There are some things we do in life because we enjoy and there are some things we do in life that we do because we are nice people. I did a nice thing today when I let my nephew watch Nickelodeon on the telly. As such I was subjected to the joys (never has sarcasm been used with such delight) of the kids TV of this generation. As such I found myself watching some American shite (no offence Americans I’m calling the show not the nation) of the ilk of iCarley or Drake & Josh (it’s embarrassing that I know the names of these programmes).
I found myself turning into one of those people who goes on about how Curly Wurly’s were bigger when they were young, about how the summers were longer and skies bluer, and how they spent their days with no consoles and computers and just spent their days playing Hide & Seek, football and British Bulldogs. I was thinking to myself that kid’s programmes were much better “when I were a lad”. However, when I thought about it a bit longer I realised that maybe I was getting all caught up in one of those generational things.
I know for a fact that I don’t get the shows my parents watched. Andy Pandy was so cheesy that I’m surprised there aren’t more lactose intolerant people around. And what about Fingerbobs? A show with puppets made out of paper and you could see the fingers of the puppeteers. And The Magic Roundabout? – I think I would need to be on LSD to have a clue what was going on there!
So then I wondered how I would explain the shows I loved as a kid to a future generation and it occurred to me that they would think I was mental for enjoying such shows. I’ll show you why (this might be more fun if you are in the 25-35ish bracket). See if you can guess the following 10 programmes which I loved as a child, as they may be explained nowadays :-
1) Technologically advanced Anthropomorphic felines, each with artefacts that imbue a special ability upon them, battle a Mummy, and his gang of henchmen, which include anthropomorphic versions of a Toad, Monkey & Jackal. Did I mention you could defeat the powerful enemy by showing him his own reflection?
2) Ring-tailed mammals take part in various environmentally friendly adventures in a forest while thwarting the capitalist overtures of a phallic-nosed Aardvark-like creature
3) A middle-aged man lives with a bear with learning difficulties, a homosexual hippopotamus, and the mutated offspring of an egg and a pair of corduroy trousers, whilst being regularly interrupted by three swinging singers with a penchant for stripy tops and white trousers.
4) A latex crocodile, ably assisted by a latex rat and latex mouse runs a successful magazine show from the sewers
5) A Lion and his faithful companion, a Lynx, circumnavigate the globe with a deadline.
6) A middle-aged man, who never the less insists on wearing Bermuda shorts and a novelty spectacles, attacks young children with a foam hammer for their failure to fully grasp the diversity of the English Language, whilst pulling tongues at them and desecrating their faces with plasters scrawled with mild smut.
7) A small basset hound dog rides a horse around 17th Century France battling ne’er-do-wells with the aid of 3 other dogs, all the time hoping to get off with another dog who works for the Queen.
8) A Prince with a split personality battles a man who seems to have suffered complete necrosis of the face and his henchmen, some of whom consist of a man with three eyes, a man whose special talent is fisting people (this is actually true), a woman so evil that she uses it as her first name, and a man who seems to be the result of botched genetic experiment between a man and a fish. Don’t worry though the dual personality dude has help. From a tiger suffering from severe nervous tension, a man who has had his legs replaced with springs, a red dishcloth and what appears to be Tom Selleck.
9) Robotic Televisions, with a day job working a reporters, help a Professor with a speech impediment battle various evil elements.
10) A mullet headed man, in an obvious sexual relationship with twin sisters, takes great joy in making children sticky, then forcing them to compete against each other driving Go Karts around a track, and then subjecting them to a house that attacks them. (This is not SAW)
See what I mean? The TV of my generation sounds like a very strange thing, so maybe now when I am in my 90’s sitting in my own piss in a nursing home and I hear the 75 year olds telling their grandchildren about how American Teenagers, who looked older than their age, and could afford to live in luxury apartments/loft houses, despite the fact they seemingly had no parents, whilst they only worked in a diner or cinema, I will just sit there with a wry smile and ponder on my own television glory years.
I must go now anyway. I’ve booked a room in Dizzy Heights hotel, because tomorrow I am meeting Alfonso Bonzo for Eggs ‘N’ Baker and then we are going to watch Jossy’s Giants play a match, before meeting Terry Nutkins, who is going to tell us about his sexploits with Michaela Strachan. Apparently they were Really Wild!
@Gazabell
Monday, 25 April 2011
Sunday, 24 April 2011
The Answers...
First of all thanks to those of you who read my blog http://gazabell1.blogspot.com/2011/04/think-of-fun-we-had-at-palace-hill.html
These are the answers to the programmes I talked about on there.
If you don't like spoilers read that blog before looking below:-
These are the answers to the programmes I talked about on there.
If you don't like spoilers read that blog before looking below:-
V
Here we go:-
1) Technologically advanced Anthropomorphic felines, each with artefacts that imbue a special ability upon them, battle a Mummy, and his gang of henchmen, which include anthropomorphic versions of a Toad, Monkey & Jackal. Did I mention you could defeat the powerful enemy by showing him his own reflection?
Was Thundercats - they are on the loose and on the move! I don't know why Mum-Rha was so self-concious about his reflection. A bit of Moisturiser and I'm sure his skin would have cleared up
2) Ring-tailed mammals take part in various environmentally friendly adventures in a forest while thwarting the capitalist overtures of a phallic-nosed Aardvark-like creature
Was The Raccons - with Cyril Sneer who needs some viagra up his nose. Saying that Burt looked like he could do with some too. And do you remember poor old Cecil - he looked like Curly Watts from Corrie!
3) A middle-aged man lives with a bear with learning difficulties, a homosexual hippopotamus, and the mutated offspring of an egg and a pair of corduroy trousers, whilst being regularly interrupted by three swinging singers with a penchant for stripy tops and white trousers.
Was Rainbow of course. No wonder Jeffrey never got married with that menagerie in his house. What the fuck was Zippy supposed to be anyway? And Rod, Jayne & Freddy - definitely members of the Middlesborough Swingers Association!
4) A latex crocodile, ably assisted by a latex rat and latex mouse runs a successful magazine show from the sewers
A harder one to get maybe? It's Round The Bend. If I remember rightly the rat was a Vincent Van Gough rip off, and it had joke cartoons like Wee-Man & The Masters of the U-Bend and the like. Look how fake looking the Puppet, the erstwhile Doc Croc, is!
5) A Lion and his faithful companion, a Lynx, circumnavigate the globe with a deadline.
Another one which stumped some people - It is Around The World In 80 Days with Willy Fog. Personally I think a Lion might have been shot on arrival in most countries, and at the very least would have eaten all of those companions!
6) A middle-aged man, who never the less insists on wearing Bermuda shorts and a novelty spectacles, attacks young children with a foam hammer for their failure to fully grasp the diversity of the English Language, whilst pulling tongues at them and desecrating their faces with plasters scrawled with mild smut.
Was of course Wac-A-Day (Not Timmy Mallet - who is the person not the show as some suggested to me). I'm not accusing Mallet of anything but the way I wrote up the show makes him sound like a nonce! Plus he was always gettin his cock(atoo) out!
7) A small basset hound dog rides a horse around 17th Century France battling ne’er-do-wells with the aid of 3 other dogs, all the time hoping to get off with another dog who works for the Queen.
Was Dogtanian & The Three Muskerhounds - based of course The Three Mustateers. The main thing I remember about this show was that Dogtanian had a really whiny voice and almost every episode suffered some form of nasal injury that made his nose turn red!
8) A Prince with a split personality battles a man who seems to have suffered complete necrosis of the face and his henchmen, some of whom consist of a man with three eyes, a man whose special talent is fisting people (this is actually true), a woman so evil that she uses it as her first name, and a man who seems to be the result of botched genetic experiment between a man and a fish. Don’t worry though the dual personality dude has help. From a tiger suffering from severe nervous tension, a man who has had his legs replaced with springs, a red dishcloth and what appears to be Tom Selleck.
The easiest one I reckon - it was He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Which of course would lead to the excellent cheesefest live version film starring Dolph Lundgeran - which should have spawned a sequel! There really was a character in this cartoon called Fistor - who had metal hands! Dirty perverted bastard!
9) Robotic Televisions, with a day job working a reporters, help a Professor with a speech impediment battle various evil elements.
Probably the most obscure one - it was Telebugs. I loved this show at the time. There was an evil telebug too with a....dum dum duuuuuuummmmm - red face! The characters were voiced by Ron Moody - you know Fagin from Oliver! The Telebugs did not crash half as often as Twitter!
10) A mullet headed man, in an obvious sexual relationship with twin sisters, takes great joy in making children sticky, then forcing them to compete against each other driving Go Karts around a track, and then subjecting them to a house that attacks them. (This is not SAW)
Was Fun House - its lots of fun, prizes to be won, its a real whacky show were anything can go! It also had the two worst co-presenters evers in Melanie & The Other Twin who could barely speak and made Dev from Corrie look like Brando! I secretly wanted to go on this show, but only to drive the Go Karts! Pat Sharp had hair like Worzel Gummidge for the early series - Worzel Gummidge with his twat head on usually!
There you go - if yougot them all well done - Nobody gave me concrete proof that they got them though! I may do another one of these some time :-)
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Cheggers Plays Block!
Twitter is a marvellous place to be. It is usually fun, often hilarious, sometimes sad and occassionally a hornfest! I've made mention of this before. When I first started on Twitter I followed celebrities because that's what Twitter was for. However, I soon discovered that Twitter is much better without the need to follow celebrities. It is the real people on Twitter that make it for me. So much so that I started to unfollow most of the celebrities that I did follow. I currently follow 1100ish people on Twitter and maybe 50 of them are "celebrities" of some sort - mainly comdedians or at the very least funny celebrities. The rest of everyday people each just as amazing as the celebs that we as a society idolise.
I'll admit that I get a buzz if I get a reply of a celeb and even better if I get a follow. Which brings me to the point of this blogette. I have found it really funny this morning that I have been blocked by Keith "Cheggers" Chegwin at some point over the past few months. I'm not bothered in the least really. That is the whole point of Twitter you have complete power to block or unfollow people. In a strange way I am quite proud of the fact that he went out of his way to actually block me. I can honestly say that I never sent him any abuse, and never slated him indirectly. The irony of this is that I never actually followed him until he followed me after I retweeted one of his jokes.
Anyway I've done this blogette because I have come up with 5 reasons why he did the deedand this is what I came up with
1) One of us is a cheeky Scouse chap who tells cheesy jokes...the other is Keith Chegwin
2) One of us has a penis that has been seen by millions....the other is Keith Chegwin
3) One of us has taken Maggie Philburn up the wrong'un...the other is Keith Chegwin
4) One of us has a drink problem....the other is Keith Chegwin
5) One of us has stroked Noel Edmonds beard...the othet is Keith Chegwin
In all honesty I probably said something that offended him, or slagged off a mate of his, or maybe my fucking foul mouth was too much for him. I will take this as an honour that whatever I did it warranted a BLOCK and not just an Unfollow! Now that is some acheivement! I'm going to see if I can find any other 80s celebs to annoy now....Gary Wilmott I'm coming to get you!
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Chirpy Chirpy Tweep Peeps
So my last blog was about why I like Twitter and why I joined it so I thought I would follow it up with the types of tweeps you can find on there. I'm not pigeon-holing people by doing this - to be honest most Tweeps will fit into a lot of the categories - I know I do! But these are just some general types I have come across on here.
The Slebo's (Celebrities)
The reason why most people join Twitter is to speak to their favourite celebrity. I think there would be very few people on twitter who don't follow at least one celebrity. I told you in my last blog that following celebrities is why I joined Twitter, and it became a game for me & my friends to try to get a Celeb to tweet us back or even follow us. And it is great when they do. When Davina responded to a tweet of mine it felt good - not that I went around telling people that Davina & I were very good friends in regular contact or anything. I'm not that sad!
The thing is Slebo's are not likely to respond to their tweets for the most part. I can understand why too. I only have 900 & odd followers & I get in put in #twitterjail at least 4 times a week, mainly for responding to people's @replies. Now imagine if someone like Stephen Fry tried to reply to everyone. He would always be in jail. Although it would be nice to get a reply it more than likely isn't going to happen. So those people who think that "Justine Beaver" - never speak the true name for just like Candyman if you mention him they will come (The Beliebers & Spammers) - will tweet you back and fall in love with you then you are wrong. I would just take the whole celeb thing as if you get a reply enjoy it, but don't expect to be drinking champagne at the next Brit Awards because of your online friendship with Kylie Minogue.
Saying that there are a fair few Slebo's that will reply to their followers. The likes of Dame @WinceyWillis1 is a perfect example of a good slebo to follow. She replies to her followers, is down to Earth and up for a laugh, and takes all th TV-AM & Treasure Hunt talk in her stride. Same with @JakeCanuso (Matteo from Bendidorm) and @DerrenLitten (Benidorm writer) - they like twitter and interact with their followers. Even some of the bigger twit celebs like @Schofe and @RealMattLucas - who have thousands of followers will go out of their way to respond to people and follow them.
That doesn't mean that you still don't want certain celebrities to follow. Personally I would probably jizz everywhere if @CaitlinMoran or @EmmaK67 followed me - because I like their sense of humour and think I could have a good laugh with them. If it ever happens keep an eye out for my When Harry Met Sally style tweet. The person who tweets back with "I'll have what he is having" gets extra bonus points.
The #FML Brigade
This is a harder category to write about because it will probably sound like I am slagging these people off but I am not really. In a way they entertain me. For those of you who don't know #fml means "Fuck My Life" - I assume it is for when something bad has happened to you but not catastrophic. There are people on Twitter though who use it for literally anything remotely shitty happening.
Typical tweets from a member of the #fml brigade will read "The hair dye hasn't worked #fml" or "I didn't have enough money to buy a Twix #fml" or "Mrs Doyle has got her tits out in Shameless again #fml" - it makes me laugh because how does any of that fuck someone's life? I suppose it is the new way of being a drama queen but what would I know. I'm not a member of the #fml brigade at all#fml!
Hornbags & Gladrags
A very big category on my timeline at least. I get followed by loads of flirty followers ranging from the "You are cute" peeps to the "How big is your cock" ones. To be honest this is one of my favourite groups of people - how good is it when someone starts flirting with you. I like the banter you get with these people and the laughs you can have by flirting back. All right sometimes people can get a bit full on with the flirting but for the most part it is harmless fun and I say long may it continue.
Banter Buddies
This is probably my favourite catergory and the main reason I return to twitter again & again. I love it when you build up a twiendship with someone to the point where you feel comfortable with having a bit of banter with them. When it becomes acceptable to accuse of follower of having a little cock, or ask them to get their tits out for the lads, or make jokes about their age then you know that you have got something good. I reckon about 10% of my followers come into this category. They are the ones that you miss if they aren't online while you are or who miss you if you are not there. All of you will have Banter Buddies on Twitter so make sure you keep them because it would be a lot more boring if they weren't around.
Silence is Golden?
If you are like me you will also have a lot of followers who follow you but don't really tweet with you. I have had a few like this who never tweet me but list me in their #ff - this is good in the fact that they obviously like you enough to keep following but bad in that they are too shy to talk. Sometimes though, like during the Numbers Game that happened a few months ago, you will get an unexpected tweet and think "who is this tweeting me" which is worse in many ways because how do you respond them.
My advice to the silent types is don't be afraid to tweet with people more if you like them.
Telly Hashtaggers
Another cateogory I come into and another thing that makes Twitter for me. I love it when a lot of tweeters are watching the same programme and take the piss out of. I am a renowned telly hashtagger and any reality style TV show is fair game for me. I only really started this during the last Big Brother but it is one of my favourite Twitter pastimes now. Some of the hashtags I see have me literally LOLing and even ROFLing and on one occassion I was very close to even PMSL. Some of the masters of this genre are @Lkue @Maxative @Elphabob @WillHoe and of course @Dazgale - I recommend following them even if its just for their hashtags!
Anyhoos this is a shorter blog than last time and not as good in my opinion, but I suppose it at least takes a light-hearted look at Twitter and it helped me pass an hour of my time so it achieved something.
I could do with a new topic for my next blog so if you have any suggestions feel free to let me know. I will try to make it funnier than this one too. Also if you want to write a guest blog then feel free to do so and I will post it on here.
Adios
@Gazabell
The Slebo's (Celebrities)
The reason why most people join Twitter is to speak to their favourite celebrity. I think there would be very few people on twitter who don't follow at least one celebrity. I told you in my last blog that following celebrities is why I joined Twitter, and it became a game for me & my friends to try to get a Celeb to tweet us back or even follow us. And it is great when they do. When Davina responded to a tweet of mine it felt good - not that I went around telling people that Davina & I were very good friends in regular contact or anything. I'm not that sad!
The thing is Slebo's are not likely to respond to their tweets for the most part. I can understand why too. I only have 900 & odd followers & I get in put in #twitterjail at least 4 times a week, mainly for responding to people's @replies. Now imagine if someone like Stephen Fry tried to reply to everyone. He would always be in jail. Although it would be nice to get a reply it more than likely isn't going to happen. So those people who think that "Justine Beaver" - never speak the true name for just like Candyman if you mention him they will come (The Beliebers & Spammers) - will tweet you back and fall in love with you then you are wrong. I would just take the whole celeb thing as if you get a reply enjoy it, but don't expect to be drinking champagne at the next Brit Awards because of your online friendship with Kylie Minogue.
Saying that there are a fair few Slebo's that will reply to their followers. The likes of Dame @WinceyWillis1 is a perfect example of a good slebo to follow. She replies to her followers, is down to Earth and up for a laugh, and takes all th TV-AM & Treasure Hunt talk in her stride. Same with @JakeCanuso (Matteo from Bendidorm) and @DerrenLitten (Benidorm writer) - they like twitter and interact with their followers. Even some of the bigger twit celebs like @Schofe and @RealMattLucas - who have thousands of followers will go out of their way to respond to people and follow them.
That doesn't mean that you still don't want certain celebrities to follow. Personally I would probably jizz everywhere if @CaitlinMoran or @EmmaK67 followed me - because I like their sense of humour and think I could have a good laugh with them. If it ever happens keep an eye out for my When Harry Met Sally style tweet. The person who tweets back with "I'll have what he is having" gets extra bonus points.
The #FML Brigade
This is a harder category to write about because it will probably sound like I am slagging these people off but I am not really. In a way they entertain me. For those of you who don't know #fml means "Fuck My Life" - I assume it is for when something bad has happened to you but not catastrophic. There are people on Twitter though who use it for literally anything remotely shitty happening.
Typical tweets from a member of the #fml brigade will read "The hair dye hasn't worked #fml" or "I didn't have enough money to buy a Twix #fml" or "Mrs Doyle has got her tits out in Shameless again #fml" - it makes me laugh because how does any of that fuck someone's life? I suppose it is the new way of being a drama queen but what would I know. I'm not a member of the #fml brigade at all#fml!
Hornbags & Gladrags
A very big category on my timeline at least. I get followed by loads of flirty followers ranging from the "You are cute" peeps to the "How big is your cock" ones. To be honest this is one of my favourite groups of people - how good is it when someone starts flirting with you. I like the banter you get with these people and the laughs you can have by flirting back. All right sometimes people can get a bit full on with the flirting but for the most part it is harmless fun and I say long may it continue.
Banter Buddies
This is probably my favourite catergory and the main reason I return to twitter again & again. I love it when you build up a twiendship with someone to the point where you feel comfortable with having a bit of banter with them. When it becomes acceptable to accuse of follower of having a little cock, or ask them to get their tits out for the lads, or make jokes about their age then you know that you have got something good. I reckon about 10% of my followers come into this category. They are the ones that you miss if they aren't online while you are or who miss you if you are not there. All of you will have Banter Buddies on Twitter so make sure you keep them because it would be a lot more boring if they weren't around.
Silence is Golden?
If you are like me you will also have a lot of followers who follow you but don't really tweet with you. I have had a few like this who never tweet me but list me in their #ff - this is good in the fact that they obviously like you enough to keep following but bad in that they are too shy to talk. Sometimes though, like during the Numbers Game that happened a few months ago, you will get an unexpected tweet and think "who is this tweeting me" which is worse in many ways because how do you respond them.
My advice to the silent types is don't be afraid to tweet with people more if you like them.
Telly Hashtaggers
Another cateogory I come into and another thing that makes Twitter for me. I love it when a lot of tweeters are watching the same programme and take the piss out of. I am a renowned telly hashtagger and any reality style TV show is fair game for me. I only really started this during the last Big Brother but it is one of my favourite Twitter pastimes now. Some of the hashtags I see have me literally LOLing and even ROFLing and on one occassion I was very close to even PMSL. Some of the masters of this genre are @Lkue @Maxative @Elphabob @WillHoe and of course @Dazgale - I recommend following them even if its just for their hashtags!
Anyhoos this is a shorter blog than last time and not as good in my opinion, but I suppose it at least takes a light-hearted look at Twitter and it helped me pass an hour of my time so it achieved something.
I could do with a new topic for my next blog so if you have any suggestions feel free to let me know. I will try to make it funnier than this one too. Also if you want to write a guest blog then feel free to do so and I will post it on here.
Adios
@Gazabell
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Taking It Up The Twitter
Some things are inevitiable in life; a bird will shit on your car within 24hrs of you washing it, Bridget Jones Diary will be on ITV2 at least 3 times a week, Joe Swash will make any TV appearance he can, and more certain than anything I will pop onto Twitter at least once a day. Why do I go on Twitter? It is simple - it is a great laugh.
Twitter is like a magnet that brings so many different people together that it is never boring. Where else can you flirt, argue, pontificate, tell rubbish jokes, and insult people? Well the pub to be honest but Twitter is better because you can stay away from arseholes easier, not have to put up with bad breath, and if you are handy enough with your phone you don't have to miss any of the action while having a poo.
To be honest I only joined Twitter initially because my brother convinced me that it was fun to tweet celebs. I was up for a laugh and so I did join and started following the usual suspects like Stephen Fry, Wossy, Davina etc. I even convinced some of my mates to join purely to play a game of Celebrity Top Trumps - where the person in the lead would be someone who could get a celeb to reply to them, and the Holy Grail of which would be a follow back from a celebrity. Do you know what it got boring quite quickly (well apart from when Keith Chegwin followed me!) and it wasn't long before we all dipped out of Twitter again. To me Twitter became a disgarded mistress, who joined the other social networking strumpets MySpace and Friends Reunited drinking gin in a bar and telling each other about what a using bastard I was and that my cock wasn't as big as I thought it was.
However, little did I realise that Twitter was the Elizabeth Taylor to my Richard Burton and I gave her another go. It was looking very much the same as last time until one man changed that - and that man was Duncan Banatyne. He introduced #duncansdream which was where he wanted his followers to follow eachother. I thought "what the hell" give it a go so I bought into it. Within 2 days I had gone from 20 followers to 150, and it hit me that was what was missing from my Twitter feed. Real People. As I started talking to the real people it suddenly became more fun - my tweets started to mean something - the fact that I had had Cocopops for breakfast or that I thought Shabby from Big Brother dresses like a street urchin from Oliver! meant more because people responded. That is what kept me interested in Twitter and has still kept me interested in it to this day.
It is the interactions that make it for me. The more followers I got the more I enjoyed it. I get to talk to people who I would never meet in real life, but that is a good thing. I enjoy my real life - it is a great life, but it handy to know that if I am bored at work, or waiting for something that I have (currently) over 900 people in my pocket that I can play with. That is Twitter people by the way - I don't kidnap Borrowers and make them perform for my own sick pleasure!
For those of you new to Twitter you might wonder how I got so many followers - the answer was:-
1) Being Myself
I like to think of myself as a nice, genuine person. Who I am on Twittter is exactly who I am in real life (only my face isn't as scrunched up into a little square) - I am a piss taking bastard. I do talk to everyone who talks to me. I do swear a lot, and I do on occasion get drunk. These traits are all the same on Twitter I think - if you tweet me I will reply. If I have the chance to take the micky out of you in a fun non-nasty way I will (just ask @MuppetFitz or @iBoozy), if I get the chance to drop the F-Bomb then I fucking will and I will on occasion drunk tweet ("God bled autocrrct")
2) Hashtagging
I have come along way since the days of #aaronthediscardedwigand #punnilingus - don't get me wrong these worked for me - people kinda loved the cheesy puns I think, but it was when I joined in on the big hashtag games that my follower count rose - #fivewordsaftersex #foodmovies anythingthing of that ilk I recommend you join in on. People will appreciate your humour and follow you
3) Flirting
Never ever underestimate the power of the flirt. I literally flirt with EVERYONE on my twitter timeline given half the chance. I don't know if this makes me look like slut but I don't care. I know I am not a slut and the fact that I flirt on twitter does not mean that I would act upon it in real life. I see it as a good thing - one it makes people feel good, two it can be a good laugh and three I like it!
That probably makes me sound like I am follower hungry but do you know what that is not the case either. I want quality not quantity - I only let tweeps who chat follow me - I block all the spambots and motivational coaches and people who just post links or phrases. I went on a website recently that told me I block as many followers as I have - If I was follower hungry I would have over 2000 followers - I'm not arsed about that at all. The ones I've got now are all real people (well apart from the fake ones!) and even though I don't chat with all of them the ones I do chat with are brilliant.
That is why I like to take it up the Twitter. I speak to people who I would never get to meet in real life. I don't think I have ever been on Twitter and not laughed at least once! That is why I keep coming back and why I wrote this blog. I will be doing a follow up to this blog at some point to about the tweeps you can tweet with on there, but for now I'll let you get on with something more interesting.
Much love @Gazabell
Twitter is like a magnet that brings so many different people together that it is never boring. Where else can you flirt, argue, pontificate, tell rubbish jokes, and insult people? Well the pub to be honest but Twitter is better because you can stay away from arseholes easier, not have to put up with bad breath, and if you are handy enough with your phone you don't have to miss any of the action while having a poo.
To be honest I only joined Twitter initially because my brother convinced me that it was fun to tweet celebs. I was up for a laugh and so I did join and started following the usual suspects like Stephen Fry, Wossy, Davina etc. I even convinced some of my mates to join purely to play a game of Celebrity Top Trumps - where the person in the lead would be someone who could get a celeb to reply to them, and the Holy Grail of which would be a follow back from a celebrity. Do you know what it got boring quite quickly (well apart from when Keith Chegwin followed me!) and it wasn't long before we all dipped out of Twitter again. To me Twitter became a disgarded mistress, who joined the other social networking strumpets MySpace and Friends Reunited drinking gin in a bar and telling each other about what a using bastard I was and that my cock wasn't as big as I thought it was.
However, little did I realise that Twitter was the Elizabeth Taylor to my Richard Burton and I gave her another go. It was looking very much the same as last time until one man changed that - and that man was Duncan Banatyne. He introduced #duncansdream which was where he wanted his followers to follow eachother. I thought "what the hell" give it a go so I bought into it. Within 2 days I had gone from 20 followers to 150, and it hit me that was what was missing from my Twitter feed. Real People. As I started talking to the real people it suddenly became more fun - my tweets started to mean something - the fact that I had had Cocopops for breakfast or that I thought Shabby from Big Brother dresses like a street urchin from Oliver! meant more because people responded. That is what kept me interested in Twitter and has still kept me interested in it to this day.
It is the interactions that make it for me. The more followers I got the more I enjoyed it. I get to talk to people who I would never meet in real life, but that is a good thing. I enjoy my real life - it is a great life, but it handy to know that if I am bored at work, or waiting for something that I have (currently) over 900 people in my pocket that I can play with. That is Twitter people by the way - I don't kidnap Borrowers and make them perform for my own sick pleasure!
For those of you new to Twitter you might wonder how I got so many followers - the answer was:-
1) Being Myself
I like to think of myself as a nice, genuine person. Who I am on Twittter is exactly who I am in real life (only my face isn't as scrunched up into a little square) - I am a piss taking bastard. I do talk to everyone who talks to me. I do swear a lot, and I do on occasion get drunk. These traits are all the same on Twitter I think - if you tweet me I will reply. If I have the chance to take the micky out of you in a fun non-nasty way I will (just ask @MuppetFitz or @iBoozy), if I get the chance to drop the F-Bomb then I fucking will and I will on occasion drunk tweet ("God bled autocrrct")
2) Hashtagging
I have come along way since the days of #aaronthediscardedwigand #punnilingus - don't get me wrong these worked for me - people kinda loved the cheesy puns I think, but it was when I joined in on the big hashtag games that my follower count rose - #fivewordsaftersex #foodmovies anythingthing of that ilk I recommend you join in on. People will appreciate your humour and follow you
3) Flirting
Never ever underestimate the power of the flirt. I literally flirt with EVERYONE on my twitter timeline given half the chance. I don't know if this makes me look like slut but I don't care. I know I am not a slut and the fact that I flirt on twitter does not mean that I would act upon it in real life. I see it as a good thing - one it makes people feel good, two it can be a good laugh and three I like it!
That probably makes me sound like I am follower hungry but do you know what that is not the case either. I want quality not quantity - I only let tweeps who chat follow me - I block all the spambots and motivational coaches and people who just post links or phrases. I went on a website recently that told me I block as many followers as I have - If I was follower hungry I would have over 2000 followers - I'm not arsed about that at all. The ones I've got now are all real people (well apart from the fake ones!) and even though I don't chat with all of them the ones I do chat with are brilliant.
That is why I like to take it up the Twitter. I speak to people who I would never get to meet in real life. I don't think I have ever been on Twitter and not laughed at least once! That is why I keep coming back and why I wrote this blog. I will be doing a follow up to this blog at some point to about the tweeps you can tweet with on there, but for now I'll let you get on with something more interesting.
Much love @Gazabell
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Potato! A Peek In Louis Walsh's Closet
It's a bit late really, and I had planned on doing it during X-Factor, but I was being very sociable at the time (i.e. Getting pissed a lot) and never got around to it. So for my pleasure if nobody else's here is a blog on Louis Walsh
Fans of reality TV will probably best know the Leprechaun of Pop as a judge on music reality TV shows, cutting his teeth on Popstars in Ireland, and Popstars:The Rivals before becoming Simon Cowell's prank monkey on X-Factor. Louis is in fact also a manager of Pop Bands, who clients have included Boyzone, Westlife, Girls Aloud and ...grrrrr... Jedward! It is not for his managerial career that I am now going to character assassinate him (though the Jedward thing is an atrocity that should not go unpunished) instead I am going to tear him a new arsehole (which he would like) for his performance on X-Factor!
The last series just highlighted to me what an utter tool the man is. He has got the easiest job going honestly - he must have put some work into licking Mr Cowell's arse because I think anyone could replace Louis on the judging pannel - though to be fair it would take a special kind of fool to be the Louis of the group. I think I could teach any of you to be Louis though - so much so that you can just follow this guide below if you think you can be Louis!....
1. Wit & Humour
You would probably think that to be a judge on X-Factor you need these - not if you are being Louis. Cowell is obviously a witty, funny man and doesn't want that upstaged. Therefore he has beautiful women on the panel who are likeable by most people, but aren't as funny as him. Therefore to be Louis you need to have NO wit or humour. It is okay though because you can still try - Cowell will just talk over you, sweep you away with a swipe at your unconfirmed (LOL!) homosexuality and nobody will laugh with you anyway, just at you. A typical example...
Simon: "I don't know what Louis was thinking giving you 'Making Your Mind Up' to sing"
Louis: "I just picked your favourite song Simon" (cue no laughs)
Simon: "Shut up Louis - it will be YMCA next week with you" (cue laughs)
2. You Handsome Devil
Much like the sense of humour and wit this is not required at all. Flat-top, moob-laden, chisel face Cowell does not want the women looking at someone better looking than him. Cue potato-faced short-arse tub guts Louis to make Cowell look better. The thing is, much like Louis himself, you might resent this and try to make yourself look younger. If you wish to do this you will need to wear jeans with a striped shirt - walking with one hand in a pocket - and spike your grey hair into a ridiculously youthful hairstyle for a nearly 60-year old homosexualite. Better yet you can start dying your hair into a weird array of browny-grey colours ( Try L'Oreal colours Tawny Beaver or Stricken Stoat) to make you look like the ultimate Cunty-Haired Buffoon.
3. Nice Butt
To undertake your new role as the Louis of X-factor there is something else you should expect. You will become the butt of the jokes of the whole team. I'm not even talking about the verbal jibes that will be made against you by your fellow judges. I'm talking about the little things the production team will do to you. For one you will always get the shittest category
Dermot voiceover: "This year the production team decided to shake things up with the categories. They are now. 'Girls under 60', 'Boys Under 60', 'Groups' and 'Mentalists & People with Tourettes"
Louis: "I hope I get da boys"
Production Team: "Louis, you've got.....[pause for dramatic effect]...
Louis: "I truly tink I got da best category"
That's not where it ends though. You will also be screwed over at Judges Houses stage. The production team will arrange for Simon to take his category to "his" house in LA, Danni will take her category to "her" villa in tenerife, , Cheryl will take her category to "her" Luxuary Apartment in Monte Carlo...where do you get? You get to take them to "your" bungalow in your own home town! Yet you will take all of this because you are fame hungry and love being seen on TV, even though the British public is really quite indifferent to you.
4. Britain's Got Talent
Ok you have put up with some shit to get this job, but you don't mind because it's all about the fame for you. Now you think you need to do all the hard work - don't sweat on it. Just put through everyone from your own country and anyone who you fancy. It is that easy - it's not about the talent really, just the story of the contestants.
5. It's Just a Phrase You Are Going Through
You might think that you need to be prepared to give feedback to the contestants on the show that is original and witty, but to be honest Louis has been able to get through 7 series by using and reusing the same phrases again and again. You might struggle here so what I have done is gave you Louis' phrase and translated it for you just in case you want to use them.
"You're tru"
- You have progressed to the next stage
"I want all of Ireland/Scotland/Wales/Liverpool/Manchester to vote for you"
"I want all of Ireland/Scotland/Wales/Liverpool/Manchester to vote for you"
- you have got no chance of winning
"It was fun & entertaining"
"It was fun & entertaining"
- It was shite but I have been lumbered with the worst category again
"You remind me of a young [Insert name of singer of same ethnic background]"
"You remind me of a young [Insert name of singer of same ethnic background]
- I'm going to compare you to someone based on your skin colour rather than sound of your voice
"But Simon, da young people will love dem"
"But Simon, da young people will love dem"
- these are annoying twats but I want to bum them.
"I hope you go all da way"
"I hope you go all da way"
- I want to bum you
"I've championed ye from the start"
- I want to bum you
"Da girls love ye"
- I want to bum you
"I see you with a big future in the record industry"
- I want to bum you
"I want ye to make da final and want people to vote for ye"
- I want to bum you
"But Simon he is only 16 years old"
- I want to bum him
"Der's something missing for me"
- You are female
"You are tru to Week x/Quater-Final/Semi-Final/Final"
- I've used up all of my phrases tonight
And that is it. That is how you too could be Louis Walsh - its an easy job, but helps if you are a cunty-haired buffon. Are you the right person to be the new Louis?
Sunday, 9 January 2011
25 Facts About Me
1. I enjoy singing songs in my car in regional accents - Cockney "Killer Queen" is my best, though I do a mean Yorkshire "Oh What A Night"
2. I am an Associated Board Of Music qualified Cellist - though haven't touched a Cello for about 15yrs!
3. The smell of Beetroot makes me retch
4. I have climbed Snowden
5. I once played Prince Charming in a school play
6. I have sang on Radio 4 - yep the boring churchy one
7. The most famous person I ever met is Warrior from Gladiators (well until I met Al Murray that is!)
8. I have a phobia of wasps - and have been known to dive off Bouncy Castles at a speed of 75mph when a wasp flew near me
9. I once dressed as a Meff for Comic Relief and sang a cover version of the Beatles song Help! with 3 mates
5. I am numerically dyslexic
11. I have only ever owned Fiesta's
12. I am one of the few children of my generation to have actually owned the elusive Mr Frosty - that every child wanted, but few ever got.
13. My first home was a pub
14. I won the Lower School Quiz in 1993, and with my book token bought a Spanish Dictionary
15. The first time I flew on a plane was an 8hr flight to Orlando - where I was stranded for New Year!
16. Dawn French once nearly picked my postcard out of a prize dip on Going Live!
17. I tend to find people who say "I'm mad me" to be tit heads
18. I was once attacked with a traffic cone
19. My dream holiday would be to Australia - though a close 2nd would be New York
20. My Grandad was a Professional Boxer in the 1920s/30s, but had to retire because he was deaf and knocked out his opponent after the bell went.
21. It took me 3 times to pass my Driving Test
22. I once made a Viking Costume out of a pair of furry curtains
23. I can tell the difference between Pepsi & Coke - Pepsi is better
24. I used to think Natalie Imbruglia was the sexiest woman in the world, espcially during her Neightbours days
25. I'm a firm believer in the "laughter is the best medicine" school of thought - unless you have Diabetes, in which case Insulin is the best medicine.
2. I am an Associated Board Of Music qualified Cellist - though haven't touched a Cello for about 15yrs!
3. The smell of Beetroot makes me retch
4. I have climbed Snowden
5. I once played Prince Charming in a school play
6. I have sang on Radio 4 - yep the boring churchy one
7. The most famous person I ever met is Warrior from Gladiators (well until I met Al Murray that is!)
8. I have a phobia of wasps - and have been known to dive off Bouncy Castles at a speed of 75mph when a wasp flew near me
9. I once dressed as a Meff for Comic Relief and sang a cover version of the Beatles song Help! with 3 mates
5. I am numerically dyslexic
11. I have only ever owned Fiesta's
12. I am one of the few children of my generation to have actually owned the elusive Mr Frosty - that every child wanted, but few ever got.
13. My first home was a pub
14. I won the Lower School Quiz in 1993, and with my book token bought a Spanish Dictionary
15. The first time I flew on a plane was an 8hr flight to Orlando - where I was stranded for New Year!
16. Dawn French once nearly picked my postcard out of a prize dip on Going Live!
17. I tend to find people who say "I'm mad me" to be tit heads
18. I was once attacked with a traffic cone
19. My dream holiday would be to Australia - though a close 2nd would be New York
20. My Grandad was a Professional Boxer in the 1920s/30s, but had to retire because he was deaf and knocked out his opponent after the bell went.
21. It took me 3 times to pass my Driving Test
22. I once made a Viking Costume out of a pair of furry curtains
23. I can tell the difference between Pepsi & Coke - Pepsi is better
24. I used to think Natalie Imbruglia was the sexiest woman in the world, espcially during her Neightbours days
25. I'm a firm believer in the "laughter is the best medicine" school of thought - unless you have Diabetes, in which case Insulin is the best medicine.
Wednesday, 5 January 2011
How's About That Zen
Another old post. Not my work but still worth a little look through:-
1. Save The Whales. Collect the Whole Set.
2. A Day Without Sunshine is Like, Night.
3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers..
4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.
5. 82.7% Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.
6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.
7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.
10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.
11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.
12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.
15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.
16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.
17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.
18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!
19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.
20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!
21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.
22. How Many Of You Believe In Psychokinesis? Raise My Hand.
23 . OK,.... So What's The Speed Of Dark?
24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?
25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.
26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.
27. Hard Work May Pay Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.
28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.
29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?
30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?
31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.
32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.
34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.
35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?
36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened.
37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off
1. Save The Whales. Collect the Whole Set.
2. A Day Without Sunshine is Like, Night.
3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers..
4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.
5. 82.7% Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.
6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.
7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.
10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.
11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.
12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.
15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.
16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.
17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.
18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!
19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.
20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!
21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.
22. How Many Of You Believe In Psychokinesis? Raise My Hand.
23 . OK,.... So What's The Speed Of Dark?
24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?
25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.
26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.
27. Hard Work May Pay Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.
28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.
29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?
30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?
31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.
32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.
34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.
35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?
36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened.
37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off
Rude Rhymes
I was doing a bit of a clean up job of my PC and came across some old blogs. I thought this was worth a bit of a repost. It's old school nursery rhymes with a rude twist:-
______________________
Mary had a little skirt
'Twas split right up the sides
And every where that Mary walked
The boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
'Twas split way up the front
And every where that Mary went
The boys could see her…
…but she didn't wear that one very often!
___________________
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Her skirt all battered and torn
It wasn't the spider who sat down beside her
It was Little Boy Blue with his horn!
_______________________
Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman to Simple Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead!"
______________________
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Said, "F**k him, he's only an egg!"
_________________________
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon!
______________________
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, because he's gay!
__________________________
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have some hanky panky
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Frankie!
'Twas split right up the sides
And every where that Mary walked
The boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
'Twas split way up the front
And every where that Mary went
The boys could see her…
…but she didn't wear that one very often!
___________________
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Her skirt all battered and torn
It wasn't the spider who sat down beside her
It was Little Boy Blue with his horn!
_______________________
Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman to Simple Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead!"
______________________
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Said, "F**k him, he's only an egg!"
_________________________
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon!
______________________
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, because he's gay!
__________________________
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have some hanky panky
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Frankie!
Monday, 22 November 2010
Enjoy The Big Balls
Hello Dear Tweepies
Seen as though I quite enjoyed doing my last blog post about Westlife, I thought I'd dig out another one of my old blogs from a few years ago, give it a dust up and present it to a new generation. This one is about etiquette, because as you can no doubt tell from my tweets I am the height of decorum and the best possible person to advise you on how to act in polite society.
As you are no doubt aware in any social calender, you will find that Christmas is the time for numerous Balls. You might be daunted by such occasions, but with my help and by following the 8 simple steps below you will find that you can mingle with High Society without embarrassment. Who knows, you may even be invited to Prince William & Kate Middleton's Wedding.
The 7 Virtues Of Correct Usage Of The English Language
(A.K.A What Not To Swear)
1. Greetings (aka the Sir Joseph Boswell Technique)
The correct way to greet your fellow party patrons is to use the much maligned "Hello". Do remember that as a member of the elite you should pronounce this thusly "Hail Ear" practice this out loud so that it become second nature. One should not under any circumstances say "Hi" "Wotcha" or "Fucking hell it's hot in here, the sweat is pissing out of me!"
2. Affirmation (aka The Lady Katherine Price "Just Cannot Say No" Technique)
One may find oneself in conversation with a fellow patron, and find oneself, for example, in a discussion about the problems with your servants, and how best to handle your staff. Quite often a patron will have a viable solution which you agree with. The correct way to agree with a question of course is to use the word "Yes" (pronounce "Ears"). One should not say "Too Fucking Right" or "Yeah, I know"
3. Negatory (aka the Doctor No Technique)
On occasion one might find oneself in the unfortunate position of having to disagree with ones fellow patron. For example, Lady Lorraine Kelly may say in polite conversation to Countess Fiona Phillips "One has found that one has reached one limits with cucumber now don't you think?" the Countess however has developed other uses for said legume and would like to reply in a negative manner. Of course the Countess should say "No" (Pronounce this as "Near") not "Bollocks" or "No Fucking Way"
4. Refreshments (aka The Sir George Best Technique)
Of course Social Balls are always filled with alcohol, which is perfectly acceptable. For preference Ladies should drink Champagne or good Cabernet Sauvignon (a '79 for preference) and Gentlemen should drink a good Cognac or Port. One should not say "Mine's a pint" or "Shall we have shooters" but should opt for more decorum and say "Ears Lady Beckham I would like to partake in a petite glarss of Chateau Distel"
5. Powdering One's Nose (aka The Lady Kathrine Moss Technique)
With the refreshments flowing at some point one would undoubtedly need to use the facilities of the establishment. This is a tricky situation, which will require your tact and social graces. You should politely excuse yourself with a polite euphemism, such as "Excusez-Moi, but I must have a word with Mr Armitage Shanks" or "I must freshen up". Under no circumstances say "I need to shake my lettuce" or "Frigging hell the turtles head is poking out"
6. The Excuse Me (aka The Sir John Travolta Technique)
During one of these Balls there will no doubt be a musical interlude which will require you to partake in some dancing. This is all well and good, but under no circumstances should a lady approach a gentleman. Ladies should stand to one side of the room, and coquettishly fan themselves or mingle in small groups. At this point the Gentleman should should approach a suitable lady and say "Excuse me my lady, but would you do me the very great honour of accompanying me for this dance?". Do not under any circumstances say "Grab your coat love, you've pulled" or "I fucking love this song, dance you miserable bastard".
7. The Art Of Mingling (aka The Mr The Merciless Technique)
One should use the occasion to make social connections to the right persons in attendance. By mingling with your fellow patrons you will soon receive invitations to a variety of Garden Parties, Candlelit Suppers and Bar Mitzvah's, and therefore increase your social standings. You should approach fellow patrons give a brief introduction and then discuss relevant topics such as "All of these Johnny Foreigners are taking our jobs" and "You just can't get the staff today". Do not say "Alright fat arse, how's it going" or "Huh huh huh, David Walliams took me up the wrong'un last night"
Wear For Art Thou
(aka "Suits You Sir!")
(A.K.A What Not To Swear)
1. Greetings (aka the Sir Joseph Boswell Technique)
The correct way to greet your fellow party patrons is to use the much maligned "Hello". Do remember that as a member of the elite you should pronounce this thusly "Hail Ear" practice this out loud so that it become second nature. One should not under any circumstances say "Hi" "Wotcha" or "Fucking hell it's hot in here, the sweat is pissing out of me!"
2. Affirmation (aka The Lady Katherine Price "Just Cannot Say No" Technique)
One may find oneself in conversation with a fellow patron, and find oneself, for example, in a discussion about the problems with your servants, and how best to handle your staff. Quite often a patron will have a viable solution which you agree with. The correct way to agree with a question of course is to use the word "Yes" (pronounce "Ears"). One should not say "Too Fucking Right" or "Yeah, I know"
3. Negatory (aka the Doctor No Technique)
On occasion one might find oneself in the unfortunate position of having to disagree with ones fellow patron. For example, Lady Lorraine Kelly may say in polite conversation to Countess Fiona Phillips "One has found that one has reached one limits with cucumber now don't you think?" the Countess however has developed other uses for said legume and would like to reply in a negative manner. Of course the Countess should say "No" (Pronounce this as "Near") not "Bollocks" or "No Fucking Way"
4. Refreshments (aka The Sir George Best Technique)
Of course Social Balls are always filled with alcohol, which is perfectly acceptable. For preference Ladies should drink Champagne or good Cabernet Sauvignon (a '79 for preference) and Gentlemen should drink a good Cognac or Port. One should not say "Mine's a pint" or "Shall we have shooters" but should opt for more decorum and say "Ears Lady Beckham I would like to partake in a petite glarss of Chateau Distel"
5. Powdering One's Nose (aka The Lady Kathrine Moss Technique)
With the refreshments flowing at some point one would undoubtedly need to use the facilities of the establishment. This is a tricky situation, which will require your tact and social graces. You should politely excuse yourself with a polite euphemism, such as "Excusez-Moi, but I must have a word with Mr Armitage Shanks" or "I must freshen up". Under no circumstances say "I need to shake my lettuce" or "Frigging hell the turtles head is poking out"
6. The Excuse Me (aka The Sir John Travolta Technique)
During one of these Balls there will no doubt be a musical interlude which will require you to partake in some dancing. This is all well and good, but under no circumstances should a lady approach a gentleman. Ladies should stand to one side of the room, and coquettishly fan themselves or mingle in small groups. At this point the Gentleman should should approach a suitable lady and say "Excuse me my lady, but would you do me the very great honour of accompanying me for this dance?". Do not under any circumstances say "Grab your coat love, you've pulled" or "I fucking love this song, dance you miserable bastard".
7. The Art Of Mingling (aka The Mr The Merciless Technique)
One should use the occasion to make social connections to the right persons in attendance. By mingling with your fellow patrons you will soon receive invitations to a variety of Garden Parties, Candlelit Suppers and Bar Mitzvah's, and therefore increase your social standings. You should approach fellow patrons give a brief introduction and then discuss relevant topics such as "All of these Johnny Foreigners are taking our jobs" and "You just can't get the staff today". Do not say "Alright fat arse, how's it going" or "Huh huh huh, David Walliams took me up the wrong'un last night"
Wear For Art Thou
(aka "Suits You Sir!")
Of course one knows that one's appearance is the only way to guarantee one's future invitation to prestigious events. Luckily things are quite simple this season. Gentlemen should of course wear Top Hat, Tails & Full Three Piece Suit. Monocles are optional. Some Middle Class People have taken to smoking Cuban Cigars, but a REAL Gentleman should only attempt to smoke a Pipe. Ladies should wear full Ball Gown, Fur Stole, Head Gear and of course a fan. Parasols are acceptable if the weather is inclement. Ladies should not smoke if possible, but if they do it should be black cigarettes from a Cigarette Holder. One should not Roll Their Own or smoke Marijuana.
And there we have it. These simple lessons should allow you to enjoy your night and keep you safe in the knowledge that you have held yourself in complete decorum. Enjoy the Ball.
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