A Jail Of Two Twitties

I thought I would do a bit of a blog about the phenomenon of #Twitterjail. As you may or may not be aware I am a bit of an expert on this cold, dark soulless place – it’s the place where the bad boys & girls of Twitter go – whether they are a serial offender, a Twebel without a cause or just bored stiff and feeling the need to tweet A LOT.

For those of you who do not know what #Twitterjail is then let me explain. For a good reason Twitter has set a limit on how many tweets you can do in an hour and day. The reason is those dreaded Spambots and cockknockers who tweet you all shit about “I saw this bad thing in a blog about you”, or pounce if you mention Star Wars, Gary Glitter or the nameless one – let’s call him – Justine Beaver. Now nobody wants to have to face those terrors, well unless you actually crave company that much that you declare you are a Bel-eaver (see what I did!), who is sitting down watching Star Wars, while listening to Leader Of The Gang and ordering v1@gra off a dodgy site. I can totally see why Twitter does that.

However, their system also stops the chatty Tweeps of Twitter – people like me, who can easily bash their 114 Tweets Per Hour no problems – and as a result I get temporarily suspended from Tweeting for usually an hour, occasionally a lot less and often a lot more. This leaves you with the option of DMing – which people can miss anyway, or the clever option I used – setting up a second account – in my case @gazabelljailed

Firstly let me combat some myths you might have about why you end up in #Twitterjail. People have asked if it’s because I swear so much. The answer is no – there is not someone at Twitter HQ sitting there waiting for me to drop the F-Bomb right in yo’ jive ass faces so they can clamp me in irons and haul my Sweary Ass away. It is not because I mention sex or wanking either, in fact I reckon if there was such as person they would be getting off on such tweets and would be wanking themselves silly- which would make “Stopping The Rapture” a lot easier!

The reason I get sent to #Twitterjail so often is simply because I @reply everyone who tweets me, unless I miss their tweet. If you counted my many tweets you would see that I don’t actually tweet open tweets for everyone all that much – maybe 10 an hour – the bulk of my tweets are because I get into a conversation with someone, usually some smutty banter, ripping someone on the telly or just general chit chat, and I soon find myself racing up to the limit. You still might think that is excessive, but I have over 1600 followers and will reply to anyone who tweets me – even if only 114 of those followers tweet me & I reply to them all in an hour I would be jailed.

Some people suggest that #Twitterjail is fun – I am usually okay in there now. Think of me as Twitter Fletcher – I do my time, keep my nose clean, but still have fun while I am in there. However, for the newbie Twitterjail can be a scary place, which with the shower bummings, cavity search by Johnny Longfingers, Twitter food (Mainly eggs) and that Governor who will only let you out if you….erm how shall I put it?....perform a small service on him (*wipes mouth*). There are some perks though – I mean some say I look sexier with bars across my face, and there is always the blonde guard. There is the banter you get off people as well. If I had a pound for everyone who told me not to drop the soap I would currently have £364. I do like the way that people will offer to help. I like the way that people believe me when I say if the tweet #FreeTheGazabellOne I will get released quicker. I don’t like people saying they will sneak a file into me though – I hate doing admin so do your own paperwork. All in all though Twitterjail is not that fun, and I sometimes have to worry that even @gazabelljailed will get sent to #Twitterjail. I suppose there is always @gazabelljailedjailed if that happens.

So why don’t I give you some facts about #Twitterjail then?

• You will be Twitterjailed if you tweet approx. 114 Tweets in an hour or 1000 in a day
• You can be DM jailed too – I think its 250 per day and DM jail is a longer sentence (24hrs)
• Sentence is usually 1hr in length – it tends to be shorter during the day, and longer between 7pm-2am
• Stay away from Twitter Ives – he is ‘Orrible
• Take some posters of your sexiest followers – I tend to while away the wee hours using a poster of Dame @WinceyWillis1 wearing one of her 80s jumpers whilst pushing a helicopter over a map
• If you are not partial to a spot of bumming use soap on a rope. If you are then shout “Ooops” and bend over often
• Beware of Big Alice – she has a right hook on her!
• If you hear drunken singing don’t worry it is usually @TMCPhotographs – she controls the booze racket on the Women’s Wing
• If you are attempting to escape #Twitterjail then don’t fake a heart attack. ALL of the wardens remember Lizzie from Prisoner Cell Block H and won’t be fooled.
• Lesbians give fantastic hugs
• You can get conjugal visits if you ask the right person so fill your boots
• Don’t get hooked on Twitter Smack – it is lethal!

Those facts should be enough to help you through those early days in Twitterjail anyway, and if you are ever in there pop up and see me – I’m on the top floor near Twitter Grouty. Knock before you enter though – you never know what I am up to ;P

@Gazabell (and often @Gazabelljailed)

Nice To See You...

Picture the scene – It’s the Garden Of Eden, and a very angry Mr God has just banished Adam & Eve for being greedy apple eating bastards, the serpent is condemned to crawl on his belly, and the angel with the fiery sword guards the path so nobody can return - Oh yeah I’ve got a B in Religion GCSE, I know my Bible! (Would have been an A if I knew my Koran a bit better!) but there is one person who is never mentioned in the scriptures, one man who has roamed the Earth for millions of years – if you listen closely you will hear him tap dancing his way out of the Garden of Eden trying to perfect a new catchphrase “Didn’t she do…bad?”

Fast forward a few thousand years and Our Lord Jesus has been crucified and has been in his tomb for three days, when suddenly the witnesses hear the sound of “Life…is the name of the game, and I want to play the game with you…” Suddenly, Jesus has risen from the dead, and the sound of tap dancing fades into the distance. Didn’t he do well?

Fast forward another few thousand years and there is trouble brewing in England. Civil war threatens the stability of the country. A battle takes place at Edgehill and things look bad for the Royalists, when suddenly a loud noise is heard booming from the hill – everybody looks up and there silhouetted against the moon is the figure of a man…half crouching, fist to head, chin made of granite, slender legs tapered behind him, and he says the immortal words “Nice to see you…” and all assembled cannot help themselves “…to see you nice” – but it is not nice, as the man of legend, older than Joan Collins herself, jumps down the hill and tap dances over every single roundhead on the battle field. Didn’t he do well? However it is not enough to turn the tide of the war, and because of his royalist leanings the legendary man is forced into hiding for hundreds more years.

We reach 1916 and the First World War is raging. The Allies need a new weapon to help them in the war. Technology has progressed and the horseless carriage has come to the fore. However, they are just not strong enough to survive battle. But then he appears again out of nowhere at a secret military location, so secret that even he does not know where it is, and he shows them that horseless carriages can be made sturdier. He brings out his secret weapon – it is a horseless carriage with giant sized playing cards attached to it all over making a giant shell – ladies and gentlemen that Tank is invented. Didn’t he do well?

But he disappears again…
…not too long this time though. For as prophesised by Nostradamus himself in 1939 he appears to perk up morale during the war

“And lo when the silver birds of the sky shall deploy their wretched spheres of
Destruction about the green and pleasant land, they boy of atoms shall appear
and shalt question the people about how well she or he did”

And the prediction came true….that man is none other than Sir Bruce Forsyth. Owner of the finest hair ever produced by the British Cotton Company, the beadiest eyes seen on a non-eagle, and the ability to entertain any crowd he chooses. He has barely changed over the years. He will tap dance if anyone so much as looks at him, will sing like a Britain’s Got Talent Pensioner act, and will spout words of poetry not heard since the Bard himself was alive. Poems such as….

“I’m the leader of the pack,
Which is what makes me such a lucky jack,
They say all good things come in pairs,
Well look at these two croupiers,
Look at them they’re so appealing,
Come on Dollies, do your dealing”

Words to bring tear to a glass eye I am sure you will agree!

So let me tell you a few facts about Brucie….

Did you know….know did you?
That because of all his tap dancing, Brucie has a stronger kick than a shire horse.

Did you know….know did you?
Brucie’s hair is so flame retardant that he singlehandedly put out the fire at Windsor Castle by doing a headstand throughout the building.

Did you know….know did you?
The cards in Play Your Cards Right were originally normal sized, but Brucie refused to wear glasses so they just made the cards bigger over the years

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie trades in his wife for a taller model every 25 years because he refuses to wear glasses

Did you know….know did you?
As well as writing the theme tune to the Generation Game, Brucie also wrote the popular songs, Smack My Bitch Up, Mull of Kintyre, Agadoo, and Edge of Glory

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie’s chin is so strong that Geoff Capes once broke his wrist when he accidently waved his hand into Brucie’s face

Did you know….know did you?
That even at the age he is now Brucie has sex every 4 hours, and is still very good in the sack, but is insecure and asks to ask about himself “Didn’t he do well?”

Did you know….know did you?
That Brucie was already a Sir after being given the honour by Elizabeth I for undisclosed services, though rumour has it she was not such a Virgin afterwards


So love him or hate him – you have to admit that the man is a living legend, and if you don’t agree he will tap dance all over you and then your grave. Who knows what the future holds for Sir Bruce Forsyth. I have heard rumours that the Ministry Of Defence are currently making some humungous sized playing cards ready to deploy if Brucie demands it, and the world’s Tallest Woman has been seen hanging around the Strictly Come Dancing studio.

No matter what happens we will always know that it is “Nice to see you….to see you nice”

@Gazabell

There Is Nothing Like A Dame

Take yourself back to the Eighties – not literally, unless you are The Doctor or Dr Sam Beckett you may find this impossible – I mean in your mind (Yep – sorry youngsters this blog might be a bit before your time – don’t worry I will get around to doing a Power Rangers one at some point that you can enjoy :D). Have you done it? Cast yourself back. Look around you and what do you see? Perms & Mullets abound, Shoulder Pads are huge, there is a woman(ish) in charge of the country, and a rat is the biggest ratings winner on TV.

But who is interested in Roland Rat on telly when you look at the same programme he is on and she her….Blonde Mulleted, wearing some of the snazziest jumper combos seen in the eighties, and giggling like a loon. It can only be one person….Wincey Willis! So famous she goes to An Audience With… recordings, and has been name checked by Victoria Wood, and she bestrides our screen like a juggernaut of lovlieness.

Fast forward more years than you could imagine and now she bestrides a different arena – the online sexiverse that is Twitter, and that’s what I am going to blog about. You might think about her for different reasons – for being a journalist, author, editor, conservationist, radio presenter, or even for helping buffoons guide Aneka Rice around a town in a helicopter, but for me Wincey Willis is now always going to be about Twitter.

As you may have read in some of her previous blogs Dame Wincey joined Twitter purely because somebody was pretending to be her, but in my opinion, that person has done us all a massive favour. I, like some people, was a bit sceptical when I saw her tweeting, and thought it was another one of these sad acts who pretends to be someone they aren’t because they are too scared that people won’t find them funny in their real life persona. Then that awkward moment came when she tweeted me after one of my piss take comments no doubt. Being that I am a bloody lovely person (hell yeah you know it! Lol) I replied and thought nothing of it, then I got another tweet – telling me off for spelling Wincey wrong – then more tweets followed, a bit of banter and then oh no she followed me. I don’t normally follow “fake” celebs unless they are funny, but I was unsure whether @WinceyWillis1 was real or not, so I had a closer look at her profile and tweets. If she was fake then her tweets were pretty convincing so I gave her the benefit of doubt. I don’t know why I was so worried. We tweeted each other more over the next couple of days and it soon became apparent that she was the real deal. What’s more it soon became apparent that I found her engaging, funny, sweet and just the little bit smutty – just what I want in a follower!

I soon became the unofficial official Twitter guide for Dame Wincey – after bamboozling her with the terms we use on Twitter. A few times I would get a tweet saying “what is ROFL?” Knowing me I probably made up some bullishit like “Rolf Orgasms For Llamas”. On another occasion I had to explain what #Twitterjail was – after I think she thought I was really a prisoner somewhere.

This probably made me like Dame Wincey even more – how many celebrities do you know that would try to organise a Jail Break gang for you, complete with dynamite, tunnels, seduction and smuggling?

More banter has followed over the past year or so we have followed each other – from the formation of our double act WinceyBell (due to play the 02 arena in 2012), to Star Wars Tennis, to blog wars, to the near elimination of my use of the c-word on Twitter and now we have agreed to have a tweet up over the summer. How lucky is she getting to meet me!

Anyway, if you follow @WinceyWillis1 (oooo I’ve plugged you now Dame Wincey – was it good for you?) then you will see that she is the best celebrity on Twitter. She is down to earth, tweets funny things, replies when she can, promotes Merlot so much that I am sure she is getting freebies, and never ever tries to do a weather report. Saying that she tries to stop me from swearing sometimes (to some but not a lot of effect) and she has a tendency to blame cows for all the poo in her garden (there are no cows nearby – say no more!) so she has her bad points too!

So why is she Dame Wincey? Well for her services to Tweeting of course and because she is a great person to follow. I am allowed to bestow Damehoods, because I am the King Of Twitter according to her (I don’t like to correct her but I am actually the Emperor Of Twitter!) and I think it is a well deserved one.

So basically this blog is a bit of a salute to the living legend that is Dame Wincey Willis – I’m proud to call her a follower, tweep, Dame and friend. If you aren’t following you are missing out and if you are following her (she has long overtook me now!) then you already knew all of this I have written about and you have wasted 5 minutes of your life you fool!

Keep tweeting Dame Wincey

Lots of Love
@Gazabell

One Hundred & Forty Characters

Hello there Peeps

I have a special treat for you all today.

Remember a couple of months ago Dame @WinceyWillis1 very kindly wrote a piece for my own humble blog. Well she has very kindly done another one for me & just 1 day before my #Twitterversary which I consider to be a very nice gesture from one of my best Twitter Friends.

Now read on as the Dame takes us on another journey

@Gazabell


One Hundred & Forty Characters
Sounds like the cast list of an am dram panto where everyone has to have a part. The stage for this particular show is enormous; the audience don’t buy tickets they drop in and out as they please. They aren’t expected to be silent and what they get up to during the performance sometimes beggars belief.

Yes we are talking of the round the clock show that is Twitter. It is eleven months since I joined the cast and what an eye opener that has been. The fun is in the fact that we are both audience and player, observing and interacting as we choose. There are many things that I have learned during my apprenticeship, some of which I will share with you now.

It didn’t take too long to figure that for quite a lot, sexual gratification came high on their reasons for participation. Whether it was with someone else or on their own if you get my drift. When it was posted if the world was going to end in 8 minutes what would you do? The women mostly declared they would hug their children or ‘phone people who they loved to tell them so, a very high percentage of the men were single handily busy!!!

I love the random tweets that make me laugh. I remember one saying there were over 4million work related injuries, so play it safe and call in sick. More or less the next one asked if anyone had any thoughts on silicone bake ware. I pondered if that was a euphemism but I don’t think so. I did once have cause, and I can’t remember why, to tell @Gazabell to lay back, head on cushion and your hands where I can see them. To which he replied, “I’ll keep them down my pants for safe keeping”.

One of my favourite tweeps told me his partner always checks his tweets before he sends them, he worries if they will offend me. I thought that was utterly charming. However I have not lived a sheltered life so I would say 95% of the tweets make me either laugh, learn something, or be concerned for the tweeter.
When someone turned a bit nasty towards me the outpouring of sympathy and kindness was overwhelming. People wanted to send their thoughts directly to the person but I didn’t think they deserved the oxygen of publicity. I loved one particular tweet from @Assimilathis that said “Set your gays on him”. I am so very lucky to have 2300+ followers and what a diverse group you are.

Merlot still plays a significant part in my twitter life, even if I don’t drink it every waking hour most tweeps seem to think I do. I loved the posts from @Ianpearce which said “She is a bit like Mary Poppins but with a carpet bag full of empty wine bottles” and @apophthegmist who said “Twitter has infected my brain. Spotted a bottle of Merlot earlier and my first thought was Wincey Willis”.

August 17th will be my first Twitter Anniversary, buy shares in Merlot now. Not that I need an excuse, cheers my dears. :-))))

Wincey Willis