Nice To See You...

Picture the scene – It’s the Garden Of Eden, and a very angry Mr God has just banished Adam & Eve for being greedy apple eating bastards, the serpent is condemned to crawl on his belly, and the angel with the fiery sword guards the path so nobody can return - Oh yeah I’ve got a B in Religion GCSE, I know my Bible! (Would have been an A if I knew my Koran a bit better!) but there is one person who is never mentioned in the scriptures, one man who has roamed the Earth for millions of years – if you listen closely you will hear him tap dancing his way out of the Garden of Eden trying to perfect a new catchphrase “Didn’t she do…bad?”

Fast forward a few thousand years and Our Lord Jesus has been crucified and has been in his tomb for three days, when suddenly the witnesses hear the sound of “Life…is the name of the game, and I want to play the game with you…” Suddenly, Jesus has risen from the dead, and the sound of tap dancing fades into the distance. Didn’t he do well?

Fast forward another few thousand years and there is trouble brewing in England. Civil war threatens the stability of the country. A battle takes place at Edgehill and things look bad for the Royalists, when suddenly a loud noise is heard booming from the hill – everybody looks up and there silhouetted against the moon is the figure of a man…half crouching, fist to head, chin made of granite, slender legs tapered behind him, and he says the immortal words “Nice to see you…” and all assembled cannot help themselves “…to see you nice” – but it is not nice, as the man of legend, older than Joan Collins herself, jumps down the hill and tap dances over every single roundhead on the battle field. Didn’t he do well? However it is not enough to turn the tide of the war, and because of his royalist leanings the legendary man is forced into hiding for hundreds more years.

We reach 1916 and the First World War is raging. The Allies need a new weapon to help them in the war. Technology has progressed and the horseless carriage has come to the fore. However, they are just not strong enough to survive battle. But then he appears again out of nowhere at a secret military location, so secret that even he does not know where it is, and he shows them that horseless carriages can be made sturdier. He brings out his secret weapon – it is a horseless carriage with giant sized playing cards attached to it all over making a giant shell – ladies and gentlemen that Tank is invented. Didn’t he do well?

But he disappears again…
…not too long this time though. For as prophesised by Nostradamus himself in 1939 he appears to perk up morale during the war

“And lo when the silver birds of the sky shall deploy their wretched spheres of
Destruction about the green and pleasant land, they boy of atoms shall appear
and shalt question the people about how well she or he did”

And the prediction came true….that man is none other than Sir Bruce Forsyth. Owner of the finest hair ever produced by the British Cotton Company, the beadiest eyes seen on a non-eagle, and the ability to entertain any crowd he chooses. He has barely changed over the years. He will tap dance if anyone so much as looks at him, will sing like a Britain’s Got Talent Pensioner act, and will spout words of poetry not heard since the Bard himself was alive. Poems such as….

“I’m the leader of the pack,
Which is what makes me such a lucky jack,
They say all good things come in pairs,
Well look at these two croupiers,
Look at them they’re so appealing,
Come on Dollies, do your dealing”

Words to bring tear to a glass eye I am sure you will agree!

So let me tell you a few facts about Brucie….

Did you know….know did you?
That because of all his tap dancing, Brucie has a stronger kick than a shire horse.

Did you know….know did you?
Brucie’s hair is so flame retardant that he singlehandedly put out the fire at Windsor Castle by doing a headstand throughout the building.

Did you know….know did you?
The cards in Play Your Cards Right were originally normal sized, but Brucie refused to wear glasses so they just made the cards bigger over the years

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie trades in his wife for a taller model every 25 years because he refuses to wear glasses

Did you know….know did you?
As well as writing the theme tune to the Generation Game, Brucie also wrote the popular songs, Smack My Bitch Up, Mull of Kintyre, Agadoo, and Edge of Glory

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie’s chin is so strong that Geoff Capes once broke his wrist when he accidently waved his hand into Brucie’s face

Did you know….know did you?
That even at the age he is now Brucie has sex every 4 hours, and is still very good in the sack, but is insecure and asks to ask about himself “Didn’t he do well?”

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie was already a Sir after being given the honour by Elizabeth I for undisclosed services, though rumour has it she was not such a Virgin afterwards


So love him or hate him – you have to admit that the man is a living legend, and if you don’t agree he will tap dance all over you and then your grave. Who knows what the future holds for Sir Bruce Forsyth. I have heard rumours that the Ministry Of Defence are currently making some humungous sized playing cards ready to deploy if Brucie demands it, and the world’s Tallest Woman has been seen hanging around the Strictly Come Dancing studio.

No matter what happens we will always know that it is “Nice to see you….to see you nice”

@Gazabell

There Is Nothing Like A Dame

Take yourself back to the Eighties – not literally, unless you are The Doctor or Dr Sam Beckett you may find this impossible – I mean in your mind (Yep – sorry youngsters this blog might be a bit before your time – don’t worry I will get around to doing a Power Rangers one at some point that you can enjoy :D). Have you done it? Cast yourself back. Look around you and what do you see? Perms & Mullets abound, Shoulder Pads are huge, there is a woman(ish) in charge of the country, and a rat is the biggest ratings winner on TV.

But who is interested in Roland Rat on telly when you look at the same programme he is on and she her….Blonde Mulleted, wearing some of the snazziest jumper combos seen in the eighties, and giggling like a loon. It can only be one person….Wincey Willis! So famous she goes to An Audience With… recordings, and has been name checked by Victoria Wood, and she bestrides our screen like a juggernaut of lovlieness.

Fast forward more years than you could imagine and now she bestrides a different arena – the online sexiverse that is Twitter, and that’s what I am going to blog about. You might think about her for different reasons – for being a journalist, author, editor, conservationist, radio presenter, or even for helping buffoons guide Aneka Rice around a town in a helicopter, but for me Wincey Willis is now always going to be about Twitter.

As you may have read in some of her previous blogs Dame Wincey joined Twitter purely because somebody was pretending to be her, but in my opinion, that person has done us all a massive favour. I, like some people, was a bit sceptical when I saw her tweeting, and thought it was another one of these sad acts who pretends to be someone they aren’t because they are too scared that people won’t find them funny in their real life persona. Then that awkward moment came when she tweeted me after one of my piss take comments no doubt. Being that I am a bloody lovely person (hell yeah you know it! Lol) I replied and thought nothing of it, then I got another tweet – telling me off for spelling Wincey wrong – then more tweets followed, a bit of banter and then oh no she followed me. I don’t normally follow “fake” celebs unless they are funny, but I was unsure whether @WinceyWillis1 was real or not, so I had a closer look at her profile and tweets. If she was fake then her tweets were pretty convincing so I gave her the benefit of doubt. I don’t know why I was so worried. We tweeted each other more over the next couple of days and it soon became apparent that she was the real deal. What’s more it soon became apparent that I found her engaging, funny, sweet and just the little bit smutty – just what I want in a follower!

I soon became the unofficial official Twitter guide for Dame Wincey – after bamboozling her with the terms we use on Twitter. A few times I would get a tweet saying “what is ROFL?” Knowing me I probably made up some bullishit like “Rolf Orgasms For Llamas”. On another occasion I had to explain what #Twitterjail was – after I think she thought I was really a prisoner somewhere.

This probably made me like Dame Wincey even more – how many celebrities do you know that would try to organise a Jail Break gang for you, complete with dynamite, tunnels, seduction and smuggling?

More banter has followed over the past year or so we have followed each other – from the formation of our double act WinceyBell (due to play the 02 arena in 2012), to Star Wars Tennis, to blog wars, to the near elimination of my use of the c-word on Twitter and now we have agreed to have a tweet up over the summer. How lucky is she getting to meet me!

Anyway, if you follow @WinceyWillis1 (oooo I’ve plugged you now Dame Wincey – was it good for you?) then you will see that she is the best celebrity on Twitter. She is down to earth, tweets funny things, replies when she can, promotes Merlot so much that I am sure she is getting freebies, and never ever tries to do a weather report. Saying that she tries to stop me from swearing sometimes (to some but not a lot of effect) and she has a tendency to blame cows for all the poo in her garden (there are no cows nearby – say no more!) so she has her bad points too!

So why is she Dame Wincey? Well for her services to Tweeting of course and because she is a great person to follow. I am allowed to bestow Damehoods, because I am the King Of Twitter according to her (I don’t like to correct her but I am actually the Emperor Of Twitter!) and I think it is a well deserved one.

So basically this blog is a bit of a salute to the living legend that is Dame Wincey Willis – I’m proud to call her a follower, tweep, Dame and friend. If you aren’t following you are missing out and if you are following her (she has long overtook me now!) then you already knew all of this I have written about and you have wasted 5 minutes of your life you fool!

Keep tweeting Dame Wincey

Lots of Love
@Gazabell

One Hundred & Forty Characters

Hello there Peeps

I have a special treat for you all today.

Remember a couple of months ago Dame @WinceyWillis1 very kindly wrote a piece for my own humble blog. Well she has very kindly done another one for me & just 1 day before my #Twitterversary which I consider to be a very nice gesture from one of my best Twitter Friends.

Now read on as the Dame takes us on another journey

@Gazabell


One Hundred & Forty Characters
Sounds like the cast list of an am dram panto where everyone has to have a part. The stage for this particular show is enormous; the audience don’t buy tickets they drop in and out as they please. They aren’t expected to be silent and what they get up to during the performance sometimes beggars belief.

Yes we are talking of the round the clock show that is Twitter. It is eleven months since I joined the cast and what an eye opener that has been. The fun is in the fact that we are both audience and player, observing and interacting as we choose. There are many things that I have learned during my apprenticeship, some of which I will share with you now.

It didn’t take too long to figure that for quite a lot, sexual gratification came high on their reasons for participation. Whether it was with someone else or on their own if you get my drift. When it was posted if the world was going to end in 8 minutes what would you do? The women mostly declared they would hug their children or ‘phone people who they loved to tell them so, a very high percentage of the men were single handily busy!!!

I love the random tweets that make me laugh. I remember one saying there were over 4million work related injuries, so play it safe and call in sick. More or less the next one asked if anyone had any thoughts on silicone bake ware. I pondered if that was a euphemism but I don’t think so. I did once have cause, and I can’t remember why, to tell @Gazabell to lay back, head on cushion and your hands where I can see them. To which he replied, “I’ll keep them down my pants for safe keeping”.

One of my favourite tweeps told me his partner always checks his tweets before he sends them, he worries if they will offend me. I thought that was utterly charming. However I have not lived a sheltered life so I would say 95% of the tweets make me either laugh, learn something, or be concerned for the tweeter.
When someone turned a bit nasty towards me the outpouring of sympathy and kindness was overwhelming. People wanted to send their thoughts directly to the person but I didn’t think they deserved the oxygen of publicity. I loved one particular tweet from @Assimilathis that said “Set your gays on him”. I am so very lucky to have 2300+ followers and what a diverse group you are.

Merlot still plays a significant part in my twitter life, even if I don’t drink it every waking hour most tweeps seem to think I do. I loved the posts from @Ianpearce which said “She is a bit like Mary Poppins but with a carpet bag full of empty wine bottles” and @apophthegmist who said “Twitter has infected my brain. Spotted a bottle of Merlot earlier and my first thought was Wincey Willis”.

August 17th will be my first Twitter Anniversary, buy shares in Merlot now. Not that I need an excuse, cheers my dears. :-))))

Wincey Willis

Being Taken Up The Orme

Here in the UK we don’t get sunshine all that often. Not proper good burn yourself sunshine like you might get in more exotic climates. We get our wishy washy sun most of the time and that is it. However, occasionally we get some really good hot sunny days and then it happens. Some animal instinct kicks in and we are aware that the concrete jungle is not where we want to be. We want the smell of the sea, the sounds of people moaning about being shat on by a seagull, and the aroma of greasy fish and chips wafting up our nostrils. This all happened to me two weeks ago when the sun starting cracking the flags and I felt the pull off the sea (well the fish & chips really) and felt a desire to visit the seaside.

Now I know most people think of Liverpool as a place where we spend our days roaming around in our shell suits, with a giro burning a hole in our pockets, telling people to calm down, whilst struggling to carry all of the hubcaps we have a compulsion to steal. While this is actually true for the minority we are actually a cultured place, famed for our music, football, comedy, and men who stop the rapture by wanking – and we are of course a costal city – and as such have some lovely beaches, with hardly any floating shit in the sea and proper sand, none of that gravelly shit they have in Tenerife!

However, I got a deeper yearning – a yearning to relive a bit of my youth – a youth where I spent my holidays in North Wales, places like Talacre, Rhyl, Betws-y-coed, Conwy and Llandudno. Now I have always been a big fan of the letter L, especially when it is next to another L (phwooaaarr) and so I decided my destination would be Llandudno. I called my mate Roz who was well up for going so I set off in the car and picked her up. Then she dropped her bombshell – she wanted us to climb The Great Orme – which in case you don’t know is a huge hill. Now I’m not really an exercise person but I’m prepared to give these things a go. Plus I knew that Fish & Chips would appear on the menu at some point during the day so I agreed we would – these words would come back to haunt me!


Anyway that was later on in the day. Firstly we got to Llandudno and I parked miles (realistically maybe a mile) away from the pier as we thought we would struggle for space so we set off on a nice leisurely walk to the pier. Two things hit us immediately – one that there were a lot of old people around (thus making me feel like a teenager) and two there is a shop somewhere that is doing a roaring trade in Beige clothing – I cannot believe how many people we saw wearing some beige clothing – in fact it became a bit of a game for us to try to take a picture of everyone we saw wearing beige. A game we had to quickly give up when Roz’s camera batteries were about to run out! There must have been hundreds of the Beige Brigade around!

Anyway after deftly avoiding some classic car show – with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in it! – and ignoring the screeching noise of Punch & Judy! We made it to the pier. Things haven’t changed on Llandudno Pier – there are still arcades, still go karts, still a fortune teller (who has inevitabley done readings for stars such as “TV’s Peggy from Hi-De-Hi, “Crossroads” Amy Turtle, “Singer” Arthur Mullard and “Comedian” Tom O’Connor) and the biggest guarantee of all – 3 shops selling lots of Country & Western cassettes/CDs who without a shadow of a doubt will have a tape playing either an obscure C&W artist or a set from an Irish Comedian you have never heard of, telling jokes your Dad would be ashamed to tell! It didn’t put us off though – we walked to the end of the pier taking in the sites – even pondering for a number of minutes why a man who was fishing off a 40ft concrete platform at the end of the pier would need to be wearing waders?!?!?!

Anyhoos we did the pier and The Great Orme was next on the agenda – now there was a problem that had developed during the course of the day – that problem was my trainers (or traineeeees if you are a fully fledged Scouser like me) - they were trying to slice my toes off. You see I had washed them in a hot wash in the machine and they had shrunk – so much so that I had lost feeling in one foot. We therefore had to do some impromptu footwear shopping. Do you know what I ended up buying the comfiest pair of pumps ever for £7 (God Bless Peacocks!) but this meant I was now ready for the challenge. There are a few ways to reach the top of the Orme – there are Cable Cars, buses, and a tram. We decided to walk. I thought it wouldn’t be a problem because as unfit as I am I can still walk for miles without any strain on me. However, this is a very steep hill (some might say [exaggerate] mountain) to climb. I was a quarter of the way up before we had to stop while I had my first heart attack. Not even halfway up when my 2nd heart attack came – though on this breathing break we were treated to a woman trying and failing to drive up the hill which caused much wheezy laughter from me. We carried on and reached the halfway point over looking the dry ski slope when I had yet another heart attack, before I was forced to carry on again. About 2/3 of the way up I needed another break as my lungs had now also ganged up on me. I was ready to give up when a family of 2 adults and 2 small children started STROLLING up the hill like it was a flat walk – I was forced to carry on. Every slope we got over I was assured we were right near the top – 5 times we crossed an horizon only to see another one up ahead.

To cut a long story short 6 heart attacks later we reached the top. What did we do while we were up there? Fuck all – had a drink, took some photos and then when I had my body back under control we headed down. Guess what – we took the tram! I thoroughly enjoyed this. Not least because there was a woman who looked the spitting image of Tubbs from The League Of Gentlemen on the tram with us.

Anyway we reached the bottom, and that meant one thing – fish & chips time! We went to a chippy that I was last in maybe 16 years ago and it was still exactly the same. It must have been a popular chippy because it was full of people…..wait a minute did I say people? I actually meant flies! But fuck it we were both starving & I had ordered the food so we took it anyway. Do you know what it tasted bloody gorgeous! We went to the beach to eat it, and apart from me threatening to punch a seagull in the face it was a bloody lovely meal.

It was nearing the end of the day & I had one ambition left! To write a rude word in stones on the beach. We set off back to the car and once we got there we set off to graffiti the ground [Note: to Dame Wincey you do not want to read this bit I promise you - look away now]. The graffiti started with a good laugh anyway as Roz fell over – me being the sympathetic man I am I of course did what any man would do. I pointed and laughed at her! Anyway she was ok so we collected our stones. I needed a word that described me – it was my day after all. I pondered it for about 30 seconds and I had it…….



I was strangely proud of my work…..for almost a minute until we saw a couple walking towards the desecrated ground. What did we do you might ask? What do you think? We ran away laughing leaving our new addition to Llandudno’s tourist attraction in tact for future generations to see!

So what about the aftermath of this brilliant day in Llandudno? Well the main thing was that I had sore Bnees for days (for those who don’t know what #Bnees are you need to look HERE) – but it was a great day –if you want to see some of the pictures of the day I suggest you look on my Facebook Page where there are a few pics of the day.

But for now I shall say Ffarwel

@Gazabell

Britain's Got (Fixed) Talent

You might have seen THIS LINK on Twitter today about Ronan Parkes being a fix winner of this year’s Britain’s Got Talent, but I am here to tell you that things are not quite as they seem. You see you may not know this but I work for SYCO which makes Britain’s Got Talent and I have the REAL inside story on what is happening. You see I am Simon Cowell’s hairdresser – I maintain his fine locks by quickly setting his hair on fire and then putting it back out with a wet Tea Towel before any major damage is done – thus giving him his stubby burnt paintbrush look.

Anyways back to the real story. Ronan Parkes is just a decoy so that people think he is an obvious winner. The truth is that Cowell has somebody much more talented in mind for the coveted winners spot. That person is of course Jean Martyn






The production team first came across Jean in 2008 when she was a small black man called Trevor. Trevor was at the birthday party of Timmy Mallet, and had a novelty act of some repute. The producers were so impressed that they signed him up to a lifetime contract with SYCO right away and invited Trevor to come to the 2009 auditions, when, unlike other contestants, they got Louis Walsh to pay him on the bus.

The time came for Trevor to perform his act as a Chinchilla juggling rapper. However, he was very nervous and accidently stood on one of the chinchillas before the audition, so Cowell, seeing the potential, took Trevor backstage and allowed him to perform privately in his dressing room, with his mother there to support him. Cowell could see the potential but thought that chinchilla juggling rappers were ten a penny and wanted something different for what he saw as a potential future megastar who could break the notoriously difficult over 50’s market.

He immediately set a team to work to change Trevor into the star he knew he could be. Unbeknownst to even his own mother, the team changed Trevor into a white middle aged woman called Jean Martyn. As 2010 rolled along they encouraged Jean to work on a new act that would wow the audience and so in Cardiff in 2010 the Judges and audience were to see the new Jean for the first time. Jean was incredibly nervous doing her new act, which was Pole Dancing whilst singing Yellow Submarine, and as a result she performed her fanny whirler finale too early causing the pole to buckle and send her crashing to the floor.

This was a disaster so Cowell once again stepped in. The audition was wiped from the records and he sent a new team in to work with Jean before the menopause hit, which would put her career on hold. He told the team that they had to have Jean ready for 2011 or else! A team of piano teachers, elocution teachers, and sparkly jacket makers were set to work to make Jean ready for 2011.

Then, the most disgusting part for me, somebody in a production meeting suggested that rather than hide Jean’s naturally bubbly personality they should highlight the more “mental” aspects of it. After all there had never been a mental middle-aged woman on TV before and the company could make millions from it! Jean was restyled completely from top to bottom. She was encouraged to giggle like a donkey given ecstasy. She was told to wear sparkly Joan Collins style jackets, wink indiscriminately and give the occasional thumbs up to anyone in her eyeline.

She was prepared and at the 2011 auditions Jean was unveiled, as the Les Dawson stylee, piano bashing gurning simpleton that Cowell knew the British public would fall in love with. The judges were ordered to give a standing ovation, and David Hasslehoff was even ordered to have his penis poking out of his zip in a “love salute” to Jean!

Then the SYCO publicity machine went into overdrive and immediately a Facebook fanpage, and even an Xtube page was set up for Jean, all managed directly by SYCO in case Jean put anything they didn’t want on the page. This was not done for any other act apart from Ronan Parkes (The decoy). Again Jean was given special treatment; she was given a £20 Argos gift voucher and a 20% discount card at Spud-U-Like. This is terrible as at some point Jean will have to pay all this back out her winnings. She doesn’t know as she sits there every day gorging herself on Tuna & Sweetcorn Jacket potato at reduced price that she is getting herself deeper and deeper into debt with SYCO!

And this Saturday when the final happens and Jean inevitably wins it she doesn’t realise what the future will hold. She will be expected to perform at Bingo Halls up and down the country, and if she is tired it won’t matter. Some lowlife will be there to pop another Sanatogen in her Ovaltine and let her freebase some cod liver oil to inject between her toes.

It is a slippery slope and all because she wanted to appear on TV. Once she hits that menopause in a couple of years time she will be discarded and left to fend for herself. Will she make a comeback? Probably not, though maybe she can appear on Celebrity Coach Trip. Who knows?

Thank you for letting me get this message out there. It needed to be done!

Not so Anon
SYCO

On being a Twitizen in the Twitterverse

Hello Tweeps

I'm spoiling you really by posting another blog so soon but it is a very special one because it's not a blog by me. It is a blog by one of my Top Twiends - the fantasticness that is Dame @WinceyWillis1 (yes the real one of TV-AM & Treasure Hunt fame)so please read and enjoy her blog and give her a follow on Twitter because she is lots of fun

@Gazabell :-)



Twitter is all human and not so human life. I make no bones about the fact that I love it. Never having been involved with any other social network site I was apprehensive. You may already know that I started tweeting because someone else was using my name.

I remember looking at profiles and seeing @Gazabell had over 1000 followers and being astounded. I knew that Stephen Fry seemed to have the whole world following him.

Initially there was a lot of scepticism; most people didn’t believe I was me. As there are so many tweeps hiding behind eggs etc I hoped that seeing my photo would be enough.

How things have changed. You bring out the best in me and I love you for it. I never wanted to be someone who plugs stuff all the time but I wasn’t sure what to tweet. I followed people who made me laugh or think or intrigued me. I love the immediacy of twitter. We do ‘talk’, getting an instant response is great but sometimes overwhelming. As you began to believe in me I felt so good.
I laugh out loud and every day there are so many brilliant wordsmiths who test my brain power and typing speed. There are the utterly crazy random tweets.....”I won’t eat a dead woman’s bananas” , “I get aroused when I play scrabble”. Let’s face it there is a lot about arousal on twitter!!

A young man tweeted me to say he had just ‘you tubed’ me and I was to get into his bed immediately. I was followed by Battery Operated Boyfriend and even offered quite a lot of money to ‘perform’ on a web cam!!! I was crying with laughter. I am no spring chicken so in a way I suppose it is quite flattering. (No names to protect guilty)

The opportunities to help people have been rewarding and my friendship with @harry_moseley the inspirational 11year old boy with a brain tumour has made me appreciate more than ever how lucky I am. I went to London for Harry’s charity launch and met up with @MrG48 and @MrLTK , both gentlemen who were a pleasure to spend time with.

More recently I have had my first Tweet Up at home. Two tweeps who I have been bantering with since the beginning came to stay at my home. My friends thought I was barking, having 2 men I had never met staying. It was fantastic, and my twitterwide reputation as a Merlot maid was upheld. I knew that even though we had only met through 140 characters we were such like minds and after speaking on the ‘phone I had no hesitation over inviting @WilliamStafford and @Quimph .

I have had an amazing life, doing so many wonderful things. I have travelled all over the world and encountered the most amazing people. When I started in the media mobiles hadn’t been invented and we did weight training to carry a programmes worth of records into the radio studio. I am thankful for every new day and the opportunity to make the most of it.

I could never have imagined something like twitter (be a squillionaire if I had). It has become a part of my life and I am so glad. Thank you for all your kindness, fun, love and so much laughter.

Now dear editor Gaza when are you coming for a Tweet Up??
My name is Wincey Willis and I am an addict..............

Wincey Willis May 2011

Taking Matters In Hand...

History is replete with the good fighting the evil. The Allies fought The Nazis, Scooby-Doo fought creepy old fairground based perverts & thieves, and Azerbaijan pop group Eldar & Nigar defeated the anaemic spawn of the devil himself Twit & Twat (aka Jedward). But sometimes the good aren't available and it is left to The Cheeky to step up to the plate to do their best. This week The Cheeky did just that.

You see some old American dude decided that it was the end of days - The Rapture - where the good float up to the sky and the rest are left below until the end of the world. I don't know about you lot but I think it's a bit soon for The Rapture - I mean we've only had one series of Mrs Brown's Boys, we don't know if Scotland will ever get past the first round of a World Cup, and we are still waiting for another summer like the one we had when we were kids - there is so much still left to do!

Therefore I decided to take it upon myself to stop The Rapture - hey if one old man could start it then surely a young(ish) man like me could stop it. The main problem was that he lived on a different continent to me, and I only know his name, not his address or anything, and what could I do? I could hardly go around punching old people - If I could do that Tesco would be deserted at lunch times!

I had to think of another plan of action. Something that I knew I was good at, that other people could get involved in, that I could do better than any old man......it hit me in a flash...something I am brilliant at and have had lots of practice in....the answer my friends was WANKING! Good old fashioned masturbation could save the day! And I was an expert at that lovely act of self-gratification - even other people recognise that as I often hear them saying "oh no here's that wanker again" when I walk towards them.

I weighed up the odds of it - it was a risk I know - if enough people got involved a mass orgasm could actually cause the earthquakes that old Harry do-dah was predicting, meaning that one of my main pleasures in life would be the instrument of our doom! It was a chance worth taking, I mean at least if I failed I would be going out with a smile on my face. And if I did it long enough I would end up welded to the bedsheets so although I couldn't rise to Heaven I also couldn't fall to hell. I'd be permanently stuck to my bed for all eternity - something I actually crave on a Monday morning!

I decided that it was our best bet of success and so I turned to my lovely, sexy, brilliant Twitter followers and told them the plan to #BeatTheRaptureByWanking - Beating by Beating if you like! Do you know what? They jumped at the chance to join in! Another person would say that they just needed any excuse for a wank but not me. I knew they were brave soldiers ready to fight the forces of Rapture with every beat of their.....heart!

And so we started! I got my usual supply of "inSPURTational" material - my @WinceyWillis1 calender 1985, my picture of @MuppetFitz on a bed of roses, and the sex tape of Wagner and Mary Byrne - and teeth gritted I got to work. Hour after hour went by as I cavorted with Madame Palm and her 5 lovely daughters, literally willing away The Rapture with every gird of my loins (I just wanted to use that phrase! lol). The morning passed into afternoon while I slowly started to look like a trapped Chilean miner, eyes almost clenched shut. My face a bright red beachball of heavy breathing and the occasional groan. I could feel the power of the Wank driving that rapture away as more and more Tweeps got involved.

That simple gift of Onanism actually stopped The Rapture. I realised later on, with my Popeye sized arm in a bowl of ice, that the phrase "Wanking is good" had never been more apt - in this case a little bit of hand relief had kept the world spinning for at least another year. If I could have I would have patted myself on the back. Instead I decided to celebrate by letting "old lefty" have a turn for a change - a celebratory wank for a job well done.

And if The Rapture threatens again you will find me, and probably other Tweeps, are willing to once again #BeatTheRaptureByWanking.

I wonder if it's The Rapture again tonight.....

Think Of The Fun We Had At Palace Hill...

There are some things we do in life because we enjoy and there are some things we do in life that we do because we are nice people. I did a nice thing today when I let my nephew watch Nickelodeon on the telly. As such I was subjected to the joys (never has sarcasm been used with such delight) of the kids TV of this generation. As such I found myself watching some American shite (no offence Americans I’m calling the show not the nation) of the ilk of iCarley or Drake & Josh (it’s embarrassing that I know the names of these programmes).

I found myself turning into one of those people who goes on about how Curly Wurly’s were bigger when they were young, about how the summers were longer and skies bluer, and how they spent their days with no consoles and computers and just spent their days playing Hide & Seek, football and British Bulldogs. I was thinking to myself that kid’s programmes were much better “when I were a lad”. However, when I thought about it a bit longer I realised that maybe I was getting all caught up in one of those generational things.

I know for a fact that I don’t get the shows my parents watched. Andy Pandy was so cheesy that I’m surprised there aren’t more lactose intolerant people around. And what about Fingerbobs? A show with puppets made out of paper and you could see the fingers of the puppeteers. And The Magic Roundabout? – I think I would need to be on LSD to have a clue what was going on there!

So then I wondered how I would explain the shows I loved as a kid to a future generation and it occurred to me that they would think I was mental for enjoying such shows. I’ll show you why (this might be more fun if you are in the 25-35ish bracket). See if you can guess the following 10 programmes which I loved as a child, as they may be explained nowadays :-

1) Technologically advanced Anthropomorphic felines, each with artefacts that imbue a special ability upon them, battle a Mummy, and his gang of henchmen, which include anthropomorphic versions of a Toad, Monkey & Jackal. Did I mention you could defeat the powerful enemy by showing him his own reflection?

2) Ring-tailed mammals take part in various environmentally friendly adventures in a forest while thwarting the capitalist overtures of a phallic-nosed Aardvark-like creature

3) A middle-aged man lives with a bear with learning difficulties, a homosexual hippopotamus, and the mutated offspring of an egg and a pair of corduroy trousers, whilst being regularly interrupted by three swinging singers with a penchant for stripy tops and white trousers.

4) A latex crocodile, ably assisted by a latex rat and latex mouse runs a successful magazine show from the sewers

5) A Lion and his faithful companion, a Lynx, circumnavigate the globe with a deadline.

6) A middle-aged man, who never the less insists on wearing Bermuda shorts and a novelty spectacles, attacks young children with a foam hammer for their failure to fully grasp the diversity of the English Language, whilst pulling tongues at them and desecrating their faces with plasters scrawled with mild smut.

7) A small basset hound dog rides a horse around 17th Century France battling ne’er-do-wells with the aid of 3 other dogs, all the time hoping to get off with another dog who works for the Queen.

8) A Prince with a split personality battles a man who seems to have suffered complete necrosis of the face and his henchmen, some of whom consist of a man with three eyes, a man whose special talent is fisting people (this is actually true), a woman so evil that she uses it as her first name, and a man who seems to be the result of botched genetic experiment between a man and a fish. Don’t worry though the dual personality dude has help. From a tiger suffering from severe nervous tension, a man who has had his legs replaced with springs, a red dishcloth and what appears to be Tom Selleck.

9) Robotic Televisions, with a day job working a reporters, help a Professor with a speech impediment battle various evil elements.

10) A mullet headed man, in an obvious sexual relationship with twin sisters, takes great joy in making children sticky, then forcing them to compete against each other driving Go Karts around a track, and then subjecting them to a house that attacks them. (This is not SAW)


See what I mean? The TV of my generation sounds like a very strange thing, so maybe now when I am in my 90’s sitting in my own piss in a nursing home and I hear the 75 year olds telling their grandchildren about how American Teenagers, who looked older than their age, and could afford to live in luxury apartments/loft houses, despite the fact they seemingly had no parents, whilst they only worked in a diner or cinema, I will just sit there with a wry smile and ponder on my own television glory years.

I must go now anyway. I’ve booked a room in Dizzy Heights hotel, because tomorrow I am meeting Alfonso Bonzo for Eggs ‘N’ Baker and then we are going to watch Jossy’s Giants play a match, before meeting Terry Nutkins, who is going to tell us about his sexploits with Michaela Strachan. Apparently they were Really Wild!

@Gazabell

The Answers...

First of all thanks to those of you who read my blog http://gazabell1.blogspot.com/2011/04/think-of-fun-we-had-at-palace-hill.html

These are the answers to the programmes I talked about on there.

If you don't like spoilers read that blog before looking below:-

V

Here we go:-

1) Technologically advanced Anthropomorphic felines, each with artefacts that imbue a special ability upon them, battle a Mummy, and his gang of henchmen, which include anthropomorphic versions of a Toad, Monkey & Jackal. Did I mention you could defeat the powerful enemy by showing him his own reflection?

Was Thundercats - they are on the loose and on the move! I don't know why Mum-Rha was so self-concious about his reflection. A bit of Moisturiser and I'm sure his skin would have cleared up

2) Ring-tailed mammals take part in various environmentally friendly adventures in a forest while thwarting the capitalist overtures of a phallic-nosed Aardvark-like creature

Was The Raccons - with Cyril Sneer who needs some viagra up his nose. Saying that Burt looked like he could do with some too. And do you remember poor old Cecil - he looked like Curly Watts from Corrie!

3) A middle-aged man lives with a bear with learning difficulties, a homosexual hippopotamus, and the mutated offspring of an egg and a pair of corduroy trousers, whilst being regularly interrupted by three swinging singers with a penchant for stripy tops and white trousers.

Was Rainbow of course. No wonder Jeffrey never got married with that menagerie in his house. What the fuck was Zippy supposed to be anyway? And Rod, Jayne & Freddy - definitely members of the Middlesborough Swingers Association!

4) A latex crocodile, ably assisted by a latex rat and latex mouse runs a successful magazine show from the sewers

A harder one to get maybe? It's Round The Bend. If I remember rightly the rat was a Vincent Van Gough rip off, and it had joke cartoons like Wee-Man & The Masters of the U-Bend and the like. Look how fake looking the Puppet, the erstwhile Doc Croc, is!

5) A Lion and his faithful companion, a Lynx, circumnavigate the globe with a deadline.

Another one which stumped some people - It is Around The World In 80 Days with Willy Fog. Personally I think a Lion might have been shot on arrival in most countries, and at the very least would have eaten all of those companions!

6) A middle-aged man, who never the less insists on wearing Bermuda shorts and a novelty spectacles, attacks young children with a foam hammer for their failure to fully grasp the diversity of the English Language, whilst pulling tongues at them and desecrating their faces with plasters scrawled with mild smut.

Was of course Wac-A-Day (Not Timmy Mallet - who is the person not the show as some suggested to me). I'm not accusing Mallet of anything but the way I wrote up the show makes him sound like a nonce! Plus he was always gettin his cock(atoo) out!

7) A small basset hound dog rides a horse around 17th Century France battling ne’er-do-wells with the aid of 3 other dogs, all the time hoping to get off with another dog who works for the Queen.

Was Dogtanian & The Three Muskerhounds - based of course The Three Mustateers. The main thing I remember about this show was that Dogtanian had a really whiny voice and almost every episode suffered some form of nasal injury that made his nose turn red!

8) A Prince with a split personality battles a man who seems to have suffered complete necrosis of the face and his henchmen, some of whom consist of a man with three eyes, a man whose special talent is fisting people (this is actually true), a woman so evil that she uses it as her first name, and a man who seems to be the result of botched genetic experiment between a man and a fish. Don’t worry though the dual personality dude has help. From a tiger suffering from severe nervous tension, a man who has had his legs replaced with springs, a red dishcloth and what appears to be Tom Selleck.

The easiest one I reckon - it was He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Which of course would lead to the excellent cheesefest live version film starring Dolph Lundgeran - which should have spawned a sequel! There really was a character in this cartoon called Fistor - who had metal hands! Dirty perverted bastard!

9) Robotic Televisions, with a day job working a reporters, help a Professor with a speech impediment battle various evil elements.

Probably the most obscure one - it was Telebugs. I loved this show at the time. There was an evil telebug too with a....dum dum duuuuuuummmmm - red face! The characters were voiced by Ron Moody - you know Fagin from Oliver! The Telebugs did not crash half as often as Twitter!

10) A mullet headed man, in an obvious sexual relationship with twin sisters, takes great joy in making children sticky, then forcing them to compete against each other driving Go Karts around a track, and then subjecting them to a house that attacks them. (This is not SAW)

Was Fun House - its lots of fun, prizes to be won, its a real whacky show were anything can go! It also had the two worst co-presenters evers in Melanie & The Other Twin who could barely speak and made Dev from Corrie look like Brando! I secretly wanted to go on this show, but only to drive the Go Karts! Pat Sharp had hair like Worzel Gummidge for the early series - Worzel Gummidge with his twat head on usually!

There you go - if yougot them all well done - Nobody gave me concrete proof that they got them though! I may do another one of these some time :-)

Cheggers Plays Block!

Twitter is a marvellous place to be. It is usually fun, often hilarious, sometimes sad and occassionally a hornfest! I've made mention of this before. When I first started on Twitter I followed celebrities because that's what Twitter was for. However, I soon discovered that Twitter is much better without the need to follow celebrities. It is the real people on Twitter that make it for me. So much so that I started to unfollow most of the celebrities that I did follow. I currently follow 1100ish people on Twitter and maybe 50 of them are "celebrities" of some sort - mainly comdedians or at the very least funny celebrities. The rest of everyday people each just as amazing as the celebs that we as a society idolise.

I'll admit that I get a buzz if I get a reply of a celeb and even better if I get a follow. Which brings me to the point of this blogette. I have found it really funny this morning that I have been blocked by Keith "Cheggers" Chegwin at some point over the past few months. I'm not bothered in the least really. That is the whole point of Twitter you have complete power to block or unfollow people. In a strange way I am quite proud of the fact that he went out of his way to actually block me. I can honestly say that I never sent him any abuse, and never slated him indirectly. The irony of this is that I never actually followed him until he followed me after I retweeted one of his jokes.

Anyway I've done this blogette because I have come up with 5 reasons why he did the deedand this is what I came up with

1) One of us is a cheeky Scouse chap who tells cheesy jokes...the other is Keith Chegwin

2) One of us has a penis that has been seen by millions....the other is Keith Chegwin

3) One of us has taken Maggie Philburn up the wrong'un...the other is Keith Chegwin

4) One of us has a drink problem....the other is Keith Chegwin

5) One of us has stroked Noel Edmonds beard...the othet is Keith Chegwin

In all honesty I probably said something that offended him, or slagged off a mate of his, or maybe my fucking foul mouth was too much for him. I will take this as an honour that whatever I did it warranted a BLOCK and not just an Unfollow! Now that is some acheivement! I'm going to see if I can find any other 80s celebs to annoy now....Gary Wilmott I'm coming to get you!