Saturday, 16 July 2011

Nice To See You...

Picture the scene – It’s the Garden Of Eden, and a very angry Mr God has just banished Adam & Eve for being greedy apple eating bastards, the serpent is condemned to crawl on his belly, and the angel with the fiery sword guards the path so nobody can return - Oh yeah I’ve got a B in Religion GCSE, I know my Bible! (Would have been an A if I knew my Koran a bit better!) but there is one person who is never mentioned in the scriptures, one man who has roamed the Earth for millions of years – if you listen closely you will hear him tap dancing his way out of the Garden of Eden trying to perfect a new catchphrase “Didn’t she do…bad?”

Fast forward a few thousand years and Our Lord Jesus has been crucified and has been in his tomb for three days, when suddenly the witnesses hear the sound of “Life…is the name of the game, and I want to play the game with you…” Suddenly, Jesus has risen from the dead, and the sound of tap dancing fades into the distance. Didn’t he do well?

Fast forward another few thousand years and there is trouble brewing in England. Civil war threatens the stability of the country. A battle takes place at Edgehill and things look bad for the Royalists, when suddenly a loud noise is heard booming from the hill – everybody looks up and there silhouetted against the moon is the figure of a man…half crouching, fist to head, chin made of granite, slender legs tapered behind him, and he says the immortal words “Nice to see you…” and all assembled cannot help themselves “…to see you nice” – but it is not nice, as the man of legend, older than Joan Collins herself, jumps down the hill and tap dances over every single roundhead on the battle field. Didn’t he do well? However it is not enough to turn the tide of the war, and because of his royalist leanings the legendary man is forced into hiding for hundreds more years.

We reach 1916 and the First World War is raging. The Allies need a new weapon to help them in the war. Technology has progressed and the horseless carriage has come to the fore. However, they are just not strong enough to survive battle. But then he appears again out of nowhere at a secret military location, so secret that even he does not know where it is, and he shows them that horseless carriages can be made sturdier. He brings out his secret weapon – it is a horseless carriage with giant sized playing cards attached to it all over making a giant shell – ladies and gentlemen that Tank is invented. Didn’t he do well?

But he disappears again…
…not too long this time though. For as prophesised by Nostradamus himself in 1939 he appears to perk up morale during the war

“And lo when the silver birds of the sky shall deploy their wretched spheres of
Destruction about the green and pleasant land, they boy of atoms shall appear
and shalt question the people about how well she or he did”

And the prediction came true….that man is none other than Sir Bruce Forsyth. Owner of the finest hair ever produced by the British Cotton Company, the beadiest eyes seen on a non-eagle, and the ability to entertain any crowd he chooses. He has barely changed over the years. He will tap dance if anyone so much as looks at him, will sing like a Britain’s Got Talent Pensioner act, and will spout words of poetry not heard since the Bard himself was alive. Poems such as….

“I’m the leader of the pack,
Which is what makes me such a lucky jack,
They say all good things come in pairs,
Well look at these two croupiers,
Look at them they’re so appealing,
Come on Dollies, do your dealing”

Words to bring tear to a glass eye I am sure you will agree!

So let me tell you a few facts about Brucie….

Did you know….know did you?
That because of all his tap dancing, Brucie has a stronger kick than a shire horse.

Did you know….know did you?
Brucie’s hair is so flame retardant that he singlehandedly put out the fire at Windsor Castle by doing a headstand throughout the building.

Did you know….know did you?
The cards in Play Your Cards Right were originally normal sized, but Brucie refused to wear glasses so they just made the cards bigger over the years

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie trades in his wife for a taller model every 25 years because he refuses to wear glasses

Did you know….know did you?
As well as writing the theme tune to the Generation Game, Brucie also wrote the popular songs, Smack My Bitch Up, Mull of Kintyre, Agadoo, and Edge of Glory

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie’s chin is so strong that Geoff Capes once broke his wrist when he accidently waved his hand into Brucie’s face

Did you know….know did you?
That even at the age he is now Brucie has sex every 4 hours, and is still very good in the sack, but is insecure and asks to ask about himself “Didn’t he do well?”

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie was already a Sir after being given the honour by Elizabeth I for undisclosed services, though rumour has it she was not such a Virgin afterwards

So love him or hate him – you have to admit that the man is a living legend, and if you don’t agree he will tap dance all over you and then your grave. Who knows what the future holds for Sir Bruce Forsyth. I have heard rumours that the Ministry Of Defence are currently making some humungous sized playing cards ready to deploy if Brucie demands it, and the world’s Tallest Woman has been seen hanging around the Strictly Come Dancing studio.

No matter what happens we will always know that it is “Nice to see you….to see you nice”


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