Hello there Peeps! *lifts glasses* it is I…Gazabell…here to impart some news to you. You know me I am never happier than when I am taking the piss out of things, and as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs I find that Reality TV is perfect for sating my piss-taking needs. As luck would have it we are in prime Reality TV piss-taking season. Hot off the heels of Hungary’s Got Talent, and The Voice, we have now entered the real of Big Brother where the real wannabe’s live and breathe in order to gain their 5 minutes of fame, before they fade into obscurity again (How’s life treating you Narinder, Ziggy and Eugene?).
Now I know that not everyone gets into Big Brother, so once
again I have taken it upon myself to introduce you to this years cast of “wacky,
zany” characters, and what a treat we have to you. Channel 5 has certainly
pulled out the stops this year. Not only have they given Brian Dowling a sex
change into a beautiful woman, and elocution lessons so we don’t have to hear
about the tribe of Annie’s in his life (Annie Thing, Annie Way, Annie Tips
etc), but they have also trawled their nets deep into the Sea of Wannabe (just
nearly the Island of YDFuckisthiscockonmyscreen) and dredged out some almighty
c*nts for us to slag off over the coming three months (if we last that long!).
This has obviously blown the budget because the house looks like Willy Wonka’s
Mental Breakdown this year!
Anyway without further ado let us meet your targets this
year…
Callum
The man who must have had a heavy paper round, Callum claims
to be 28 years old. We have yet to ascertain if this is in Dog Years but it
could possibly be. If not then he is probably using the patented Geri Halliwell
Date Calculator, available in all good pound shops now.
Named after her drug of choice, Charlie is a bad girl gone
good. I don’t know whether this means she spent time in Larkhall cadging snout
of the Two Julies or getting called a dirty slaaaaaag by Shell Dockley, but it
probably doesn’t. She has brought her mum in with her in case any of the big
kids nick her dinner money.
There are conflicting stories about the name of this
Professional Boxer. The first is that he was named after Athletics Legend Daley
Thompson, who he wants to emulate by starring in a Daz advert with Barry from
EastEnders. The second theory is that his parents just weren’t that good at
spelling but were big fans of the Daily Mail.
Daniel
Ex-copper Daniel likes nothing better than getting his
truncheon out and fingering suspects for all of their crimes. He also enjoys it
when people say to him “Evening Orifice, what have we here”. He is the only Gay
man in the house (unless you count the other 5).
Dexter
Asian Alan Partridge look-alike has already claimed the
title of biggest Tw*t in the house by boasting about his wealth and power. He
claims to have made his money by being a male prostitute but I think that is a
big far fetched. Who’d pay him for sex?? He also said he doesn’t need the money
or the fame so why bother going in there. This smug little fucker already
thinks he is a bit of a celebrity, and claims to be a celebrity publicist.
Shame he is the type of celebrity publicist that makes you yearn for Max
Clifford!
Gina
Named after the erstwhile singer of the lyrical masterpiece “Oooo
Ahhhh, Just a Little Bit”, Gina hobbies include being a big titted spoilt
bitch, and having no concept about how deplorable it is to waste so much money
on yourself. She is probably expecting the other contestants to wipe her arse
for her for the duration of her stay.
Irish Model Hazel is erm……well……erm…. Well ok I don’t know
what she is because I was just looking at her boobies when she came in. That’s
why I have put this pic up of her too because lets face it that’s all anyone
saw right?
Jack & Joe
Jack & Joe went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…..
who am I kidding they got out of breath a quarter of the way up and decided to
go to KFC instead. One of these brothers is straight & one is gay
apparently. Personally I wouldn’t be surprised if they fiddled with each other.
Jackie
If someone left Charlie on a low light for 5hrs this is what
you would get. Jackie is either the mother of Charlie or is Charlie herself
travelled back in time to meet herself. A bit like a crap version of Doctor
Who.
Jemima
Horsefaced pensioner Jemima claims to be a gold-digger. I
can see why because she certainly has the features of an 1890’s prospector. She
also claims to be a look-a-like of Sarah Jessica Parker but we all are. Look at
your foot and imagine it with a blonde wig and some lipstick on it. There you
have is SJP. Jemima looks to be a randy cougar and will be trying to get some
hot c*ck action in there.
Michael
Fresh out of the Dev Alahan School of Acting, Michael is the
People’s Puppet, which is apt because the other housemates may string him up
when they find out. I doubt it though because his tasks so far have been boring
and transparent, and the big reveal will be about as exciting as an evening
with Roy Cropper.
Demure ladylike Sallie is not one of these cheap looking
women who have their saggy arse and saggy tits hanging out while swearing like
a trooper and drinking Lambrini like its going out of fashion…..oh wait that’s
exactly what she is, with the added disadvantage of dressing like a reject from
All Saints (the 90s girl band not the shop).
Harry Styles look-alike…..wait that can’t be right? Is it
supposed to be Harry Enfield look-alike? Well whatever it is. Owner of the
shittest chat up line in the world (“You make my winkie expand”) Sam could be
the Glyn Wise of this years Big Brother. It will be hard to tell though because
I can’t understand a word he says. Not sure if that is because of his deafness
or the fact he is Welsh!
“Sum peeepaw fink I’m fick but I ain’t” words of wisdom
indeed from the very pretty Sophie. Despite her “so Cockney it ‘urts” accent
Sophie is probably one of the most normal people in there.
“Power To The People” cries Piratey-dressed Lesbian Wolfie.
Daughter of balding soft-permed Gladiator Wolf, we can expect to see her come
of her shell as the weeks progress. She may look like something that escaped
from the reject bin at a Care Bear factory but this could be your contestant to
watch.
There you go that is all we have in there for now. They
normally chuck in a few others at a later stage so you may get an update. Then
again I might just get bored stiff of it all after a couple of days and decide
to stop watching. That’s the joy of life though isn’t it? We never know what’s
around the next corner.
Anyway enough ramblings from me I reckon! I will leave you
all to it for now.
Just remember Big Brother is watching, even if you aren’t!
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