Back To Life....Back To Reality (TV)

Hello you scrumptious little readers of blogs! It seems I have been neglecting you a big in the whole blogging stakes. Been a while since I last did one, but I know you are all connoisseurs of quality rather than quantity so I assume you don’t mind too much.

So why have I not blogged for a while? Why has my Tweeting levels dipped considerably? I have not been living with the indigenous Pygmy People of Mbuti, I have not been saving Whales, I’ve not be trapped in Louis Walsh’s Sexatorium. I’ve just had an epic year of stuff happening.

Firstly work has gotten a lot busier. I am a Civil Servant….or occasionally an Uncivil Servant if I am in a mood or lacking sleep… which to some might sound like a boring job. I quite like mine though. I have always been lucky in my role in that I have rarely been tied to a desk seeing a production line of people or processing paperwork. I have always been slipped into a nice niche (ooo-er missus) and have always enjoyed my job. Within the past 6 months my role has changed a fair bit and I am involved in a lot more than I used to be. I sometimes stay late to make sure I am well organised. This is unheard of for me, but I find that I don’t mind doing it. Of course this leaves me with much less time to tweet. Gone are the days when I did lots of outreach work and could basically tweet loads between appointments.

The second thing that has kept me away from Twitter has been my house which is “Lovingly” referred to as The House of Doom. I intend to do a full blog about this once I am back in the house, but basically I had a burst pipe in the attic which saturated pretty much the whole of my house. Since then I have had to move out, spent a week living like Alan Partridge in a Travel Tavern (well Premier Inn), followed by 2 weeks in my Mum & Dad’s Box Room hemmed in like a prisoner – those nights as @Gazabelljailed paid off there- and now I am in a temporary house for up to 6 months. My house is slowly but surely coming back together and in all honesty will probably look much better than it did before, but it has been a big upheaval and again has kept me away from blogging & tweeting as much as I used to.

As well as that throw in the usual of situations with family, friends, relationships, and just generally not being in the mood and that’s why you get a lack of hot, steamy @Gazabell action!

Don’t worry though we are heading into my prime tweeting part of the year. It is that time when Reality TV comes back to our screens with a vengeance, and that is what I like doing most of all. Taking the piss out of reality TV. We’ve just had #BGT which was ripe for the pisstake, but an even better event is on the horizon. Tonight sees the return of Big Brother to Channel 5. This is where you usually find the most deluded, arrogant, thick, people ripe to be made fun of. I’ve got to admit that I have not watched the last couple of series of normal Big Bro. I have with the celebrities but I think this year I will come back to the non-celebrities. I am basically going to spend today sharpening my claws, and doing Yoga in an attempt to free my mind from all distractions, and sit like a Guru of Bitchiness in preparation to unleash my tongue on the unsuspecting housemates (not in the good licky kind of way either!). Apologies if you aren’t a fan of Big Brother, but if you are following me then you should know by now that I do like a bit of pisstake telly and I will be polluting your timelines over the coming weeks I’m afraid!

Think that will do for a blog for now. I will try to make more of an effort to write them a bit more regularly now. So watch out for shameless plugs on my Twitter Feed!

In The Year Of Our Lord...

On 10^th September I reached another Milestone, celebrating a birthday that on the face of it doesn’t seem like that big a deal. It’s an odd number and one that you wouldn’t think twice about. I celebrated my 33^rd Birthday, please hold back those comments saying I only look 24 (a guy can dream!) because I don’t mind being this old. I know some people hate the thought of getting older but I very rarely feel my age. In my head I am about 23 – just about mature enough to cope with being an adult, but young enough to still think I can stay out partying all hours and living life as much as I can. It’s a good place to be in your head I can tell you.

Anyway you might be thinking “Why is 33 such an important age?”. Well the answer is, it isn’t really, but there is one bit of trivia which I keep telling people, which I find quite amusing and I am going to share it with you. I have now lived as long as Jesus did. Yep, if my GCSE Religion is anything to go by Our Lord died when I he was 33.

Don’t worry this isn’t going to be a blog comparing me to the Son of God. I’ll leave that to quartets of 60’s pop Scousers or the weirdo brigade (here’s looking at you David Icke!). In fact at first glance I am more like the opposite to Jesus. Not in an Antichrist kind of way, but in a kind of reverse miracle kind of way. I mean Jesus turned water into wine, and I often turn wine into “water” (but you wouldn’t want to drink it!). I’ve never given a Sermon on the mount, mainly because I have to concentrate on the thrusting. And I can’t raise the dead, in fact I sometimes struggle to raise a smile on some people. Jesus was Aramaic, whereas I am more Aromatic. You get the picture!

On the other hand I do have some things in common I suppose. Jesus was good with wood, and so am I (even if I do say so myself) though admittedly not the same kind of wood. Jesus got angry with the money lenders, and I too have exchanged some angry letters with Nationwide. Jesus fed 5000 people with loaves and fishes, and I make a mean Fishfinger Butty. Jesus liked spending time in the company of 12 men and…well this is a family blog so we best leave that one there :P

So like I say I have not done this blog to big myself up as a new Son of Man, I just thought I would dispel some myths about being in your thirties. For example it is still possible for you to party hard like you did in your twenties. Even now I manage to get out more weekends, drink enough alcohol to fell Boris Yeltsin, and strut my funky stuff on the dancefloors. True I normally wake up the next day with calves that are tighter than Tory Government public funding finance plan, and I feel the tiredness a lot more, but that is the only difference to a night out when I was 25. The expected aches and pains of old age have yet to make a proper appearance. I can still get out of low furniture without groaning. I still know who most of the latest pop stars are – you won’t hear me saying “Who is Nicky Minge?”

I think I can credit my youthful feelings to my enjoyment of life and the company I keep. I have been really blessed in that I have an amazing family, not just my immediate one, but my extended family, which is HUGE. I have lots of aunts, uncles, hundreds of cousins and we all get on well together and have a good laugh when we see each other. Seeing my older relatives enjoying themselves, having a laugh and joke, comparing illnesses (at some family parties it’s like Ailment Top Trumps!) but still dancing, singing & laughing makes me realise that I don’t have to be old before my time. If my 79 year old Nan is still laughing everyday then that’s the way I want to be.

I’ve also been lucky with the friends I have got. I don’t like to brag (ok well maybe a little bit) but I have lots of friends of varying ages, and I can honestly say I always enjoy being with them. I have mates who I don’t see for years, but when we meet up it’s like I saw them the previous week. I have closer mates who I see often, and again I am always guaranteed a great laugh whenever I meet them. And the best thing is they still keep coming. I’ve got mates from school, mates I met by chance on nights out, mates from work, and now (in these exciting times of Social Media) I have mates I have met online. Even with the people I haven’t met but know online, most my Twitter followers, I know I can always find someone to talk to, to have a laugh with, and to moan to if I am down.

So how can I end this blog? I think I could give you some of the wealth of my wisdom of how to enjoy life because it has always stood me in good stead. Let’s call them the Gazabell 7 Commandments (blimey we are back on religion again!) because I can’t be arsed thinking of 10

·         Laugh Every Day

o   It’s supposed to be the Best Medicine (Diabetics I would still stick to Insulin) and I think if you can find something to laugh about everyday then things can’t be all that bad

·         Take The Piss

o   Now there is a fine line between taking the piss in a vindictive nasty way, and doing it in a way to make people laugh without hurting someone. I think a bit of gentle ribbing is a good thing. You have to remember that if you are going to take the piss don’t do it nastily to their face, and always be prepared to take the piss out of yourself

·         Never Forget You Are Amazing

o   I don’t mean become an arrogant arsehole. I just mean that everyone is special in their own way. Some people can’t see it in themselves so tell them if they can’t. Nobody is worthless so never think you are

·         Have Something To Look Forward To

o   Always have something in the pipeline that you want to do. It could be meeting up with friends, planning a holiday, organising a night out, taking the cat to get it’s claws clipped or playing Volleyball with Nuns. Things are always better when you have something to count down to.

·         Say Something Nice

o   I might come across as a piss-taking cheeky fucker, but I do have a nice side and I always try to make an effort to say something nice to a least one person a day. A little thing like that could make a big difference to your day.

·         Don’t Be Scared To Be Impromptu

o   Some people don’t like coming out of their comfort zone, but often the best way to have fun is to do something you haven’t planned, something unexpected. I have no plans for today, but if I wanted to I could make a video of me dressed as Sir Lancelot singing “Oh What A Knight”. I could run up and down the street waving a scarf over my head. I could ring Dame Wincey Willis and quote every line from the film Short Circuit 2. I’m not going to like, but I like the fact that my mind can come up with these things and I can do them if I want.

·         Follow Gazabell

o   I can’t guarantee to be funny all the time, or even any of the time, but I do try to give it my best shot. If I say something you like don’t be scared to Retweet it, because like most Tweeps a RT or a Favourite is like cocaine mixed with Jaegerbombs washed down with Pepsi and vodka and ecstasy (in short very addictive!) and once you have had it you just want more more more. Don’t be scared to give me a shoutout either. I would like to hit 5000 followers at some point (I’ll feed them with Tweet-sized loaves & fishes). You don’t just have to follow me on Twitter though. You can find me on Tumblr, Path, Facebook, Instagram, Dailybooth & probably anywhere else you care to look, so feel free to follow me or spread the word.

I think that should be enough pontificating and spreading a quick array of utter bollocks into your life for now anyway so Here Endeth Todays Lesson.

@Gazabell

Boots & Cats! Boots & Cats!

Sound the fanfare! Set off the fireworks! Toot your horn (easy now!) and let out a huge HURRAH! For it is that time again! We have reached another Britain's Got Dance Acts & Lots Of Singers but No Real Variety Final. It doesn't seem that long ago until Scottish Sex Siren, Susan Boyle, put Britain firmly on the map to show that not only do we have the sexiest women on the planet, but we also know how to shake our hips at middle aged men and can knock a tune out if we want to. Since then we have had a succession of successful singers and dance groups that have won the competition. I can't name them all off the top of my head mind you but I am sure they are very successful even so. 

Tonight (well unless you are reading this much later!) we will see 6 singing acts (no its not XFactor even though it might seem like it!) take on 3 dance acts & 1 synchronised swimming act proving without a doubt that variety is not dead (unless you are a comedian, magician, bell ringer, impressionist, trampolinist, big spinny hoop person, martial arts act, pianist, contortionist, ventriloquist, puppeteer, laser harpist, or pan wearing Dalek Impersonator). 


As I type this the Judges are getting their 2nd coat of Cuprinol and their teeth Tip-Exed in preparation for tonight. While they are doing that I will once again use my position at Syco as Simon Cowell's hairstylist to give you some backstage gossip, just like I did about Jean Martyn & Frankie Cocknocker when they were involved with the company. So without further ado let us see what we have in store for tonight:-

Ashleigh & Pudsey

We British love our pets and so it is no surprise that we have a dancing dog in the final this year. She has also brought a canine with her and is a hot favourite to win, as people go wild over seeing a little dogging walking around on 2 legs groping the hips of a woman, while Simon Cowell will be smiling like a gurning fool because he is really really into bestiality. They will be dancing tonight to 90s classic Doop by the band Doop.

Aquabatique

A Saturday night full of wet women eh? A Typical Saturday night for any woman who spends time in my company ;) But these women aren't just ordinary women - no they are women who can keep their mouths shut for more than two minutes! A rarity nowadays eh lads? lol. These women have taken their inspiration for life from the movie Splash staring Daryl Hannah and have set plans in motion to grab a man and make him live under water with them forever. Yes even the woman with the odd shaped boobs. I doubt they will win today but they will there to give the men something to look at to balance up for the women perving off Jonathan. They will be swimming to the song Under The Sea

Jonathan & Charlotte

Porcelain faced sex god Jonathan breezed his way into the finals bringing his chubby singing partner along with him for the ride. Little is known about him apart from her spends 12 hours a day masturbating over Charlotte's Facebook page and spends at least 3 hours a day singing very loudly in an Operatic Voice at full pelt in a tramps face. Rumour has it that this is his second crack at stardom so he will have an experience factor that others won't.....

 Rumour has it that they will sing an operatic version of 1993 No1 Hit Mr Blobby

Kai and Natalia

I can think of literally nothing vaguely amusing to write about this duo, which sort of suggests that I find them a bit boring, even though they are good at what they do. I think they have Strictly No Chance of winning. They are dancing to the theme tune from Blockbusters

Loveable Rogues

They might be Loveable Rogue who are highlighting just how sexy a musical instrument the Ukulele is but using my mums very stringent rule that anyone who wears shoes & trousers without socks is a pervert I'm afraid I won't be supporting them. I may have a go at writing my own song about real life things. If it's about things I am into then it may well be calling the Drinky Wanking Song! :)  Loveable Rogues will be singing another self-penned song about real life called Simon Offered Us A Record Deal If We Suck Him Off

Molly Rainford

Now I know it is not considered good form to berate children, but fuck it I am going to. I really don't like the child acts on BGT. They are always very mediocre but because the producers are scared that they will break down and cry like that Adelweiss kid a few years ago they get comments comparing them to Mariah Carey and told they are excellent. If anyone was watching the semi-final that this child was in they would have heard the same slow, boring, slightly off-key dirge I heard? If Molly wins I might have to go on a King Herod style spree to ensure that in a decades time we are not still listening to pointless child acts. She will be singing a very slow version of When I'm Cleaning Windows by George Formby

Nu-Sxool

Paedophiles dream act, Nu-Sxool, have probably been the most subtle in getting their sob story across. Not for them are tales of bullying, discrimination or growing up on the wrong side of the ghetto. They have made their barrier obvious in their spelling. It is obviously a school for Dyslexic people who's only outlet is Dance! It's like a modern day Fame in the making. Saying that although they will be good I don't think I will be as big a fan of their act as Gary Glitter will be. They will be dancing to the original Grange Hill theme during which David Walliams will run on with a sausage on a fork.

Only Boys Aloud

Discrimination still lives on as this womanphobic choir who only allow boys into their singing world reach the finals. Unlike "New School" these did try to use a sob story to get to the final by saying they were bullied. They are Welsh though so what do they expect???? I'm surprised that any bully would want to attack them with their slightly creepy looking Choirmaster protecting them from behind the bushes. I wonder if they will wear their ever so trendy White Shirts & Blue Jeans Summer Bay High uniform tonight? They are singing the Home & Away theme tune.

Ryan O'Shaughnessy

The man with the surname that Dec seems to have a lot of trouble pronouncing (WTF is O'shopmessy?) managed to wangle his way into the final after escaping from the clutches of The Voice Ireland (God knows who the judging panel is on that show? Dana, Daniel O'Donnell, one of the Nolans and probably Kian from Westlife I reckon) and writing two of his own songs (they wont be as good as the Drinky Wanking Song though!). Poor Ryan, despite having Teeth that make Cowell stiffer than a 5 week dead corpse, and being a very talented song writer, has still not been able to get the girl of her dreams to open her legs...I mean heart... to him. He is not too concerned about winning tonight, but rather capturing the love of his life. Maybe when he sings his new ballad "I've Never Seen A Big Bushy Fanny Before" she will finally cave in and hook up with him.

 Sam Kelly

Named after the esteemed actor of Porridge, On The Up and Barbara fame, Sam took to music so he could earn enough money to get his other arm tattooed. He wants a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine on there and a picture of Alicia Dixon noshing off Simon Cowell. He hopes to win tonight with his cover version of Snooker Loopy by Chas & Dave.

The Wild Card!

Don't forget we also have a Wild Card act in the final! Will it be Pissed & Twulse Junior? Will it be The Fix....erm I mean The Mend. Will it be Billy George and his giant hoop (I thought I had misheard it at first and it was Boy George who I believe also has a big hoop)? 

I personally hope that it is none other than the sexiest winky organ manipulator on the planet....

We can but live in hope! 

Failing that maybe this chap could go on and sing The Shoop Shoop Song in the style of a Dalek? 

There you go with your guide to the Britain's Got Talent Final 2012. Hope it gave you at least a bit of a chuckle and if not tough shit I'm no David Walliams.

Catch you on Twitter

@Gazabell

PS: I don't hate children, the Welsh, the Irish, singers, dance acts, Simon Cowell's teeth, women, men, Orangutans or hoops. I do hate Jedward though.

Gazabell's Got Talent

Now before you think I have gone all big headed I need to tell you that it is not me who has written this blog. It was done by one of my followers to make me laugh, and laugh I did. A lot! Since I checked with him and he is happy for me to post it on here you will all get the chance to read the funny Press Release he has written about me. I think writing this for me deserves a BIG SHOUTOUT so if any of you aren't following @mrtomsimpson then I suggest you start right away!

Without further ado - let me present his work!

TOMS NEWS 28^th September 2011

BGT AXED IN SHOCK MOVE!

High waisted, botox faced Simon Cowell, 64, has announced the cancellation of Britain’s Got Talent next year, due to the fact that one man on Merseyside is so multitalented no one else can compare. Nobody can be that good I hear you cry, well …………………….

Fresh faced, cheeky, charming, Gary Bell, 27, of Liverpool (pictured right) is so full of talent that it is a wonder to most people how he hasn’t spontaneously combusted in his young life.

His talents include: gold medal standard alcohol consumption (much like the handsome Tom Simpson or glamorous 1980s starlet Wincey Willis). The ability to turn an everyday general conversation into filth, a prime example of this would be his response to this innocent statement, “I’m rummaging through my drawers, I hope I succeed, as the last time the knob came away in my hand” his reply of “lucky ceed, he’d come off in my hand anytime” goes to show his outstanding ability to see the smut, in a good clean sentence. His grasp of the English language is amazing, he loves using alliteration, metaphors, similes and onomatopoeia. Evidence of this can be heard during his infrequent twadio shows broadcast to the nation, his Liverpool tones are strong but he has the talent to use them eloquently and concisely. Friends have commented on his sensational cake baking skills, so marvellous in fact that the said friend had to savour each mouthful and it took several hours to consume one slice, he equally has excellent meat eating skills (he‘ll never give up hot pork sausages). Mr Bell even has the know how to develop his own self proclaimed method to spank a bare arse, which amazingly causes the recipient no pain whatsoever, just satisfaction for both parties involved. His woodwork skills are second to none, as you probably expected, what he can’t do with a length of solid hard wood is no bodies business.

You will undoubtedly have heard of Elton John, Cee Lo Green and Rod Stewart, but once Mr Bells singing is unleashed on the public they will all pale into insignificance due to Gary’s incredible vocal range and breathing techniques. He also boasts expert dance skills, so good that the Channel Four seven dwarves copy his dance moves step by step on their weekly docusoap.

Another talent Mr Bell uses on a regular basis is his strong mind and body, he doesn’t need ‘wimp’ breakfasts, just mid morning cheese based snacks and water to power through his high powered job using the latest technology to seek out careers for clients. He has won awards due to his strong work ethic and his commitment to his punters. He has so many more talents, but this article unfortunately has a word limit and I have stroked his ego sufficiently, however Mr Bell is so modest about himself that he leads a relatively quiet life, he avoids publicity at all costs and would never shamelessly advertise or shout about the wonderful gifts he possesses.

So attention all singers, dancers, impressionists, broadcasters, organ fiddlers, cake bakers, heavy drinkers, expert spellers and blue comedians, you are now redundant in Great Britain but try one of the international version talent shows, they’re always on the look out. Britain only needs the one and only G Bell.

The newspaper has also learned that the oxford English dictionary is set to remove the word talent from all publications from this point on. The word talent will be replaced with gazabell, here are some examples:

“oh my, you are so gazabelled” (talented)

“That is a good gazabell to have” (talent)

“You are multi gazabelled” (multitalented)

Unfortunately for the vast majority of the british public Mr Bell does not make many public appearances.

He can be found though, at the highly exclusive ‘royal’ twartys (strictly invite only) occasionally at tweet ups (by appointment only) but every evening, give or take real life events, he can be found on twitter, come join the fun, just remember that he is so multigazabelled that it may make you feel unworthy of his company. I though, can guarantee you that he is a jolly nice man, who’s large amount of gazabell doesn’t make him bigheaded in the least.

© Tom Simpson productions MMXI LOL all rights reserved