Back To Life....Back To Reality (TV)

Hello you scrumptious little readers of blogs! It seems I have been neglecting you a big in the whole blogging stakes. Been a while since I last did one, but I know you are all connoisseurs of quality rather than quantity so I assume you don’t mind too much.

So why have I not blogged for a while? Why has my Tweeting levels dipped considerably? I have not been living with the indigenous Pygmy People of Mbuti, I have not been saving Whales, I’ve not be trapped in Louis Walsh’s Sexatorium. I’ve just had an epic year of stuff happening.

Firstly work has gotten a lot busier. I am a Civil Servant….or occasionally an Uncivil Servant if I am in a mood or lacking sleep… which to some might sound like a boring job. I quite like mine though. I have always been lucky in my role in that I have rarely been tied to a desk seeing a production line of people or processing paperwork. I have always been slipped into a nice niche (ooo-er missus) and have always enjoyed my job. Within the past 6 months my role has changed a fair bit and I am involved in a lot more than I used to be. I sometimes stay late to make sure I am well organised. This is unheard of for me, but I find that I don’t mind doing it. Of course this leaves me with much less time to tweet. Gone are the days when I did lots of outreach work and could basically tweet loads between appointments.

The second thing that has kept me away from Twitter has been my house which is “Lovingly” referred to as The House of Doom. I intend to do a full blog about this once I am back in the house, but basically I had a burst pipe in the attic which saturated pretty much the whole of my house. Since then I have had to move out, spent a week living like Alan Partridge in a Travel Tavern (well Premier Inn), followed by 2 weeks in my Mum & Dad’s Box Room hemmed in like a prisoner – those nights as @Gazabelljailed paid off there- and now I am in a temporary house for up to 6 months. My house is slowly but surely coming back together and in all honesty will probably look much better than it did before, but it has been a big upheaval and again has kept me away from blogging & tweeting as much as I used to.

As well as that throw in the usual of situations with family, friends, relationships, and just generally not being in the mood and that’s why you get a lack of hot, steamy @Gazabell action!

Don’t worry though we are heading into my prime tweeting part of the year. It is that time when Reality TV comes back to our screens with a vengeance, and that is what I like doing most of all. Taking the piss out of reality TV. We’ve just had #BGT which was ripe for the pisstake, but an even better event is on the horizon. Tonight sees the return of Big Brother to Channel 5. This is where you usually find the most deluded, arrogant, thick, people ripe to be made fun of. I’ve got to admit that I have not watched the last couple of series of normal Big Bro. I have with the celebrities but I think this year I will come back to the non-celebrities. I am basically going to spend today sharpening my claws, and doing Yoga in an attempt to free my mind from all distractions, and sit like a Guru of Bitchiness in preparation to unleash my tongue on the unsuspecting housemates (not in the good licky kind of way either!). Apologies if you aren’t a fan of Big Brother, but if you are following me then you should know by now that I do like a bit of pisstake telly and I will be polluting your timelines over the coming weeks I’m afraid!

Think that will do for a blog for now. I will try to make more of an effort to write them a bit more regularly now. So watch out for shameless plugs on my Twitter Feed!

Welcome To The World Of Tomorrow...

Hello my friends and loyal blog readers. For those of you who may not know I recently became an uncle for a second time, as my new nephew Jack was born this week. He is only 4lbs at the moment because he is 6 weeks early, but he is looking great and will soon be home with his family.

Well it got me thinking that my nephew is being born five decades after me (which is strange when you think about that I have been alive in 5 different decades even though I am only 32! But count them 70’s [barely!] 80’s, 90’s, Noughties & the Tensies [whatever this is called]) and the world has changed so much over this time.

I thought I would do this blog so in 2029 when he is 18 he can look back and see some of the differences there are between the world of my generation and the world of his generation. So let me bridge the gap now between 2011 and 2029 – don’t worry this blog has a built in Flux Capacitor so you don’t have to leave the room.

Twatty Celebrities

You may not know this but Prime Minister Joey Essex was once just a reality TV star in the early 10’s. He might be the most tanned Prime Minister in history now, but back in 2011 the young Joey Essex & his annoying gaggle of scripted friends gained a following amongst the less cerebral people amongst this generation. Not only that but the woman you now know as Dame Katie Price was not yet completely made of plastic – some parts of her were still originals, I think it is her ankles and little finger. Also as you may remember from your history class we have also had to put up with Jedward – I know you won’t know much about them after their not-so-tragic disappearance in Liverpool in 2012 – but my good they were annoying, it is a good job I still remember about that cellar and feed the annoying pair of bastards….oh wait I have said too much forget about that.

Saying that I suppose it is not all one way traffic - at least I had the preparation of hearing Victoria Beckham sing to prepare myself for the onslaught of Harper 7 Beckham that was released on the world. And I can tell you now that nobody in a million years would have thought George Michael and Britney Spears would get married in 2011. As I was saying to Lady Wincey Willis the other day in the House of Lords celebrities in the 80s 90s & 00s where much superior to those in the 2020’s

World Affairs

We are living in a time of unrest in the world. Countries at war with each other – dictators dropping like flies, Europe on the brink of financial ruin, but you are probably planning your trip to Marmaris in the People’s Republic of West China now, but here in 2011 that country was called Turkey. Who would have thought that so much of the world would be under Chinese control now. President Timberlake needs to keep an eye on things really. Still I suppose it makes Geography easy for you. You won’t need to learn the capital of any Ukraine or Turkey, or Russia now that they are all ruled from Beijing. By the way how the hell did Coca-Cola get to build that giant Logo on the moon? It used to look so beautiful!

Technology

You don’t realise how lucky you are with your Virtual Reality, iPhone 25 and 180million megapixel cameras. When I was growing up we had to make do with Nokia phones! And Sega Mega Drives! And camera that you had to put film in and wind up to take a picture….and they only held 24 pictures on the film! There is no way I could happy slap a policeman and record it for YouTube. I had to get a mate to do a flick pad drawing and gather crowds around me in town! We had to use control pads to use a console when I was growing up and we had to use our fingers to dial numbers! And if you ask me 5D TV is far too many D’s to watch a television programme. The smell of Bruce Forsyth’s formaldehyde turns my stomach and his hands feel like parchment now! I must admit though I like those planes that go in space, it tickles my balls when we come back down, like driving over a bridge quickly.

Music

Now while you are there listening to that Nu-Electro music or whatever it’s called you will never know about Chakademus & Pliers, Lutricia McNeal, Scooch, Cleopatra (comin’ athca) or the Vengaboys, but we had real music in our day. The great Tom Jones still had his own hips in 2011 and while he may still be packing out arenas in 2029 it is just not the same watching him sing Sexbomb with an Oxygen Mask on. And while you might think of Westlife as classical music to us they are just a band that recycled the same song 500 times and never forgot about the key change in the final fifth. You need to check out some timeless music like Queen, ELO, Steps, and Take That! And I know that some of the women there are going wild over One Direction reforming, but I remember them when they were 5 spotty herberts who liked to sing on Perspex boxes.

It’s been a short guide Jack, but in spite of people thinking that I drink daily and so will be long gone through cirrhosis of the liver I am still alive as you well know. I fact wasn’t my 50^th Birthday party a great laugh. I’ve still got it haven’t I? Singing that classic F*ck You & shaking my still rather fine ass all over the dance floor, so if you want to know more just come and find me. I am your uncle after all & I am always there for you :)

A bit of a blogette really – not one of my best but hopefully it gave the odd chuckle along the way. I will endeavour to do blogs as regularly as I can. I just need a little inspiration sometimes so if you have any ideas for a topic you want to see let me know, or even if you want me to host a blog for you if you have your own masterpiece you want to share I am always happy to do that :)

@Gazabell

Nice To See You...

Picture the scene – It’s the Garden Of Eden, and a very angry Mr God has just banished Adam & Eve for being greedy apple eating bastards, the serpent is condemned to crawl on his belly, and the angel with the fiery sword guards the path so nobody can return - Oh yeah I’ve got a B in Religion GCSE, I know my Bible! (Would have been an A if I knew my Koran a bit better!) but there is one person who is never mentioned in the scriptures, one man who has roamed the Earth for millions of years – if you listen closely you will hear him tap dancing his way out of the Garden of Eden trying to perfect a new catchphrase “Didn’t she do…bad?”

Fast forward a few thousand years and Our Lord Jesus has been crucified and has been in his tomb for three days, when suddenly the witnesses hear the sound of “Life…is the name of the game, and I want to play the game with you…” Suddenly, Jesus has risen from the dead, and the sound of tap dancing fades into the distance. Didn’t he do well?

Fast forward another few thousand years and there is trouble brewing in England. Civil war threatens the stability of the country. A battle takes place at Edgehill and things look bad for the Royalists, when suddenly a loud noise is heard booming from the hill – everybody looks up and there silhouetted against the moon is the figure of a man…half crouching, fist to head, chin made of granite, slender legs tapered behind him, and he says the immortal words “Nice to see you…” and all assembled cannot help themselves “…to see you nice” – but it is not nice, as the man of legend, older than Joan Collins herself, jumps down the hill and tap dances over every single roundhead on the battle field. Didn’t he do well? However it is not enough to turn the tide of the war, and because of his royalist leanings the legendary man is forced into hiding for hundreds more years.

We reach 1916 and the First World War is raging. The Allies need a new weapon to help them in the war. Technology has progressed and the horseless carriage has come to the fore. However, they are just not strong enough to survive battle. But then he appears again out of nowhere at a secret military location, so secret that even he does not know where it is, and he shows them that horseless carriages can be made sturdier. He brings out his secret weapon – it is a horseless carriage with giant sized playing cards attached to it all over making a giant shell – ladies and gentlemen that Tank is invented. Didn’t he do well?

But he disappears again…
…not too long this time though. For as prophesised by Nostradamus himself in 1939 he appears to perk up morale during the war

“And lo when the silver birds of the sky shall deploy their wretched spheres of
Destruction about the green and pleasant land, they boy of atoms shall appear
and shalt question the people about how well she or he did”

And the prediction came true….that man is none other than Sir Bruce Forsyth. Owner of the finest hair ever produced by the British Cotton Company, the beadiest eyes seen on a non-eagle, and the ability to entertain any crowd he chooses. He has barely changed over the years. He will tap dance if anyone so much as looks at him, will sing like a Britain’s Got Talent Pensioner act, and will spout words of poetry not heard since the Bard himself was alive. Poems such as….

“I’m the leader of the pack,
Which is what makes me such a lucky jack,
They say all good things come in pairs,
Well look at these two croupiers,
Look at them they’re so appealing,
Come on Dollies, do your dealing”

Words to bring tear to a glass eye I am sure you will agree!

So let me tell you a few facts about Brucie….

Did you know….know did you?
That because of all his tap dancing, Brucie has a stronger kick than a shire horse.

Did you know….know did you?
Brucie’s hair is so flame retardant that he singlehandedly put out the fire at Windsor Castle by doing a headstand throughout the building.

Did you know….know did you?
The cards in Play Your Cards Right were originally normal sized, but Brucie refused to wear glasses so they just made the cards bigger over the years

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie trades in his wife for a taller model every 25 years because he refuses to wear glasses

Did you know….know did you?
As well as writing the theme tune to the Generation Game, Brucie also wrote the popular songs, Smack My Bitch Up, Mull of Kintyre, Agadoo, and Edge of Glory

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie’s chin is so strong that Geoff Capes once broke his wrist when he accidently waved his hand into Brucie’s face

Did you know….know did you?
That even at the age he is now Brucie has sex every 4 hours, and is still very good in the sack, but is insecure and asks to ask about himself “Didn’t he do well?”

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie was already a Sir after being given the honour by Elizabeth I for undisclosed services, though rumour has it she was not such a Virgin afterwards


So love him or hate him – you have to admit that the man is a living legend, and if you don’t agree he will tap dance all over you and then your grave. Who knows what the future holds for Sir Bruce Forsyth. I have heard rumours that the Ministry Of Defence are currently making some humungous sized playing cards ready to deploy if Brucie demands it, and the world’s Tallest Woman has been seen hanging around the Strictly Come Dancing studio.

No matter what happens we will always know that it is “Nice to see you….to see you nice”

@Gazabell

Enjoy The Big Balls

Hello Dear Tweepies

Seen as though I quite enjoyed doing my last blog post about Westlife, I thought I'd dig out another one of my old blogs from a few years ago, give it a dust up and present it to a new generation. This one is about etiquette, because as you can no doubt tell from my tweets I am the height of decorum and the best possible person to advise you on how to act in polite society.

As you are no doubt aware in any social calender, you will find that Christmas is the time for numerous Balls. You might be daunted by such occasions, but with my help and by following the 8 simple steps below you will find that you can mingle with High Society without embarrassment. Who knows, you may even be invited to Prince William & Kate Middleton's Wedding.

The 7 Virtues Of Correct Usage Of The English Language
(A.K.A What Not To Swear)


1. Greetings (aka the Sir Joseph Boswell Technique)
The correct way to greet your fellow party patrons is to use the much maligned "Hello". Do remember that as a member of the elite you should pronounce this thusly "Hail Ear" practice this out loud so that it become second nature. One should not under any circumstances say "Hi" "Wotcha" or "Fucking hell it's hot in here, the sweat is pissing out of me!"

2. Affirmation (aka The Lady Katherine Price "Just Cannot Say No" Technique)
One may find oneself in conversation with a fellow patron, and find oneself, for example, in a discussion about the problems with your servants, and how best to handle your staff. Quite often a patron will have a viable solution which you agree with. The correct way to agree with a question of course is to use the word "Yes" (pronounce "Ears"). One should not say "Too Fucking Right" or "Yeah, I know"

3. Negatory (aka the Doctor No Technique)
On occasion one might find oneself in the unfortunate position of having to disagree with ones fellow patron. For example, Lady Lorraine Kelly may say in polite conversation to Countess Fiona Phillips "One has found that one has reached one limits with cucumber now don't you think?" the Countess however has developed other uses for said legume and would like to reply in a negative manner. Of course the Countess should say "No" (Pronounce this as "Near") not "Bollocks" or "No Fucking Way"

4. Refreshments (aka The Sir George Best Technique)
Of course Social Balls are always filled with alcohol, which is perfectly acceptable. For preference Ladies should drink Champagne or good Cabernet Sauvignon (a '79 for preference) and Gentlemen should drink a good Cognac or Port. One should not say "Mine's a pint" or "Shall we have shooters" but should opt for more decorum and say "Ears Lady Beckham I would like to partake in a petite glarss of Chateau Distel"

5. Powdering One's Nose (aka The Lady Kathrine Moss Technique)
With the refreshments flowing at some point one would undoubtedly need to use the facilities of the establishment. This is a tricky situation, which will require your tact and social graces. You should politely excuse yourself with a polite euphemism, such as "Excusez-Moi, but I must have a word with Mr Armitage Shanks" or "I must freshen up". Under no circumstances say "I need to shake my lettuce" or "Frigging hell the turtles head is poking out"

6. The Excuse Me (aka The Sir John Travolta Technique)
During one of these Balls there will no doubt be a musical interlude which will require you to partake in some dancing. This is all well and good, but under no circumstances should a lady approach a gentleman. Ladies should stand to one side of the room, and coquettishly fan themselves or mingle in small groups. At this point the Gentleman should should approach a suitable lady and say "Excuse me my lady, but would you do me the very great honour of accompanying me for this dance?". Do not under any circumstances say "Grab your coat love, you've pulled" or "I fucking love this song, dance you miserable bastard".

7. The Art Of Mingling (aka The Mr The Merciless Technique)
One should use the occasion to make social connections to the right persons in attendance. By mingling with your fellow patrons you will soon receive invitations to a variety of Garden Parties, Candlelit Suppers and Bar Mitzvah's, and therefore increase your social standings. You should approach fellow patrons give a brief introduction and then discuss relevant topics such as "All of these Johnny Foreigners are taking our jobs" and "You just can't get the staff today". Do not say "Alright fat arse, how's it going" or "Huh huh huh, David Walliams took me up the wrong'un last night"


Wear For Art Thou
(aka "Suits You Sir!")

Of course one knows that one's appearance is the only way to guarantee one's future invitation to prestigious events. Luckily things are quite simple this season. Gentlemen should of course wear Top Hat, Tails & Full Three Piece Suit. Monocles are optional. Some Middle Class People have taken to smoking Cuban Cigars, but a REAL Gentleman should only attempt to smoke a Pipe. Ladies should wear full Ball Gown, Fur Stole, Head Gear and of course a fan. Parasols are acceptable if the weather is inclement. Ladies should not smoke if possible, but if they do it should be black cigarettes from a Cigarette Holder. One should not Roll Their Own or smoke Marijuana.

And there we have it. These simple lessons should allow you to enjoy your night and keep you safe in the knowledge that you have held yourself in complete decorum. Enjoy the Ball.

Don't Forget The Key Change In The Final Fifth

A bit of a Gaelic themed blog for you today, as I pick on the Oirish or rather four Oirish people to be exact, namely Westlife. The laziest band in Pop. Anyone could form a band like Westlife, and I suggest you give it a try because you could end up being the next Louis Walsh, though probably not as much as a C**t and you won't have to dye your hair Stoaty Weasely Grey/brown.
To make your own Westlife you need to follow 5 simple steps.....

STEP 1 - "I have a dream"
To form your new band you need to find 5 decent looking lads, only one of which needs to know how to sing, though if you can find 2 you are set. To make your own Westlife you will need the following types though - the good singer with the strangely shaped head; the secret gay who loves singing and gets all emotional when he is singing about love; one who will struggle with his weight thus providing newspapers with enough fodder that you can keep your gay closeted for years; one who would like to be cute but actually looks a bit like a transvestite; and finally the best looking one who is unfortunately mute. Your new band members must now project an image of good homeloving lads who want to buy their ma a new house.

STEP 2 - "Fool Again"
Save yourself a bit of money and protect the fat singers life by NOT employing a choreographer. Invest in 5 stools (don't worry if one of them leaves to make it as a solo singer you can sell the stool on ebay - just keep all the packaging!) and then dress your singers in suits and have them sitting down in all their concerts thus disguising their woeful dancing skills. This saves even more money because you don't have to rent one of those rooms with a big mirror in it for them to practice or hire Louis Spence.

STEP 3 - "Against All Odds"
The hard part comes now, or does it? You have to have some songs that the public will like and want to buy, but the public are a fickle lot in the most part, so how do you know what they will like? Easy, just rob songs that have already been a top 10 hit and use your formula for making the song have that Westlife sound. Namely, the brief pause followed by a key change in the final fifth where you get the lads (well the two who do the singing) to give it some welly. Don't worry no one will cotton on that you do the same thing in every song until you have made some serious money. To improve your chances of having a hit get a struggling singer from the 80's who wants to promote a Greatest Hits album to duet with you. I'm sure Lionel Richie or Lulu will be available. If all else fails bring out a swing album, it worked for Robbie Williams after all.

STEP 4 -"Flying Without Wings"
Are you finding that you feel that the band is getting a bit stale? How can you spice it up? That's easy too. Encourage the one with the biggest ego to show his real self to the public, he doesn't want to be making sugary pop songs, he wants to prove to the world that he is a real muscian. Let him write a few songs, don't worry you can use them as B-Sides or put them at the arse end of the next album. With any luck he will want to go solo for more credibility - oh no that's a disaster - no it isn't for you - only for him! All you need to do is get the remaining four lads to tell the press that they bravely will carry on with Mr Ego! Time to bring out that swing album to keep the momentum going I think. If things still seem stale after this all you need to do is out the gay one. The press will go wild, the gay community will want to support their fellow gay, it's win win!

STEP 5 - "You Raise Me Up"
It's 10 years since the band have finally split up after their RnB album failed. They've all tried to move on - the good singer with the funny shaped head had a one-hit wonder and is still big in Japan; the gay one came third in Dancing on Stilts; the mute took up DJing, but only gets weddings now; the fat one was given an MOT by Dr Gillian Keith, who just by looking at his poo came up with a diet & he now weighs in at an almost svelte 13st; and the transvestite look-a-like became a judge on I'm In The Mood For Dancing, the show on a quest to find someone to play Berni Nolan in the musical about the Oirish Pop sisters. With all of their careers on the skids now is the perfect time to reform the group and ride a wave of late 90's/early 2000's nostalgia. Get the group on tour and you can even re-release the Greatest Hits Album, and even include that version of 9 to 5 that you had been saving for the winner of X-Factor 14. You don't even have to worry about having groups for supporting artists - Aqua and Louis Bega are gagging for the gig. Pocket yourself another few million squid! Well done - hell you might even get to be reality TV judge yourself - in fact I hear that Ben Elton has written a musical about Another Level and they want you to be the nasty judge!

And there you have it - you very own guide to being a successful Pop Manager -I promise you it's easy - in fact I''ll even 'Swear it again' it's EASY!