Even more puns:-
• I'm using wizard of oz bubble bath. There's no place like foam.
• You said I used to light up your life. Well I did always hold a torch for you.
• Electrical items make me really angry, but then again I always did have a short fuse
• That doctor was a bit cruel using sodium chloride to treat my injury. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound.
• They want me to come up with a sum using only the number 0 Nought will come of it.
• I went to a sexy party where people tried to grow plants in my arse. It was a bit seedy!
• I really really miss all those evergreen trees. I think I'm starting to pine.
• I heard some lovely music in the elevator today. It really lifted me up.
• I had a bowl of carpet cuttings for breakfast today. All part of my high fibre diet.
• Look at that fella who won all those cheese slices. The Krafty bastard!
• My boss told me he wanted to caress my buttocks with his lips! He can kiss my arse if he thinks I'm gonna let him do that!
• I was going to go play snooker, but there's a terrible cue.
• I promised to due all of the polishing every day. I'm sorry I took that pledge now.
• Some man in the park is throwing waterfowl at people! Quick DUCK!
• I think my boss thinks I'm fireproof? I'm sure i've just heard him say I'm retardant!
• I made a lot of money in glue sales, so I'm fairly solvent.
• Ike & Tina named their child after their favourite book. She's a real Paige Turner.
• I've just made some head lice from wool. Gonna call them Knits!
• My mum said she cant be bothered to fix the stitching on my trousers. The lazy sew & sew!
• I've just told a woman she's got a face like an open shop. That shutter up!
• I hate that man with a face like a teapot! Always spouting off!
• In work they made me carry so many belts that I started to buckle!
• I'm doing a telephone survey about collecting jewellery. If anybody is interested can they give me a ring.
• Our local gymnastics team have electrified the Horse, so I have to volt it now.
• Just seen a brilliant movie about sheet metal work. I was riveted!
• I've taken to snorting wasps for the high. Something about it really gives me a buzz.
• The Police want me to join their Duvet Division. I'm going undercover.
• What about this new lotion that is supposed to clean your hair & is made from human faeces! It didn't even work. It was a Sham Poo
• In the rubbish dump there was a huge pile of weighing machines that I felt I just had to climb. So I did and I scaled new heights.
• A girl in work left this week. She's a big Country & Western fan so we got her "The Best Of Dolly". It was a Parton gift.
• Somebody keeps ringing me & singing Prince Charming & Stand & Deliver down the phone. I keep telling him to fuck off.... but he's adamant. (Not one of my own but made me laugh!)
• I've decided that if I ever become a rapping politician I'm going to call myself "The Rhyme Minister"
• Help! I've fallen into a massive jar of vinegar and now I'm in a bit of a pickle!
• I've just accidentally drank some hair colouring! I could have dyed!
• My uncle has married an insect! I guess that makes her my Ant?
• What are those boats called that transport plasma? Blood vessels isn't it?
• Your eyes are absolutely beautiful! Sorry. Could I get any cornea?
• Do you know what makes me smile? A colon, hyphen and a close bracket symbol together.
• This enforced transvestism has really upset me. I'm in dis-dress!
• Oh streetlamps! You light up my life you know! <3
• I'm eager to enter the "Guess The Condiment" Competition. You could say I'm keen as mustard.
• Have you ever tried smoking a rodent? Man it made me really trippy. That was some bad skunk!
• My first film about frogs went down really well. I'm hoping it will spawn a sequel.
• I have invented a zip that you can pre-set to undo whenever you want them to. Gonna call them "Time flies"
• I've joint a cult that regards dripping & cooking fat above everything else. Praise The Lard!
• I've got a phobia of masonry. Every time I see some I start bricking it.
• I'd like to cut all the wool off a sheep with a huge pair of scissors! Just for the shear thrill of it.
• They've made some marvellous advances in boob jobs recently. I'm keeping abreast of the situation.
• I shouldn't have let them paint me indigo today. It's left me feeling blue.
• I stayed in that fungus hotel last night. It wasn't too bad, but there wasn't mushroom.
• They want me to go and harvest their crop of fibres! Now wait a cotton pickin' minute!
• Working in this Michelin factory doesn't half tyre me out.
• I need somebody to make these metal gloves I've designed. Any takers? I'm throwing down the gauntlet.
• I'm waiting for my communist VHS cassettes to be delivered, but there is a problem with export. Bloody red tape!
• I don't rate smoking pebbles! So much for getting stoned!
• Have you seen that man whose had his eyes replaced with potatoes? No? Keep 'em peeled then!
• They said I can have tomorrow off work because I cleaned all the toilets. Time off in loo I think they said.
• I've just been told that I won't get my next army promotion. That's a Major letdown.
• I did crap in the first hopping race, but I'm hoping to do better in the second leg.
• My Indian mate robbed all my clothes, so I robbed all of theirs. Who's Sari now?!
• So they have invented marijuana with ground up crustaceans in it. I believe it's known as Lobster Pot.
• I've read that they have translated the Bible into Cockney. Would you Adam & Eve it?
• I've just been complimented on the size of my one-eyed blinks I think. I'm sure I've just heard somebody say I'm a massive winker.
• I'm really annoyed with that fella who does the puzzles in the paper. I can see us having crosswords!
• Someone asked me if we can have the Union Jack on the wall in work. I'll have to flag it up at the next meeting.
• Lost some money on crab racing today, but managed to claw most of it back.
• The government are refusing to explain why they are shooting duvets into the sky. I think it's some kind of cover up.
• Gutted that I've had to sell my antique globe because I was desperate for cash. That thing was my world!
• That testicle juggling act did not go down well with the royal family. Somebody dropped a bollock there.
• I've been sweating cider recently. No wonder everyone says I've got Strongbow.
• I was going to replace all my own windows, but it sounded a bit of a pane to do.
• I'm a champion banana skinner. I always did think I would grow up to be a-peeling.
• The doctor is looking for volunteers for a "nasal epidermal cultivation" experiment. I might apply. It's no skin off my nose.
• Our love would be so special if it wasn't for your allergy to wax, because nobody can hold a candle to you.
• There's something going on in this light fittings shop, but they are keeping me in the shade.
• My dope-smoking mate said that all cows are obsidian really. That's the Pot calling the cattle black.
• What's that word for somebody who hates campanology? It doesn't ring any bells at the moment.
• I think I'd wear make up, but it would make me blush.
• There is something wrong with this machine gun. It's the repeater. It's the repeater. It's the repeater. It's the repeater.
Sunday, 8 August 2010
Punnilungus (Part 3)
Yet more punnage for your enjoyment:-
• I wanted to know more about spiders so I looked them up on the web.
• I've just seen somebody cripple a dromedary with a little plastic tube. I'm sorry but that's the straw that broke the camels back!
• NIPPLES! Sorry that was just something I had to get off my chest.
• I have a talent for naming things you can wear around your wrists. Quite often I can do it off the cuff.
• I've made the biggest Ice Cream in the World. It's going to be really hard to beat. It's gonna take some lickin'
• I'm going to win Security Product of the Year. It's a lock.
• If your an alibi for a Jehovah's Witness does that make you a Jehovah's Witness Witness?
• I love the mathematical symbol "less than 3"
• I've invented the one rung ladder. That will be my first step to greatness.
• I've just made some priests vestments out of a dishrag. I truly am a man of the cloth.
• They say Doctor Who has a very firm bladder. That's why he's been known to pert wee
• I've been throwing my watch up in the air for hours. My doesn't time fly.
• Just seen that Matt Smith. Who does he think he is? His predecessor was my landlord. Yes I was David's tenant.
• I really enjoy getting dressed up as a nun, but It's a really bad habit.
• I'm going to tell you a really long joke about a Grizzly now, but bear with me.
• I'm been put forward for an Engraver of the Year Award. I think I've got a good chance. It's not written in stone though.
• I've been sacked from my job in the photograph developers, but I'm not going to get all negative about it.
• Came home drunk late last night & fell asleep in the kennel. Looks like that's me in dog house again!
• I think I'm allergic to this job making caskets. I just can't stop coffin.
• If women have bras, shouldn't men have some kind of underwear top to wear. I have a vested interest in this subject.
• What about this kitten they have parachuted into Trafalgar Square. That will certainly put the cat amongst the pigeons.
• My Ford Fiesta is flooded! Looks like I'll have to car pool this week.
• I wanted to build something I could keep all my books on, but I've had to shelve the idea for now.
• That joke I just told the cloakroom attendant didn't go down to well. I'll get my coat...
• I'm super speedy when it comes to taking pictures. Quick as a flash you might say.
• If I caught any friends of mine on Heroin I'd give them a smack!
• I'm playing hide & seek and hiding in a bin. The only thing is I'm so excited I can barely contain myself.
• What is the Hulk's favourite potato substitute? SMASH
• The bottom of all the walls in this house have got cracks in them. I could cover them up, but that would be just skirting around the issue.
• The local Santa impersonator is absolutely rubbish. If I was his boss I'd be giving him the sack.
• Wind energy turbines - part of me wishes I was one but I'd be rubbish. Another part of me hates them. I suppose I'm not the biggest fan.
• They decorated the office, but have to wait a few days to finish it & asked me to keep an eye on it. It's so boring. Like watching paint dry
• I can't stand those people who treat me like a block of cheese. It really grates on me.
• I wanted to know more about spiders so I looked them up on the web.
• I've just seen somebody cripple a dromedary with a little plastic tube. I'm sorry but that's the straw that broke the camels back!
• NIPPLES! Sorry that was just something I had to get off my chest.
• I have a talent for naming things you can wear around your wrists. Quite often I can do it off the cuff.
• I've made the biggest Ice Cream in the World. It's going to be really hard to beat. It's gonna take some lickin'
• I'm going to win Security Product of the Year. It's a lock.
• If your an alibi for a Jehovah's Witness does that make you a Jehovah's Witness Witness?
• I love the mathematical symbol "less than 3"
• I've invented the one rung ladder. That will be my first step to greatness.
• I've just made some priests vestments out of a dishrag. I truly am a man of the cloth.
• They say Doctor Who has a very firm bladder. That's why he's been known to pert wee
• I've been throwing my watch up in the air for hours. My doesn't time fly.
• Just seen that Matt Smith. Who does he think he is? His predecessor was my landlord. Yes I was David's tenant.
• I really enjoy getting dressed up as a nun, but It's a really bad habit.
• I'm going to tell you a really long joke about a Grizzly now, but bear with me.
• I'm been put forward for an Engraver of the Year Award. I think I've got a good chance. It's not written in stone though.
• I've been sacked from my job in the photograph developers, but I'm not going to get all negative about it.
• Came home drunk late last night & fell asleep in the kennel. Looks like that's me in dog house again!
• I think I'm allergic to this job making caskets. I just can't stop coffin.
• If women have bras, shouldn't men have some kind of underwear top to wear. I have a vested interest in this subject.
• What about this kitten they have parachuted into Trafalgar Square. That will certainly put the cat amongst the pigeons.
• My Ford Fiesta is flooded! Looks like I'll have to car pool this week.
• I wanted to build something I could keep all my books on, but I've had to shelve the idea for now.
• That joke I just told the cloakroom attendant didn't go down to well. I'll get my coat...
• I'm super speedy when it comes to taking pictures. Quick as a flash you might say.
• If I caught any friends of mine on Heroin I'd give them a smack!
• I'm playing hide & seek and hiding in a bin. The only thing is I'm so excited I can barely contain myself.
• What is the Hulk's favourite potato substitute? SMASH
• The bottom of all the walls in this house have got cracks in them. I could cover them up, but that would be just skirting around the issue.
• The local Santa impersonator is absolutely rubbish. If I was his boss I'd be giving him the sack.
• Wind energy turbines - part of me wishes I was one but I'd be rubbish. Another part of me hates them. I suppose I'm not the biggest fan.
• They decorated the office, but have to wait a few days to finish it & asked me to keep an eye on it. It's so boring. Like watching paint dry
• I can't stand those people who treat me like a block of cheese. It really grates on me.
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Punnilingus (Part 2)
Couldn't fit all of this week's puns on one page, so here is part 2. Hope you enjoy them :-)
• No-one seems ever seems to have any idea about want to do with these dogs, so once again I have to take the lead.
• Got a great new hobby cataloguing tree debris. You would love it. Why don't you take a leaf out of my book?
• "What would you do if a bird shat on your car?" "Dump her!" [A Chubby Brown one I think]
• Look at that man with with a head like an angry cloud. Oooo he's got a face like thunder!
• Just read that they are going to try revive coma patients with cappuccino. Come off it! Wake up & smell the coffee!
• iPhone has invented something for when you are really tired. There's a nap for that.
• I'm not talking to that women with a windscreen for a face. That'll wiper eye.
• Got my nocturnal shift laying ceramics coming up later. Looks like another night on the tiles for me.
• Steve Davis is looking for an amateur to play snooker against. I've applied & I think I'm in the frame!
• I keep getting a hard-on every time I sneeze. Don't worry I'm taking something for it. Pepper. [This is somebody else’s, but I can’t remember who]
• The noise out of that Tennis supplies factory! They're not half making a racquet!
• Did you know that you can now buy body parts of dead Hollywood celebrities? I've got Bette Davis eyes.
• I don't like this Art exhibition about facial hair. It's all a bit eyebrow for me.
• That woman off GMTV has been sticking her finger in my eye all morning. She's left now and I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone.
• I'm aching all over after plowing that field for the wheat crop. Still it's true what they say. No pain - no grain.
• All those doubters. They said I'd never get that picture to stay up, but I nailed it!
• This wonky door looks like it could fall over any minute. It all hinges on what happens next.
• BUY THE NEW 18-SOCKET EXTENSION LEAD ONLY £19.99 BUY OUR NEW 15-TROUGH SINKS ONLY £89.99 Sorry about all of the plugs
• If they think they can break into this time piece shop while I'm on guard they've got another thing coming. Not on my watch.
• I'd love to be in a really gritty vampire film or play. You know something you can really get your teeth into.
• I shouldn't have brought up those missing shoes. I feel like I've put my foot in it now.
• I've never been a fan of denim & my dad & grandad are both the same. Must be something in the jeans.
• What about these people who put bin liners over there heads for thrills? I'm sorry but that's just not my bag.
• I'm having sone A-Team crisps now. Either Salt & Vinegar or Cheese & Onion. One thing is for certain I ain't getting on no Plain
• Was going to make one of those A-Team soups, but they look a bit watery. I feel a bit sorry for them. In fact you could say I pity the gruel
• I've just made one of those A-Team quiches from scratch. I love it when a flan comes together.
• I urgently need to find a picture of Peter Pan's enemy & a burglar. By Hook or by crook I'll get them.
Part 1 is HERE in case you missed it
• No-one seems ever seems to have any idea about want to do with these dogs, so once again I have to take the lead.
• Got a great new hobby cataloguing tree debris. You would love it. Why don't you take a leaf out of my book?
• "What would you do if a bird shat on your car?" "Dump her!" [A Chubby Brown one I think]
• Look at that man with with a head like an angry cloud. Oooo he's got a face like thunder!
• Just read that they are going to try revive coma patients with cappuccino. Come off it! Wake up & smell the coffee!
• iPhone has invented something for when you are really tired. There's a nap for that.
• I'm not talking to that women with a windscreen for a face. That'll wiper eye.
• Got my nocturnal shift laying ceramics coming up later. Looks like another night on the tiles for me.
• Steve Davis is looking for an amateur to play snooker against. I've applied & I think I'm in the frame!
• I keep getting a hard-on every time I sneeze. Don't worry I'm taking something for it. Pepper. [This is somebody else’s, but I can’t remember who]
• The noise out of that Tennis supplies factory! They're not half making a racquet!
• Did you know that you can now buy body parts of dead Hollywood celebrities? I've got Bette Davis eyes.
• I don't like this Art exhibition about facial hair. It's all a bit eyebrow for me.
• That woman off GMTV has been sticking her finger in my eye all morning. She's left now and I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone.
• I'm aching all over after plowing that field for the wheat crop. Still it's true what they say. No pain - no grain.
• All those doubters. They said I'd never get that picture to stay up, but I nailed it!
• This wonky door looks like it could fall over any minute. It all hinges on what happens next.
• BUY THE NEW 18-SOCKET EXTENSION LEAD ONLY £19.99 BUY OUR NEW 15-TROUGH SINKS ONLY £89.99 Sorry about all of the plugs
• If they think they can break into this time piece shop while I'm on guard they've got another thing coming. Not on my watch.
• I'd love to be in a really gritty vampire film or play. You know something you can really get your teeth into.
• I shouldn't have brought up those missing shoes. I feel like I've put my foot in it now.
• I've never been a fan of denim & my dad & grandad are both the same. Must be something in the jeans.
• What about these people who put bin liners over there heads for thrills? I'm sorry but that's just not my bag.
• I'm having sone A-Team crisps now. Either Salt & Vinegar or Cheese & Onion. One thing is for certain I ain't getting on no Plain
• Was going to make one of those A-Team soups, but they look a bit watery. I feel a bit sorry for them. In fact you could say I pity the gruel
• I've just made one of those A-Team quiches from scratch. I love it when a flan comes together.
• I urgently need to find a picture of Peter Pan's enemy & a burglar. By Hook or by crook I'll get them.
Part 1 is HERE in case you missed it
Punnilingus 1
Wotcha Peeps
I thought I'd put up all those cheesy pun/jokes I have been putting on my twitter all week on this blog. About 90% of them I have made up myself (or least hope I have) but there are probably the odd one or two that I have heard in the past and posted, but can't remember who's joke it was. I always give credit to anybody elses joke I use on my Twitter feed.
Here are the first batch anyway:-
• I've won loads of awards for my udder technique, but I don't like to milk it.
• If ever I was held hostage on holiday I'd hide in my luggage. You know. Just in case.
• My donkey looks like it needs some vetinary treatment down one side. That's a right pain in the ass.
• The doctors have told me that they need to "extract some mictration" from me. I don't like it. It sounds like they are taking the piss.
• Someone just threw a razor out of a window and it barely missed me. That was was a close shave.
• I FUCKING HATE PAWNS, ROOKS & KINGS! Sorry about that. It was just something I had to get off my Chess.
• I tried to get all the conkers out of that big oak, but only managed to get a couple. Still two out of tree ain't bad.
• I wanted to finish my story about giving presents, but I didn't know how to wrap it up.
• Just been offered a job assembling furniture, but screw that!
• They told me that there is nothing so addictive as hanging off a wall. They were right. I'm hooked on it.
• The doctor told me that the best way to hide the marks on my neck is by wearing some kind of neckerchief. I feel like I'm scarfed for life
• If those Ninja mops think they can have me in a fight they are so wrong! I'll wipe the floor with them.
• This pilot is flying too close to the water. That much is 'plane to sea
• Those numbers they put on boxes of bulbs. Watts that all about?
• I've just spilt my perrier over a mallard. It didn't mind too much. It was like water off a ducks back.
• Today I've invented the plain pizza. Top that!
• I don't like the way our local shop constantly tries to force you to buy herbs & fish. I mean there's a Thyme and a Plaice for everything.
• I let you in on a little secret. I've invented something that will keep food fresh in jars. Shhh though, I want to keep lid on it for now.
• My mate has wrote a song about Camembert, that she thinks will be a big hit. I'm not so sure. It sounds a bit cheesy to me.
• I think my brother is hiding a poker addiction so I confronted him about it. I told him it's cards on the table time.
• I used to be in a double act called The Bras, but I left because I felt like a right tit.
• My ongoing rant about my broken zip must have pissed off my mates, because the keep telling me to button it!
• Is it just me or would the best name for a shop that sells space suits & crucifixes be " 'Nauts & Crosses "
• I was going to make some spreadable explosives before, but on second thoughts I butter not.
• Someone knocked at the door before claiming to be selling Transparency Lotion. Wasn't conning me. I told him I could see right through him!
• People have said that my obsession with door nobs is out of control but I think I've got a handle on it.
• I had terrible trouble getting my trilby off before, but my mate came through for me and helped remove it. I've gotta take my hat off to him
• I find that if I make Indian food for my friends they will do things for me. That's one way to curry favour I suppose.
• And there's no way I'd ever work in a helium factory again. I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice! [This was some American comedian’s joke who was on Mock The Week, but I love it. Think his name was Hal somethingorother]
• I'd be a butcher, but I think it doesn't pay well and it would be hard to makes ends meat
• My ideal job would be teaching prostitutes to sing acapella but ho hum [I think this is one that I may have heard before, but told better]
Part 2 to follow
I thought I'd put up all those cheesy pun/jokes I have been putting on my twitter all week on this blog. About 90% of them I have made up myself (or least hope I have) but there are probably the odd one or two that I have heard in the past and posted, but can't remember who's joke it was. I always give credit to anybody elses joke I use on my Twitter feed.
Here are the first batch anyway:-
• I've won loads of awards for my udder technique, but I don't like to milk it.
• If ever I was held hostage on holiday I'd hide in my luggage. You know. Just in case.
• My donkey looks like it needs some vetinary treatment down one side. That's a right pain in the ass.
• The doctors have told me that they need to "extract some mictration" from me. I don't like it. It sounds like they are taking the piss.
• Someone just threw a razor out of a window and it barely missed me. That was was a close shave.
• I FUCKING HATE PAWNS, ROOKS & KINGS! Sorry about that. It was just something I had to get off my Chess.
• I tried to get all the conkers out of that big oak, but only managed to get a couple. Still two out of tree ain't bad.
• I wanted to finish my story about giving presents, but I didn't know how to wrap it up.
• Just been offered a job assembling furniture, but screw that!
• They told me that there is nothing so addictive as hanging off a wall. They were right. I'm hooked on it.
• The doctor told me that the best way to hide the marks on my neck is by wearing some kind of neckerchief. I feel like I'm scarfed for life
• If those Ninja mops think they can have me in a fight they are so wrong! I'll wipe the floor with them.
• This pilot is flying too close to the water. That much is 'plane to sea
• Those numbers they put on boxes of bulbs. Watts that all about?
• I've just spilt my perrier over a mallard. It didn't mind too much. It was like water off a ducks back.
• Today I've invented the plain pizza. Top that!
• I don't like the way our local shop constantly tries to force you to buy herbs & fish. I mean there's a Thyme and a Plaice for everything.
• I let you in on a little secret. I've invented something that will keep food fresh in jars. Shhh though, I want to keep lid on it for now.
• My mate has wrote a song about Camembert, that she thinks will be a big hit. I'm not so sure. It sounds a bit cheesy to me.
• I think my brother is hiding a poker addiction so I confronted him about it. I told him it's cards on the table time.
• I used to be in a double act called The Bras, but I left because I felt like a right tit.
• My ongoing rant about my broken zip must have pissed off my mates, because the keep telling me to button it!
• Is it just me or would the best name for a shop that sells space suits & crucifixes be " 'Nauts & Crosses "
• I was going to make some spreadable explosives before, but on second thoughts I butter not.
• Someone knocked at the door before claiming to be selling Transparency Lotion. Wasn't conning me. I told him I could see right through him!
• People have said that my obsession with door nobs is out of control but I think I've got a handle on it.
• I had terrible trouble getting my trilby off before, but my mate came through for me and helped remove it. I've gotta take my hat off to him
• I find that if I make Indian food for my friends they will do things for me. That's one way to curry favour I suppose.
• And there's no way I'd ever work in a helium factory again. I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice! [This was some American comedian’s joke who was on Mock The Week, but I love it. Think his name was Hal somethingorother]
• I'd be a butcher, but I think it doesn't pay well and it would be hard to makes ends meat
• My ideal job would be teaching prostitutes to sing acapella but ho hum [I think this is one that I may have heard before, but told better]
Part 2 to follow
Hello
Wotcha Peeps
This will be my place to blogwhen the mood takes me. It probably won't happen much to be honest, but at least if I want to vent I can always come here and do it.
That is all for now
TTFN
This will be my place to blogwhen the mood takes me. It probably won't happen much to be honest, but at least if I want to vent I can always come here and do it.
That is all for now
TTFN
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