TOMS NEWS 28th September 2011
BGT AXED IN SHOCK MOVE!
High waisted, botox faced Simon Cowell, 64, has announced the cancellation of Britain’s Got Talent next year, due to the fact that one man on Merseyside is so multitalented no one else can compare. Nobody can be that good I hear you cry, well …………………….
Fresh faced, cheeky, charming, Gary Bell, 27, of Liverpool (pictured right) is so full of talent that it is a wonder to most people how he hasn’t spontaneously combusted in his young life.
His talents include: gold medal standard alcohol consumption (much like the handsome Tom Simpson or glamorous 1980s starlet Wincey Willis). The ability to turn an everyday general conversation into filth, a prime example of this would be his response to this innocent statement, “I’m rummaging through my drawers, I hope I succeed, as the last time the knob came away in my hand” his reply of “lucky ceed, he’d come off in my hand anytime” goes to show his outstanding ability to see the smut, in a good clean sentence. His grasp of the English language is amazing, he loves using alliteration, metaphors, similes and onomatopoeia. Evidence of this can be heard during his infrequent twadio shows broadcast to the nation, his Liverpool tones are strong but he has the talent to use them eloquently and concisely. Friends have commented on his sensational cake baking skills, so marvellous in fact that the said friend had to savour each mouthful and it took several hours to consume one slice, he equally has excellent meat eating skills (he‘ll never give up hot pork sausages). Mr Bell even has the know how to develop his own self proclaimed method to spank a bare arse, which amazingly causes the recipient no pain whatsoever, just satisfaction for both parties involved. His woodwork skills are second to none, as you probably expected, what he can’t do with a length of solid hard wood is no bodies business.
You will undoubtedly have heard of Elton John, Cee Lo Green and Rod Stewart, but once Mr Bells singing is unleashed on the public they will all pale into insignificance due to Gary’s incredible vocal rang
Another talent Mr Bell uses on a regular basis is his strong mind and body, he doesn’t need ‘wimp’ breakfasts, just mid morning cheese based snacks and water to power through his high powered job using the latest technology to seek out careers for clients. He has won awards due to his strong work ethic and his commitment to his punters. He has so many more talents, but this article unfortunately has a word limit and I have stroked his ego sufficiently, however Mr Bell is so modest about himself that he leads a relatively quiet life, he avoids publicity at all costs and would never shamelessly advertise or shout about the wonderful gifts he possesses.
So attention all singers, dancers, impressionists, broadcasters, organ fiddlers, cake bakers, heavy drinkers, expert spellers and blue comedians, you are now redundant in Great Britain but try one of the international version talent shows, they’re always on the look out. Britain only needs the one and only G Bell.
The newspaper has also learned that the oxford English dictionary is set to remove the word talent from all publications from this point on. The word talent will be replaced with gazabell, here are some examples:
“oh my, you are so gazabelled” (talented)
“That is a good gazabell to have” (talent)
“You are multi gazabelled” (multitalented)
Unfortunately for the vast majority of the british public Mr Bell does not make many public appearances.
He can be found though, at the highly exclusive ‘royal’ twartys (strictly invite only) occasionally at tweet ups (by appointment only) but every evening, give or take real life events, he can be found on twitter, come join the fun, just remember that he is so multigazabelled that it may make you feel unworthy of his company. I though, can guarantee you that he is a jolly nice man, who’s large amount of gazabell doesn’t make him bigheaded in the least.
© Tom Simpson productions MMXI LOL all rights reserved
