Taking Matters In Hand...

History is replete with the good fighting the evil. The Allies fought The Nazis, Scooby-Doo fought creepy old fairground based perverts & thieves, and Azerbaijan pop group Eldar & Nigar defeated the anaemic spawn of the devil himself Twit & Twat (aka Jedward). But sometimes the good aren't available and it is left to The Cheeky to step up to the plate to do their best. This week The Cheeky did just that.

You see some old American dude decided that it was the end of days - The Rapture - where the good float up to the sky and the rest are left below until the end of the world. I don't know about you lot but I think it's a bit soon for The Rapture - I mean we've only had one series of Mrs Brown's Boys, we don't know if Scotland will ever get past the first round of a World Cup, and we are still waiting for another summer like the one we had when we were kids - there is so much still left to do!

Therefore I decided to take it upon myself to stop The Rapture - hey if one old man could start it then surely a young(ish) man like me could stop it. The main problem was that he lived on a different continent to me, and I only know his name, not his address or anything, and what could I do? I could hardly go around punching old people - If I could do that Tesco would be deserted at lunch times!

I had to think of another plan of action. Something that I knew I was good at, that other people could get involved in, that I could do better than any old man......it hit me in a flash...something I am brilliant at and have had lots of practice in....the answer my friends was WANKING! Good old fashioned masturbation could save the day! And I was an expert at that lovely act of self-gratification - even other people recognise that as I often hear them saying "oh no here's that wanker again" when I walk towards them.

I weighed up the odds of it - it was a risk I know - if enough people got involved a mass orgasm could actually cause the earthquakes that old Harry do-dah was predicting, meaning that one of my main pleasures in life would be the instrument of our doom! It was a chance worth taking, I mean at least if I failed I would be going out with a smile on my face. And if I did it long enough I would end up welded to the bedsheets so although I couldn't rise to Heaven I also couldn't fall to hell. I'd be permanently stuck to my bed for all eternity - something I actually crave on a Monday morning!

I decided that it was our best bet of success and so I turned to my lovely, sexy, brilliant Twitter followers and told them the plan to #BeatTheRaptureByWanking - Beating by Beating if you like! Do you know what? They jumped at the chance to join in! Another person would say that they just needed any excuse for a wank but not me. I knew they were brave soldiers ready to fight the forces of Rapture with every beat of their.....heart!

And so we started! I got my usual supply of "inSPURTational" material - my @WinceyWillis1 calender 1985, my picture of @MuppetFitz on a bed of roses, and the sex tape of Wagner and Mary Byrne - and teeth gritted I got to work. Hour after hour went by as I cavorted with Madame Palm and her 5 lovely daughters, literally willing away The Rapture with every gird of my loins (I just wanted to use that phrase! lol). The morning passed into afternoon while I slowly started to look like a trapped Chilean miner, eyes almost clenched shut. My face a bright red beachball of heavy breathing and the occasional groan. I could feel the power of the Wank driving that rapture away as more and more Tweeps got involved.

That simple gift of Onanism actually stopped The Rapture. I realised later on, with my Popeye sized arm in a bowl of ice, that the phrase "Wanking is good" had never been more apt - in this case a little bit of hand relief had kept the world spinning for at least another year. If I could have I would have patted myself on the back. Instead I decided to celebrate by letting "old lefty" have a turn for a change - a celebratory wank for a job well done.

And if The Rapture threatens again you will find me, and probably other Tweeps, are willing to once again #BeatTheRaptureByWanking.

I wonder if it's The Rapture again tonight.....