Enjoy The Big Balls

Hello Dear Tweepies

Seen as though I quite enjoyed doing my last blog post about Westlife, I thought I'd dig out another one of my old blogs from a few years ago, give it a dust up and present it to a new generation. This one is about etiquette, because as you can no doubt tell from my tweets I am the height of decorum and the best possible person to advise you on how to act in polite society.

As you are no doubt aware in any social calender, you will find that Christmas is the time for numerous Balls. You might be daunted by such occasions, but with my help and by following the 8 simple steps below you will find that you can mingle with High Society without embarrassment. Who knows, you may even be invited to Prince William & Kate Middleton's Wedding.

The 7 Virtues Of Correct Usage Of The English Language
(A.K.A What Not To Swear)


1. Greetings (aka the Sir Joseph Boswell Technique)
The correct way to greet your fellow party patrons is to use the much maligned "Hello". Do remember that as a member of the elite you should pronounce this thusly "Hail Ear" practice this out loud so that it become second nature. One should not under any circumstances say "Hi" "Wotcha" or "Fucking hell it's hot in here, the sweat is pissing out of me!"

2. Affirmation (aka The Lady Katherine Price "Just Cannot Say No" Technique)
One may find oneself in conversation with a fellow patron, and find oneself, for example, in a discussion about the problems with your servants, and how best to handle your staff. Quite often a patron will have a viable solution which you agree with. The correct way to agree with a question of course is to use the word "Yes" (pronounce "Ears"). One should not say "Too Fucking Right" or "Yeah, I know"

3. Negatory (aka the Doctor No Technique)
On occasion one might find oneself in the unfortunate position of having to disagree with ones fellow patron. For example, Lady Lorraine Kelly may say in polite conversation to Countess Fiona Phillips "One has found that one has reached one limits with cucumber now don't you think?" the Countess however has developed other uses for said legume and would like to reply in a negative manner. Of course the Countess should say "No" (Pronounce this as "Near") not "Bollocks" or "No Fucking Way"

4. Refreshments (aka The Sir George Best Technique)
Of course Social Balls are always filled with alcohol, which is perfectly acceptable. For preference Ladies should drink Champagne or good Cabernet Sauvignon (a '79 for preference) and Gentlemen should drink a good Cognac or Port. One should not say "Mine's a pint" or "Shall we have shooters" but should opt for more decorum and say "Ears Lady Beckham I would like to partake in a petite glarss of Chateau Distel"

5. Powdering One's Nose (aka The Lady Kathrine Moss Technique)
With the refreshments flowing at some point one would undoubtedly need to use the facilities of the establishment. This is a tricky situation, which will require your tact and social graces. You should politely excuse yourself with a polite euphemism, such as "Excusez-Moi, but I must have a word with Mr Armitage Shanks" or "I must freshen up". Under no circumstances say "I need to shake my lettuce" or "Frigging hell the turtles head is poking out"

6. The Excuse Me (aka The Sir John Travolta Technique)
During one of these Balls there will no doubt be a musical interlude which will require you to partake in some dancing. This is all well and good, but under no circumstances should a lady approach a gentleman. Ladies should stand to one side of the room, and coquettishly fan themselves or mingle in small groups. At this point the Gentleman should should approach a suitable lady and say "Excuse me my lady, but would you do me the very great honour of accompanying me for this dance?". Do not under any circumstances say "Grab your coat love, you've pulled" or "I fucking love this song, dance you miserable bastard".

7. The Art Of Mingling (aka The Mr The Merciless Technique)
One should use the occasion to make social connections to the right persons in attendance. By mingling with your fellow patrons you will soon receive invitations to a variety of Garden Parties, Candlelit Suppers and Bar Mitzvah's, and therefore increase your social standings. You should approach fellow patrons give a brief introduction and then discuss relevant topics such as "All of these Johnny Foreigners are taking our jobs" and "You just can't get the staff today". Do not say "Alright fat arse, how's it going" or "Huh huh huh, David Walliams took me up the wrong'un last night"


Wear For Art Thou
(aka "Suits You Sir!")

Of course one knows that one's appearance is the only way to guarantee one's future invitation to prestigious events. Luckily things are quite simple this season. Gentlemen should of course wear Top Hat, Tails & Full Three Piece Suit. Monocles are optional. Some Middle Class People have taken to smoking Cuban Cigars, but a REAL Gentleman should only attempt to smoke a Pipe. Ladies should wear full Ball Gown, Fur Stole, Head Gear and of course a fan. Parasols are acceptable if the weather is inclement. Ladies should not smoke if possible, but if they do it should be black cigarettes from a Cigarette Holder. One should not Roll Their Own or smoke Marijuana.

And there we have it. These simple lessons should allow you to enjoy your night and keep you safe in the knowledge that you have held yourself in complete decorum. Enjoy the Ball.

Don't Forget The Key Change In The Final Fifth

A bit of a Gaelic themed blog for you today, as I pick on the Oirish or rather four Oirish people to be exact, namely Westlife. The laziest band in Pop. Anyone could form a band like Westlife, and I suggest you give it a try because you could end up being the next Louis Walsh, though probably not as much as a C**t and you won't have to dye your hair Stoaty Weasely Grey/brown.
To make your own Westlife you need to follow 5 simple steps.....

STEP 1 - "I have a dream"
To form your new band you need to find 5 decent looking lads, only one of which needs to know how to sing, though if you can find 2 you are set. To make your own Westlife you will need the following types though - the good singer with the strangely shaped head; the secret gay who loves singing and gets all emotional when he is singing about love; one who will struggle with his weight thus providing newspapers with enough fodder that you can keep your gay closeted for years; one who would like to be cute but actually looks a bit like a transvestite; and finally the best looking one who is unfortunately mute. Your new band members must now project an image of good homeloving lads who want to buy their ma a new house.

STEP 2 - "Fool Again"
Save yourself a bit of money and protect the fat singers life by NOT employing a choreographer. Invest in 5 stools (don't worry if one of them leaves to make it as a solo singer you can sell the stool on ebay - just keep all the packaging!) and then dress your singers in suits and have them sitting down in all their concerts thus disguising their woeful dancing skills. This saves even more money because you don't have to rent one of those rooms with a big mirror in it for them to practice or hire Louis Spence.

STEP 3 - "Against All Odds"
The hard part comes now, or does it? You have to have some songs that the public will like and want to buy, but the public are a fickle lot in the most part, so how do you know what they will like? Easy, just rob songs that have already been a top 10 hit and use your formula for making the song have that Westlife sound. Namely, the brief pause followed by a key change in the final fifth where you get the lads (well the two who do the singing) to give it some welly. Don't worry no one will cotton on that you do the same thing in every song until you have made some serious money. To improve your chances of having a hit get a struggling singer from the 80's who wants to promote a Greatest Hits album to duet with you. I'm sure Lionel Richie or Lulu will be available. If all else fails bring out a swing album, it worked for Robbie Williams after all.

STEP 4 -"Flying Without Wings"
Are you finding that you feel that the band is getting a bit stale? How can you spice it up? That's easy too. Encourage the one with the biggest ego to show his real self to the public, he doesn't want to be making sugary pop songs, he wants to prove to the world that he is a real muscian. Let him write a few songs, don't worry you can use them as B-Sides or put them at the arse end of the next album. With any luck he will want to go solo for more credibility - oh no that's a disaster - no it isn't for you - only for him! All you need to do is get the remaining four lads to tell the press that they bravely will carry on with Mr Ego! Time to bring out that swing album to keep the momentum going I think. If things still seem stale after this all you need to do is out the gay one. The press will go wild, the gay community will want to support their fellow gay, it's win win!

STEP 5 - "You Raise Me Up"
It's 10 years since the band have finally split up after their RnB album failed. They've all tried to move on - the good singer with the funny shaped head had a one-hit wonder and is still big in Japan; the gay one came third in Dancing on Stilts; the mute took up DJing, but only gets weddings now; the fat one was given an MOT by Dr Gillian Keith, who just by looking at his poo came up with a diet & he now weighs in at an almost svelte 13st; and the transvestite look-a-like became a judge on I'm In The Mood For Dancing, the show on a quest to find someone to play Berni Nolan in the musical about the Oirish Pop sisters. With all of their careers on the skids now is the perfect time to reform the group and ride a wave of late 90's/early 2000's nostalgia. Get the group on tour and you can even re-release the Greatest Hits Album, and even include that version of 9 to 5 that you had been saving for the winner of X-Factor 14. You don't even have to worry about having groups for supporting artists - Aqua and Louis Bega are gagging for the gig. Pocket yourself another few million squid! Well done - hell you might even get to be reality TV judge yourself - in fact I hear that Ben Elton has written a musical about Another Level and they want you to be the nasty judge!

And there you have it - you very own guide to being a successful Pop Manager -I promise you it's easy - in fact I''ll even 'Swear it again' it's EASY!

Tales Of An Habitual Twitter Criminal

8pm - So right - it's happened again. I've been sent down for crimes against Twitter. My crime? Exceeding the hourly tweet rate - erm, am I wrong is Twitter not all about tweeting people? I thought that was what it was invented for? Still I must serve my hour's punishment I suppose.

Well it doesn't matter because I'm an old hand when it comes to Twitterjail now! This prison can't hold me long, but I'm not gonna break out this time. I'll show you around the joint. You can be Godber to my Fletch. Things should be good this time I've managed to secreet a stash of Twittersnout in a secret place and should get through as long as I don't get that screw with the very long fingers - I swear he touched my tonsils with them last time, and he didn't put them in my mouth!

8:05pm - I've had my strip search now and managed to sneak my Twittersnout in - that should be enough for me to have an easy time in here - just gotta get well in with the Grouty of Twitterjail @jakecanuso and I should be okay!

8:10pm - Oh shit - that old scrote 'Orrible Twitter Ives is here again. If you take my advice you will stay away from him. He's nothing but trouble the shifty bastard!

8:12pm - I've just heard that @missswearsalot has been taken into the women's wing! She is causing a right commotion. It seems that some Twitterlesbians tried it on with her and she was having no shit from them. She's a good person to have on your side in Twitterjail. Can get anything into the prison. God knows how she does it!

8:15pm - oh look who they have brought in - its @lukethornhill - what's the bets old Butterfingers will head straight for the Twittershowers. He just can't help himself

8:18pm - what do you think of the cell? It's all so familiar - they only let me bring 2 posters in this time, so I've opted for my @nicola__thomas one and my @elphabob one - they should improve the view in here, and I've got my book of @williamstafford funnies so that's a good read to pass the time.

8:25pm - Bit of commotion -I've heard a rumour that a few of the Twitterlags are thinking of holding the Failwhale hostage when he comes in to see the Twitterjail Governor @Stephenfry! That could cause trouble for the lot of us - don't get involved.

8:34pm - Finally managed to get my phone call - gonna use it to call @Lightbringer87 - he's a popular guy and can get the message out to the #freethegazabellone crew!

8:38pm - Just received a DM telling me that the #freethegazabellone crew have mobilised. @Lesterbuddy @ jasperbunny @_chris23 and @TMCphotographs have petitioned the governor to give me a reprieve it might work. Meanwhile @ MistiCBR has dug out some #freethegazabellone t-shirts to giveout.

8:42pm - There's that @lukethornhill on the way back from the showers with a smile on his face. He love's it!

8:48pm - Disaster, so close to my release time and @5_15 is trying to break into Twitterjail to free me. Hold on my Scottish friend I will be out soon! patience is the name of the game!

8:51pm - I received a cake from @Boddingtons - it's got a file in it. I'm not doing her admin for her while I'm here, she can do it herself!

8:58pm - They are getting ready to ship me out - apparently @AaaronOnYourFace is getting my cell next - he's another serial offender! Just in time too, because @paulinecjones is supposed to be coming in to talk to us about our prospects!

8:59pm - They are giving me my things back because I'm due to be released. It's nice to get the red stripeys back. I missed them.

9pm - Freeeeeeeedom! Ahhhh and look who is here to meet me - It's @xClairetweets_ - it must be our #hotelinspector date night.


Well tweeps now you have had a look at life on the inside of Twitterjail I hope it encourages you to never end up here! On the other hand if you are like me I'll see here again in an hour.

Just remember that when I disappear if you tweet #freethegazabellone I get released quicker (not true in the slightest but you never know!)

Until we meet again! xx

Punnilingus (Part4)

Even more puns:-

• I'm using wizard of oz bubble bath. There's no place like foam.

• You said I used to light up your life. Well I did always hold a torch for you.

• Electrical items make me really angry, but then again I always did have a short fuse

• That doctor was a bit cruel using sodium chloride to treat my injury. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound.

• They want me to come up with a sum using only the number 0 Nought will come of it.

• I went to a sexy party where people tried to grow plants in my arse. It was a bit seedy!

• I really really miss all those evergreen trees. I think I'm starting to pine.

• I heard some lovely music in the elevator today. It really lifted me up.

• I had a bowl of carpet cuttings for breakfast today. All part of my high fibre diet.

• Look at that fella who won all those cheese slices. The Krafty bastard!

• My boss told me he wanted to caress my buttocks with his lips! He can kiss my arse if he thinks I'm gonna let him do that!

• I was going to go play snooker, but there's a terrible cue.

• I promised to due all of the polishing every day. I'm sorry I took that pledge now.

• Some man in the park is throwing waterfowl at people! Quick DUCK!

• I think my boss thinks I'm fireproof? I'm sure i've just heard him say I'm retardant!

• I made a lot of money in glue sales, so I'm fairly solvent.

• Ike & Tina named their child after their favourite book. She's a real Paige Turner.

• I've just made some head lice from wool. Gonna call them Knits!

• My mum said she cant be bothered to fix the stitching on my trousers. The lazy sew & sew!

• I've just told a woman she's got a face like an open shop. That shutter up!

• I hate that man with a face like a teapot! Always spouting off!

• In work they made me carry so many belts that I started to buckle!

• I'm doing a telephone survey about collecting jewellery. If anybody is interested can they give me a ring.

• Our local gymnastics team have electrified the Horse, so I have to volt it now.

• Just seen a brilliant movie about sheet metal work. I was riveted!

• I've taken to snorting wasps for the high. Something about it really gives me a buzz.

• The Police want me to join their Duvet Division. I'm going undercover.

• What about this new lotion that is supposed to clean your hair & is made from human faeces! It didn't even work. It was a Sham Poo

• In the rubbish dump there was a huge pile of weighing machines that I felt I just had to climb. So I did and I scaled new heights.

• A girl in work left this week. She's a big Country & Western fan so we got her "The Best Of Dolly". It was a Parton gift.

• Somebody keeps ringing me & singing Prince Charming & Stand & Deliver down the phone. I keep telling him to fuck off.... but he's adamant. (Not one of my own but made me laugh!)

• I've decided that if I ever become a rapping politician I'm going to call myself "The Rhyme Minister"

• Help! I've fallen into a massive jar of vinegar and now I'm in a bit of a pickle!

• I've just accidentally drank some hair colouring! I could have dyed!

• My uncle has married an insect! I guess that makes her my Ant?

• What are those boats called that transport plasma? Blood vessels isn't it?

• Your eyes are absolutely beautiful! Sorry. Could I get any cornea?

• Do you know what makes me smile? A colon, hyphen and a close bracket symbol together.

• This enforced transvestism has really upset me. I'm in dis-dress!

• Oh streetlamps! You light up my life you know! <3

• I'm eager to enter the "Guess The Condiment" Competition. You could say I'm keen as mustard.

• Have you ever tried smoking a rodent? Man it made me really trippy. That was some bad skunk!

• My first film about frogs went down really well. I'm hoping it will spawn a sequel.

• I have invented a zip that you can pre-set to undo whenever you want them to. Gonna call them "Time flies"

• I've joint a cult that regards dripping & cooking fat above everything else. Praise The Lard!

• I've got a phobia of masonry. Every time I see some I start bricking it.

• I'd like to cut all the wool off a sheep with a huge pair of scissors! Just for the shear thrill of it.

• They've made some marvellous advances in boob jobs recently. I'm keeping abreast of the situation.

• I shouldn't have let them paint me indigo today. It's left me feeling blue.

• I stayed in that fungus hotel last night. It wasn't too bad, but there wasn't mushroom.

• They want me to go and harvest their crop of fibres! Now wait a cotton pickin' minute!

• Working in this Michelin factory doesn't half tyre me out.

• I need somebody to make these metal gloves I've designed. Any takers? I'm throwing down the gauntlet.

• I'm waiting for my communist VHS cassettes to be delivered, but there is a problem with export. Bloody red tape!

• I don't rate smoking pebbles! So much for getting stoned!

• Have you seen that man whose had his eyes replaced with potatoes? No? Keep 'em peeled then!

• They said I can have tomorrow off work because I cleaned all the toilets. Time off in loo I think they said.

• I've just been told that I won't get my next army promotion. That's a Major letdown.

• I did crap in the first hopping race, but I'm hoping to do better in the second leg.

• My Indian mate robbed all my clothes, so I robbed all of theirs. Who's Sari now?!

• So they have invented marijuana with ground up crustaceans in it. I believe it's known as Lobster Pot.

• I've read that they have translated the Bible into Cockney. Would you Adam & Eve it?

• I've just been complimented on the size of my one-eyed blinks I think. I'm sure I've just heard somebody say I'm a massive winker.

• I'm really annoyed with that fella who does the puzzles in the paper. I can see us having crosswords!

• Someone asked me if we can have the Union Jack on the wall in work. I'll have to flag it up at the next meeting.

• Lost some money on crab racing today, but managed to claw most of it back.

• The government are refusing to explain why they are shooting duvets into the sky. I think it's some kind of cover up.

• Gutted that I've had to sell my antique globe because I was desperate for cash. That thing was my world!

• That testicle juggling act did not go down well with the royal family. Somebody dropped a bollock there.

• I've been sweating cider recently. No wonder everyone says I've got Strongbow.

• I was going to replace all my own windows, but it sounded a bit of a pane to do.

• I'm a champion banana skinner. I always did think I would grow up to be a-peeling.

• The doctor is looking for volunteers for a "nasal epidermal cultivation" experiment. I might apply. It's no skin off my nose.

• Our love would be so special if it wasn't for your allergy to wax, because nobody can hold a candle to you.

• There's something going on in this light fittings shop, but they are keeping me in the shade.

• My dope-smoking mate said that all cows are obsidian really. That's the Pot calling the cattle black.

• What's that word for somebody who hates campanology? It doesn't ring any bells at the moment.

• I think I'd wear make up, but it would make me blush.

• There is something wrong with this machine gun. It's the repeater. It's the repeater. It's the repeater. It's the repeater.

Punnilungus (Part 3)

Yet more punnage for your enjoyment:-

• I wanted to know more about spiders so I looked them up on the web.

• I've just seen somebody cripple a dromedary with a little plastic tube. I'm sorry but that's the straw that broke the camels back!

• NIPPLES! Sorry that was just something I had to get off my chest.

• I have a talent for naming things you can wear around your wrists. Quite often I can do it off the cuff.

• I've made the biggest Ice Cream in the World. It's going to be really hard to beat. It's gonna take some lickin'

• I'm going to win Security Product of the Year. It's a lock.

• If your an alibi for a Jehovah's Witness does that make you a Jehovah's Witness Witness?

• I love the mathematical symbol "less than 3"

• I've invented the one rung ladder. That will be my first step to greatness.

• I've just made some priests vestments out of a dishrag. I truly am a man of the cloth.

• They say Doctor Who has a very firm bladder. That's why he's been known to pert wee

• I've been throwing my watch up in the air for hours. My doesn't time fly.

• Just seen that Matt Smith. Who does he think he is? His predecessor was my landlord. Yes I was David's tenant.

• I really enjoy getting dressed up as a nun, but It's a really bad habit.

• I'm going to tell you a really long joke about a Grizzly now, but bear with me.

• I'm been put forward for an Engraver of the Year Award. I think I've got a good chance. It's not written in stone though.

• I've been sacked from my job in the photograph developers, but I'm not going to get all negative about it.

• Came home drunk late last night & fell asleep in the kennel. Looks like that's me in dog house again!

• I think I'm allergic to this job making caskets. I just can't stop coffin.

• If women have bras, shouldn't men have some kind of underwear top to wear. I have a vested interest in this subject.

• What about this kitten they have parachuted into Trafalgar Square. That will certainly put the cat amongst the pigeons.

• My Ford Fiesta is flooded! Looks like I'll have to car pool this week.

• I wanted to build something I could keep all my books on, but I've had to shelve the idea for now.

• That joke I just told the cloakroom attendant didn't go down to well. I'll get my coat...

• I'm super speedy when it comes to taking pictures. Quick as a flash you might say.

• If I caught any friends of mine on Heroin I'd give them a smack!

• I'm playing hide & seek and hiding in a bin. The only thing is I'm so excited I can barely contain myself.

• What is the Hulk's favourite potato substitute? SMASH

• The bottom of all the walls in this house have got cracks in them. I could cover them up, but that would be just skirting around the issue.

• The local Santa impersonator is absolutely rubbish. If I was his boss I'd be giving him the sack.

• Wind energy turbines - part of me wishes I was one but I'd be rubbish. Another part of me hates them. I suppose I'm not the biggest fan.

• They decorated the office, but have to wait a few days to finish it & asked me to keep an eye on it. It's so boring. Like watching paint dry

• I can't stand those people who treat me like a block of cheese. It really grates on me.

Punnilingus (Part 2)

Couldn't fit all of this week's puns on one page, so here is part 2. Hope you enjoy them :-)


• No-one seems ever seems to have any idea about want to do with these dogs, so once again I have to take the lead.

• Got a great new hobby cataloguing tree debris. You would love it. Why don't you take a leaf out of my book?

• "What would you do if a bird shat on your car?" "Dump her!" [A Chubby Brown one I think]

• Look at that man with with a head like an angry cloud. Oooo he's got a face like thunder!

• Just read that they are going to try revive coma patients with cappuccino. Come off it! Wake up & smell the coffee!

• iPhone has invented something for when you are really tired. There's a nap for that.

• I'm not talking to that women with a windscreen for a face. That'll wiper eye.

• Got my nocturnal shift laying ceramics coming up later. Looks like another night on the tiles for me.

• Steve Davis is looking for an amateur to play snooker against. I've applied & I think I'm in the frame!

• I keep getting a hard-on every time I sneeze. Don't worry I'm taking something for it. Pepper. [This is somebody else’s, but I can’t remember who]

• The noise out of that Tennis supplies factory! They're not half making a racquet!

• Did you know that you can now buy body parts of dead Hollywood celebrities? I've got Bette Davis eyes.

• I don't like this Art exhibition about facial hair. It's all a bit eyebrow for me.

• That woman off GMTV has been sticking her finger in my eye all morning. She's left now and I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone.

• I'm aching all over after plowing that field for the wheat crop. Still it's true what they say. No pain - no grain.

• All those doubters. They said I'd never get that picture to stay up, but I nailed it!

• This wonky door looks like it could fall over any minute. It all hinges on what happens next.

• BUY THE NEW 18-SOCKET EXTENSION LEAD ONLY £19.99 BUY OUR NEW 15-TROUGH SINKS ONLY £89.99 Sorry about all of the plugs

• If they think they can break into this time piece shop while I'm on guard they've got another thing coming. Not on my watch.

• I'd love to be in a really gritty vampire film or play. You know something you can really get your teeth into.

• I shouldn't have brought up those missing shoes. I feel like I've put my foot in it now.

• I've never been a fan of denim & my dad & grandad are both the same. Must be something in the jeans.

• What about these people who put bin liners over there heads for thrills? I'm sorry but that's just not my bag.

• I'm having sone A-Team crisps now. Either Salt & Vinegar or Cheese & Onion. One thing is for certain I ain't getting on no Plain

• Was going to make one of those A-Team soups, but they look a bit watery. I feel a bit sorry for them. In fact you could say I pity the gruel

• I've just made one of those A-Team quiches from scratch. I love it when a flan comes together.

• I urgently need to find a picture of Peter Pan's enemy & a burglar. By Hook or by crook I'll get them.

Part 1 is HERE in case you missed it

Punnilingus 1

Wotcha Peeps

I thought I'd put up all those cheesy pun/jokes I have been putting on my twitter all week on this blog. About 90% of them I have made up myself (or least hope I have) but there are probably the odd one or two that I have heard in the past and posted, but can't remember who's joke it was. I always give credit to anybody elses joke I use on my Twitter feed.

Here are the first batch anyway:-


• I've won loads of awards for my udder technique, but I don't like to milk it.

• If ever I was held hostage on holiday I'd hide in my luggage. You know. Just in case.

• My donkey looks like it needs some vetinary treatment down one side. That's a right pain in the ass.

• The doctors have told me that they need to "extract some mictration" from me. I don't like it. It sounds like they are taking the piss.

• Someone just threw a razor out of a window and it barely missed me. That was was a close shave.

• I FUCKING HATE PAWNS, ROOKS & KINGS! Sorry about that. It was just something I had to get off my Chess.

• I tried to get all the conkers out of that big oak, but only managed to get a couple. Still two out of tree ain't bad.

• I wanted to finish my story about giving presents, but I didn't know how to wrap it up.

• Just been offered a job assembling furniture, but screw that!

• They told me that there is nothing so addictive as hanging off a wall. They were right. I'm hooked on it.

• The doctor told me that the best way to hide the marks on my neck is by wearing some kind of neckerchief. I feel like I'm scarfed for life

• If those Ninja mops think they can have me in a fight they are so wrong! I'll wipe the floor with them.

• This pilot is flying too close to the water. That much is 'plane to sea

• Those numbers they put on boxes of bulbs. Watts that all about?

• I've just spilt my perrier over a mallard. It didn't mind too much. It was like water off a ducks back.

• Today I've invented the plain pizza. Top that!

• I don't like the way our local shop constantly tries to force you to buy herbs & fish. I mean there's a Thyme and a Plaice for everything.

• I let you in on a little secret. I've invented something that will keep food fresh in jars. Shhh though, I want to keep lid on it for now.

• My mate has wrote a song about Camembert, that she thinks will be a big hit. I'm not so sure. It sounds a bit cheesy to me.

• I think my brother is hiding a poker addiction so I confronted him about it. I told him it's cards on the table time.

• I used to be in a double act called The Bras, but I left because I felt like a right tit.

• My ongoing rant about my broken zip must have pissed off my mates, because the keep telling me to button it!

• Is it just me or would the best name for a shop that sells space suits & crucifixes be " 'Nauts & Crosses "

• I was going to make some spreadable explosives before, but on second thoughts I butter not.

• Someone knocked at the door before claiming to be selling Transparency Lotion. Wasn't conning me. I told him I could see right through him!

• People have said that my obsession with door nobs is out of control but I think I've got a handle on it.

• I had terrible trouble getting my trilby off before, but my mate came through for me and helped remove it. I've gotta take my hat off to him

• I find that if I make Indian food for my friends they will do things for me. That's one way to curry favour I suppose.

• And there's no way I'd ever work in a helium factory again. I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice! [This was some American comedian’s joke who was on Mock The Week, but I love it. Think his name was Hal somethingorother]

• I'd be a butcher, but I think it doesn't pay well and it would be hard to makes ends meat

• My ideal job would be teaching prostitutes to sing acapella but ho hum [I think this is one that I may have heard before, but told better]

Part 2 to follow

Hello

Wotcha Peeps

This will be my place to blogwhen the mood takes me. It probably won't happen much to be honest, but at least if I want to vent I can always come here and do it.

That is all for now

TTFN