Couldn't fit all of this week's puns on one page, so here is part 2. Hope you enjoy them :-)
• No-one seems ever seems to have any idea about want to do with these dogs, so once again I have to take the lead.
• Got a great new hobby cataloguing tree debris. You would love it. Why don't you take a leaf out of my book?
• "What would you do if a bird shat on your car?" "Dump her!" [A Chubby Brown one I think]
• Look at that man with with a head like an angry cloud. Oooo he's got a face like thunder!
• Just read that they are going to try revive coma patients with cappuccino. Come off it! Wake up & smell the coffee!
• iPhone has invented something for when you are really tired. There's a nap for that.
• I'm not talking to that women with a windscreen for a face. That'll wiper eye.
• Got my nocturnal shift laying ceramics coming up later. Looks like another night on the tiles for me.
• Steve Davis is looking for an amateur to play snooker against. I've applied & I think I'm in the frame!
• I keep getting a hard-on every time I sneeze. Don't worry I'm taking something for it. Pepper. [This is somebody else’s, but I can’t remember who]
• The noise out of that Tennis supplies factory! They're not half making a racquet!
• Did you know that you can now buy body parts of dead Hollywood celebrities? I've got Bette Davis eyes.
• I don't like this Art exhibition about facial hair. It's all a bit eyebrow for me.
• That woman off GMTV has been sticking her finger in my eye all morning. She's left now and I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone.
• I'm aching all over after plowing that field for the wheat crop. Still it's true what they say. No pain - no grain.
• All those doubters. They said I'd never get that picture to stay up, but I nailed it!
• This wonky door looks like it could fall over any minute. It all hinges on what happens next.
• BUY THE NEW 18-SOCKET EXTENSION LEAD ONLY £19.99 BUY OUR NEW 15-TROUGH SINKS ONLY £89.99 Sorry about all of the plugs
• If they think they can break into this time piece shop while I'm on guard they've got another thing coming. Not on my watch.
• I'd love to be in a really gritty vampire film or play. You know something you can really get your teeth into.
• I shouldn't have brought up those missing shoes. I feel like I've put my foot in it now.
• I've never been a fan of denim & my dad & grandad are both the same. Must be something in the jeans.
• What about these people who put bin liners over there heads for thrills? I'm sorry but that's just not my bag.
• I'm having sone A-Team crisps now. Either Salt & Vinegar or Cheese & Onion. One thing is for certain I ain't getting on no Plain
• Was going to make one of those A-Team soups, but they look a bit watery. I feel a bit sorry for them. In fact you could say I pity the gruel
• I've just made one of those A-Team quiches from scratch. I love it when a flan comes together.
• I urgently need to find a picture of Peter Pan's enemy & a burglar. By Hook or by crook I'll get them.
Part 1 is HERE in case you missed it
Thursday 22 July 2010
Punnilingus 1
Wotcha Peeps
I thought I'd put up all those cheesy pun/jokes I have been putting on my twitter all week on this blog. About 90% of them I have made up myself (or least hope I have) but there are probably the odd one or two that I have heard in the past and posted, but can't remember who's joke it was. I always give credit to anybody elses joke I use on my Twitter feed.
Here are the first batch anyway:-
• I've won loads of awards for my udder technique, but I don't like to milk it.
• If ever I was held hostage on holiday I'd hide in my luggage. You know. Just in case.
• My donkey looks like it needs some vetinary treatment down one side. That's a right pain in the ass.
• The doctors have told me that they need to "extract some mictration" from me. I don't like it. It sounds like they are taking the piss.
• Someone just threw a razor out of a window and it barely missed me. That was was a close shave.
• I FUCKING HATE PAWNS, ROOKS & KINGS! Sorry about that. It was just something I had to get off my Chess.
• I tried to get all the conkers out of that big oak, but only managed to get a couple. Still two out of tree ain't bad.
• I wanted to finish my story about giving presents, but I didn't know how to wrap it up.
• Just been offered a job assembling furniture, but screw that!
• They told me that there is nothing so addictive as hanging off a wall. They were right. I'm hooked on it.
• The doctor told me that the best way to hide the marks on my neck is by wearing some kind of neckerchief. I feel like I'm scarfed for life
• If those Ninja mops think they can have me in a fight they are so wrong! I'll wipe the floor with them.
• This pilot is flying too close to the water. That much is 'plane to sea
• Those numbers they put on boxes of bulbs. Watts that all about?
• I've just spilt my perrier over a mallard. It didn't mind too much. It was like water off a ducks back.
• Today I've invented the plain pizza. Top that!
• I don't like the way our local shop constantly tries to force you to buy herbs & fish. I mean there's a Thyme and a Plaice for everything.
• I let you in on a little secret. I've invented something that will keep food fresh in jars. Shhh though, I want to keep lid on it for now.
• My mate has wrote a song about Camembert, that she thinks will be a big hit. I'm not so sure. It sounds a bit cheesy to me.
• I think my brother is hiding a poker addiction so I confronted him about it. I told him it's cards on the table time.
• I used to be in a double act called The Bras, but I left because I felt like a right tit.
• My ongoing rant about my broken zip must have pissed off my mates, because the keep telling me to button it!
• Is it just me or would the best name for a shop that sells space suits & crucifixes be " 'Nauts & Crosses "
• I was going to make some spreadable explosives before, but on second thoughts I butter not.
• Someone knocked at the door before claiming to be selling Transparency Lotion. Wasn't conning me. I told him I could see right through him!
• People have said that my obsession with door nobs is out of control but I think I've got a handle on it.
• I had terrible trouble getting my trilby off before, but my mate came through for me and helped remove it. I've gotta take my hat off to him
• I find that if I make Indian food for my friends they will do things for me. That's one way to curry favour I suppose.
• And there's no way I'd ever work in a helium factory again. I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice! [This was some American comedian’s joke who was on Mock The Week, but I love it. Think his name was Hal somethingorother]
• I'd be a butcher, but I think it doesn't pay well and it would be hard to makes ends meat
• My ideal job would be teaching prostitutes to sing acapella but ho hum [I think this is one that I may have heard before, but told better]
Part 2 to follow
I thought I'd put up all those cheesy pun/jokes I have been putting on my twitter all week on this blog. About 90% of them I have made up myself (or least hope I have) but there are probably the odd one or two that I have heard in the past and posted, but can't remember who's joke it was. I always give credit to anybody elses joke I use on my Twitter feed.
Here are the first batch anyway:-
• I've won loads of awards for my udder technique, but I don't like to milk it.
• If ever I was held hostage on holiday I'd hide in my luggage. You know. Just in case.
• My donkey looks like it needs some vetinary treatment down one side. That's a right pain in the ass.
• The doctors have told me that they need to "extract some mictration" from me. I don't like it. It sounds like they are taking the piss.
• Someone just threw a razor out of a window and it barely missed me. That was was a close shave.
• I FUCKING HATE PAWNS, ROOKS & KINGS! Sorry about that. It was just something I had to get off my Chess.
• I tried to get all the conkers out of that big oak, but only managed to get a couple. Still two out of tree ain't bad.
• I wanted to finish my story about giving presents, but I didn't know how to wrap it up.
• Just been offered a job assembling furniture, but screw that!
• They told me that there is nothing so addictive as hanging off a wall. They were right. I'm hooked on it.
• The doctor told me that the best way to hide the marks on my neck is by wearing some kind of neckerchief. I feel like I'm scarfed for life
• If those Ninja mops think they can have me in a fight they are so wrong! I'll wipe the floor with them.
• This pilot is flying too close to the water. That much is 'plane to sea
• Those numbers they put on boxes of bulbs. Watts that all about?
• I've just spilt my perrier over a mallard. It didn't mind too much. It was like water off a ducks back.
• Today I've invented the plain pizza. Top that!
• I don't like the way our local shop constantly tries to force you to buy herbs & fish. I mean there's a Thyme and a Plaice for everything.
• I let you in on a little secret. I've invented something that will keep food fresh in jars. Shhh though, I want to keep lid on it for now.
• My mate has wrote a song about Camembert, that she thinks will be a big hit. I'm not so sure. It sounds a bit cheesy to me.
• I think my brother is hiding a poker addiction so I confronted him about it. I told him it's cards on the table time.
• I used to be in a double act called The Bras, but I left because I felt like a right tit.
• My ongoing rant about my broken zip must have pissed off my mates, because the keep telling me to button it!
• Is it just me or would the best name for a shop that sells space suits & crucifixes be " 'Nauts & Crosses "
• I was going to make some spreadable explosives before, but on second thoughts I butter not.
• Someone knocked at the door before claiming to be selling Transparency Lotion. Wasn't conning me. I told him I could see right through him!
• People have said that my obsession with door nobs is out of control but I think I've got a handle on it.
• I had terrible trouble getting my trilby off before, but my mate came through for me and helped remove it. I've gotta take my hat off to him
• I find that if I make Indian food for my friends they will do things for me. That's one way to curry favour I suppose.
• And there's no way I'd ever work in a helium factory again. I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice! [This was some American comedian’s joke who was on Mock The Week, but I love it. Think his name was Hal somethingorother]
• I'd be a butcher, but I think it doesn't pay well and it would be hard to makes ends meat
• My ideal job would be teaching prostitutes to sing acapella but ho hum [I think this is one that I may have heard before, but told better]
Part 2 to follow
Hello
Wotcha Peeps
This will be my place to blogwhen the mood takes me. It probably won't happen much to be honest, but at least if I want to vent I can always come here and do it.
That is all for now
TTFN
This will be my place to blogwhen the mood takes me. It probably won't happen much to be honest, but at least if I want to vent I can always come here and do it.
That is all for now
TTFN
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