These women have taken their inspiration for life from the movie Splash staring Daryl Hannah and have set plans in motion to grab a man and make him live under water with them forever. Yes even the woman with the odd shaped boobs. I doubt they will win today but they will there to give the men something to look at to balance up for the women perving off Jonathan. They will be swimming to the song Under The Sea

Jonathan & Charlotte

Porcelain faced sex god Jonathan breezed his way into the finals bringing his chubby singing partner along with him for the ride. Little is known about him apart from her spends 12 hours a day masturbating over Charlotte's Facebook page and spends at least 3 hours a day singing very loudly in an Operatic Voice at full pelt in a tramps face. Rumour has it that this is his second crack at stardom so he will have an experience factor that others won't.....

 Rumour has it that they will sing an operatic version of 1993 No1 Hit Mr Blobby

Kai and Natalia

I can think of literally nothing vaguely amusing to write about this duo, which sort of suggests that I find them a bit boring, even though they are good at what they do. I think they have Strictly No Chance of winning. They are dancing to the theme tune from Blockbusters

Loveable Rogues

They might be Loveable Rogue who are highlighting just how sexy a musical instrument the Ukulele is but using my mums very stringent rule that anyone who wears shoes & trousers without socks is a pervert I'm afraid I won't be supporting them. I may have a go at writing my own song about real life things. If it's about things I am into then it may well be calling the Drinky Wanking Song! :)  Loveable Rogues will be singing another self-penned song about real life called Simon Offered Us A Record Deal If We Suck Him Off

Molly Rainford

Now I know it is not considered good form to berate children, but fuck it I am going to. I really don't like the child acts on BGT. They are always very mediocre but because the producers are scared that they will break down and cry like that Adelweiss kid a few years ago they get comments comparing them to Mariah Carey and told they are excellent. If anyone was watching the semi-final that this child was in they would have heard the same slow, boring, slightly off-key dirge I heard? If Molly wins I might have to go on a King Herod style spree to ensure that in a decades time we are not still listening to pointless child acts. She will be singing a very slow version of When I'm Cleaning Windows by George Formby

Nu-Sxool

Paedophiles dream act, Nu-Sxool, have probably been the most subtle in getting their sob story across. Not for them are tales of bullying, discrimination or growing up on the wrong side of the ghetto. They have made their barrier obvious in their spelling. It is obviously a school for Dyslexic people who's only outlet is Dance! It's like a modern day Fame in the making. Saying that although they will be good I don't think I will be as big a fan of their act as Gary Glitter will be. They will be dancing to the original Grange Hill theme during which David Walliams will run on with a sausage on a fork.

Only Boys Aloud

Discrimination still lives on as this womanphobic choir who only allow boys into their singing world reach the finals. Unlike "New School" these did try to use a sob story to get to the final by saying they were bullied. They are Welsh though so what do they expect???? I'm surprised that any bully would want to attack them with their slightly creepy looking Choirmaster protecting them from behind the bushes. I wonder if they will wear their ever so trendy White Shirts & Blue Jeans Summer Bay High uniform tonight? They are singing the Home & Away theme tune.

Ryan O'Shaughnessy

The man with the surname that Dec seems to have a lot of trouble pronouncing (WTF is O'shopmessy?) managed to wangle his way into the final after escaping from the clutches of The Voice Ireland (God knows who the judging panel is on that show? Dana, Daniel O'Donnell, one of the Nolans and probably Kian from Westlife I reckon) and writing two of his own songs (they wont be as good as the Drinky Wanking Song though!). Poor Ryan, despite having Teeth that make Cowell stiffer than a 5 week dead corpse, and being a very talented song writer, has still not been able to get the girl of her dreams to open her legs...I mean heart... to him. He is not too concerned about winning tonight, but rather capturing the love of his life. Maybe when he sings his new ballad "I've Never Seen A Big Bushy Fanny Before" she will finally cave in and hook up with him.

 Sam Kelly

Named after the esteemed actor of Porridge, On The Up and Barbara fame, Sam took to music so he could earn enough money to get his other arm tattooed. He wants a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine on there and a picture of Alicia Dixon noshing off Simon Cowell. He hopes to win tonight with his cover version of Snooker Loopy by Chas & Dave.

The Wild Card!

Don't forget we also have a Wild Card act in the final! Will it be Pissed & Twulse Junior? Will it be The Fix....erm I mean The Mend. Will it be Billy George and his giant hoop (I thought I had misheard it at first and it was Boy George who I believe also has a big hoop)? 

I personally hope that it is none other than the sexiest winky organ manipulator on the planet....

We can but live in hope! 

Failing that maybe this chap could go on and sing The Shoop Shoop Song in the style of a Dalek? 

There you go with your guide to the Britain's Got Talent Final 2012. Hope it gave you at least a bit of a chuckle and if not tough shit I'm no David Walliams.

Catch you on Twitter

@Gazabell

PS: I don't hate children, the Welsh, the Irish, singers, dance acts, Simon Cowell's teeth, women, men, Orangutans or hoops. I do hate Jedward though.

A Christmas Cracker

Well it's that time of year again. Time to jingle your bells, polish your baubles, feed your reindeer, give your fairy a good wipe down & dispense off-colour smutty comments with look seemingly innocent, but when in the hands of a master smut dispenser give the Yule period an extra sparkle. It's Christmas Eve, and poor Santa, who only comes once a year (so different to me!) is getting ready to shoot down your chimney, empty his sack and fill you to the brim with festive deposits, so whack on some Christmas tunes, baste your turkey & wop it in a hot oven!

I am currently at that stage now where I am still considering & still putting off wrapping my presents but I know I will knuckle down in a minute and get on with it all, but before I do I just want to share something with you that I got off the amazingly funny @williamstafford off Twitter at the first Christmas Party I went to this year (in November).

Who are the perfect dinner guests to invite to your Christmas Party?

Emma Dreaming

Arthur White

Chris Muss

Jess Likedee

Juan Zi

Hugh Sterno

Wendy Treetops-Glisten

Ann Chilled-Wren

Liz Anne

"Two Ears" Laybelle

Cindy Snow

Emma Dreaming

Arthur White

Chris Mussunt

Avery Chris

Miss Carr

Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby

Mary-Ann Bright

Ann May Hall-York-Rhys

Mrs B White

This is just a little blog to wish all of my Twitter Followers, Facebook Friends, Google+ers (who I don't know most of) a very, smutty, sexy, horny, loving, cuddly, happy, wonderful, marvellous

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

If I could get to each and everyone of you with my mistletoe (which I usually hang from my belt!) for a nice kiss I most definitely would. Have a great festive period & if you see me about say hi :)

@Gazabell xxx

PS - oh yes I did reach 100,000 tweets well before 2012 - my heartfelt thanks can be found HERE

Welcome To The World Of Tomorrow...

Hello my friends and loyal blog readers. For those of you who may not know I recently became an uncle for a second time, as my new nephew Jack was born this week. He is only 4lbs at the moment because he is 6 weeks early, but he is looking great and will soon be home with his family.

Well it got me thinking that my nephew is being born five decades after me (which is strange when you think about that I have been alive in 5 different decades even though I am only 32! But count them 70’s [barely!] 80’s, 90’s, Noughties & the Tensies [whatever this is called]) and the world has changed so much over this time.

I thought I would do this blog so in 2029 when he is 18 he can look back and see some of the differences there are between the world of my generation and the world of his generation. So let me bridge the gap now between 2011 and 2029 – don’t worry this blog has a built in Flux Capacitor so you don’t have to leave the room.

Twatty Celebrities

You may not know this but Prime Minister Joey Essex was once just a reality TV star in the early 10’s. He might be the most tanned Prime Minister in history now, but back in 2011 the young Joey Essex & his annoying gaggle of scripted friends gained a following amongst the less cerebral people amongst this generation. Not only that but the woman you now know as Dame Katie Price was not yet completely made of plastic – some parts of her were still originals, I think it is her ankles and little finger. Also as you may remember from your history class we have also had to put up with Jedward – I know you won’t know much about them after their not-so-tragic disappearance in Liverpool in 2012 – but my good they were annoying, it is a good job I still remember about that cellar and feed the annoying pair of bastards….oh wait I have said too much forget about that.

Saying that I suppose it is not all one way traffic - at least I had the preparation of hearing Victoria Beckham sing to prepare myself for the onslaught of Harper 7 Beckham that was released on the world. And I can tell you now that nobody in a million years would have thought George Michael and Britney Spears would get married in 2011. As I was saying to Lady Wincey Willis the other day in the House of Lords celebrities in the 80s 90s & 00s where much superior to those in the 2020’s

World Affairs

We are living in a time of unrest in the world. Countries at war with each other – dictators dropping like flies, Europe on the brink of financial ruin, but you are probably planning your trip to Marmaris in the People’s Republic of West China now, but here in 2011 that country was called Turkey. Who would have thought that so much of the world would be under Chinese control now. President Timberlake needs to keep an eye on things really. Still I suppose it makes Geography easy for you. You won’t need to learn the capital of any Ukraine or Turkey, or Russia now that they are all ruled from Beijing. By the way how the hell did Coca-Cola get to build that giant Logo on the moon? It used to look so beautiful!

Technology

You don’t realise how lucky you are with your Virtual Reality, iPhone 25 and 180million megapixel cameras. When I was growing up we had to make do with Nokia phones! And Sega Mega Drives! And camera that you had to put film in and wind up to take a picture….and they only held 24 pictures on the film! There is no way I could happy slap a policeman and record it for YouTube. I had to get a mate to do a flick pad drawing and gather crowds around me in town! We had to use control pads to use a console when I was growing up and we had to use our fingers to dial numbers! And if you ask me 5D TV is far too many D’s to watch a television programme. The smell of Bruce Forsyth’s formaldehyde turns my stomach and his hands feel like parchment now! I must admit though I like those planes that go in space, it tickles my balls when we come back down, like driving over a bridge quickly.

Music

Now while you are there listening to that Nu-Electro music or whatever it’s called you will never know about Chakademus & Pliers, Lutricia McNeal, Scooch, Cleopatra (comin’ athca) or the Vengaboys, but we had real music in our day. The great Tom Jones still had his own hips in 2011 and while he may still be packing out arenas in 2029 it is just not the same watching him sing Sexbomb with an Oxygen Mask on. And while you might think of Westlife as classical music to us they are just a band that recycled the same song 500 times and never forgot about the key change in the final fifth. You need to check out some timeless music like Queen, ELO, Steps, and Take That! And I know that some of the women there are going wild over One Direction reforming, but I remember them when they were 5 spotty herberts who liked to sing on Perspex boxes.

It’s been a short guide Jack, but in spite of people thinking that I drink daily and so will be long gone through cirrhosis of the liver I am still alive as you well know. I fact wasn’t my 50^th Birthday party a great laugh. I’ve still got it haven’t I? Singing that classic F*ck You & shaking my still rather fine ass all over the dance floor, so if you want to know more just come and find me. I am your uncle after all & I am always there for you :)

A bit of a blogette really – not one of my best but hopefully it gave the odd chuckle along the way. I will endeavour to do blogs as regularly as I can. I just need a little inspiration sometimes so if you have any ideas for a topic you want to see let me know, or even if you want me to host a blog for you if you have your own masterpiece you want to share I am always happy to do that :)

@Gazabell

Behind The Bars: The Gazabelljailed Story

Hello All

It's been a week since his last one but the talents of @mrtomsimpson are never ending it seems. He has only done another edition of Toms News, this one is about my alter ego - the erstwhile @gazabelljailed - read on as you hear the truth about what lies beneath the bars

@gazabell

TOMS NEWS October 2011

@Gazabelljailed - THE TRUTH

During moments of high frequency tweeting all of gazabells loyal, beautiful, sexy followers will be aware that he disappears from out timelines, to be replaced by gazabelljailed. Some people think this is just gaz himself, tweeting from a different account as he’s been thrown into twitter jail. Dearest readers I have uncovered the truth and it’s a lot more darker than a photo shopped black and white profile picture covered in bars…

The fact is gazabelljailed is gazabells evil twin, sentenced to life imprisonment many years ago for drunkenness, bad innuendo, cursing of the worst kind against celebrities, incorrect spelling, excess masturbation and smutty sleaziness towards his impressionable followers. When gazabelljailed appears on twitter, he has broken free from prison, knocked out our own dear gaz and set about ruining his untainted, angelic reputation. For example Gaz would never make references to male genitals, fellatio or mindless drinking.

Dressed in my smartest suit I made a visit to the high security institution gazabelljailed is currently incarcerated in. Following several, rigorous thorough searches and security checks I was allowed in. I walked along the eerie corridor, lined floor to ceiling with metal bars to the clear glass cell at the end. My first glimpse of gazabelljailed was just what I expected: prison pallor, dressed in regulation dungarees from Grundy Televisions 1980s smash hit Prisoner, hands cuffed behind his back with a look of seething frustration and anger on his face. I could only compare the look he gave me as that what Hannibal Lecter gives to Clarice Starling in the 1991 film Silence of the Lambs. Yet although the grim appearance he welcomed me with a cheerful “good morning, you’s alright” and the offer of a diet Pepsi. His cell was lined with row upon row of well used tablets of soap, boxes of Kleenex for men and a variety of unlabeled DVD’s, it was remarkably tidy although I did notice his waste bin was full to the brim with empty bags of Doritos, water bottles, timeout wrappers and used stiff tissues.

I questioned him extensively, probing deeply as to why he makes these unwanted visits onto our timelines (generally 8-10pm but occasionally morning too) and his response was he thinks his twin chatters far too much to far too many nice people and he wants in on the action. He is sick of feeling left out of the cool gang and playing second fiddle to everyone’s favourite. I also managed to ascertain how he escapes the guards and confines of prison, but this being a family newspaper it would be unacceptable to print.

I gained the following information though, once he has escaped he tracks down gazabell, knocks him out with chloroform and then opens his @gazabelljailed account. He then makes attempts at pretending to be his brother, locked out by twitter wanting help and assistance from the hell hole that is twitter jail. He then gets inundated with kindness and sympathy and offers of help from all the sexy followers and he laps then up like a cat with a saucer of jersey cream.

Gazabelljailed was leering at me throughout the interview and made lots of smutty remarks. I was warned beforehand of course, but it all got a little too much for me so I left him in the company of the guards and headed back to the main entrance. The guards on duty explained to me about these escapes gazabelljailed makes, they couldn’t tell me how he does it but did say he is always caught within 2 hours, they return him to his cell and attend to the real gazabell, bring him back to consciousness and establish him back on twitter, he is generally unaware anything has happened, he just thinks he dozed off. The guards were anxious to let all followers know not to fall for the pleas for cakes with nail files, dynamite, help with tunnel building etc. It’s all just an act to make you believe you are talking to the real gazabell, its best to just chat to him as normal until the help arrives and he goes silent again. As I left the institution I could hear the faint sounds of someone singing “on the inside”, water running and bars of soap being dropped.

So readers you now know the truth about gazabelljailed, he cannot be trusted, who wants a dangerous predator on the loose in one of the UK’s major cities. What we want is him safely contained and his account removed so we can all enjoy multitalented gazabell witty, slightly dirty, flirty tweets in peace.

“what do we want?”

“GAZABELL”

When do we want it?”

“ALL THE TIME WITHOUT INTERRUPTION FROM GAZABELLJAILED!”

So twitter get your act together, give Gaz 24 hour protection from his evil twin and allow us all to have conversations with him without the worry of evil gazabell jailed getting jealous and escaping.

© T Simpson Productions MMXI All character and events in this story are entirely fictitious, any similarity to real events and people is entirely planned.