Who is she? Who is she?

We as a nation are obsessed by our celebrities. I don’t know why it happens and I don’t know why we take such an interest in them. Actually I do. It’s because, at the end of the day, we are all a bunch of right nosey bastards. That’s why when reality television really kicked off about 15 years ago it was only a matter of time before we got celebrity versions of shows. It’s all very well watching “normal” (i.e. Fame hungry wannabes) people in these shows, but what we really want to see if people we think we know, and with most celebrities we do think we already know them, and the TV Producers knew that and decided that Celebrity Versions would draw us all in. Do you know what? They were right – we love to see people get humiliated in this country; we love to see people out of their comfort zones doing things that they don’t like doing, and that’s why we keep watching these shows.

Of course the TV Producers do stretch the word “celebrity” to almost breaking point, as we shall see later on in this blog, because there is no way that someone whose career is going well is going to wank a pig, eat a kangaroo dick or subject themselves to high definition Bruce Forsyth (rumoured to be akin to a testicle with a face), but no matter what, each time these shows come on and we sit there looking at the screen saying “Who the fuck is Aggro Santos?” and “How does failing your driving test so many times make you famous?” we will still tune in to the human circus that is Celebrity Reality TV.

If you are reading this just as I have written it (don’t worry I will be plugging it like a Dutch boy with a finger in a dyke) then you will know that Channel 5 (or is it just Five now?) have graced us with “Celebrity” Big Brother 2012 (a mere 5 months after the last one?). If you are reading it months or years later then (A) what took you so long?, and (B) I told you [insert name of winning celebrity] would win it didn’t I? If you are watching it then you will already know that a show like this is made for Twitter. If you read the Hashtag #cbb then you will get to see some very funny tweets about the show from the witty & urbane Tweeps on there. I will certainly be joining in the tweeting (@Gazabell or more likely if I overtweet @Gazabelljailed) and I suggest that you do to, because it is a lot of fun.

If you have never watched a reality TV show before I suggest that you watch this. These “celebrities” are really just people who obviously need some exposure, have got fuck all to do, or got offered good money – no matter how many times they say they wanted the experience, needed a break, or just wanted to have fun. You may not know who the “celebrities” are in this series (I must admit I had to look up a couple of them) so I have done you a handy guide to help you out….

Andrew Stone

This poor man’s Lionel Blair is a self-professed Triple-Threat, which seems to mean is a Twat, Fuckwit & Cunt, and apparently people who like him call him the “Starman” (i.e. he & he alone calls himself “Starman”). He ‘shot to fame’ by being on that show with Louis Spence, where he was out camped, out danced & out-liked by the middle-aged twisty lispy juggernaut. However, he is apparently the Cream that rises to the top he claims, though it looks like the cream has curdled and now smells of sick. Nevertheless this straight as a slinky gobshite thinks he is in with a shot of winning. He will be lucky to outlast Frankie Cocknocker.

Denise Welsh

She might look like Eddie Izzard in drag but Denise has the drinking ability of Oliver Reed. According to my mum Denise is a renowned “Slaaaaaaggg” and it must be said that from what I have seen of her she makes your average cougar look like a nun, though you get the feeling that she is just playing up to this image. Denise is will mainly spend this series looking for booze, drunkenly coming onto anyone with a dick (watch out Sonia!) and flashing her middle-aged tits at anyone who glances at her

Frankie Cocknocker

Neglected Ewok lookalike & spotty Herbert Frankie is listed as an “Entertainer” on the official Big Brother Facebook Page. I didn’t know that spreading various STDs around was quite so entertaining, but apparently it is. Despite looking like he has not had a wash for 3 years, and he is wearing a back-to-front wig, this squashed face young clapbag will probably stay in for a fair bit, as apparently teenage girls nowadays like nothing better than being biffed by a green discharge ridden dick with the promise that they can have their name tattooed on a bum. It has to be said that I am not a fan of this person, as I have already mentioned in a previous blog. This may become apparent in my tweets.

Gareth Thomas

Old faced 37 year old Gareth likes nothing better than having his face in pair of big hairy meaty thighs, a man behind him & grabbing odd shaped balls. Oh and I think he played Rugby or something. I don’t think he will face any homophobia in the house because he looks like he snap anyone he wants to in half in there, and in all probability he will be a favourite to win.

Georgia Salpa

Beautiful Georgia is beautiful, and is famous for…..erm being beautiful. Possibly the biggest contender on this years “Who the fuck is that?” scenario is this beautiful woman, who despite being beautiful, is apparently most famous for modelling underwear. No wonder nobody recognises her face, which is beautiful of course. She will spend her time in the house being beautiful and talking in some kind of Is it/Isn’t it Irish accent but nobody will be listening to her anyway, just staring at her because she is beautiful. She will be lucky not to get an STD of Frankie Cocknocker.

Kirk Norcross

No show of 2011/2012 would be complete without an appearance by somebody off TOWIE. Because nothing draws in ratings like a “celebrity” off a show which is only shown on ITV2 (a station that gets fewer viewers than 5) and is watched mainly by morons who like their shows faked to within an inch of their life. Expect such catchphrase gems to be heard as “shut up” “Reem” “Ufkefafka” “In da blingo” and “Woppelychoppely” (please note I don’t watch the show and have taken liberties with some of these catchphrases). These reality shows always have a loveable rogue – this is your one for this year, so he will probably go far.

Kristina & Karissa

These pinch-nosed, odd-faced 'glamour' ladies are basically famous for shagging an octogenarian man. These twin Playbunnies are models apparently and are supposed to drive men mad with desire, but I think by the end of their stay you can take the words “with desire” out of the equation. As far as sex appeal goes they are outdone by at least 2 of the other women, maybe even Natasha Giggs and at a push Denise Izzard (sorry Sonia), but they have the potential to be more annoying than those Irish fuckwits Twit & Twat (is that even possible?).

Michael Madsen

Gravel voiced American, Michael, drinks petrol and gargles shards of glass to get his husky voice. He must be a renowned exposer, because a lot of people said to him “Free Willy” but we will have to wait and see. He is the most likely person to not have a fucking clue what is going on in the house, and will probably leave after a few days.

Natalie “Sonia” Cassidy

Trumpet loving, Transvestite look-a-like, Sonia has gone into the Big Brother house because she needs the money. When not rubbing it in people’s faces that she brought out a fitness DVD, creamed all the money, & then put her weight back on, Sonia likes to call people “Babes” in an attempt to annoy them. To be fair though I think she has got a good chance of winning the show, as she seems to be down to earth. She will do herself lots of favours by ragging Nicola McClean around the house.

Natasha Giggs

Yes it has come to this. Apparently nowadays you qualify as a celebrity if you have shagged someone famous. Watch out Celebrity Big Brother 2013 I’m coming to get you, because I once had a night of passion with Grotbags, and went to a very interesting party with Michael Barrymore……erm which I am not allowed to talk about. Natasha basically got nobbed by her brother-in-law which was in the papers – ergo she is now a celebrity. I don’t expect her to be in the show long.

Nicola McLean

Big tits, giganto jugs, massive mamms, Nicola was not content with having one shot at reality TV fame in I’m A Celebrity….. It seems that being less popular than 80s sadcase & extremely unlikable twat, David Van Day, has driven her to have another crack at getting herself 5 more minutes of fame. Nicola is sure to win the viewers over by bragging about all her money, jewellery and going on about the fact that she is a mother CONSTANTLY. She would be better off keeping her mouth shut and sitting there with her norks out for 3 weeks.

Romeo Dunn

Frank Bruno sound-a-like Romeo is a rapper, and is especially good at doing those fiddly little bows and those little tags you get with the paper. Hohohohohoho just my little joke, he was a member of So Solid Crew, which leads me to question how solid you actually are if you have to have the back up of 20 other people? He would be more solid if he only had 5 people to back him up in a fight surely? They ain’t so solid to me! Romeo is hoping to last a while because the last time he was on telly it only took him 21 seconds to go.

Annie Thing

This is the one contestant I couldn't find something out about. I am not really sure who she is, but it is possible that she also goes under the name of Annie Pointers, Annie Tips, Annie Way, Annie Ofthem, Annie Love, Annie Makeup. Whoever she is Brian Dowling mentioned her lots, but I have yet to see her in it, and I don't think we even saw her come out to be honest. I am going to keep on watching though, just in case we see this mysterious Annie!

So that’s it people – your cast of characters for Celebrity Big Brother 2012. I would say whether you like reality TV or not it is definitely worth a watch to see how it goes, and if you are watching I really recommend you keep an eye on Twitter too on the #cbb hashtag - some of the people who tweet about it make the show much more enjoyable, and I think that even if you don't like it you will still get a bit of a laugh out of it :)

If you decide to watch it then enjoy the show, and if you don't well at least you read this and that made it worth my time watching it.

Peace Out

@Gazabell

Frankie do we remember you?

So it's official then! STD ridden, neglected Ewok look-a-like Frankie Cocknocker has been kicked out of the X-Factor for breaking one of the "Golden Rules". Is it terribly rude that I am glad he got kicked out. Not just the fact that he can't sing. It does my head in that he is bigged up as a party animal. If he is a party animal I must be like Oliver Reed!

Anyway you are probably more intrigued by the words "Golden Rules" and I can reveal the answers to you. As you may remember I work for Simon Cowell and can give you the inside story from SyCo about these mystery "Golden Rules". There are 10 of these said rules which vary each year and they are to be strictly adhered to at all times or the Wrath Of Cowell ("Cooooooowwwwwwwellllllll") will descend up you. These very strict rules or "Cowell Commandments" this year are, in no particular order:-

1. Thou Shalt Not Leave Your fetid cock discharge on Tulisa's pillow
2. Thou Shalt Not put Dermot's suits on a shrink wash
3. Thou Shalt Not out Louis Walsh
4. Thou Shalt Not swap Craig Colton's slimfast for protein shake
5. Thou Shalt Not hide one of Kitty Brucknell's eyebrows
6. Thou Shalt Not call Kelly Rowland "an annoying fucking c*nt" y'all
7. Thou Shalt Not wear your wig back to front
8. Thou Shalt Not claim that Steve Brookstein was the greatest ever XFactor winner
9. Thou Shalt Not call everyone RACHEL ADEDEJI in the style of Peter Dickinson
10. Thou Shalt Not get "Dawn Barlow" tattooed on your arse

If you can manage to stick to all of these commandments then you have every chance of reaching the final. At least now we don't have to worry about all these teenage slags who want to get poked by Frankie's green, blistered, dick voting for him. To those that did vote for him because you thought he was fit I say to you that this is what you could expect to see in the future

Bitchin' in 'Beefa

I was tempted to call this blog, what I did on my holidays by Gary Bell aged 32 and a bit, but I did not have to write this on my first day back in Primary School with what I used to call “September Hand” – you know that feeling you used to get when you had a whole 6 weeks off school and couldn’t hold a pen when you first went back. Instead I have opted for the title Bitchin’ in ‘Beefa because – well I went to Ibiza, and I did a lot of bitching. If you are a regular follower of mine then you will know that apart from my legendary shafts of wit (not a spoonerism) and my unbridled flirting (me flirt??) that I am rather fond of nicknaming people and taking the mickey out of them. Well you might not know this but in real life I have a female equivalent who just happens to be one of my best mates in the who world, and it was her, Roz, who I went on holiday with. As a result I think nearly everyone on holiday was given a nickname of some sort – why bother learning real names when you can let your mate know who you are talking about with a nice nickname. This might take a while so I will introduce you to the cast of characters:-

The Hotel Guests

The Proclaimers
This is standard procedure for me – if I meet 2 Scottish people at the same time they are always called the Proclaimers if they are the same sex, or the Krankies if they are different sex, unless they can be defined by some other Scottishness (as you will see). Well this nickname didn’t stick as it turned out that the 2 Scottish girls we talked to first were part of a group of 4 – we still called them The Proclaimers, but only because they were too nice to give any proper nickname to. You can follow one of the proclaimers on Twitter if you want – the lovely @leisurelyshoes

Kerplunk (aka Scotty Dog, aka Moppatop, aka Spongebob, aka Snoop Dog)
This was Scott, who was from New Zealand, and was travelling the globe. He has natural curly hair which is why we called him Moppatop, but his best nickname became Kerplunk after a night out when we all put straws (especially one of the Proclaimers who took a big handful off the bar) into his hair turning him into human Kerplunk. He got his SpongeBob nickname because as he was travelling he didn’t want to spend money so mooched of the Proclaimers one night.

Hamish McBeth McDougal McScotland McEngland McIreland McWales McTavish (aka Harry Potter)
He was another New Zealand traveller who had the most Scottish name ever – his name was actually Hamish Scotland McTavish – yes his middle name was Scotland! All the other Mc’s came from my “hilarious” attempt at making him sound more Scottish. He had an uncanny resemblance to Harry Potter when he had glasses on too!

Taggart (aka “For fucks sake is she off again the noisy bastard”)
This was a very Glaswegian woman who took great pleasure in saying the word “Murrrrrrderrrrr” like on Taggart hence a very easy nickname to have. She was also pissed most of the holiday, up at 8am and went to bed at 4am by the noise coming out of her. She was quite funny though – she told us that the barman tried to fob her off with a weak vodka so she said “oh crafty c*nt put some bleedin vodka in tha” which he did, only for her to find it too strong to drink. She was really loud though – so loud she made me sound like a Trapist Monk (this may be an exaggeration). I assume her husband was deaf.


The fella who looks like that c*nt who stole the eggs in Jurassic Park
This is a bit of a Ronseal nickname, but it was one of my favourite just because of how long it was. For those of you who haven’t seen Jurassic Park you won’t get this at all, but I mean the man who cut off the power to steal the eggs. This man was from Middlesbrough, and got over the problem of dealing with accents by talking really loud to the person 2 foot away from him.

Old Magnum PI and The Slow Olympian
Old Magnum PI basically looked like Tom Selleck in another 25 years time. He has a lovely luxuriant moustache and was a nice bloke. We called his wife the Slow Olympian because it used to take her about 25 mins to walk the toilet and back, and she would look like she had run a marathon when she got back, all this while about 4 or 5 people would have whizzed the toilet.

Rod Stewart & Red Rum
This was a woman who had the exact same hair as 80s Rod Stewart – we had a little side game with her of if we were near her at the bar or restaurant we had to hum or whistle a Rod Stewart song. Her husband was called Red Rum for the simple reason that he had bandages over his legs.

Big Fat Fucking German Stefan Dennis & his break dancing wife
It was Roz who named Stefan Dennis because he looked a bit like Paul Robinson from Neighbours and because she took a dislike to him because he kept on stirring at her. He stopped when I gave him the fingers one night though. I named his wife because while Roz & I were at a restaurant at the bottom of the stairs of the hotel they came down one night and she fell down a small step and managed to do a 180 degree spin on the floor like a break dancer.

The Scanners
Two posher women who may possibly have booked the wrong holiday, and who spent most of the evening scanning people up and down.


Little Hoffman
This was a teenage lad, who may not have been a full shilling, as he spent most of his days in the pool counting REALLY loud to 3 then going under water before coming out of the water making a noise like a whale blowing out its blow hole. We called him Little Hoffman because he had a touch of the Rain Man about him “oh ohhh forty matches forty matches fly Quantas”.

Clio/Picasso/Fiesta/Saxo
The young girl called Kia who we invariably named after any other brand of car

Frauline Patsy
This woman was a German who was constantly pissed. I don’t mean nicely drunk I mean Tramp drunk! She was stagger past us in the same white jeans every day looking like she didn’t have a clue what was happening. She had a look of a woman we work with Patsy so that’s where she got her nickname from. I used to call her Nut Brittle because she looked like she lived on bar snacks alone.

The Bidets
A couple who told us a funny story about the woman’s dad thinking a bidet was a foot washer

Bella Emberg, Miss Piggy & the man who needed an operation to get his clothes removed
These only came during the last few days and the nicknames are pretty self-explanatory. We weren’t actually sure that Bella Emberg was born a woman – she had the most unusual body shape I have ever seen on a woman! The man who needed an operation to get his clothes removed actually just wore the exact same clothes every day.

The Sad Sloth
Was a girl on holiday with her mate who thought she was much better looking than she actually was, and who put me in mind of a sloth that was rueful over some lost moment.

The OAPaedofiles
An old couple who took pictures of each other in various poses around the pool

Sport Billy
Was a huge big fat man who put me in mind of when French & Saunders used to get dressed up as those dirty old men. We called him Sport Billy as he was quite energetic for someone so obese, and could regularly be found breathing heavily near the Table Tennis, Air Hockey or Pool Table

Herman Von Nasalhorn
A German who had a nasal flute – basically it was a piece of wood he stuck up his nose and played Happy Birthday on. He couldn’t speak a word of English so just said “Vunderbar” a lot. He couldn’t even play the A-Team theme tune on his flute!

Three-Eater
Another big piss head who spent all day & night near the pool. Called three eater because he only had 3 teeth.

The low resolution pensioner & her baldy fanny
This was a girl who from a distance looked like she was in her sixties, but in high definition (or close up as you might know it) she was only in her twenties or thirties. She sat opposite us one evening and it looked like she had a huge baldy minge on show, but it turned out to be an optical illusion made by her thighs.

The Staff

Big Belly Shrivel Dick
This was the bar man Toni, who affectionately (we think) used to call us Greedy English, tell us off for being noisy of a night, then be our best mate of a day time. He didn’t have a nickname apart at first apart from “Spanish Alan” because he looked like a man we both used to work with. However, when he saw Roz eating biscuits he told her to stop because she would end up with a big fat arse. After deciding that calling him “a cheeky fucker” wasn’t enough it was Roz who said she should have said to him “Oi big belly shrivel dick I’ll eat what I want” and the name stuck.

Lego Head
Another bar man and the tallest Spaniard I have ever seen. He looked like his hair was made of Lego and he could take it off and swap it whenever he wanted to

Jeeeeesusssss (aka Juan Sheet)
Not even a nickname – his name was Jesús (Heysus) – but it always sounded funnier if you just called him Jesus. He did look like Juan Sheet off the Bounty Adverts

The Innumerable Old Spanish Dwarves
The hotel restaurant seemed to be stocked full of very tiny old Spanish waitresses!

The Randoms

Heinrich Remover
A German we met a few times in one of the bars – he was a really nice lad who struggled with English until I taught him a bit of Scouse “De do dough dondee dough”. His name was Heinrich and originally he was known as Heinrich Manouver, but Roz got pissed on Cherry Coke Cocktails & drunkenly called him Heinrich Remover & that stuck

Markus The Sex Pest
Heinrich’s mate who was pissed the 2nd time we met him and was all over one of the Proclaimers until he eventually got dragged away by Heinrich.

Just Jackie & Her Cat Attracting Fanny
Scouse compare at one of the bars, with jokes she obviously stole from Pauline Daniels. The older people at the hotel loved her and went to her pub most nights. Me & Roz had a theory that she had some kind of vaginal problem as random cats seemed to follow her everywhere.

Satellite Belly Button
A very drunk homosexualite who took a shine to me, but who pissed me off because he was that bevied and loud during the day and I am only night time sociable when I am abroad. We don’t know if there was anything wrong with the belly button but it was huge! It was bigger than Eamon Holmes face!

The 10 Years Younger Klingon
A possible transvestibule that we saw in San Antonio, who looked like a botoxed Klingon who had been on 10 Years Younger.

Linda La Hughes
A woman who looked the spit of Linda La Hughes from Gimme Gimme Gimme – she had the exact same hair colour!

Mr Rumbold
The man who had big sticky out ears who I made Roz piss herself laughing over when I said “Go and grab those chairs near Mr Rumbold” – youngsters Mr Rumbold was a character in Are You Being Served?

The Speedofiles
A family of three who seemed very pleased to be all wearing speedos

Norman Wisdom & His Shadow
A drunk in one of the pubs who looked and had the same mannerisms as Norman Wisdom, and who in a strange quirk of nature or possibly a good angle was standing in the exact same position, as a black man just behind him with a hat on

_________

There were so many more but too much time has passed for me to remember everyone now unfortunately. I could make this blog much longer by telling you what happened but I will just give you some of my vague personal highlights:-

• Ring of Fire – which led to
o FANDANGO
o The Covered Eye Telling Off
o Hopping the bar
o Riding a pool queue around the stage
o Diving to the floor
• Pole Dancing – regularly
• Bucking Bronco
• @Leisurelyshoes hangover trip to San Antonio
• Toni saying Rebecca (a Proclaimer) was “dead behind the eyes”
• We Are The Children Of The Night
• The Transvestites visit Peppers 2
• The Old Woman Crying who was actually a bin bag
• Wee Zee’s attempts to get on a Lilo
• Rebecca’s attempts to dive
• Barbara’s turning an insult from an drunken Englishman into an insult to an Englishman
• The Lesbian show down
• The phantom snorer
• My sleeptalking promise to “Take Kate up the Matterhorn”
• The Biscuit Fingerer
• The sleeping Chinese man
• Chasing Roz around the pool table Benny Hill style
• Racing to get the seat facing people in the restaurants
• Farty cankles on the plane on the way out & home
• The fella who looked like the brother of the c*nt who stole the eggs from Jurassic Park having to empty his hand luggage on the way home.
• Saying Das Boot to every German I met as a greeting
• My mangled German version of 99 Red Balloons entitled Numfty-Numpf Red Ballomps
• Singing on Karaoke
• Fat Frogs & Cherry Cola cocktails
• The fitty behind the bar
• Shouting “CHOOOOOOONNN” whenever any old dance songs came on
• Getting a Scottish girl to check if a Transvestite stood up for a wee when he went the ladies
• @leisurelyshoes fuck off face when people got on her nerves
• The fit Burger King we had once my food apathy kicked in

____________________________

So much happened on that holiday in such a short time. All I know is that the weather was brilliant, the people I met were great fun and I drank so much alcohol it was unbelievable. I don’t think this is my best ever blog really but do you know what – at least I will look back on it in a few years and it should rekindle some memories. Maybe you will join me in a round of Numfty-Numpf Red Ballomps as I toast the weird & wonderful people who spent a week shouting “Gaaaaaaarrrrryyyy” & doing a *thumbs up* at me or being a victim of my piss taking ways.

Hasta Lluego Ibiza

@Gazabell

Being Taken Up The Orme

Here in the UK we don’t get sunshine all that often. Not proper good burn yourself sunshine like you might get in more exotic climates. We get our wishy washy sun most of the time and that is it. However, occasionally we get some really good hot sunny days and then it happens. Some animal instinct kicks in and we are aware that the concrete jungle is not where we want to be. We want the smell of the sea, the sounds of people moaning about being shat on by a seagull, and the aroma of greasy fish and chips wafting up our nostrils. This all happened to me two weeks ago when the sun starting cracking the flags and I felt the pull off the sea (well the fish & chips really) and felt a desire to visit the seaside.

Now I know most people think of Liverpool as a place where we spend our days roaming around in our shell suits, with a giro burning a hole in our pockets, telling people to calm down, whilst struggling to carry all of the hubcaps we have a compulsion to steal. While this is actually true for the minority we are actually a cultured place, famed for our music, football, comedy, and men who stop the rapture by wanking – and we are of course a costal city – and as such have some lovely beaches, with hardly any floating shit in the sea and proper sand, none of that gravelly shit they have in Tenerife!

However, I got a deeper yearning – a yearning to relive a bit of my youth – a youth where I spent my holidays in North Wales, places like Talacre, Rhyl, Betws-y-coed, Conwy and Llandudno. Now I have always been a big fan of the letter L, especially when it is next to another L (phwooaaarr) and so I decided my destination would be Llandudno. I called my mate Roz who was well up for going so I set off in the car and picked her up. Then she dropped her bombshell – she wanted us to climb The Great Orme – which in case you don’t know is a huge hill. Now I’m not really an exercise person but I’m prepared to give these things a go. Plus I knew that Fish & Chips would appear on the menu at some point during the day so I agreed we would – these words would come back to haunt me!


Anyway that was later on in the day. Firstly we got to Llandudno and I parked miles (realistically maybe a mile) away from the pier as we thought we would struggle for space so we set off on a nice leisurely walk to the pier. Two things hit us immediately – one that there were a lot of old people around (thus making me feel like a teenager) and two there is a shop somewhere that is doing a roaring trade in Beige clothing – I cannot believe how many people we saw wearing some beige clothing – in fact it became a bit of a game for us to try to take a picture of everyone we saw wearing beige. A game we had to quickly give up when Roz’s camera batteries were about to run out! There must have been hundreds of the Beige Brigade around!

Anyway after deftly avoiding some classic car show – with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in it! – and ignoring the screeching noise of Punch & Judy! We made it to the pier. Things haven’t changed on Llandudno Pier – there are still arcades, still go karts, still a fortune teller (who has inevitabley done readings for stars such as “TV’s Peggy from Hi-De-Hi, “Crossroads” Amy Turtle, “Singer” Arthur Mullard and “Comedian” Tom O’Connor) and the biggest guarantee of all – 3 shops selling lots of Country & Western cassettes/CDs who without a shadow of a doubt will have a tape playing either an obscure C&W artist or a set from an Irish Comedian you have never heard of, telling jokes your Dad would be ashamed to tell! It didn’t put us off though – we walked to the end of the pier taking in the sites – even pondering for a number of minutes why a man who was fishing off a 40ft concrete platform at the end of the pier would need to be wearing waders?!?!?!

Anyhoos we did the pier and The Great Orme was next on the agenda – now there was a problem that had developed during the course of the day – that problem was my trainers (or traineeeees if you are a fully fledged Scouser like me) - they were trying to slice my toes off. You see I had washed them in a hot wash in the machine and they had shrunk – so much so that I had lost feeling in one foot. We therefore had to do some impromptu footwear shopping. Do you know what I ended up buying the comfiest pair of pumps ever for £7 (God Bless Peacocks!) but this meant I was now ready for the challenge. There are a few ways to reach the top of the Orme – there are Cable Cars, buses, and a tram. We decided to walk. I thought it wouldn’t be a problem because as unfit as I am I can still walk for miles without any strain on me. However, this is a very steep hill (some might say [exaggerate] mountain) to climb. I was a quarter of the way up before we had to stop while I had my first heart attack. Not even halfway up when my 2nd heart attack came – though on this breathing break we were treated to a woman trying and failing to drive up the hill which caused much wheezy laughter from me. We carried on and reached the halfway point over looking the dry ski slope when I had yet another heart attack, before I was forced to carry on again. About 2/3 of the way up I needed another break as my lungs had now also ganged up on me. I was ready to give up when a family of 2 adults and 2 small children started STROLLING up the hill like it was a flat walk – I was forced to carry on. Every slope we got over I was assured we were right near the top – 5 times we crossed an horizon only to see another one up ahead.

To cut a long story short 6 heart attacks later we reached the top. What did we do while we were up there? Fuck all – had a drink, took some photos and then when I had my body back under control we headed down. Guess what – we took the tram! I thoroughly enjoyed this. Not least because there was a woman who looked the spitting image of Tubbs from The League Of Gentlemen on the tram with us.

Anyway we reached the bottom, and that meant one thing – fish & chips time! We went to a chippy that I was last in maybe 16 years ago and it was still exactly the same. It must have been a popular chippy because it was full of people…..wait a minute did I say people? I actually meant flies! But fuck it we were both starving & I had ordered the food so we took it anyway. Do you know what it tasted bloody gorgeous! We went to the beach to eat it, and apart from me threatening to punch a seagull in the face it was a bloody lovely meal.

It was nearing the end of the day & I had one ambition left! To write a rude word in stones on the beach. We set off back to the car and once we got there we set off to graffiti the ground [Note: to Dame Wincey you do not want to read this bit I promise you - look away now]. The graffiti started with a good laugh anyway as Roz fell over – me being the sympathetic man I am I of course did what any man would do. I pointed and laughed at her! Anyway she was ok so we collected our stones. I needed a word that described me – it was my day after all. I pondered it for about 30 seconds and I had it…….



I was strangely proud of my work…..for almost a minute until we saw a couple walking towards the desecrated ground. What did we do you might ask? What do you think? We ran away laughing leaving our new addition to Llandudno’s tourist attraction in tact for future generations to see!

So what about the aftermath of this brilliant day in Llandudno? Well the main thing was that I had sore Bnees for days (for those who don’t know what #Bnees are you need to look HERE) – but it was a great day –if you want to see some of the pictures of the day I suggest you look on my Facebook Page where there are a few pics of the day.

But for now I shall say Ffarwel

@Gazabell

Potato! A Peek In Louis Walsh's Closet

It's a bit late really, and I had planned on doing it during X-Factor, but I was being very sociable at the time (i.e. Getting pissed a lot) and never got around to it. So for my pleasure if nobody else's here is a blog on Louis Walsh

Fans of reality TV will probably best know the Leprechaun of Pop as a judge on music reality TV shows, cutting his teeth on Popstars in Ireland, and Popstars:The Rivals before becoming Simon Cowell's prank monkey on X-Factor. Louis is in fact also a manager of Pop Bands, who clients have included Boyzone, Westlife, Girls Aloud and ...grrrrr... Jedward! It is not for his managerial career that I am now going to character assassinate him (though the Jedward thing is an atrocity that should not go unpunished) instead I am going to tear him a new arsehole (which he would like) for his performance on X-Factor!

The last series just highlighted to me what an utter tool the man is. He has got the easiest job going honestly - he must have put some work into licking Mr Cowell's arse because I think anyone could replace Louis on the judging pannel - though to be fair it would take a special kind of fool to be the Louis of the group. I think I could teach any of you to be Louis though - so much so that you can just follow this guide below if you think you can be Louis!....

1. Wit & Humour
You would probably think that to be a judge on X-Factor you need these - not if you are being Louis. Cowell is obviously a witty, funny man and doesn't want that upstaged. Therefore he has beautiful women on the panel who are likeable by most people, but aren't as funny as him. Therefore to be Louis you need to have NO wit or humour. It is okay though because you can still try - Cowell will just talk over you, sweep you away with a swipe at your unconfirmed (LOL!) homosexuality and nobody will laugh with you anyway, just at you. A typical example...

Simon: "I don't know what Louis was thinking giving you 'Making Your Mind Up' to sing"

Louis: "I just picked your favourite song Simon" (cue no laughs)

Simon: "Shut up Louis - it will be YMCA next week with you" (cue laughs)

2. You Handsome Devil
Much like the sense of humour and wit this is not required at all. Flat-top, moob-laden, chisel face Cowell does not want the women looking at someone better looking than him. Cue potato-faced short-arse tub guts Louis to make Cowell look better. The thing is, much like Louis himself, you might resent this and try to make yourself look younger. If you wish to do this you will need to wear jeans with a striped shirt - walking with one hand in a pocket - and spike your grey hair into a ridiculously youthful hairstyle for a nearly 60-year old homosexualite. Better yet you can start dying your hair into a weird array of browny-grey colours ( Try L'Oreal colours Tawny Beaver or Stricken Stoat) to make you look like the ultimate Cunty-Haired Buffoon.

3. Nice Butt
To undertake your new role as the Louis of X-factor there is something else you should expect. You will become the butt of the jokes of the whole team. I'm not even talking about the verbal jibes that will be made against you by your fellow judges. I'm talking about the little things the production team will do to you. For one you will always get the shittest category

Dermot voiceover: "This year the production team decided to shake things up with the categories. They are now. 'Girls under 60', 'Boys Under 60', 'Groups' and 'Mentalists & People with Tourettes"

Louis: "I hope I get da boys"

Production Team: "Louis, you've got.....[pause for dramatic effect]........ 'Mentalists & People With Tourettes"

Louis: "I truly tink I got da best category"


That's not where it ends though. You will also be screwed over at Judges Houses stage. The production team will arrange for Simon to take his category to "his" house in LA, Danni will take her category to "her" villa in tenerife, , Cheryl will take her category to "her" Luxuary Apartment in Monte Carlo...where do you get? You get to take them to "your" bungalow in your own home town! Yet you will take all of this because you are fame hungry and love being seen on TV, even though the British public is really quite indifferent to you.

4. Britain's Got Talent
Ok you have put up with some shit to get this job, but you don't mind because it's all about the fame for you. Now you think you need to do all the hard work - don't sweat on it. Just put through everyone from your own country and anyone who you fancy. It is that easy - it's not about the talent really, just the story of the contestants.

5. It's Just a Phrase You Are Going Through
You might think that you need to be prepared to give feedback to the contestants on the show that is original and witty, but to be honest Louis has been able to get through 7 series by using and reusing the same phrases again and again. You might struggle here so what I have done is gave you Louis' phrase and translated it for you just in case you want to use them.

"You're tru"

- You have progressed to the next stage

"I want all of Ireland/Scotland/Wales/Liverpool/Manchester to vote for you"

- you have got no chance of winning

"It was fun & entertaining"

- It was shite but I have been lumbered with the worst category again

"You remind me of a young [Insert name of singer of same ethnic background] "

- I'm going to compare you to someone based on your skin colour rather than sound of your voice

"But Simon, da young people will love dem"

- these are annoying twats but I want to bum them.

"I hope you go all da way"

- I want to bum you

"I've championed ye from the start"

- I want to bum you

"Da girls love ye"

- I want to bum you

"I see you with a big future in the record industry"

- I want to bum you

"I want ye to make da final and want people to vote for ye"

- I want to bum you

"But Simon he is only 16 years old"

- I want to bum him

"Der's something missing for me"

- You are female

"You are tru to Week x/Quater-Final/Semi-Final/Final"

- I've used up all of my phrases tonight

And that is it. That is how you too could be Louis Walsh - its an easy job, but helps if you are a cunty-haired buffon. Are you the right person to be the new Louis?

Don't Forget The Key Change In The Final Fifth

A bit of a Gaelic themed blog for you today, as I pick on the Oirish or rather four Oirish people to be exact, namely Westlife. The laziest band in Pop. Anyone could form a band like Westlife, and I suggest you give it a try because you could end up being the next Louis Walsh, though probably not as much as a C**t and you won't have to dye your hair Stoaty Weasely Grey/brown.
To make your own Westlife you need to follow 5 simple steps.....

STEP 1 - "I have a dream"
To form your new band you need to find 5 decent looking lads, only one of which needs to know how to sing, though if you can find 2 you are set. To make your own Westlife you will need the following types though - the good singer with the strangely shaped head; the secret gay who loves singing and gets all emotional when he is singing about love; one who will struggle with his weight thus providing newspapers with enough fodder that you can keep your gay closeted for years; one who would like to be cute but actually looks a bit like a transvestite; and finally the best looking one who is unfortunately mute. Your new band members must now project an image of good homeloving lads who want to buy their ma a new house.

STEP 2 - "Fool Again"
Save yourself a bit of money and protect the fat singers life by NOT employing a choreographer. Invest in 5 stools (don't worry if one of them leaves to make it as a solo singer you can sell the stool on ebay - just keep all the packaging!) and then dress your singers in suits and have them sitting down in all their concerts thus disguising their woeful dancing skills. This saves even more money because you don't have to rent one of those rooms with a big mirror in it for them to practice or hire Louis Spence.

STEP 3 - "Against All Odds"
The hard part comes now, or does it? You have to have some songs that the public will like and want to buy, but the public are a fickle lot in the most part, so how do you know what they will like? Easy, just rob songs that have already been a top 10 hit and use your formula for making the song have that Westlife sound. Namely, the brief pause followed by a key change in the final fifth where you get the lads (well the two who do the singing) to give it some welly. Don't worry no one will cotton on that you do the same thing in every song until you have made some serious money. To improve your chances of having a hit get a struggling singer from the 80's who wants to promote a Greatest Hits album to duet with you. I'm sure Lionel Richie or Lulu will be available. If all else fails bring out a swing album, it worked for Robbie Williams after all.

STEP 4 -"Flying Without Wings"
Are you finding that you feel that the band is getting a bit stale? How can you spice it up? That's easy too. Encourage the one with the biggest ego to show his real self to the public, he doesn't want to be making sugary pop songs, he wants to prove to the world that he is a real muscian. Let him write a few songs, don't worry you can use them as B-Sides or put them at the arse end of the next album. With any luck he will want to go solo for more credibility - oh no that's a disaster - no it isn't for you - only for him! All you need to do is get the remaining four lads to tell the press that they bravely will carry on with Mr Ego! Time to bring out that swing album to keep the momentum going I think. If things still seem stale after this all you need to do is out the gay one. The press will go wild, the gay community will want to support their fellow gay, it's win win!

STEP 5 - "You Raise Me Up"
It's 10 years since the band have finally split up after their RnB album failed. They've all tried to move on - the good singer with the funny shaped head had a one-hit wonder and is still big in Japan; the gay one came third in Dancing on Stilts; the mute took up DJing, but only gets weddings now; the fat one was given an MOT by Dr Gillian Keith, who just by looking at his poo came up with a diet & he now weighs in at an almost svelte 13st; and the transvestite look-a-like became a judge on I'm In The Mood For Dancing, the show on a quest to find someone to play Berni Nolan in the musical about the Oirish Pop sisters. With all of their careers on the skids now is the perfect time to reform the group and ride a wave of late 90's/early 2000's nostalgia. Get the group on tour and you can even re-release the Greatest Hits Album, and even include that version of 9 to 5 that you had been saving for the winner of X-Factor 14. You don't even have to worry about having groups for supporting artists - Aqua and Louis Bega are gagging for the gig. Pocket yourself another few million squid! Well done - hell you might even get to be reality TV judge yourself - in fact I hear that Ben Elton has written a musical about Another Level and they want you to be the nasty judge!

And there you have it - you very own guide to being a successful Pop Manager -I promise you it's easy - in fact I''ll even 'Swear it again' it's EASY!