There are some things we do in life because we enjoy and there are some things we do in life that we do because we are nice people. I did a nice thing today when I let my nephew watch Nickelodeon on the telly. As such I was subjected to the joys (never has sarcasm been used with such delight) of the kids TV of this generation. As such I found myself watching some American shite (no offence Americans I’m calling the show not the nation) of the ilk of iCarley or Drake & Josh (it’s embarrassing that I know the names of these programmes).
I found myself turning into one of those people who goes on about how Curly Wurly’s were bigger when they were young, about how the summers were longer and skies bluer, and how they spent their days with no consoles and computers and just spent their days playing Hide & Seek, football and British Bulldogs. I was thinking to myself that kid’s programmes were much better “when I were a lad”. However, when I thought about it a bit longer I realised that maybe I was getting all caught up in one of those generational things.
I know for a fact that I don’t get the shows my parents watched. Andy Pandy was so cheesy that I’m surprised there aren’t more lactose intolerant people around. And what about Fingerbobs? A show with puppets made out of paper and you could see the fingers of the puppeteers. And The Magic Roundabout? – I think I would need to be on LSD to have a clue what was going on there!
So then I wondered how I would explain the shows I loved as a kid to a future generation and it occurred to me that they would think I was mental for enjoying such shows. I’ll show you why (this might be more fun if you are in the 25-35ish bracket). See if you can guess the following 10 programmes which I loved as a child, as they may be explained nowadays :-
1) Technologically advanced Anthropomorphic felines, each with artefacts that imbue a special ability upon them, battle a Mummy, and his gang of henchmen, which include anthropomorphic versions of a Toad, Monkey & Jackal. Did I mention you could defeat the powerful enemy by showing him his own reflection?
2) Ring-tailed mammals take part in various environmentally friendly adventures in a forest while thwarting the capitalist overtures of a phallic-nosed Aardvark-like creature
3) A middle-aged man lives with a bear with learning difficulties, a homosexual hippopotamus, and the mutated offspring of an egg and a pair of corduroy trousers, whilst being regularly interrupted by three swinging singers with a penchant for stripy tops and white trousers.
4) A latex crocodile, ably assisted by a latex rat and latex mouse runs a successful magazine show from the sewers
5) A Lion and his faithful companion, a Lynx, circumnavigate the globe with a deadline.
6) A middle-aged man, who never the less insists on wearing Bermuda shorts and a novelty spectacles, attacks young children with a foam hammer for their failure to fully grasp the diversity of the English Language, whilst pulling tongues at them and desecrating their faces with plasters scrawled with mild smut.
7) A small basset hound dog rides a horse around 17th Century France battling ne’er-do-wells with the aid of 3 other dogs, all the time hoping to get off with another dog who works for the Queen.
8) A Prince with a split personality battles a man who seems to have suffered complete necrosis of the face and his henchmen, some of whom consist of a man with three eyes, a man whose special talent is fisting people (this is actually true), a woman so evil that she uses it as her first name, and a man who seems to be the result of botched genetic experiment between a man and a fish. Don’t worry though the dual personality dude has help. From a tiger suffering from severe nervous tension, a man who has had his legs replaced with springs, a red dishcloth and what appears to be Tom Selleck.
9) Robotic Televisions, with a day job working a reporters, help a Professor with a speech impediment battle various evil elements.
10) A mullet headed man, in an obvious sexual relationship with twin sisters, takes great joy in making children sticky, then forcing them to compete against each other driving Go Karts around a track, and then subjecting them to a house that attacks them. (This is not SAW)
See what I mean? The TV of my generation sounds like a very strange thing, so maybe now when I am in my 90’s sitting in my own piss in a nursing home and I hear the 75 year olds telling their grandchildren about how American Teenagers, who looked older than their age, and could afford to live in luxury apartments/loft houses, despite the fact they seemingly had no parents, whilst they only worked in a diner or cinema, I will just sit there with a wry smile and ponder on my own television glory years.
I must go now anyway. I’ve booked a room in Dizzy Heights hotel, because tomorrow I am meeting Alfonso Bonzo for Eggs ‘N’ Baker and then we are going to watch Jossy’s Giants play a match, before meeting Terry Nutkins, who is going to tell us about his sexploits with Michaela Strachan. Apparently they were Really Wild!