Seen as though I quite enjoyed doing my last blog post about Westlife, I thought I'd dig out another one of my old blogs from a few years ago, give it a dust up and present it to a new generation. This one is about etiquette, because as you can no doubt tell from my tweets I am the height of decorum and the best possible person to advise you on how to act in polite society.
As you are no doubt aware in any social calender, you will find that Christmas is the time for numerous Balls. You might be daunted by such occasions, but with my help and by following the 8 simple steps below you will find that you can mingle with High Society without embarrassment. Who knows, you may even be invited to Prince William & Kate Middleton's Wedding.
(A.K.A What Not To Swear)
1. Greetings (aka the Sir Joseph Boswell Technique)
The correct way to greet your fellow party patrons is to use the much maligned "Hello". Do remember that as a member of the elite you should pronounce this thusly "Hail Ear" practice this out loud so that it become second nature. One should not under any circumstances say "Hi" "Wotcha" or "Fucking hell it's hot in here, the sweat is pissing out of me!"
2. Affirmation (aka The Lady Katherine Price "Just Cannot Say No" Technique)
One may find oneself in conversation with a fellow patron, and find oneself, for example, in a discussion about the problems with your servants, and how best to handle your staff. Quite often a patron will have a viable solution which you agree with. The correct way to agree with a question of course is to use the word "Yes" (pronounce "Ears"). One should not say "Too Fucking Right" or "Yeah, I know"
3. Negatory (aka the Doctor No Technique)
On occasion one might find oneself in the unfortunate position of having to disagree with ones fellow patron. For example, Lady Lorraine Kelly may say in polite conversation to Countess Fiona Phillips "One has found that one has reached one limits with cucumber now don't you think?" the Countess however has developed other uses for said legume and would like to reply in a negative manner. Of course the Countess should say "No" (Pronounce this as "Near") not "Bollocks" or "No Fucking Way"
4. Refreshments (aka The Sir George Best Technique)
Of course Social Balls are always filled with alcohol, which is perfectly acceptable. For preference Ladies should drink Champagne or good Cabernet Sauvignon (a '79 for preference) and Gentlemen should drink a good Cognac or Port. One should not say "Mine's a pint" or "Shall we have shooters" but should opt for more decorum and say "Ears Lady Beckham I would like to partake in a petite glarss of Chateau Distel"
5. Powdering One's Nose (aka The Lady Kathrine Moss Technique)
With the refreshments flowing at some point one would undoubtedly need to use the facilities of the establishment. This is a tricky situation, which will require your tact and social graces. You should politely excuse yourself with a polite euphemism, such as "Excusez-Moi, but I must have a word with Mr Armitage Shanks" or "I must freshen up". Under no circumstances say "I need to shake my lettuce" or "Frigging hell the turtles head is poking out"
6. The Excuse Me (aka The Sir John Travolta Technique)
During one of these Balls there will no doubt be a musical interlude which will require you to partake in some dancing. This is all well and good, but under no circumstances should a lady approach a gentleman. Ladies should stand to one side of the room, and coquettishly fan themselves or mingle in small groups. At this point the Gentleman should should approach a suitable lady and say "Excuse me my lady, but would you do me the very great honour of accompanying me for this dance?". Do not under any circumstances say "Grab your coat love, you've pulled" or "I fucking love this song, dance you miserable bastard".
7. The Art Of Mingling (aka The Mr The Merciless Technique)
One should use the occasion to make social connections to the right persons in attendance. By mingling with your fellow patrons you will soon receive invitations to a variety of Garden Parties, Candlelit Suppers and Bar Mitzvah's, and therefore increase your social standings. You should approach fellow patrons give a brief introduction and then discuss relevant topics such as "All of these Johnny Foreigners are taking our jobs" and "You just can't get the staff today". Do not say "Alright fat arse, how's it going" or "Huh huh huh, David Walliams took me up the wrong'un last night"
Wear For Art Thou
(aka "Suits You Sir!")