Enjoy The Big Balls

Hello Dear Tweepies

Seen as though I quite enjoyed doing my last blog post about Westlife, I thought I'd dig out another one of my old blogs from a few years ago, give it a dust up and present it to a new generation. This one is about etiquette, because as you can no doubt tell from my tweets I am the height of decorum and the best possible person to advise you on how to act in polite society.

As you are no doubt aware in any social calender, you will find that Christmas is the time for numerous Balls. You might be daunted by such occasions, but with my help and by following the 8 simple steps below you will find that you can mingle with High Society without embarrassment. Who knows, you may even be invited to Prince William & Kate Middleton's Wedding.

The 7 Virtues Of Correct Usage Of The English Language
(A.K.A What Not To Swear)


1. Greetings (aka the Sir Joseph Boswell Technique)
The correct way to greet your fellow party patrons is to use the much maligned "Hello". Do remember that as a member of the elite you should pronounce this thusly "Hail Ear" practice this out loud so that it become second nature. One should not under any circumstances say "Hi" "Wotcha" or "Fucking hell it's hot in here, the sweat is pissing out of me!"

2. Affirmation (aka The Lady Katherine Price "Just Cannot Say No" Technique)
One may find oneself in conversation with a fellow patron, and find oneself, for example, in a discussion about the problems with your servants, and how best to handle your staff. Quite often a patron will have a viable solution which you agree with. The correct way to agree with a question of course is to use the word "Yes" (pronounce "Ears"). One should not say "Too Fucking Right" or "Yeah, I know"

3. Negatory (aka the Doctor No Technique)
On occasion one might find oneself in the unfortunate position of having to disagree with ones fellow patron. For example, Lady Lorraine Kelly may say in polite conversation to Countess Fiona Phillips "One has found that one has reached one limits with cucumber now don't you think?" the Countess however has developed other uses for said legume and would like to reply in a negative manner. Of course the Countess should say "No" (Pronounce this as "Near") not "Bollocks" or "No Fucking Way"

4. Refreshments (aka The Sir George Best Technique)
Of course Social Balls are always filled with alcohol, which is perfectly acceptable. For preference Ladies should drink Champagne or good Cabernet Sauvignon (a '79 for preference) and Gentlemen should drink a good Cognac or Port. One should not say "Mine's a pint" or "Shall we have shooters" but should opt for more decorum and say "Ears Lady Beckham I would like to partake in a petite glarss of Chateau Distel"

5. Powdering One's Nose (aka The Lady Kathrine Moss Technique)
With the refreshments flowing at some point one would undoubtedly need to use the facilities of the establishment. This is a tricky situation, which will require your tact and social graces. You should politely excuse yourself with a polite euphemism, such as "Excusez-Moi, but I must have a word with Mr Armitage Shanks" or "I must freshen up". Under no circumstances say "I need to shake my lettuce" or "Frigging hell the turtles head is poking out"

6. The Excuse Me (aka The Sir John Travolta Technique)
During one of these Balls there will no doubt be a musical interlude which will require you to partake in some dancing. This is all well and good, but under no circumstances should a lady approach a gentleman. Ladies should stand to one side of the room, and coquettishly fan themselves or mingle in small groups. At this point the Gentleman should should approach a suitable lady and say "Excuse me my lady, but would you do me the very great honour of accompanying me for this dance?". Do not under any circumstances say "Grab your coat love, you've pulled" or "I fucking love this song, dance you miserable bastard".

7. The Art Of Mingling (aka The Mr The Merciless Technique)
One should use the occasion to make social connections to the right persons in attendance. By mingling with your fellow patrons you will soon receive invitations to a variety of Garden Parties, Candlelit Suppers and Bar Mitzvah's, and therefore increase your social standings. You should approach fellow patrons give a brief introduction and then discuss relevant topics such as "All of these Johnny Foreigners are taking our jobs" and "You just can't get the staff today". Do not say "Alright fat arse, how's it going" or "Huh huh huh, David Walliams took me up the wrong'un last night"


Wear For Art Thou
(aka "Suits You Sir!")

Of course one knows that one's appearance is the only way to guarantee one's future invitation to prestigious events. Luckily things are quite simple this season. Gentlemen should of course wear Top Hat, Tails & Full Three Piece Suit. Monocles are optional. Some Middle Class People have taken to smoking Cuban Cigars, but a REAL Gentleman should only attempt to smoke a Pipe. Ladies should wear full Ball Gown, Fur Stole, Head Gear and of course a fan. Parasols are acceptable if the weather is inclement. Ladies should not smoke if possible, but if they do it should be black cigarettes from a Cigarette Holder. One should not Roll Their Own or smoke Marijuana.

And there we have it. These simple lessons should allow you to enjoy your night and keep you safe in the knowledge that you have held yourself in complete decorum. Enjoy the Ball.

Don't Forget The Key Change In The Final Fifth

A bit of a Gaelic themed blog for you today, as I pick on the Oirish or rather four Oirish people to be exact, namely Westlife. The laziest band in Pop. Anyone could form a band like Westlife, and I suggest you give it a try because you could end up being the next Louis Walsh, though probably not as much as a C**t and you won't have to dye your hair Stoaty Weasely Grey/brown.
To make your own Westlife you need to follow 5 simple steps.....

STEP 1 - "I have a dream"
To form your new band you need to find 5 decent looking lads, only one of which needs to know how to sing, though if you can find 2 you are set. To make your own Westlife you will need the following types though - the good singer with the strangely shaped head; the secret gay who loves singing and gets all emotional when he is singing about love; one who will struggle with his weight thus providing newspapers with enough fodder that you can keep your gay closeted for years; one who would like to be cute but actually looks a bit like a transvestite; and finally the best looking one who is unfortunately mute. Your new band members must now project an image of good homeloving lads who want to buy their ma a new house.

STEP 2 - "Fool Again"
Save yourself a bit of money and protect the fat singers life by NOT employing a choreographer. Invest in 5 stools (don't worry if one of them leaves to make it as a solo singer you can sell the stool on ebay - just keep all the packaging!) and then dress your singers in suits and have them sitting down in all their concerts thus disguising their woeful dancing skills. This saves even more money because you don't have to rent one of those rooms with a big mirror in it for them to practice or hire Louis Spence.

STEP 3 - "Against All Odds"
The hard part comes now, or does it? You have to have some songs that the public will like and want to buy, but the public are a fickle lot in the most part, so how do you know what they will like? Easy, just rob songs that have already been a top 10 hit and use your formula for making the song have that Westlife sound. Namely, the brief pause followed by a key change in the final fifth where you get the lads (well the two who do the singing) to give it some welly. Don't worry no one will cotton on that you do the same thing in every song until you have made some serious money. To improve your chances of having a hit get a struggling singer from the 80's who wants to promote a Greatest Hits album to duet with you. I'm sure Lionel Richie or Lulu will be available. If all else fails bring out a swing album, it worked for Robbie Williams after all.

STEP 4 -"Flying Without Wings"
Are you finding that you feel that the band is getting a bit stale? How can you spice it up? That's easy too. Encourage the one with the biggest ego to show his real self to the public, he doesn't want to be making sugary pop songs, he wants to prove to the world that he is a real muscian. Let him write a few songs, don't worry you can use them as B-Sides or put them at the arse end of the next album. With any luck he will want to go solo for more credibility - oh no that's a disaster - no it isn't for you - only for him! All you need to do is get the remaining four lads to tell the press that they bravely will carry on with Mr Ego! Time to bring out that swing album to keep the momentum going I think. If things still seem stale after this all you need to do is out the gay one. The press will go wild, the gay community will want to support their fellow gay, it's win win!

STEP 5 - "You Raise Me Up"
It's 10 years since the band have finally split up after their RnB album failed. They've all tried to move on - the good singer with the funny shaped head had a one-hit wonder and is still big in Japan; the gay one came third in Dancing on Stilts; the mute took up DJing, but only gets weddings now; the fat one was given an MOT by Dr Gillian Keith, who just by looking at his poo came up with a diet & he now weighs in at an almost svelte 13st; and the transvestite look-a-like became a judge on I'm In The Mood For Dancing, the show on a quest to find someone to play Berni Nolan in the musical about the Oirish Pop sisters. With all of their careers on the skids now is the perfect time to reform the group and ride a wave of late 90's/early 2000's nostalgia. Get the group on tour and you can even re-release the Greatest Hits Album, and even include that version of 9 to 5 that you had been saving for the winner of X-Factor 14. You don't even have to worry about having groups for supporting artists - Aqua and Louis Bega are gagging for the gig. Pocket yourself another few million squid! Well done - hell you might even get to be reality TV judge yourself - in fact I hear that Ben Elton has written a musical about Another Level and they want you to be the nasty judge!

And there you have it - you very own guide to being a successful Pop Manager -I promise you it's easy - in fact I''ll even 'Swear it again' it's EASY!