Saturday, 15 June 2013

You May Now Enter The Diary Room...


Hello there Peeps! *lifts glasses* it is I…Gazabell…here to impart some news to you. You know me I am never happier than when I am taking the piss out of things, and as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs I find that Reality TV is perfect for sating my piss-taking needs. As luck would have it we are in prime Reality TV piss-taking season. Hot off the heels of Hungary’s Got Talent, and The Voice, we have now entered the real of Big Brother where the real wannabe’s live and breathe in order to gain their 5 minutes of fame, before they fade into obscurity again (How’s life treating you Narinder, Ziggy and Eugene?).

Now I know that not everyone gets into Big Brother, so once again I have taken it upon myself to introduce you to this years cast of “wacky, zany” characters, and what a treat we have to you. Channel 5 has certainly pulled out the stops this year. Not only have they given Brian Dowling a sex change into a beautiful woman, and elocution lessons so we don’t have to hear about the tribe of Annie’s in his life (Annie Thing, Annie Way, Annie Tips etc), but they have also trawled their nets deep into the Sea of Wannabe (just nearly the Island of YDFuckisthiscockonmyscreen) and dredged out some almighty c*nts for us to slag off over the coming three months (if we last that long!). This has obviously blown the budget because the house looks like Willy Wonka’s Mental Breakdown this year!

Anyway without further ado let us meet your targets this year…
  

Callum

The man who must have had a heavy paper round, Callum claims to be 28 years old. We have yet to ascertain if this is in Dog Years but it could possibly be. If not then he is probably using the patented Geri Halliwell Date Calculator, available in all good pound shops now.







Charlie
Named after her drug of choice, Charlie is a bad girl gone good. I don’t know whether this means she spent time in Larkhall cadging snout of the Two Julies or getting called a dirty slaaaaaag by Shell Dockley, but it probably doesn’t. She has brought her mum in with her in case any of the big kids nick her dinner money.








Daley
There are conflicting stories about the name of this Professional Boxer. The first is that he was named after Athletics Legend Daley Thompson, who he wants to emulate by starring in a Daz advert with Barry from EastEnders. The second theory is that his parents just weren’t that good at spelling but were big fans of the Daily Mail.

 



Daniel
Ex-copper Daniel likes nothing better than getting his truncheon out and fingering suspects for all of their crimes. He also enjoys it when people say to him “Evening Orifice, what have we here”. He is the only Gay man in the house (unless you count the other 5).







Dexter
Asian Alan Partridge look-alike has already claimed the title of biggest Tw*t in the house by boasting about his wealth and power. He claims to have made his money by being a male prostitute but I think that is a big far fetched. Who’d pay him for sex?? He also said he doesn’t need the money or the fame so why bother going in there. This smug little fucker already thinks he is a bit of a celebrity, and claims to be a celebrity publicist. Shame he is the type of celebrity publicist that makes you yearn for Max Clifford!


 



Gina
Named after the erstwhile singer of the lyrical masterpiece “Oooo Ahhhh, Just a Little Bit”, Gina hobbies include being a big titted spoilt bitch, and having no concept about how deplorable it is to waste so much money on yourself. She is probably expecting the other contestants to wipe her arse for her for the duration of her stay.






Hazel
Irish Model Hazel is erm……well……erm…. Well ok I don’t know what she is because I was just looking at her boobies when she came in. That’s why I have put this pic up of her too because lets face it that’s all anyone saw right?





Jack & Joe

Jack & Joe went up the hill to fetch a pail of water….. who am I kidding they got out of breath a quarter of the way up and decided to go to KFC instead. One of these brothers is straight & one is gay apparently. Personally I wouldn’t be surprised if they fiddled with each other.




Jackie
If someone left Charlie on a low light for 5hrs this is what you would get. Jackie is either the mother of Charlie or is Charlie herself travelled back in time to meet herself. A bit like a crap version of Doctor Who.








Jemima
Horsefaced pensioner Jemima claims to be a gold-digger. I can see why because she certainly has the features of an 1890’s prospector. She also claims to be a look-a-like of Sarah Jessica Parker but we all are. Look at your foot and imagine it with a blonde wig and some lipstick on it. There you have is SJP. Jemima looks to be a randy cougar and will be trying to get some hot c*ck action in there.



 


Michael
Fresh out of the Dev Alahan School of Acting, Michael is the People’s Puppet, which is apt because the other housemates may string him up when they find out. I doubt it though because his tasks so far have been boring and transparent, and the big reveal will be about as exciting as an evening with Roy Cropper.







Sallie
Demure ladylike Sallie is not one of these cheap looking women who have their saggy arse and saggy tits hanging out while swearing like a trooper and drinking Lambrini like its going out of fashion…..oh wait that’s exactly what she is, with the added disadvantage of dressing like a reject from All Saints (the 90s girl band not the shop).






Sam
Harry Styles look-alike…..wait that can’t be right? Is it supposed to be Harry Enfield look-alike? Well whatever it is. Owner of the shittest chat up line in the world (“You make my winkie expand”) Sam could be the Glyn Wise of this years Big Brother. It will be hard to tell though because I can’t understand a word he says. Not sure if that is because of his deafness or the fact he is Welsh!




Sophie
“Sum peeepaw fink I’m fick but I ain’t” words of wisdom indeed from the very pretty Sophie. Despite her “so Cockney it ‘urts” accent Sophie is probably one of the most normal people in there.









Wolfie
“Power To The People” cries Piratey-dressed Lesbian Wolfie. Daughter of balding soft-permed Gladiator Wolf, we can expect to see her come of her shell as the weeks progress. She may look like something that escaped from the reject bin at a Care Bear factory but this could be your contestant to watch.









There you go that is all we have in there for now. They normally chuck in a few others at a later stage so you may get an update. Then again I might just get bored stiff of it all after a couple of days and decide to stop watching. That’s the joy of life though isn’t it? We never know what’s around the next corner.

Anyway enough ramblings from me I reckon! I will leave you all to it for now.


Just remember Big Brother is watching, even if you aren’t!

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Back To Life....Back To Reality (TV)

Hello you scrumptious little readers of blogs! It seems I have been neglecting you a big in the whole blogging stakes. Been a while since I last did one, but I know you are all connoisseurs of quality rather than quantity so I assume you don’t mind too much.

So why have I not blogged for a while? Why has my Tweeting levels dipped considerably? I have not been living with the indigenous Pygmy People of Mbuti, I have not been saving Whales, I’ve not be trapped in Louis Walsh’s Sexatorium. I’ve just had an epic year of stuff happening.

Firstly work has gotten a lot busier. I am a Civil Servant….or occasionally an Uncivil Servant if I am in a mood or lacking sleep… which to some might sound like a boring job. I quite like mine though. I have always been lucky in my role in that I have rarely been tied to a desk seeing a production line of people or processing paperwork. I have always been slipped into a nice niche (ooo-er missus) and have always enjoyed my job. Within the past 6 months my role has changed a fair bit and I am involved in a lot more than I used to be. I sometimes stay late to make sure I am well organised. This is unheard of for me, but I find that I don’t mind doing it. Of course this leaves me with much less time to tweet. Gone are the days when I did lots of outreach work and could basically tweet loads between appointments.

The second thing that has kept me away from Twitter has been my house which is “Lovingly” referred to as The House of Doom. I intend to do a full blog about this once I am back in the house, but basically I had a burst pipe in the attic which saturated pretty much the whole of my house. Since then I have had to move out, spent a week living like Alan Partridge in a Travel Tavern (well Premier Inn), followed by 2 weeks in my Mum & Dad’s Box Room hemmed in like a prisoner – those nights as @Gazabelljailed paid off there- and now I am in a temporary house for up to 6 months. My house is slowly but surely coming back together and in all honesty will probably look much better than it did before, but it has been a big upheaval and again has kept me away from blogging & tweeting as much as I used to.

As well as that throw in the usual of situations with family, friends, relationships, and just generally not being in the mood and that’s why you get a lack of hot, steamy @Gazabell action!

Don’t worry though we are heading into my prime tweeting part of the year. It is that time when Reality TV comes back to our screens with a vengeance, and that is what I like doing most of all. Taking the piss out of reality TV. We’ve just had #BGT which was ripe for the pisstake, but an even better event is on the horizon. Tonight sees the return of Big Brother to Channel 5. This is where you usually find the most deluded, arrogant, thick, people ripe to be made fun of. I’ve got to admit that I have not watched the last couple of series of normal Big Bro. I have with the celebrities but I think this year I will come back to the non-celebrities. I am basically going to spend today sharpening my claws, and doing Yoga in an attempt to free my mind from all distractions, and sit like a Guru of Bitchiness in preparation to unleash my tongue on the unsuspecting housemates (not in the good licky kind of way either!). Apologies if you aren’t a fan of Big Brother, but if you are following me then you should know by now that I do like a bit of pisstake telly and I will be polluting your timelines over the coming weeks I’m afraid!


Think that will do for a blog for now. I will try to make more of an effort to write them a bit more regularly now. So watch out for shameless plugs on my Twitter Feed!

Sunday, 23 September 2012

In The Year Of Our Lord...


On 10th September I reached another Milestone, celebrating a birthday that on the face of it doesn’t seem like that big a deal. It’s an odd number and one that you wouldn’t think twice about. I celebrated my 33rd Birthday, please hold back those comments saying I only look 24 (a guy can dream!) because I don’t mind being this old. I know some people hate the thought of getting older but I very rarely feel my age. In my head I am about 23 – just about mature enough to cope with being an adult, but young enough to still think I can stay out partying all hours and living life as much as I can. It’s a good place to be in your head I can tell you.

Anyway you might be thinking “Why is 33 such an important age?”. Well the answer is, it isn’t really, but there is one bit of trivia which I keep telling people, which I find quite amusing and I am going to share it with you. I have now lived as long as Jesus did. Yep, if my GCSE Religion is anything to go by Our Lord died when I he was 33.

Don’t worry this isn’t going to be a blog comparing me to the Son of God. I’ll leave that to quartets of 60’s pop Scousers or the weirdo brigade (here’s looking at you David Icke!). In fact at first glance I am more like the opposite to Jesus. Not in an Antichrist kind of way, but in a kind of reverse miracle kind of way. I mean Jesus turned water into wine, and I often turn wine into “water” (but you wouldn’t want to drink it!). I’ve never given a Sermon on the mount, mainly because I have to concentrate on the thrusting. And I can’t raise the dead, in fact I sometimes struggle to raise a smile on some people. Jesus was Aramaic, whereas I am more Aromatic. You get the picture!

On the other hand I do have some things in common I suppose. Jesus was good with wood, and so am I (even if I do say so myself) though admittedly not the same kind of wood. Jesus got angry with the money lenders, and I too have exchanged some angry letters with Nationwide. Jesus fed 5000 people with loaves and fishes, and I make a mean Fishfinger Butty. Jesus liked spending time in the company of 12 men and…well this is a family blog so we best leave that one there :P

So like I say I have not done this blog to big myself up as a new Son of Man, I just thought I would dispel some myths about being in your thirties. For example it is still possible for you to party hard like you did in your twenties. Even now I manage to get out more weekends, drink enough alcohol to fell Boris Yeltsin, and strut my funky stuff on the dancefloors. True I normally wake up the next day with calves that are tighter than Tory Government public funding finance plan, and I feel the tiredness a lot more, but that is the only difference to a night out when I was 25. The expected aches and pains of old age have yet to make a proper appearance. I can still get out of low furniture without groaning. I still know who most of the latest pop stars are – you won’t hear me saying “Who is Nicky Minge?”

I think I can credit my youthful feelings to my enjoyment of life and the company I keep. I have been really blessed in that I have an amazing family, not just my immediate one, but my extended family, which is HUGE. I have lots of aunts, uncles, hundreds of cousins and we all get on well together and have a good laugh when we see each other. Seeing my older relatives enjoying themselves, having a laugh and joke, comparing illnesses (at some family parties it’s like Ailment Top Trumps!) but still dancing, singing & laughing makes me realise that I don’t have to be old before my time. If my 79 year old Nan is still laughing everyday then that’s the way I want to be.

I’ve also been lucky with the friends I have got. I don’t like to brag (ok well maybe a little bit) but I have lots of friends of varying ages, and I can honestly say I always enjoy being with them. I have mates who I don’t see for years, but when we meet up it’s like I saw them the previous week. I have closer mates who I see often, and again I am always guaranteed a great laugh whenever I meet them. And the best thing is they still keep coming. I’ve got mates from school, mates I met by chance on nights out, mates from work, and now (in these exciting times of Social Media) I have mates I have met online. Even with the people I haven’t met but know online, most my Twitter followers, I know I can always find someone to talk to, to have a laugh with, and to moan to if I am down.

So how can I end this blog? I think I could give you some of the wealth of my wisdom of how to enjoy life because it has always stood me in good stead. Let’s call them the Gazabell 7 Commandments (blimey we are back on religion again!) because I can’t be arsed thinking of 10

·         Laugh Every Day
o   It’s supposed to be the Best Medicine (Diabetics I would still stick to Insulin) and I think if you can find something to laugh about everyday then things can’t be all that bad

·         Take The Piss
o   Now there is a fine line between taking the piss in a vindictive nasty way, and doing it in a way to make people laugh without hurting someone. I think a bit of gentle ribbing is a good thing. You have to remember that if you are going to take the piss don’t do it nastily to their face, and always be prepared to take the piss out of yourself

·         Never Forget You Are Amazing
o   I don’t mean become an arrogant arsehole. I just mean that everyone is special in their own way. Some people can’t see it in themselves so tell them if they can’t. Nobody is worthless so never think you are

·         Have Something To Look Forward To
o   Always have something in the pipeline that you want to do. It could be meeting up with friends, planning a holiday, organising a night out, taking the cat to get it’s claws clipped or playing Volleyball with Nuns. Things are always better when you have something to count down to.

·         Say Something Nice
o   I might come across as a piss-taking cheeky fucker, but I do have a nice side and I always try to make an effort to say something nice to a least one person a day. A little thing like that could make a big difference to your day.

·         Don’t Be Scared To Be Impromptu
o   Some people don’t like coming out of their comfort zone, but often the best way to have fun is to do something you haven’t planned, something unexpected. I have no plans for today, but if I wanted to I could make a video of me dressed as Sir Lancelot singing “Oh What A Knight”. I could run up and down the street waving a scarf over my head. I could ring Dame Wincey Willis and quote every line from the film Short Circuit 2. I’m not going to like, but I like the fact that my mind can come up with these things and I can do them if I want.

·         Follow Gazabell
o   I can’t guarantee to be funny all the time, or even any of the time, but I do try to give it my best shot. If I say something you like don’t be scared to Retweet it, because like most Tweeps a RT or a Favourite is like cocaine mixed with Jaegerbombs washed down with Pepsi and vodka and ecstasy (in short very addictive!) and once you have had it you just want more more more. Don’t be scared to give me a shoutout either. I would like to hit 5000 followers at some point (I’ll feed them with Tweet-sized loaves & fishes). You don’t just have to follow me on Twitter though. You can find me on Tumblr, Path, Facebook, Instagram, Dailybooth & probably anywhere else you care to look, so feel free to follow me or spread the word.


I think that should be enough pontificating and spreading a quick array of utter bollocks into your life for now anyway so Here Endeth Todays Lesson.

@Gazabell




Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Twank You

Now first of all don’t get too excited about the title of this blog. For once it is not about “Stopping the Rapture” as you might expect. It is actually me saying Thank You in Twitter-speak. You must have noticed that you can make a Twitter word by just replacing the first one or two letters of a word with the letters TW (I’m still not sure what you call a member of Twitter you consider a Tw*t though). I will admit that I may be wrong with using this phrase to thank somebody though, so if I was you I would be a bit wary about Twanking somebody, or offering your sincerest Twanks, or they may be expecting something you are not prepared to offer!

So why indeed am I “Twanking” you (& yes I am offering you) in this blog you may be asking yourself (well if you are reading it, otherwise I doubt the thought has crossed your mind) the answer is because today it is 3 years since I joined the phenomenon that is Twitter. I have explained many times why I joined and what you can expect if you join (just click on the Twitter tag at the bottom to read these) but today I want to say a huge big




THANK YOU


To each and every one of the people who followed me and who I have followed, to the Followers, Friends, Pretend Personalities, Spammers, Fakers, Unfollowers, Blockers and everyone in between, it has been a pleasure interacting with you because you have kept me very entertained over the past Three years

You have made me laugh, you have made me cry, you have lifted me out of down moods, you have turned me on, turned me off, you have annoyed me, you have upset me, you have given me even more confidence, you have made me dream about you, you have made me be funny, and best of all you have made me Happy.

This sounds a bit like I am leaving Twitter, but there is no chance of that happening as far as I can see. I enjoy our interactions too much. Where else can you talk about wanking with such reckless abandon? Where else can you tell people you paint cats blue? Where else can you drunkenly try to talk to people about your night out? Where else can you invent new games like the Piss Olympics and tell people about how you are going to shove an onion up your bosses arse? – you don’t have to answer these questions they are merely rhetorical!

I should point out that I do actually have a great “real” life too, and my number of tweets is more to do with the fact that I enjoy your company than the fact that I sit in a room all day either tweeting or wanking!

Saying that I hope that over the past few of years I have done what I intended to do on Twitter. To make you laugh & keep you entertained, to be somebody you feel you can chat to whether you were feeling up, down (or even bent over ;-D), and to be somebody who will reply to anybody. I might not be to the taste of everybody but who is? Without sounding like a big head I think I am a pretty decent, genuine person and I hope that comes across on Twitter.

So whether we speak often or have never tweeted each other before feel free to tweet me anytime. I always try to reply, although given the number of people I follow I do sometimes miss tweets or am slow replying, so never think I am being ignorant. Most of all never take me too seriously because I am mainly about having a laugh and a bit of banter.

And now as I look back on almost 115,000 tweets over three years (though technically more like 2 & a half years) I hope I will be still going strong in on 6th July 2014 on my 5th Anniversary and I hope that you will still be along for the ride.

Lots of love, hugs, kisses from a really big Twanker
@Gazabell

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Boots & Cats! Boots & Cats!



Sound the fanfare! Set off the fireworks! Toot your horn (easy now!) and let out a huge HURRAH! For it is that time again! We have reached another Britain's Got Dance Acts & Lots Of Singers but No Real Variety Final. It doesn't seem that long ago until Scottish Sex Siren, Susan Boyle, put Britain firmly on the map to show that not only do we have the sexiest women on the planet, but we also know how to shake our hips at middle aged men and can knock a tune out if we want to. Since then we have had a succession of successful singers and dance groups that have won the competition. I can't name them all off the top of my head mind you but I am sure they are very successful even so. 

Tonight (well unless you are reading this much later!) we will see 6 singing acts (no its not XFactor even though it might seem like it!) take on 3 dance acts & 1 synchronised swimming act proving without a doubt that variety is not dead (unless you are a comedian, magician, bell ringer, impressionist, trampolinist, big spinny hoop person, martial arts act, pianist, contortionist, ventriloquist, puppeteer, laser harpist, or pan wearing Dalek Impersonator). 


As I type this the Judges are getting their 2nd coat of Cuprinol and their teeth Tip-Exed in preparation for tonight. While they are doing that I will once again use my position at Syco as Simon Cowell's hairstylist to give you some backstage gossip, just like I did about Jean Martyn & Frankie Cocknocker when they were involved with the company. So without further ado let us see what we have in store for tonight:-

Ashleigh & Pudsey

We British love our pets and so it is no surprise that we have a dancing dog in the final this year. She has also brought a canine with her and is a hot favourite to win, as people go wild over seeing a little dogging walking around on 2 legs groping the hips of a woman, while Simon Cowell will be smiling like a gurning fool because he is really really into bestiality. They will be dancing tonight to 90s classic Doop by the band Doop.


Aquabatique

A Saturday night full of wet women eh? A Typical Saturday night for any woman who spends time in my company ;) But these women aren't just ordinary women - no they are women who can keep their mouths shut for more than two minutes! A rarity nowadays eh lads? lol. These women have taken their inspiration for life from the movie Splash staring Daryl Hannah and have set plans in motion to grab a man and make him live under water with them forever. Yes even the woman with the odd shaped boobs. I doubt they will win today but they will there to give the men something to look at to balance up for the women perving off Jonathan. They will be swimming to the song Under The Sea

Jonathan & Charlotte


Porcelain faced sex god Jonathan breezed his way into the finals bringing his chubby singing partner along with him for the ride. Little is known about him apart from her spends 12 hours a day masturbating over Charlotte's Facebook page and spends at least 3 hours a day singing very loudly in an Operatic Voice at full pelt in a tramps face. Rumour has it that this is his second crack at stardom so he will have an experience factor that others won't.....


 Rumour has it that they will sing an operatic version of 1993 No1 Hit Mr Blobby

Kai and Natalia


I can think of literally nothing vaguely amusing to write about this duo, which sort of suggests that I find them a bit boring, even though they are good at what they do. I think they have Strictly No Chance of winning. They are dancing to the theme tune from Blockbusters

Loveable Rogues


They might be Loveable Rogue who are highlighting just how sexy a musical instrument the Ukulele is but using my mums very stringent rule that anyone who wears shoes & trousers without socks is a pervert I'm afraid I won't be supporting them. I may have a go at writing my own song about real life things. If it's about things I am into then it may well be calling the Drinky Wanking Song! :)  Loveable Rogues will be singing another self-penned song about real life called Simon Offered Us A Record Deal If We Suck Him Off


Molly Rainford


Now I know it is not considered good form to berate children, but fuck it I am going to. I really don't like the child acts on BGT. They are always very mediocre but because the producers are scared that they will break down and cry like that Adelweiss kid a few years ago they get comments comparing them to Mariah Carey and told they are excellent. If anyone was watching the semi-final that this child was in they would have heard the same slow, boring, slightly off-key dirge I heard? If Molly wins I might have to go on a King Herod style spree to ensure that in a decades time we are not still listening to pointless child acts. She will be singing a very slow version of When I'm Cleaning Windows by George Formby

Nu-Sxool


Paedophiles dream act, Nu-Sxool, have probably been the most subtle in getting their sob story across. Not for them are tales of bullying, discrimination or growing up on the wrong side of the ghetto. They have made their barrier obvious in their spelling. It is obviously a school for Dyslexic people who's only outlet is Dance! It's like a modern day Fame in the making. Saying that although they will be good I don't think I will be as big a fan of their act as Gary Glitter will be. They will be dancing to the original Grange Hill theme during which David Walliams will run on with a sausage on a fork.

Only Boys Aloud


Discrimination still lives on as this womanphobic choir who only allow boys into their singing world reach the finals. Unlike "New School" these did try to use a sob story to get to the final by saying they were bullied. They are Welsh though so what do they expect???? I'm surprised that any bully would want to attack them with their slightly creepy looking Choirmaster protecting them from behind the bushes. I wonder if they will wear their ever so trendy White Shirts & Blue Jeans Summer Bay High uniform tonight? They are singing the Home & Away theme tune.

Ryan O'Shaughnessy


The man with the surname that Dec seems to have a lot of trouble pronouncing (WTF is O'shopmessy?) managed to wangle his way into the final after escaping from the clutches of The Voice Ireland (God knows who the judging panel is on that show? Dana, Daniel O'Donnell, one of the Nolans and probably Kian from Westlife I reckon) and writing two of his own songs (they wont be as good as the Drinky Wanking Song though!). Poor Ryan, despite having Teeth that make Cowell stiffer than a 5 week dead corpse, and being a very talented song writer, has still not been able to get the girl of her dreams to open her legs...I mean heart... to him. He is not too concerned about winning tonight, but rather capturing the love of his life. Maybe when he sings his new ballad "I've Never Seen A Big Bushy Fanny Before" she will finally cave in and hook up with him.

 Sam Kelly


Named after the esteemed actor of Porridge, On The Up and Barbara fame, Sam took to music so he could earn enough money to get his other arm tattooed. He wants a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine on there and a picture of Alicia Dixon noshing off Simon Cowell. He hopes to win tonight with his cover version of Snooker Loopy by Chas & Dave.


The Wild Card!

Don't forget we also have a Wild Card act in the final! Will it be Pissed & Twulse Junior? Will it be The Fix....erm I mean The Mend. Will it be Billy George and his giant hoop (I thought I had misheard it at first and it was Boy George who I believe also has a big hoop)? 

I personally hope that it is none other than the sexiest winky organ manipulator on the planet....



We can but live in hope! 

Failing that maybe this chap could go on and sing The Shoop Shoop Song in the style of a Dalek? 


There you go with your guide to the Britain's Got Talent Final 2012. Hope it gave you at least a bit of a chuckle and if not tough shit I'm no David Walliams.

Catch you on Twitter
@Gazabell


PS: I don't hate children, the Welsh, the Irish, singers, dance acts, Simon Cowell's teeth, women, men, Orangutans or hoops. I do hate Jedward though.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Who is she? Who is she?


We as a nation are obsessed by our celebrities. I don’t know why it happens and I don’t know why we take such an interest in them. Actually I do. It’s because, at the end of the day, we are all a bunch of right nosey bastards. That’s why when reality television really kicked off about 15 years ago it was only a matter of time before we got celebrity versions of shows. It’s all very well watching “normal” (i.e. Fame hungry wannabes) people in these shows, but what we really want to see if people we think we know, and with most celebrities we do think we already know them, and the TV Producers knew that and decided that Celebrity Versions would draw us all in. Do you know what? They were right – we love to see people get humiliated in this country; we love to see people out of their comfort zones doing things that they don’t like doing, and that’s why we keep watching these shows.

Of course the TV Producers do stretch the word “celebrity” to almost breaking point, as we shall see later on in this blog, because there is no way that someone whose career is going well is going to wank a pig, eat a kangaroo dick or subject themselves to high definition Bruce Forsyth (rumoured to be akin to a testicle with a face), but no matter what, each time these shows come on and we sit there looking at the screen saying “Who the fuck is Aggro Santos?” and “How does failing your driving test so many times make you famous?” we will still tune in to the human circus that is Celebrity Reality TV.

If you are reading this just as I have written it (don’t worry I will be plugging it like a Dutch boy with a finger in a dyke) then you will know that Channel 5 (or is it just Five now?) have graced us with “Celebrity” Big Brother 2012 (a mere 5 months after the last one?). If you are reading it months or years later then (A) what took you so long?, and (B) I told you [insert name of winning celebrity] would win it didn’t I? If you are watching it then you will already know that a show like this is made for Twitter. If you read the Hashtag #cbb then you will get to see some very funny tweets about the show from the witty & urbane Tweeps on there. I will certainly be joining in the tweeting (@Gazabell or more likely if I overtweet @Gazabelljailed) and I suggest that you do to, because it is a lot of fun.

If you have never watched a reality TV show before I suggest that you watch this. These “celebrities” are really just people who obviously need some exposure, have got fuck all to do, or got offered good money – no matter how many times they say they wanted the experience, needed a break, or just wanted to have fun. You may not know who the “celebrities” are in this series (I must admit I had to look up a couple of them) so I have done you a handy guide to help you out….


Andrew Stone

This poor man’s Lionel Blair is a self-professed Triple-Threat, which seems to mean is a Twat, Fuckwit & Cunt, and apparently people who like him call him the “Starman” (i.e. he & he alone calls himself “Starman”). He ‘shot to fame’ by being on that show with Louis Spence, where he was out camped, out danced & out-liked by the middle-aged twisty lispy juggernaut. However, he is apparently the Cream that rises to the top he claims, though it looks like the cream has curdled and now smells of sick. Nevertheless this straight as a slinky gobshite thinks he is in with a shot of winning. He will be lucky to outlast Frankie Cocknocker.



Denise Welsh

She might look like Eddie Izzard in drag but Denise has the drinking ability of Oliver Reed. According to my mum Denise is a renowned “Slaaaaaaggg” and it must be said that from what I have seen of her she makes your average cougar look like a nun, though you get the feeling that she is just playing up to this image. Denise is will mainly spend this series looking for booze, drunkenly coming onto anyone with a dick (watch out Sonia!) and flashing her middle-aged tits at anyone who glances at her





Frankie Cocknocker

Neglected Ewok lookalike & spotty Herbert Frankie is listed as an “Entertainer” on the official Big Brother Facebook Page. I didn’t know that spreading various STDs around was quite so entertaining, but apparently it is. Despite looking like he has not had a wash for 3 years, and he is wearing a back-to-front wig, this squashed face young clapbag will probably stay in for a fair bit, as apparently teenage girls nowadays like nothing better than being biffed by a green discharge ridden dick with the promise that they can have their name tattooed on a bum. It has to be said that I am not a fan of this person, as I have already mentioned in a previous blog. This may become apparent in my tweets.


Gareth Thomas

Old faced 37 year old Gareth likes nothing better than having his face in pair of big hairy meaty thighs, a man behind him & grabbing odd shaped balls. Oh and I think he played Rugby or something. I don’t think he will face any homophobia in the house because he looks like he snap anyone he wants to in half in there, and in all probability he will be a favourite to win.







Georgia Salpa

Beautiful Georgia is beautiful, and is famous for…..erm being beautiful. Possibly the biggest contender on this years “Who the fuck is that?” scenario is this beautiful woman, who despite being beautiful, is apparently most famous for modelling underwear. No wonder nobody recognises her face, which is beautiful of course. She will spend her time in the house being beautiful and talking in some kind of Is it/Isn’t it Irish accent but nobody will be listening to her anyway, just staring at her because she is beautiful. She will be lucky not to get an STD of Frankie Cocknocker.




Kirk Norcross

No show of 2011/2012 would be complete without an appearance by somebody off TOWIE. Because nothing draws in ratings like a “celebrity” off a show which is only shown on ITV2 (a station that gets fewer viewers than 5) and is watched mainly by morons who like their shows faked to within an inch of their life. Expect such catchphrase gems to be heard as “shut up” “Reem” “Ufkefafka” “In da blingo” and “Woppelychoppely” (please note I don’t watch the show and have taken liberties with some of these catchphrases). These reality shows always have a loveable rogue – this is your one for this year, so he will probably go far.


Kristina & Karissa

These pinch-nosed, odd-faced 'glamour' ladies are basically famous for shagging an octogenarian man. These twin Playbunnies are models apparently and are supposed to drive men mad with desire, but I think by the end of their stay you can take the words “with desire” out of the equation. As far as sex appeal goes they are outdone by at least 2 of the other women, maybe even Natasha Giggs and at a push Denise Izzard (sorry Sonia), but they have the potential to be more annoying than those Irish fuckwits Twit & Twat (is that even possible?).





Michael Madsen

Gravel voiced American, Michael, drinks petrol and gargles shards of glass to get his husky voice. He must be a renowned exposer, because a lot of people said to him “Free Willy” but we will have to wait and see. He is the most likely person to not have a fucking clue what is going on in the house, and will probably leave after a few days.







Natalie “Sonia” Cassidy

Trumpet loving, Transvestite look-a-like, Sonia has gone into the Big Brother house because she needs the money. When not rubbing it in people’s faces that she brought out a fitness DVD, creamed all the money, & then put her weight back on, Sonia likes to call people “Babes” in an attempt to annoy them. To be fair though I think she has got a good chance of winning the show, as she seems to be down to earth. She will do herself lots of favours by ragging Nicola McClean around the house.





Natasha Giggs

Yes it has come to this. Apparently nowadays you qualify as a celebrity if you have shagged someone famous. Watch out Celebrity Big Brother 2013 I’m coming to get you, because I once had a night of passion with Grotbags, and went to a very interesting party with Michael Barrymore……erm which I am not allowed to talk about. Natasha basically got nobbed by her brother-in-law which was in the papers – ergo she is now a celebrity. I don’t expect her to be in the show long.





Nicola McLean

Big tits, giganto jugs, massive mamms, Nicola was not content with having one shot at reality TV fame in I’m A Celebrity….. It seems that being less popular than 80s sadcase & extremely unlikable twat, David Van Day, has driven her to have another crack at getting herself 5 more minutes of fame. Nicola is sure to win the viewers over by bragging about all her money, jewellery and going on about the fact that she is a mother CONSTANTLY. She would be better off keeping her mouth shut and sitting there with her norks out for 3 weeks.




Romeo Dunn

Frank Bruno sound-a-like Romeo is a rapper, and is especially good at doing those fiddly little bows and those little tags you get with the paper. Hohohohohoho just my little joke, he was a member of So Solid Crew, which leads me to question how solid you actually are if you have to have the back up of 20 other people? He would be more solid if he only had 5 people to back him up in a fight surely? They ain’t so solid to me! Romeo is hoping to last a while because the last time he was on telly it only took him 21 seconds to go.



Annie Thing

This is the one contestant I couldn't find something out about. I am not really sure who she is, but it is possible that she also goes under the name of Annie Pointers, Annie Tips, Annie Way, Annie Ofthem, Annie Love, Annie Makeup. Whoever she is Brian Dowling mentioned her lots, but I have yet to see her in it, and I don't think we even saw her come out to be honest. I am going to keep on watching though, just in case we see this mysterious Annie!




So that’s it people – your cast of characters for Celebrity Big Brother 2012. I would say whether you like reality TV or not it is definitely worth a watch to see how it goes, and if you are watching I really recommend you keep an eye on Twitter too on the #cbb hashtag - some of the people who tweet about it make the show much more enjoyable, and I think that even if you don't like it you will still get a bit of a laugh out of it :)

If you decide to watch it then enjoy the show, and if you don't well at least you read this and that made it worth my time watching it.

Peace Out

@Gazabell

Saturday, 24 December 2011

A Christmas Cracker



Well it's that time of year again. Time to jingle your bells, polish your baubles, feed your reindeer, give your fairy a good wipe down & dispense off-colour smutty comments with look seemingly innocent, but when in the hands of a master smut dispenser give the Yule period an extra sparkle. It's Christmas Eve, and poor Santa, who only comes once a year (so different to me!) is getting ready to shoot down your chimney, empty his sack and fill you to the brim with festive deposits, so whack on some Christmas tunes, baste your turkey & wop it in a hot oven!

I am currently at that stage now where I am still considering & still putting off wrapping my presents but I know I will knuckle down in a minute and get on with it all, but before I do I just want to share something with you that I got off the amazingly funny @williamstafford off Twitter at the first Christmas Party I went to this year (in November).

Who are the perfect dinner guests to invite to your Christmas Party?

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Muss
Jess Likedee
Juan Zi
Hugh Sterno

Wendy Treetops-Glisten
Ann Chilled-Wren
Liz Anne
"Two Ears" Laybelle
Cindy Snow

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Mussunt
Avery Chris
Miss Carr
Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby
Mary-Ann Bright
Ann May Hall-York-Rhys
Mrs B White

This is just a little blog to wish all of my Twitter Followers, Facebook Friends, Google+ers (who I don't know most of) a very, smutty, sexy, horny, loving, cuddly, happy, wonderful, marvellous

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

If I could get to each and everyone of you with my mistletoe (which I usually hang from my belt!) for a nice kiss I most definitely would. Have a great festive period & if you see me about say hi :)

@Gazabell xxx

PS - oh yes I did reach 100,000 tweets well before 2012 - my heartfelt thanks can be found HERE

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Frankie do we remember you?



So it's official then! STD ridden, neglected Ewok look-a-like Frankie Cocknocker has been kicked out of the X-Factor for breaking one of the "Golden Rules". Is it terribly rude that I am glad he got kicked out. Not just the fact that he can't sing. It does my head in that he is bigged up as a party animal. If he is a party animal I must be like Oliver Reed!

Anyway you are probably more intrigued by the words "Golden Rules" and I can reveal the answers to you. As you may remember I work for Simon Cowell and can give you the inside story from SyCo about these mystery "Golden Rules". There are 10 of these said rules which vary each year and they are to be strictly adhered to at all times or the Wrath Of Cowell ("Cooooooowwwwwwwellllllll") will descend up you. These very strict rules or "Cowell Commandments" this year are, in no particular order:-

  1. Thou Shalt Not Leave Your fetid cock discharge on Tulisa's pillow
  2. Thou Shalt Not put Dermot's suits on a shrink wash
  3. Thou Shalt Not out Louis Walsh
  4. Thou Shalt Not swap Craig Colton's slimfast for protein shake
  5. Thou Shalt Not hide one of Kitty Brucknell's eyebrows
  6. Thou Shalt Not call Kelly Rowland "an annoying fucking c*nt" y'all
  7. Thou Shalt Not wear your wig back to front
  8. Thou Shalt Not claim that Steve Brookstein was the greatest ever XFactor winner
  9. Thou Shalt Not call everyone RACHEL ADEDEJI in the style of Peter Dickinson
  10. Thou Shalt Not get "Dawn Barlow" tattooed on your arse

If you can manage to stick to all of these commandments then you have every chance of reaching the final. At least now we don't have to worry about all these teenage slags who want to get poked by Frankie's green, blistered, dick voting for him. To those that did vote for him because you thought he was fit I say to you that this is what you could expect to see in the future