Punnilingus (Part4)

Even more puns:-

• I'm using wizard of oz bubble bath. There's no place like foam.

• You said I used to light up your life. Well I did always hold a torch for you.

• Electrical items make me really angry, but then again I always did have a short fuse

• That doctor was a bit cruel using sodium chloride to treat my injury. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound.

• They want me to come up with a sum using only the number 0 Nought will come of it.

• I went to a sexy party where people tried to grow plants in my arse. It was a bit seedy!

• I really really miss all those evergreen trees. I think I'm starting to pine.

• I heard some lovely music in the elevator today. It really lifted me up.

• I had a bowl of carpet cuttings for breakfast today. All part of my high fibre diet.

• Look at that fella who won all those cheese slices. The Krafty bastard!

• My boss told me he wanted to caress my buttocks with his lips! He can kiss my arse if he thinks I'm gonna let him do that!

• I was going to go play snooker, but there's a terrible cue.

• I promised to due all of the polishing every day. I'm sorry I took that pledge now.

• Some man in the park is throwing waterfowl at people! Quick DUCK!

• I think my boss thinks I'm fireproof? I'm sure i've just heard him say I'm retardant!

• I made a lot of money in glue sales, so I'm fairly solvent.

• Ike & Tina named their child after their favourite book. She's a real Paige Turner.

• I've just made some head lice from wool. Gonna call them Knits!

• My mum said she cant be bothered to fix the stitching on my trousers. The lazy sew & sew!

• I've just told a woman she's got a face like an open shop. That shutter up!

• I hate that man with a face like a teapot! Always spouting off!

• In work they made me carry so many belts that I started to buckle!

• I'm doing a telephone survey about collecting jewellery. If anybody is interested can they give me a ring.

• Our local gymnastics team have electrified the Horse, so I have to volt it now.

• Just seen a brilliant movie about sheet metal work. I was riveted!

• I've taken to snorting wasps for the high. Something about it really gives me a buzz.

• The Police want me to join their Duvet Division. I'm going undercover.

• What about this new lotion that is supposed to clean your hair & is made from human faeces! It didn't even work. It was a Sham Poo

• In the rubbish dump there was a huge pile of weighing machines that I felt I just had to climb. So I did and I scaled new heights.

• A girl in work left this week. She's a big Country & Western fan so we got her "The Best Of Dolly". It was a Parton gift.

• Somebody keeps ringing me & singing Prince Charming & Stand & Deliver down the phone. I keep telling him to fuck off.... but he's adamant. (Not one of my own but made me laugh!)

• I've decided that if I ever become a rapping politician I'm going to call myself "The Rhyme Minister"

• Help! I've fallen into a massive jar of vinegar and now I'm in a bit of a pickle!

• I've just accidentally drank some hair colouring! I could have dyed!

• My uncle has married an insect! I guess that makes her my Ant?

• What are those boats called that transport plasma? Blood vessels isn't it?

• Your eyes are absolutely beautiful! Sorry. Could I get any cornea?

• Do you know what makes me smile? A colon, hyphen and a close bracket symbol together.

• This enforced transvestism has really upset me. I'm in dis-dress!

• Oh streetlamps! You light up my life you know! <3

• I'm eager to enter the "Guess The Condiment" Competition. You could say I'm keen as mustard.

• Have you ever tried smoking a rodent? Man it made me really trippy. That was some bad skunk!

• My first film about frogs went down really well. I'm hoping it will spawn a sequel.

• I have invented a zip that you can pre-set to undo whenever you want them to. Gonna call them "Time flies"

• I've joint a cult that regards dripping & cooking fat above everything else. Praise The Lard!

• I've got a phobia of masonry. Every time I see some I start bricking it.

• I'd like to cut all the wool off a sheep with a huge pair of scissors! Just for the shear thrill of it.

• They've made some marvellous advances in boob jobs recently. I'm keeping abreast of the situation.

• I shouldn't have let them paint me indigo today. It's left me feeling blue.

• I stayed in that fungus hotel last night. It wasn't too bad, but there wasn't mushroom.

• They want me to go and harvest their crop of fibres! Now wait a cotton pickin' minute!

• Working in this Michelin factory doesn't half tyre me out.

• I need somebody to make these metal gloves I've designed. Any takers? I'm throwing down the gauntlet.

• I'm waiting for my communist VHS cassettes to be delivered, but there is a problem with export. Bloody red tape!

• I don't rate smoking pebbles! So much for getting stoned!

• Have you seen that man whose had his eyes replaced with potatoes? No? Keep 'em peeled then!

• They said I can have tomorrow off work because I cleaned all the toilets. Time off in loo I think they said.

• I've just been told that I won't get my next army promotion. That's a Major letdown.

• I did crap in the first hopping race, but I'm hoping to do better in the second leg.

• My Indian mate robbed all my clothes, so I robbed all of theirs. Who's Sari now?!

• So they have invented marijuana with ground up crustaceans in it. I believe it's known as Lobster Pot.

• I've read that they have translated the Bible into Cockney. Would you Adam & Eve it?

• I've just been complimented on the size of my one-eyed blinks I think. I'm sure I've just heard somebody say I'm a massive winker.

• I'm really annoyed with that fella who does the puzzles in the paper. I can see us having crosswords!

• Someone asked me if we can have the Union Jack on the wall in work. I'll have to flag it up at the next meeting.

• Lost some money on crab racing today, but managed to claw most of it back.

• The government are refusing to explain why they are shooting duvets into the sky. I think it's some kind of cover up.

• Gutted that I've had to sell my antique globe because I was desperate for cash. That thing was my world!

• That testicle juggling act did not go down well with the royal family. Somebody dropped a bollock there.

• I've been sweating cider recently. No wonder everyone says I've got Strongbow.

• I was going to replace all my own windows, but it sounded a bit of a pane to do.

• I'm a champion banana skinner. I always did think I would grow up to be a-peeling.

• The doctor is looking for volunteers for a "nasal epidermal cultivation" experiment. I might apply. It's no skin off my nose.

• Our love would be so special if it wasn't for your allergy to wax, because nobody can hold a candle to you.

• There's something going on in this light fittings shop, but they are keeping me in the shade.

• My dope-smoking mate said that all cows are obsidian really. That's the Pot calling the cattle black.

• What's that word for somebody who hates campanology? It doesn't ring any bells at the moment.

• I think I'd wear make up, but it would make me blush.

• There is something wrong with this machine gun. It's the repeater. It's the repeater. It's the repeater. It's the repeater.

Punnilungus (Part 3)

Yet more punnage for your enjoyment:-

• I wanted to know more about spiders so I looked them up on the web.

• I've just seen somebody cripple a dromedary with a little plastic tube. I'm sorry but that's the straw that broke the camels back!

• NIPPLES! Sorry that was just something I had to get off my chest.

• I have a talent for naming things you can wear around your wrists. Quite often I can do it off the cuff.

• I've made the biggest Ice Cream in the World. It's going to be really hard to beat. It's gonna take some lickin'

• I'm going to win Security Product of the Year. It's a lock.

• If your an alibi for a Jehovah's Witness does that make you a Jehovah's Witness Witness?

• I love the mathematical symbol "less than 3"

• I've invented the one rung ladder. That will be my first step to greatness.

• I've just made some priests vestments out of a dishrag. I truly am a man of the cloth.

• They say Doctor Who has a very firm bladder. That's why he's been known to pert wee

• I've been throwing my watch up in the air for hours. My doesn't time fly.

• Just seen that Matt Smith. Who does he think he is? His predecessor was my landlord. Yes I was David's tenant.

• I really enjoy getting dressed up as a nun, but It's a really bad habit.

• I'm going to tell you a really long joke about a Grizzly now, but bear with me.

• I'm been put forward for an Engraver of the Year Award. I think I've got a good chance. It's not written in stone though.

• I've been sacked from my job in the photograph developers, but I'm not going to get all negative about it.

• Came home drunk late last night & fell asleep in the kennel. Looks like that's me in dog house again!

• I think I'm allergic to this job making caskets. I just can't stop coffin.

• If women have bras, shouldn't men have some kind of underwear top to wear. I have a vested interest in this subject.

• What about this kitten they have parachuted into Trafalgar Square. That will certainly put the cat amongst the pigeons.

• My Ford Fiesta is flooded! Looks like I'll have to car pool this week.

• I wanted to build something I could keep all my books on, but I've had to shelve the idea for now.

• That joke I just told the cloakroom attendant didn't go down to well. I'll get my coat...

• I'm super speedy when it comes to taking pictures. Quick as a flash you might say.

• If I caught any friends of mine on Heroin I'd give them a smack!

• I'm playing hide & seek and hiding in a bin. The only thing is I'm so excited I can barely contain myself.

• What is the Hulk's favourite potato substitute? SMASH

• The bottom of all the walls in this house have got cracks in them. I could cover them up, but that would be just skirting around the issue.

• The local Santa impersonator is absolutely rubbish. If I was his boss I'd be giving him the sack.

• Wind energy turbines - part of me wishes I was one but I'd be rubbish. Another part of me hates them. I suppose I'm not the biggest fan.

• They decorated the office, but have to wait a few days to finish it & asked me to keep an eye on it. It's so boring. Like watching paint dry

• I can't stand those people who treat me like a block of cheese. It really grates on me.