Twank You

Now first of all don’t get too excited about the title of this blog. For once it is not about “Stopping the Rapture” as you might expect. It is actually me saying Thank You in Twitter-speak. You must have noticed that you can make a Twitter word by just replacing the first one or two letters of a word with the letters TW (I’m still not sure what you call a member of Twitter you consider a Tw*t though). I will admit that I may be wrong with using this phrase to thank somebody though, so if I was you I would be a bit wary about Twanking somebody, or offering your sincerest Twanks, or they may be expecting something you are not prepared to offer!

So why indeed am I “Twanking” you (& yes I am offering you) in this blog you may be asking yourself (well if you are reading it, otherwise I doubt the thought has crossed your mind) the answer is because today it is 3 years since I joined the phenomenon that is Twitter. I have explained many times why I joined and what you can expect if you join (just click on the Twitter tag at the bottom to read these) but today I want to say a huge big

THANK YOU

To each and every one of the people who followed me and who I have followed, to the Followers, Friends, Pretend Personalities, Spammers, Fakers, Unfollowers, Blockers and everyone in between, it has been a pleasure interacting with you because you have kept me very entertained over the past Three years

You have made me laugh, you have made me cry, you have lifted me out of down moods, you have turned me on, turned me off, you have annoyed me, you have upset me, you have given me even more confidence, you have made me dream about you, you have made me be funny, and best of all you have made me Happy.

This sounds a bit like I am leaving Twitter, but there is no chance of that happening as far as I can see. I enjoy our interactions too much. Where else can you talk about wanking with such reckless abandon? Where else can you tell people you paint cats blue? Where else can you drunkenly try to talk to people about your night out? Where else can you invent new games like the Piss Olympics and tell people about how you are going to shove an onion up your bosses arse? – you don’t have to answer these questions they are merely rhetorical!

I should point out that I do actually have a great “real” life too, and my number of tweets is more to do with the fact that I enjoy your company than the fact that I sit in a room all day either tweeting or wanking!

Saying that I hope that over the past few of years I have done what I intended to do on Twitter. To make you laugh & keep you entertained, to be somebody you feel you can chat to whether you were feeling up, down (or even bent over ;-D), and to be somebody who will reply to anybody. I might not be to the taste of everybody but who is? Without sounding like a big head I think I am a pretty decent, genuine person and I hope that comes across on Twitter.

So whether we speak often or have never tweeted each other before feel free to tweet me anytime. I always try to reply, although given the number of people I follow I do sometimes miss tweets or am slow replying, so never think I am being ignorant. Most of all never take me too seriously because I am mainly about having a laugh and a bit of banter.

And now as I look back on almost 115,000 tweets over three years (though technically more like 2 & a half years) I hope I will be still going strong in on 6th July 2014 on my 5th Anniversary and I hope that you will still be along for the ride.

Lots of love, hugs, kisses from a really big Twanker
@Gazabell

Boots & Cats! Boots & Cats!

Sound the fanfare! Set off the fireworks! Toot your horn (easy now!) and let out a huge HURRAH! For it is that time again! We have reached another Britain's Got Dance Acts & Lots Of Singers but No Real Variety Final. It doesn't seem that long ago until Scottish Sex Siren, Susan Boyle, put Britain firmly on the map to show that not only do we have the sexiest women on the planet, but we also know how to shake our hips at middle aged men and can knock a tune out if we want to. Since then we have had a succession of successful singers and dance groups that have won the competition. I can't name them all off the top of my head mind you but I am sure they are very successful even so. 

Tonight (well unless you are reading this much later!) we will see 6 singing acts (no its not XFactor even though it might seem like it!) take on 3 dance acts & 1 synchronised swimming act proving without a doubt that variety is not dead (unless you are a comedian, magician, bell ringer, impressionist, trampolinist, big spinny hoop person, martial arts act, pianist, contortionist, ventriloquist, puppeteer, laser harpist, or pan wearing Dalek Impersonator). 


As I type this the Judges are getting their 2nd coat of Cuprinol and their teeth Tip-Exed in preparation for tonight. While they are doing that I will once again use my position at Syco as Simon Cowell's hairstylist to give you some backstage gossip, just like I did about Jean Martyn & Frankie Cocknocker when they were involved with the company. So without further ado let us see what we have in store for tonight:-

Ashleigh & Pudsey

We British love our pets and so it is no surprise that we have a dancing dog in the final this year. She has also brought a canine with her and is a hot favourite to win, as people go wild over seeing a little dogging walking around on 2 legs groping the hips of a woman, while Simon Cowell will be smiling like a gurning fool because he is really really into bestiality. They will be dancing tonight to 90s classic Doop by the band Doop.

Aquabatique

A Saturday night full of wet women eh? A Typical Saturday night for any woman who spends time in my company ;) But these women aren't just ordinary women - no they are women who can keep their mouths shut for more than two minutes! A rarity nowadays eh lads? lol. These women have taken their inspiration for life from the movie Splash staring Daryl Hannah and have set plans in motion to grab a man and make him live under water with them forever. Yes even the woman with the odd shaped boobs. I doubt they will win today but they will there to give the men something to look at to balance up for the women perving off Jonathan. They will be swimming to the song Under The Sea

Jonathan & Charlotte

Porcelain faced sex god Jonathan breezed his way into the finals bringing his chubby singing partner along with him for the ride. Little is known about him apart from her spends 12 hours a day masturbating over Charlotte's Facebook page and spends at least 3 hours a day singing very loudly in an Operatic Voice at full pelt in a tramps face. Rumour has it that this is his second crack at stardom so he will have an experience factor that others won't.....

 Rumour has it that they will sing an operatic version of 1993 No1 Hit Mr Blobby

Kai and Natalia

I can think of literally nothing vaguely amusing to write about this duo, which sort of suggests that I find them a bit boring, even though they are good at what they do. I think they have Strictly No Chance of winning. They are dancing to the theme tune from Blockbusters

Loveable Rogues

They might be Loveable Rogue who are highlighting just how sexy a musical instrument the Ukulele is but using my mums very stringent rule that anyone who wears shoes & trousers without socks is a pervert I'm afraid I won't be supporting them. I may have a go at writing my own song about real life things. If it's about things I am into then it may well be calling the Drinky Wanking Song! :)  Loveable Rogues will be singing another self-penned song about real life called Simon Offered Us A Record Deal If We Suck Him Off

Molly Rainford

Now I know it is not considered good form to berate children, but fuck it I am going to. I really don't like the child acts on BGT. They are always very mediocre but because the producers are scared that they will break down and cry like that Adelweiss kid a few years ago they get comments comparing them to Mariah Carey and told they are excellent. If anyone was watching the semi-final that this child was in they would have heard the same slow, boring, slightly off-key dirge I heard? If Molly wins I might have to go on a King Herod style spree to ensure that in a decades time we are not still listening to pointless child acts. She will be singing a very slow version of When I'm Cleaning Windows by George Formby

Nu-Sxool

Paedophiles dream act, Nu-Sxool, have probably been the most subtle in getting their sob story across. Not for them are tales of bullying, discrimination or growing up on the wrong side of the ghetto. They have made their barrier obvious in their spelling. It is obviously a school for Dyslexic people who's only outlet is Dance! It's like a modern day Fame in the making. Saying that although they will be good I don't think I will be as big a fan of their act as Gary Glitter will be. They will be dancing to the original Grange Hill theme during which David Walliams will run on with a sausage on a fork.

Only Boys Aloud

Discrimination still lives on as this womanphobic choir who only allow boys into their singing world reach the finals. Unlike "New School" these did try to use a sob story to get to the final by saying they were bullied. They are Welsh though so what do they expect???? I'm surprised that any bully would want to attack them with their slightly creepy looking Choirmaster protecting them from behind the bushes. I wonder if they will wear their ever so trendy White Shirts & Blue Jeans Summer Bay High uniform tonight? They are singing the Home & Away theme tune.

Ryan O'Shaughnessy

The man with the surname that Dec seems to have a lot of trouble pronouncing (WTF is O'shopmessy?) managed to wangle his way into the final after escaping from the clutches of The Voice Ireland (God knows who the judging panel is on that show? Dana, Daniel O'Donnell, one of the Nolans and probably Kian from Westlife I reckon) and writing two of his own songs (they wont be as good as the Drinky Wanking Song though!). Poor Ryan, despite having Teeth that make Cowell stiffer than a 5 week dead corpse, and being a very talented song writer, has still not been able to get the girl of her dreams to open her legs...I mean heart... to him. He is not too concerned about winning tonight, but rather capturing the love of his life. Maybe when he sings his new ballad "I've Never Seen A Big Bushy Fanny Before" she will finally cave in and hook up with him.

 Sam Kelly

Named after the esteemed actor of Porridge, On The Up and Barbara fame, Sam took to music so he could earn enough money to get his other arm tattooed. He wants a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine on there and a picture of Alicia Dixon noshing off Simon Cowell. He hopes to win tonight with his cover version of Snooker Loopy by Chas & Dave.

The Wild Card!

Don't forget we also have a Wild Card act in the final! Will it be Pissed & Twulse Junior? Will it be The Fix....erm I mean The Mend. Will it be Billy George and his giant hoop (I thought I had misheard it at first and it was Boy George who I believe also has a big hoop)? 

I personally hope that it is none other than the sexiest winky organ manipulator on the planet....

We can but live in hope! 

Failing that maybe this chap could go on and sing The Shoop Shoop Song in the style of a Dalek? 

There you go with your guide to the Britain's Got Talent Final 2012. Hope it gave you at least a bit of a chuckle and if not tough shit I'm no David Walliams.

Catch you on Twitter

@Gazabell

PS: I don't hate children, the Welsh, the Irish, singers, dance acts, Simon Cowell's teeth, women, men, Orangutans or hoops. I do hate Jedward though.

Who is she? Who is she?

We as a nation are obsessed by our celebrities. I don’t know why it happens and I don’t know why we take such an interest in them. Actually I do. It’s because, at the end of the day, we are all a bunch of right nosey bastards. That’s why when reality television really kicked off about 15 years ago it was only a matter of time before we got celebrity versions of shows. It’s all very well watching “normal” (i.e. Fame hungry wannabes) people in these shows, but what we really want to see if people we think we know, and with most celebrities we do think we already know them, and the TV Producers knew that and decided that Celebrity Versions would draw us all in. Do you know what? They were right – we love to see people get humiliated in this country; we love to see people out of their comfort zones doing things that they don’t like doing, and that’s why we keep watching these shows.

Of course the TV Producers do stretch the word “celebrity” to almost breaking point, as we shall see later on in this blog, because there is no way that someone whose career is going well is going to wank a pig, eat a kangaroo dick or subject themselves to high definition Bruce Forsyth (rumoured to be akin to a testicle with a face), but no matter what, each time these shows come on and we sit there looking at the screen saying “Who the fuck is Aggro Santos?” and “How does failing your driving test so many times make you famous?” we will still tune in to the human circus that is Celebrity Reality TV.

If you are reading this just as I have written it (don’t worry I will be plugging it like a Dutch boy with a finger in a dyke) then you will know that Channel 5 (or is it just Five now?) have graced us with “Celebrity” Big Brother 2012 (a mere 5 months after the last one?). If you are reading it months or years later then (A) what took you so long?, and (B) I told you [insert name of winning celebrity] would win it didn’t I? If you are watching it then you will already know that a show like this is made for Twitter. If you read the Hashtag #cbb then you will get to see some very funny tweets about the show from the witty & urbane Tweeps on there. I will certainly be joining in the tweeting (@Gazabell or more likely if I overtweet @Gazabelljailed) and I suggest that you do to, because it is a lot of fun.

If you have never watched a reality TV show before I suggest that you watch this. These “celebrities” are really just people who obviously need some exposure, have got fuck all to do, or got offered good money – no matter how many times they say they wanted the experience, needed a break, or just wanted to have fun. You may not know who the “celebrities” are in this series (I must admit I had to look up a couple of them) so I have done you a handy guide to help you out….

Andrew Stone

This poor man’s Lionel Blair is a self-professed Triple-Threat, which seems to mean is a Twat, Fuckwit & Cunt, and apparently people who like him call him the “Starman” (i.e. he & he alone calls himself “Starman”). He ‘shot to fame’ by being on that show with Louis Spence, where he was out camped, out danced & out-liked by the middle-aged twisty lispy juggernaut. However, he is apparently the Cream that rises to the top he claims, though it looks like the cream has curdled and now smells of sick. Nevertheless this straight as a slinky gobshite thinks he is in with a shot of winning. He will be lucky to outlast Frankie Cocknocker.

Denise Welsh

She might look like Eddie Izzard in drag but Denise has the drinking ability of Oliver Reed. According to my mum Denise is a renowned “Slaaaaaaggg” and it must be said that from what I have seen of her she makes your average cougar look like a nun, though you get the feeling that she is just playing up to this image. Denise is will mainly spend this series looking for booze, drunkenly coming onto anyone with a dick (watch out Sonia!) and flashing her middle-aged tits at anyone who glances at her

Frankie Cocknocker

Neglected Ewok lookalike & spotty Herbert Frankie is listed as an “Entertainer” on the official Big Brother Facebook Page. I didn’t know that spreading various STDs around was quite so entertaining, but apparently it is. Despite looking like he has not had a wash for 3 years, and he is wearing a back-to-front wig, this squashed face young clapbag will probably stay in for a fair bit, as apparently teenage girls nowadays like nothing better than being biffed by a green discharge ridden dick with the promise that they can have their name tattooed on a bum. It has to be said that I am not a fan of this person, as I have already mentioned in a previous blog. This may become apparent in my tweets.

Gareth Thomas

Old faced 37 year old Gareth likes nothing better than having his face in pair of big hairy meaty thighs, a man behind him & grabbing odd shaped balls. Oh and I think he played Rugby or something. I don’t think he will face any homophobia in the house because he looks like he snap anyone he wants to in half in there, and in all probability he will be a favourite to win.

Georgia Salpa

Beautiful Georgia is beautiful, and is famous for…..erm being beautiful. Possibly the biggest contender on this years “Who the fuck is that?” scenario is this beautiful woman, who despite being beautiful, is apparently most famous for modelling underwear. No wonder nobody recognises her face, which is beautiful of course. She will spend her time in the house being beautiful and talking in some kind of Is it/Isn’t it Irish accent but nobody will be listening to her anyway, just staring at her because she is beautiful. She will be lucky not to get an STD of Frankie Cocknocker.

Kirk Norcross

No show of 2011/2012 would be complete without an appearance by somebody off TOWIE. Because nothing draws in ratings like a “celebrity” off a show which is only shown on ITV2 (a station that gets fewer viewers than 5) and is watched mainly by morons who like their shows faked to within an inch of their life. Expect such catchphrase gems to be heard as “shut up” “Reem” “Ufkefafka” “In da blingo” and “Woppelychoppely” (please note I don’t watch the show and have taken liberties with some of these catchphrases). These reality shows always have a loveable rogue – this is your one for this year, so he will probably go far.

Kristina & Karissa

These pinch-nosed, odd-faced 'glamour' ladies are basically famous for shagging an octogenarian man. These twin Playbunnies are models apparently and are supposed to drive men mad with desire, but I think by the end of their stay you can take the words “with desire” out of the equation. As far as sex appeal goes they are outdone by at least 2 of the other women, maybe even Natasha Giggs and at a push Denise Izzard (sorry Sonia), but they have the potential to be more annoying than those Irish fuckwits Twit & Twat (is that even possible?).

Michael Madsen

Gravel voiced American, Michael, drinks petrol and gargles shards of glass to get his husky voice. He must be a renowned exposer, because a lot of people said to him “Free Willy” but we will have to wait and see. He is the most likely person to not have a fucking clue what is going on in the house, and will probably leave after a few days.

Natalie “Sonia” Cassidy

Trumpet loving, Transvestite look-a-like, Sonia has gone into the Big Brother house because she needs the money. When not rubbing it in people’s faces that she brought out a fitness DVD, creamed all the money, & then put her weight back on, Sonia likes to call people “Babes” in an attempt to annoy them. To be fair though I think she has got a good chance of winning the show, as she seems to be down to earth. She will do herself lots of favours by ragging Nicola McClean around the house.

Natasha Giggs

Yes it has come to this. Apparently nowadays you qualify as a celebrity if you have shagged someone famous. Watch out Celebrity Big Brother 2013 I’m coming to get you, because I once had a night of passion with Grotbags, and went to a very interesting party with Michael Barrymore……erm which I am not allowed to talk about. Natasha basically got nobbed by her brother-in-law which was in the papers – ergo she is now a celebrity. I don’t expect her to be in the show long.

Nicola McLean

Big tits, giganto jugs, massive mamms, Nicola was not content with having one shot at reality TV fame in I’m A Celebrity….. It seems that being less popular than 80s sadcase & extremely unlikable twat, David Van Day, has driven her to have another crack at getting herself 5 more minutes of fame. Nicola is sure to win the viewers over by bragging about all her money, jewellery and going on about the fact that she is a mother CONSTANTLY. She would be better off keeping her mouth shut and sitting there with her norks out for 3 weeks.

Romeo Dunn

Frank Bruno sound-a-like Romeo is a rapper, and is especially good at doing those fiddly little bows and those little tags you get with the paper. Hohohohohoho just my little joke, he was a member of So Solid Crew, which leads me to question how solid you actually are if you have to have the back up of 20 other people? He would be more solid if he only had 5 people to back him up in a fight surely? They ain’t so solid to me! Romeo is hoping to last a while because the last time he was on telly it only took him 21 seconds to go.

Annie Thing

This is the one contestant I couldn't find something out about. I am not really sure who she is, but it is possible that she also goes under the name of Annie Pointers, Annie Tips, Annie Way, Annie Ofthem, Annie Love, Annie Makeup. Whoever she is Brian Dowling mentioned her lots, but I have yet to see her in it, and I don't think we even saw her come out to be honest. I am going to keep on watching though, just in case we see this mysterious Annie!

So that’s it people – your cast of characters for Celebrity Big Brother 2012. I would say whether you like reality TV or not it is definitely worth a watch to see how it goes, and if you are watching I really recommend you keep an eye on Twitter too on the #cbb hashtag - some of the people who tweet about it make the show much more enjoyable, and I think that even if you don't like it you will still get a bit of a laugh out of it :)

If you decide to watch it then enjoy the show, and if you don't well at least you read this and that made it worth my time watching it.

Peace Out

@Gazabell

A Christmas Cracker

Well it's that time of year again. Time to jingle your bells, polish your baubles, feed your reindeer, give your fairy a good wipe down & dispense off-colour smutty comments with look seemingly innocent, but when in the hands of a master smut dispenser give the Yule period an extra sparkle. It's Christmas Eve, and poor Santa, who only comes once a year (so different to me!) is getting ready to shoot down your chimney, empty his sack and fill you to the brim with festive deposits, so whack on some Christmas tunes, baste your turkey & wop it in a hot oven!

I am currently at that stage now where I am still considering & still putting off wrapping my presents but I know I will knuckle down in a minute and get on with it all, but before I do I just want to share something with you that I got off the amazingly funny @williamstafford off Twitter at the first Christmas Party I went to this year (in November).

Who are the perfect dinner guests to invite to your Christmas Party?

Emma Dreaming

Arthur White

Chris Muss

Jess Likedee

Juan Zi

Hugh Sterno

Wendy Treetops-Glisten

Ann Chilled-Wren

Liz Anne

"Two Ears" Laybelle

Cindy Snow

Emma Dreaming

Arthur White

Chris Mussunt

Avery Chris

Miss Carr

Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby

Mary-Ann Bright

Ann May Hall-York-Rhys

Mrs B White

This is just a little blog to wish all of my Twitter Followers, Facebook Friends, Google+ers (who I don't know most of) a very, smutty, sexy, horny, loving, cuddly, happy, wonderful, marvellous

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

If I could get to each and everyone of you with my mistletoe (which I usually hang from my belt!) for a nice kiss I most definitely would. Have a great festive period & if you see me about say hi :)

@Gazabell xxx

PS - oh yes I did reach 100,000 tweets well before 2012 - my heartfelt thanks can be found HERE

Frankie do we remember you?

So it's official then! STD ridden, neglected Ewok look-a-like Frankie Cocknocker has been kicked out of the X-Factor for breaking one of the "Golden Rules". Is it terribly rude that I am glad he got kicked out. Not just the fact that he can't sing. It does my head in that he is bigged up as a party animal. If he is a party animal I must be like Oliver Reed!

Anyway you are probably more intrigued by the words "Golden Rules" and I can reveal the answers to you. As you may remember I work for Simon Cowell and can give you the inside story from SyCo about these mystery "Golden Rules". There are 10 of these said rules which vary each year and they are to be strictly adhered to at all times or the Wrath Of Cowell ("Cooooooowwwwwwwellllllll") will descend up you. These very strict rules or "Cowell Commandments" this year are, in no particular order:-

1. Thou Shalt Not Leave Your fetid cock discharge on Tulisa's pillow
2. Thou Shalt Not put Dermot's suits on a shrink wash
3. Thou Shalt Not out Louis Walsh
4. Thou Shalt Not swap Craig Colton's slimfast for protein shake
5. Thou Shalt Not hide one of Kitty Brucknell's eyebrows
6. Thou Shalt Not call Kelly Rowland "an annoying fucking c*nt" y'all
7. Thou Shalt Not wear your wig back to front
8. Thou Shalt Not claim that Steve Brookstein was the greatest ever XFactor winner
9. Thou Shalt Not call everyone RACHEL ADEDEJI in the style of Peter Dickinson
10. Thou Shalt Not get "Dawn Barlow" tattooed on your arse

If you can manage to stick to all of these commandments then you have every chance of reaching the final. At least now we don't have to worry about all these teenage slags who want to get poked by Frankie's green, blistered, dick voting for him. To those that did vote for him because you thought he was fit I say to you that this is what you could expect to see in the future

Welcome To The World Of Tomorrow...

Hello my friends and loyal blog readers. For those of you who may not know I recently became an uncle for a second time, as my new nephew Jack was born this week. He is only 4lbs at the moment because he is 6 weeks early, but he is looking great and will soon be home with his family.

Well it got me thinking that my nephew is being born five decades after me (which is strange when you think about that I have been alive in 5 different decades even though I am only 32! But count them 70’s [barely!] 80’s, 90’s, Noughties & the Tensies [whatever this is called]) and the world has changed so much over this time.

I thought I would do this blog so in 2029 when he is 18 he can look back and see some of the differences there are between the world of my generation and the world of his generation. So let me bridge the gap now between 2011 and 2029 – don’t worry this blog has a built in Flux Capacitor so you don’t have to leave the room.

Twatty Celebrities

You may not know this but Prime Minister Joey Essex was once just a reality TV star in the early 10’s. He might be the most tanned Prime Minister in history now, but back in 2011 the young Joey Essex & his annoying gaggle of scripted friends gained a following amongst the less cerebral people amongst this generation. Not only that but the woman you now know as Dame Katie Price was not yet completely made of plastic – some parts of her were still originals, I think it is her ankles and little finger. Also as you may remember from your history class we have also had to put up with Jedward – I know you won’t know much about them after their not-so-tragic disappearance in Liverpool in 2012 – but my good they were annoying, it is a good job I still remember about that cellar and feed the annoying pair of bastards….oh wait I have said too much forget about that.

Saying that I suppose it is not all one way traffic - at least I had the preparation of hearing Victoria Beckham sing to prepare myself for the onslaught of Harper 7 Beckham that was released on the world. And I can tell you now that nobody in a million years would have thought George Michael and Britney Spears would get married in 2011. As I was saying to Lady Wincey Willis the other day in the House of Lords celebrities in the 80s 90s & 00s where much superior to those in the 2020’s

World Affairs

We are living in a time of unrest in the world. Countries at war with each other – dictators dropping like flies, Europe on the brink of financial ruin, but you are probably planning your trip to Marmaris in the People’s Republic of West China now, but here in 2011 that country was called Turkey. Who would have thought that so much of the world would be under Chinese control now. President Timberlake needs to keep an eye on things really. Still I suppose it makes Geography easy for you. You won’t need to learn the capital of any Ukraine or Turkey, or Russia now that they are all ruled from Beijing. By the way how the hell did Coca-Cola get to build that giant Logo on the moon? It used to look so beautiful!

Technology

You don’t realise how lucky you are with your Virtual Reality, iPhone 25 and 180million megapixel cameras. When I was growing up we had to make do with Nokia phones! And Sega Mega Drives! And camera that you had to put film in and wind up to take a picture….and they only held 24 pictures on the film! There is no way I could happy slap a policeman and record it for YouTube. I had to get a mate to do a flick pad drawing and gather crowds around me in town! We had to use control pads to use a console when I was growing up and we had to use our fingers to dial numbers! And if you ask me 5D TV is far too many D’s to watch a television programme. The smell of Bruce Forsyth’s formaldehyde turns my stomach and his hands feel like parchment now! I must admit though I like those planes that go in space, it tickles my balls when we come back down, like driving over a bridge quickly.

Music

Now while you are there listening to that Nu-Electro music or whatever it’s called you will never know about Chakademus & Pliers, Lutricia McNeal, Scooch, Cleopatra (comin’ athca) or the Vengaboys, but we had real music in our day. The great Tom Jones still had his own hips in 2011 and while he may still be packing out arenas in 2029 it is just not the same watching him sing Sexbomb with an Oxygen Mask on. And while you might think of Westlife as classical music to us they are just a band that recycled the same song 500 times and never forgot about the key change in the final fifth. You need to check out some timeless music like Queen, ELO, Steps, and Take That! And I know that some of the women there are going wild over One Direction reforming, but I remember them when they were 5 spotty herberts who liked to sing on Perspex boxes.

It’s been a short guide Jack, but in spite of people thinking that I drink daily and so will be long gone through cirrhosis of the liver I am still alive as you well know. I fact wasn’t my 50^th Birthday party a great laugh. I’ve still got it haven’t I? Singing that classic F*ck You & shaking my still rather fine ass all over the dance floor, so if you want to know more just come and find me. I am your uncle after all & I am always there for you :)

A bit of a blogette really – not one of my best but hopefully it gave the odd chuckle along the way. I will endeavour to do blogs as regularly as I can. I just need a little inspiration sometimes so if you have any ideas for a topic you want to see let me know, or even if you want me to host a blog for you if you have your own masterpiece you want to share I am always happy to do that :)

@Gazabell

Bitchin' in 'Beefa

I was tempted to call this blog, what I did on my holidays by Gary Bell aged 32 and a bit, but I did not have to write this on my first day back in Primary School with what I used to call “September Hand” – you know that feeling you used to get when you had a whole 6 weeks off school and couldn’t hold a pen when you first went back. Instead I have opted for the title Bitchin’ in ‘Beefa because – well I went to Ibiza, and I did a lot of bitching. If you are a regular follower of mine then you will know that apart from my legendary shafts of wit (not a spoonerism) and my unbridled flirting (me flirt??) that I am rather fond of nicknaming people and taking the mickey out of them. Well you might not know this but in real life I have a female equivalent who just happens to be one of my best mates in the who world, and it was her, Roz, who I went on holiday with. As a result I think nearly everyone on holiday was given a nickname of some sort – why bother learning real names when you can let your mate know who you are talking about with a nice nickname. This might take a while so I will introduce you to the cast of characters:-

The Hotel Guests

The Proclaimers
This is standard procedure for me – if I meet 2 Scottish people at the same time they are always called the Proclaimers if they are the same sex, or the Krankies if they are different sex, unless they can be defined by some other Scottishness (as you will see). Well this nickname didn’t stick as it turned out that the 2 Scottish girls we talked to first were part of a group of 4 – we still called them The Proclaimers, but only because they were too nice to give any proper nickname to. You can follow one of the proclaimers on Twitter if you want – the lovely @leisurelyshoes

Kerplunk (aka Scotty Dog, aka Moppatop, aka Spongebob, aka Snoop Dog)
This was Scott, who was from New Zealand, and was travelling the globe. He has natural curly hair which is why we called him Moppatop, but his best nickname became Kerplunk after a night out when we all put straws (especially one of the Proclaimers who took a big handful off the bar) into his hair turning him into human Kerplunk. He got his SpongeBob nickname because as he was travelling he didn’t want to spend money so mooched of the Proclaimers one night.

Hamish McBeth McDougal McScotland McEngland McIreland McWales McTavish (aka Harry Potter)
He was another New Zealand traveller who had the most Scottish name ever – his name was actually Hamish Scotland McTavish – yes his middle name was Scotland! All the other Mc’s came from my “hilarious” attempt at making him sound more Scottish. He had an uncanny resemblance to Harry Potter when he had glasses on too!

Taggart (aka “For fucks sake is she off again the noisy bastard”)
This was a very Glaswegian woman who took great pleasure in saying the word “Murrrrrrderrrrr” like on Taggart hence a very easy nickname to have. She was also pissed most of the holiday, up at 8am and went to bed at 4am by the noise coming out of her. She was quite funny though – she told us that the barman tried to fob her off with a weak vodka so she said “oh crafty c*nt put some bleedin vodka in tha” which he did, only for her to find it too strong to drink. She was really loud though – so loud she made me sound like a Trapist Monk (this may be an exaggeration). I assume her husband was deaf.


The fella who looks like that c*nt who stole the eggs in Jurassic Park
This is a bit of a Ronseal nickname, but it was one of my favourite just because of how long it was. For those of you who haven’t seen Jurassic Park you won’t get this at all, but I mean the man who cut off the power to steal the eggs. This man was from Middlesbrough, and got over the problem of dealing with accents by talking really loud to the person 2 foot away from him.

Old Magnum PI and The Slow Olympian
Old Magnum PI basically looked like Tom Selleck in another 25 years time. He has a lovely luxuriant moustache and was a nice bloke. We called his wife the Slow Olympian because it used to take her about 25 mins to walk the toilet and back, and she would look like she had run a marathon when she got back, all this while about 4 or 5 people would have whizzed the toilet.

Rod Stewart & Red Rum
This was a woman who had the exact same hair as 80s Rod Stewart – we had a little side game with her of if we were near her at the bar or restaurant we had to hum or whistle a Rod Stewart song. Her husband was called Red Rum for the simple reason that he had bandages over his legs.

Big Fat Fucking German Stefan Dennis & his break dancing wife
It was Roz who named Stefan Dennis because he looked a bit like Paul Robinson from Neighbours and because she took a dislike to him because he kept on stirring at her. He stopped when I gave him the fingers one night though. I named his wife because while Roz & I were at a restaurant at the bottom of the stairs of the hotel they came down one night and she fell down a small step and managed to do a 180 degree spin on the floor like a break dancer.

The Scanners
Two posher women who may possibly have booked the wrong holiday, and who spent most of the evening scanning people up and down.


Little Hoffman
This was a teenage lad, who may not have been a full shilling, as he spent most of his days in the pool counting REALLY loud to 3 then going under water before coming out of the water making a noise like a whale blowing out its blow hole. We called him Little Hoffman because he had a touch of the Rain Man about him “oh ohhh forty matches forty matches fly Quantas”.

Clio/Picasso/Fiesta/Saxo
The young girl called Kia who we invariably named after any other brand of car

Frauline Patsy
This woman was a German who was constantly pissed. I don’t mean nicely drunk I mean Tramp drunk! She was stagger past us in the same white jeans every day looking like she didn’t have a clue what was happening. She had a look of a woman we work with Patsy so that’s where she got her nickname from. I used to call her Nut Brittle because she looked like she lived on bar snacks alone.

The Bidets
A couple who told us a funny story about the woman’s dad thinking a bidet was a foot washer

Bella Emberg, Miss Piggy & the man who needed an operation to get his clothes removed
These only came during the last few days and the nicknames are pretty self-explanatory. We weren’t actually sure that Bella Emberg was born a woman – she had the most unusual body shape I have ever seen on a woman! The man who needed an operation to get his clothes removed actually just wore the exact same clothes every day.

The Sad Sloth
Was a girl on holiday with her mate who thought she was much better looking than she actually was, and who put me in mind of a sloth that was rueful over some lost moment.

The OAPaedofiles
An old couple who took pictures of each other in various poses around the pool

Sport Billy
Was a huge big fat man who put me in mind of when French & Saunders used to get dressed up as those dirty old men. We called him Sport Billy as he was quite energetic for someone so obese, and could regularly be found breathing heavily near the Table Tennis, Air Hockey or Pool Table

Herman Von Nasalhorn
A German who had a nasal flute – basically it was a piece of wood he stuck up his nose and played Happy Birthday on. He couldn’t speak a word of English so just said “Vunderbar” a lot. He couldn’t even play the A-Team theme tune on his flute!

Three-Eater
Another big piss head who spent all day & night near the pool. Called three eater because he only had 3 teeth.

The low resolution pensioner & her baldy fanny
This was a girl who from a distance looked like she was in her sixties, but in high definition (or close up as you might know it) she was only in her twenties or thirties. She sat opposite us one evening and it looked like she had a huge baldy minge on show, but it turned out to be an optical illusion made by her thighs.

The Staff

Big Belly Shrivel Dick
This was the bar man Toni, who affectionately (we think) used to call us Greedy English, tell us off for being noisy of a night, then be our best mate of a day time. He didn’t have a nickname apart at first apart from “Spanish Alan” because he looked like a man we both used to work with. However, when he saw Roz eating biscuits he told her to stop because she would end up with a big fat arse. After deciding that calling him “a cheeky fucker” wasn’t enough it was Roz who said she should have said to him “Oi big belly shrivel dick I’ll eat what I want” and the name stuck.

Lego Head
Another bar man and the tallest Spaniard I have ever seen. He looked like his hair was made of Lego and he could take it off and swap it whenever he wanted to

Jeeeeesusssss (aka Juan Sheet)
Not even a nickname – his name was Jesús (Heysus) – but it always sounded funnier if you just called him Jesus. He did look like Juan Sheet off the Bounty Adverts

The Innumerable Old Spanish Dwarves
The hotel restaurant seemed to be stocked full of very tiny old Spanish waitresses!

The Randoms

Heinrich Remover
A German we met a few times in one of the bars – he was a really nice lad who struggled with English until I taught him a bit of Scouse “De do dough dondee dough”. His name was Heinrich and originally he was known as Heinrich Manouver, but Roz got pissed on Cherry Coke Cocktails & drunkenly called him Heinrich Remover & that stuck

Markus The Sex Pest
Heinrich’s mate who was pissed the 2nd time we met him and was all over one of the Proclaimers until he eventually got dragged away by Heinrich.

Just Jackie & Her Cat Attracting Fanny
Scouse compare at one of the bars, with jokes she obviously stole from Pauline Daniels. The older people at the hotel loved her and went to her pub most nights. Me & Roz had a theory that she had some kind of vaginal problem as random cats seemed to follow her everywhere.

Satellite Belly Button
A very drunk homosexualite who took a shine to me, but who pissed me off because he was that bevied and loud during the day and I am only night time sociable when I am abroad. We don’t know if there was anything wrong with the belly button but it was huge! It was bigger than Eamon Holmes face!

The 10 Years Younger Klingon
A possible transvestibule that we saw in San Antonio, who looked like a botoxed Klingon who had been on 10 Years Younger.

Linda La Hughes
A woman who looked the spit of Linda La Hughes from Gimme Gimme Gimme – she had the exact same hair colour!

Mr Rumbold
The man who had big sticky out ears who I made Roz piss herself laughing over when I said “Go and grab those chairs near Mr Rumbold” – youngsters Mr Rumbold was a character in Are You Being Served?

The Speedofiles
A family of three who seemed very pleased to be all wearing speedos

Norman Wisdom & His Shadow
A drunk in one of the pubs who looked and had the same mannerisms as Norman Wisdom, and who in a strange quirk of nature or possibly a good angle was standing in the exact same position, as a black man just behind him with a hat on

_________

There were so many more but too much time has passed for me to remember everyone now unfortunately. I could make this blog much longer by telling you what happened but I will just give you some of my vague personal highlights:-

• Ring of Fire – which led to
o FANDANGO
o The Covered Eye Telling Off
o Hopping the bar
o Riding a pool queue around the stage
o Diving to the floor
• Pole Dancing – regularly
• Bucking Bronco
• @Leisurelyshoes hangover trip to San Antonio
• Toni saying Rebecca (a Proclaimer) was “dead behind the eyes”
• We Are The Children Of The Night
• The Transvestites visit Peppers 2
• The Old Woman Crying who was actually a bin bag
• Wee Zee’s attempts to get on a Lilo
• Rebecca’s attempts to dive
• Barbara’s turning an insult from an drunken Englishman into an insult to an Englishman
• The Lesbian show down
• The phantom snorer
• My sleeptalking promise to “Take Kate up the Matterhorn”
• The Biscuit Fingerer
• The sleeping Chinese man
• Chasing Roz around the pool table Benny Hill style
• Racing to get the seat facing people in the restaurants
• Farty cankles on the plane on the way out & home
• The fella who looked like the brother of the c*nt who stole the eggs from Jurassic Park having to empty his hand luggage on the way home.
• Saying Das Boot to every German I met as a greeting
• My mangled German version of 99 Red Balloons entitled Numfty-Numpf Red Ballomps
• Singing on Karaoke
• Fat Frogs & Cherry Cola cocktails
• The fitty behind the bar
• Shouting “CHOOOOOOONNN” whenever any old dance songs came on
• Getting a Scottish girl to check if a Transvestite stood up for a wee when he went the ladies
• @leisurelyshoes fuck off face when people got on her nerves
• The fit Burger King we had once my food apathy kicked in

____________________________

So much happened on that holiday in such a short time. All I know is that the weather was brilliant, the people I met were great fun and I drank so much alcohol it was unbelievable. I don’t think this is my best ever blog really but do you know what – at least I will look back on it in a few years and it should rekindle some memories. Maybe you will join me in a round of Numfty-Numpf Red Ballomps as I toast the weird & wonderful people who spent a week shouting “Gaaaaaaarrrrryyyy” & doing a *thumbs up* at me or being a victim of my piss taking ways.

Hasta Lluego Ibiza

@Gazabell

Behind The Bars: The Gazabelljailed Story

Hello All

It's been a week since his last one but the talents of @mrtomsimpson are never ending it seems. He has only done another edition of Toms News, this one is about my alter ego - the erstwhile @gazabelljailed - read on as you hear the truth about what lies beneath the bars

@gazabell

TOMS NEWS October 2011

@Gazabelljailed - THE TRUTH

During moments of high frequency tweeting all of gazabells loyal, beautiful, sexy followers will be aware that he disappears from out timelines, to be replaced by gazabelljailed. Some people think this is just gaz himself, tweeting from a different account as he’s been thrown into twitter jail. Dearest readers I have uncovered the truth and it’s a lot more darker than a photo shopped black and white profile picture covered in bars…

The fact is gazabelljailed is gazabells evil twin, sentenced to life imprisonment many years ago for drunkenness, bad innuendo, cursing of the worst kind against celebrities, incorrect spelling, excess masturbation and smutty sleaziness towards his impressionable followers. When gazabelljailed appears on twitter, he has broken free from prison, knocked out our own dear gaz and set about ruining his untainted, angelic reputation. For example Gaz would never make references to male genitals, fellatio or mindless drinking.

Dressed in my smartest suit I made a visit to the high security institution gazabelljailed is currently incarcerated in. Following several, rigorous thorough searches and security checks I was allowed in. I walked along the eerie corridor, lined floor to ceiling with metal bars to the clear glass cell at the end. My first glimpse of gazabelljailed was just what I expected: prison pallor, dressed in regulation dungarees from Grundy Televisions 1980s smash hit Prisoner, hands cuffed behind his back with a look of seething frustration and anger on his face. I could only compare the look he gave me as that what Hannibal Lecter gives to Clarice Starling in the 1991 film Silence of the Lambs. Yet although the grim appearance he welcomed me with a cheerful “good morning, you’s alright” and the offer of a diet Pepsi. His cell was lined with row upon row of well used tablets of soap, boxes of Kleenex for men and a variety of unlabeled DVD’s, it was remarkably tidy although I did notice his waste bin was full to the brim with empty bags of Doritos, water bottles, timeout wrappers and used stiff tissues.

I questioned him extensively, probing deeply as to why he makes these unwanted visits onto our timelines (generally 8-10pm but occasionally morning too) and his response was he thinks his twin chatters far too much to far too many nice people and he wants in on the action. He is sick of feeling left out of the cool gang and playing second fiddle to everyone’s favourite. I also managed to ascertain how he escapes the guards and confines of prison, but this being a family newspaper it would be unacceptable to print.

I gained the following information though, once he has escaped he tracks down gazabell, knocks him out with chloroform and then opens his @gazabelljailed account. He then makes attempts at pretending to be his brother, locked out by twitter wanting help and assistance from the hell hole that is twitter jail. He then gets inundated with kindness and sympathy and offers of help from all the sexy followers and he laps then up like a cat with a saucer of jersey cream.

Gazabelljailed was leering at me throughout the interview and made lots of smutty remarks. I was warned beforehand of course, but it all got a little too much for me so I left him in the company of the guards and headed back to the main entrance. The guards on duty explained to me about these escapes gazabelljailed makes, they couldn’t tell me how he does it but did say he is always caught within 2 hours, they return him to his cell and attend to the real gazabell, bring him back to consciousness and establish him back on twitter, he is generally unaware anything has happened, he just thinks he dozed off. The guards were anxious to let all followers know not to fall for the pleas for cakes with nail files, dynamite, help with tunnel building etc. It’s all just an act to make you believe you are talking to the real gazabell, its best to just chat to him as normal until the help arrives and he goes silent again. As I left the institution I could hear the faint sounds of someone singing “on the inside”, water running and bars of soap being dropped.

So readers you now know the truth about gazabelljailed, he cannot be trusted, who wants a dangerous predator on the loose in one of the UK’s major cities. What we want is him safely contained and his account removed so we can all enjoy multitalented gazabell witty, slightly dirty, flirty tweets in peace.

“what do we want?”

“GAZABELL”

When do we want it?”

“ALL THE TIME WITHOUT INTERRUPTION FROM GAZABELLJAILED!”

So twitter get your act together, give Gaz 24 hour protection from his evil twin and allow us all to have conversations with him without the worry of evil gazabell jailed getting jealous and escaping.

© T Simpson Productions MMXI All character and events in this story are entirely fictitious, any similarity to real events and people is entirely planned.