Hello there Peeps! *lifts glasses* it is I…Gazabell…here to impart some news to you. You know me I am never happier than when I am taking the piss out of things, and as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs I find that Reality TV is perfect for sating my piss-taking needs. As luck would have it we are in prime Reality TV piss-taking season. Hot off the heels of Hungary’s Got Talent, and The Voice, we have now entered the real of Big Brother where the real wannabe’s live and breathe in order to gain their 5 minutes of fame, before they fade into obscurity again (How’s life treating you Narinder, Ziggy and Eugene?).
Now I know that not everyone gets into Big Brother, so once again I have taken it upon myself to introduce you to this years cast of “wacky, zany” characters, and what a treat we have to you. Channel 5 has certainly pulled out the stops this year. Not only have they given Brian Dowling a sex change into a beautiful woman, and elocution lessons so we don’t have to hear about the tribe of Annie’s in his life (Annie Thing, Annie Way, Annie Tips etc), but they have also trawled their nets deep into the Sea of Wannabe (just nearly the Island of YDFuckisthiscockonmyscreen) and dredged out some almighty c*nts for us to slag off over the coming three months (if we last that long!). This has obviously blown the budget because the house looks like Willy Wonka’s Mental Breakdown this year!
Anyway without further ado let us meet your targets this year…
The man who must have had a heavy paper round, Callum claims to be 28 years old. We have yet to ascertain if this is in Dog Years but it could possibly be. If not then he is probably using the patented Geri Halliwell Date Calculator, available in all good pound shops now.
Named after her drug of choice, Charlie is a bad girl gone good. I don’t know whether this means she spent time in Larkhall cadging snout of the Two Julies or getting called a dirty slaaaaaag by Shell Dockley, but it probably doesn’t. She has brought her mum in with her in case any of the big kids nick her dinner money.
There are conflicting stories about the name of this Professional Boxer. The first is that he was named after Athletics Legend Daley Thompson, who he wants to emulate by starring in a Daz advert with Barry from EastEnders. The second theory is that his parents just weren’t that good at spelling but were big fans of the Daily Mail.
Ex-copper Daniel likes nothing better than getting his truncheon out and fingering suspects for all of their crimes. He also enjoys it when people say to him “Evening Orifice, what have we here”. He is the only Gay man in the house (unless you count the other 5).
Asian Alan Partridge look-alike has already claimed the title of biggest Tw*t in the house by boasting about his wealth and power. He claims to have made his money by being a male prostitute but I think that is a big far fetched. Who’d pay him for sex?? He also said he doesn’t need the money or the fame so why bother going in there. This smug little fucker already thinks he is a bit of a celebrity, and claims to be a celebrity publicist. Shame he is the type of celebrity publicist that makes you yearn for Max Clifford!
Named after the erstwhile singer of the lyrical masterpiece “Oooo Ahhhh, Just a Little Bit”, Gina hobbies include being a big titted spoilt bitch, and having no concept about how deplorable it is to waste so much money on yourself. She is probably expecting the other contestants to wipe her arse for her for the duration of her stay.
Irish Model Hazel is erm……well……erm…. Well ok I don’t know what she is because I was just looking at her boobies when she came in. That’s why I have put this pic up of her too because lets face it that’s all anyone saw right?
Jack & Joe
Jack & Joe went up the hill to fetch a pail of water….. who am I kidding they got out of breath a quarter of the way up and decided to go to KFC instead. One of these brothers is straight & one is gay apparently. Personally I wouldn’t be surprised if they fiddled with each other.
If someone left Charlie on a low light for 5hrs this is what you would get. Jackie is either the mother of Charlie or is Charlie herself travelled back in time to meet herself. A bit like a crap version of Doctor Who.
Horsefaced pensioner Jemima claims to be a gold-digger. I can see why because she certainly has the features of an 1890’s prospector. She also claims to be a look-a-like of Sarah Jessica Parker but we all are. Look at your foot and imagine it with a blonde wig and some lipstick on it. There you have is SJP. Jemima looks to be a randy cougar and will be trying to get some hot c*ck action in there.
Fresh out of the Dev Alahan School of Acting, Michael is the People’s Puppet, which is apt because the other housemates may string him up when they find out. I doubt it though because his tasks so far have been boring and transparent, and the big reveal will be about as exciting as an evening with Roy Cropper.
Demure ladylike Sallie is not one of these cheap looking women who have their saggy arse and saggy tits hanging out while swearing like a trooper and drinking Lambrini like its going out of fashion…..oh wait that’s exactly what she is, with the added disadvantage of dressing like a reject from All Saints (the 90s girl band not the shop).
Harry Styles look-alike…..wait that can’t be right? Is it supposed to be Harry Enfield look-alike? Well whatever it is. Owner of the shittest chat up line in the world (“You make my winkie expand”) Sam could be the Glyn Wise of this years Big Brother. It will be hard to tell though because I can’t understand a word he says. Not sure if that is because of his deafness or the fact he is Welsh!
“Sum peeepaw fink I’m fick but I ain’t” words of wisdom indeed from the very pretty Sophie. Despite her “so Cockney it ‘urts” accent Sophie is probably one of the most normal people in there.
“Power To The People” cries Piratey-dressed Lesbian Wolfie. Daughter of balding soft-permed Gladiator Wolf, we can expect to see her come of her shell as the weeks progress. She may look like something that escaped from the reject bin at a Care Bear factory but this could be your contestant to watch.
There you go that is all we have in there for now. They normally chuck in a few others at a later stage so you may get an update. Then again I might just get bored stiff of it all after a couple of days and decide to stop watching. That’s the joy of life though isn’t it? We never know what’s around the next corner.
Anyway enough ramblings from me I reckon! I will leave you all to it for now.
Just remember Big Brother is watching, even if you aren’t!