Nice To See You...

Picture the scene – It’s the Garden Of Eden, and a very angry Mr God has just banished Adam & Eve for being greedy apple eating bastards, the serpent is condemned to crawl on his belly, and the angel with the fiery sword guards the path so nobody can return - Oh yeah I’ve got a B in Religion GCSE, I know my Bible! (Would have been an A if I knew my Koran a bit better!) but there is one person who is never mentioned in the scriptures, one man who has roamed the Earth for millions of years – if you listen closely you will hear him tap dancing his way out of the Garden of Eden trying to perfect a new catchphrase “Didn’t she do…bad?”

Fast forward a few thousand years and Our Lord Jesus has been crucified and has been in his tomb for three days, when suddenly the witnesses hear the sound of “Life…is the name of the game, and I want to play the game with you…” Suddenly, Jesus has risen from the dead, and the sound of tap dancing fades into the distance. Didn’t he do well?

Fast forward another few thousand years and there is trouble brewing in England. Civil war threatens the stability of the country. A battle takes place at Edgehill and things look bad for the Royalists, when suddenly a loud noise is heard booming from the hill – everybody looks up and there silhouetted against the moon is the figure of a man…half crouching, fist to head, chin made of granite, slender legs tapered behind him, and he says the immortal words “Nice to see you…” and all assembled cannot help themselves “…to see you nice” – but it is not nice, as the man of legend, older than Joan Collins herself, jumps down the hill and tap dances over every single roundhead on the battle field. Didn’t he do well? However it is not enough to turn the tide of the war, and because of his royalist leanings the legendary man is forced into hiding for hundreds more years.

We reach 1916 and the First World War is raging. The Allies need a new weapon to help them in the war. Technology has progressed and the horseless carriage has come to the fore. However, they are just not strong enough to survive battle. But then he appears again out of nowhere at a secret military location, so secret that even he does not know where it is, and he shows them that horseless carriages can be made sturdier. He brings out his secret weapon – it is a horseless carriage with giant sized playing cards attached to it all over making a giant shell – ladies and gentlemen that Tank is invented. Didn’t he do well?

But he disappears again…
…not too long this time though. For as prophesised by Nostradamus himself in 1939 he appears to perk up morale during the war

“And lo when the silver birds of the sky shall deploy their wretched spheres of
Destruction about the green and pleasant land, they boy of atoms shall appear
and shalt question the people about how well she or he did”

And the prediction came true….that man is none other than Sir Bruce Forsyth. Owner of the finest hair ever produced by the British Cotton Company, the beadiest eyes seen on a non-eagle, and the ability to entertain any crowd he chooses. He has barely changed over the years. He will tap dance if anyone so much as looks at him, will sing like a Britain’s Got Talent Pensioner act, and will spout words of poetry not heard since the Bard himself was alive. Poems such as….

“I’m the leader of the pack,
Which is what makes me such a lucky jack,
They say all good things come in pairs,
Well look at these two croupiers,
Look at them they’re so appealing,
Come on Dollies, do your dealing”

Words to bring tear to a glass eye I am sure you will agree!

So let me tell you a few facts about Brucie….

Did you know….know did you?
That because of all his tap dancing, Brucie has a stronger kick than a shire horse.

Did you know….know did you?
Brucie’s hair is so flame retardant that he singlehandedly put out the fire at Windsor Castle by doing a headstand throughout the building.

Did you know….know did you?
The cards in Play Your Cards Right were originally normal sized, but Brucie refused to wear glasses so they just made the cards bigger over the years

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie trades in his wife for a taller model every 25 years because he refuses to wear glasses

Did you know….know did you?
As well as writing the theme tune to the Generation Game, Brucie also wrote the popular songs, Smack My Bitch Up, Mull of Kintyre, Agadoo, and Edge of Glory

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie’s chin is so strong that Geoff Capes once broke his wrist when he accidently waved his hand into Brucie’s face

Did you know….know did you?
That even at the age he is now Brucie has sex every 4 hours, and is still very good in the sack, but is insecure and asks to ask about himself “Didn’t he do well?”

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie was already a Sir after being given the honour by Elizabeth I for undisclosed services, though rumour has it she was not such a Virgin afterwards


So love him or hate him – you have to admit that the man is a living legend, and if you don’t agree he will tap dance all over you and then your grave. Who knows what the future holds for Sir Bruce Forsyth. I have heard rumours that the Ministry Of Defence are currently making some humungous sized playing cards ready to deploy if Brucie demands it, and the world’s Tallest Woman has been seen hanging around the Strictly Come Dancing studio.

No matter what happens we will always know that it is “Nice to see you….to see you nice”

@Gazabell

There Is Nothing Like A Dame

Take yourself back to the Eighties – not literally, unless you are The Doctor or Dr Sam Beckett you may find this impossible – I mean in your mind (Yep – sorry youngsters this blog might be a bit before your time – don’t worry I will get around to doing a Power Rangers one at some point that you can enjoy :D). Have you done it? Cast yourself back. Look around you and what do you see? Perms & Mullets abound, Shoulder Pads are huge, there is a woman(ish) in charge of the country, and a rat is the biggest ratings winner on TV.

But who is interested in Roland Rat on telly when you look at the same programme he is on and she her….Blonde Mulleted, wearing some of the snazziest jumper combos seen in the eighties, and giggling like a loon. It can only be one person….Wincey Willis! So famous she goes to An Audience With… recordings, and has been name checked by Victoria Wood, and she bestrides our screen like a juggernaut of lovlieness.

Fast forward more years than you could imagine and now she bestrides a different arena – the online sexiverse that is Twitter, and that’s what I am going to blog about. You might think about her for different reasons – for being a journalist, author, editor, conservationist, radio presenter, or even for helping buffoons guide Aneka Rice around a town in a helicopter, but for me Wincey Willis is now always going to be about Twitter.

As you may have read in some of her previous blogs Dame Wincey joined Twitter purely because somebody was pretending to be her, but in my opinion, that person has done us all a massive favour. I, like some people, was a bit sceptical when I saw her tweeting, and thought it was another one of these sad acts who pretends to be someone they aren’t because they are too scared that people won’t find them funny in their real life persona. Then that awkward moment came when she tweeted me after one of my piss take comments no doubt. Being that I am a bloody lovely person (hell yeah you know it! Lol) I replied and thought nothing of it, then I got another tweet – telling me off for spelling Wincey wrong – then more tweets followed, a bit of banter and then oh no she followed me. I don’t normally follow “fake” celebs unless they are funny, but I was unsure whether @WinceyWillis1 was real or not, so I had a closer look at her profile and tweets. If she was fake then her tweets were pretty convincing so I gave her the benefit of doubt. I don’t know why I was so worried. We tweeted each other more over the next couple of days and it soon became apparent that she was the real deal. What’s more it soon became apparent that I found her engaging, funny, sweet and just the little bit smutty – just what I want in a follower!

I soon became the unofficial official Twitter guide for Dame Wincey – after bamboozling her with the terms we use on Twitter. A few times I would get a tweet saying “what is ROFL?” Knowing me I probably made up some bullishit like “Rolf Orgasms For Llamas”. On another occasion I had to explain what #Twitterjail was – after I think she thought I was really a prisoner somewhere.

This probably made me like Dame Wincey even more – how many celebrities do you know that would try to organise a Jail Break gang for you, complete with dynamite, tunnels, seduction and smuggling?

More banter has followed over the past year or so we have followed each other – from the formation of our double act WinceyBell (due to play the 02 arena in 2012), to Star Wars Tennis, to blog wars, to the near elimination of my use of the c-word on Twitter and now we have agreed to have a tweet up over the summer. How lucky is she getting to meet me!

Anyway, if you follow @WinceyWillis1 (oooo I’ve plugged you now Dame Wincey – was it good for you?) then you will see that she is the best celebrity on Twitter. She is down to earth, tweets funny things, replies when she can, promotes Merlot so much that I am sure she is getting freebies, and never ever tries to do a weather report. Saying that she tries to stop me from swearing sometimes (to some but not a lot of effect) and she has a tendency to blame cows for all the poo in her garden (there are no cows nearby – say no more!) so she has her bad points too!

So why is she Dame Wincey? Well for her services to Tweeting of course and because she is a great person to follow. I am allowed to bestow Damehoods, because I am the King Of Twitter according to her (I don’t like to correct her but I am actually the Emperor Of Twitter!) and I think it is a well deserved one.

So basically this blog is a bit of a salute to the living legend that is Dame Wincey Willis – I’m proud to call her a follower, tweep, Dame and friend. If you aren’t following you are missing out and if you are following her (she has long overtook me now!) then you already knew all of this I have written about and you have wasted 5 minutes of your life you fool!

Keep tweeting Dame Wincey

Lots of Love
@Gazabell

Chirpy Chirpy Tweep Peeps

So my last blog was about why I like Twitter and why I joined it so I thought I would follow it up with the types of tweeps you can find on there. I'm not pigeon-holing people by doing this - to be honest most Tweeps will fit into a lot of the categories - I know I do! But these are just some general types I have come across on here.

The Slebo's (Celebrities)

The reason why most people join Twitter is to speak to their favourite celebrity. I think there would be very few people on twitter who don't follow at least one celebrity. I told you in my last blog that following celebrities is why I joined Twitter, and it became a game for me & my friends to try to get a Celeb to tweet us back or even follow us. And it is great when they do. When Davina responded to a tweet of mine it felt good - not that I went around telling people that Davina & I were very good friends in regular contact or anything. I'm not that sad!

The thing is Slebo's are not likely to respond to their tweets for the most part. I can understand why too. I only have 900 & odd followers & I get in put in #twitterjail at least 4 times a week, mainly for responding to people's @replies. Now imagine if someone like Stephen Fry tried to reply to everyone. He would always be in jail. Although it would be nice to get a reply it more than likely isn't going to happen. So those people who think that "Justine Beaver" - never speak the true name for just like Candyman if you mention him they will come (The Beliebers & Spammers) - will tweet you back and fall in love with you then you are wrong. I would just take the whole celeb thing as if you get a reply enjoy it, but don't expect to be drinking champagne at the next Brit Awards because of your online friendship with Kylie Minogue.

Saying that there are a fair few Slebo's that will reply to their followers. The likes of Dame @WinceyWillis1 is a perfect example of a good slebo to follow. She replies to her followers, is down to Earth and up for a laugh, and takes all th TV-AM & Treasure Hunt talk in her stride. Same with @JakeCanuso (Matteo from Bendidorm) and @DerrenLitten (Benidorm writer) - they like twitter and interact with their followers. Even some of the bigger twit celebs like @Schofe and @RealMattLucas - who have thousands of followers will go out of their way to respond to people and follow them.

That doesn't mean that you still don't want certain celebrities to follow. Personally I would probably jizz everywhere if @CaitlinMoran or @EmmaK67 followed me - because I like their sense of humour and think I could have a good laugh with them. If it ever happens keep an eye out for my When Harry Met Sally style tweet. The person who tweets back with "I'll have what he is having" gets extra bonus points.

The #FML Brigade

This is a harder category to write about because it will probably sound like I am slagging these people off but I am not really. In a way they entertain me. For those of you who don't know #fml means "Fuck My Life" - I assume it is for when something bad has happened to you but not catastrophic. There are people on Twitter though who use it for literally anything remotely shitty happening.

Typical tweets from a member of the #fml brigade will read "The hair dye hasn't worked #fml" or "I didn't have enough money to buy a Twix #fml" or "Mrs Doyle has got her tits out in Shameless again #fml" - it makes me laugh because how does any of that fuck someone's life? I suppose it is the new way of being a drama queen but what would I know. I'm not a member of the #fml brigade at all#fml!


Hornbags & Gladrags

A very big category on my timeline at least. I get followed by loads of flirty followers ranging from the "You are cute" peeps to the "How big is your cock" ones. To be honest this is one of my favourite groups of people - how good is it when someone starts flirting with you. I like the banter you get with these people and the laughs you can have by flirting back. All right sometimes people can get a bit full on with the flirting but for the most part it is harmless fun and I say long may it continue.

Banter Buddies

This is probably my favourite catergory and the main reason I return to twitter again & again. I love it when you build up a twiendship with someone to the point where you feel comfortable with having a bit of banter with them. When it becomes acceptable to accuse of follower of having a little cock, or ask them to get their tits out for the lads, or make jokes about their age then you know that you have got something good. I reckon about 10% of my followers come into this category. They are the ones that you miss if they aren't online while you are or who miss you if you are not there. All of you will have Banter Buddies on Twitter so make sure you keep them because it would be a lot more boring if they weren't around.

Silence is Golden?

If you are like me you will also have a lot of followers who follow you but don't really tweet with you. I have had a few like this who never tweet me but list me in their #ff - this is good in the fact that they obviously like you enough to keep following but bad in that they are too shy to talk. Sometimes though, like during the Numbers Game that happened a few months ago, you will get an unexpected tweet and think "who is this tweeting me" which is worse in many ways because how do you respond them.

My advice to the silent types is don't be afraid to tweet with people more if you like them.

Telly Hashtaggers

Another cateogory I come into and another thing that makes Twitter for me. I love it when a lot of tweeters are watching the same programme and take the piss out of. I am a renowned telly hashtagger and any reality style TV show is fair game for me. I only really started this during the last Big Brother but it is one of my favourite Twitter pastimes now. Some of the hashtags I see have me literally LOLing and even ROFLing and on one occassion I was very close to even PMSL. Some of the masters of this genre are @Lkue @Maxative @Elphabob @WillHoe and of course @Dazgale - I recommend following them even if its just for their hashtags!




Anyhoos this is a shorter blog than last time and not as good in my opinion, but I suppose it at least takes a light-hearted look at Twitter and it helped me pass an hour of my time so it achieved something.

I could do with a new topic for my next blog so if you have any suggestions feel free to let me know. I will try to make it funnier than this one too. Also if you want to write a guest blog then feel free to do so and I will post it on here.

Adios
@Gazabell