I was tempted to call this blog, what I did on my holidays by Gary Bell aged 32 and a bit, but I did not have to write this on my first day back in Primary School with what I used to call “September Hand” – you know that feeling you used to get when you had a whole 6 weeks off school and couldn’t hold a pen when you first went back. Instead I have opted for the title Bitchin’ in ‘Beefa because – well I went to Ibiza, and I did a lot of bitching. If you are a regular follower of mine then you will know that apart from my legendary shafts of wit (not a spoonerism) and my unbridled flirting (me flirt??) that I am rather fond of nicknaming people and taking the mickey out of them. Well you might not know this but in real life I have a female equivalent who just happens to be one of my best mates in the who world, and it was her, Roz, who I went on holiday with. As a result I think nearly everyone on holiday was given a nickname of some sort – why bother learning real names when you can let your mate know who you are talking about with a nice nickname. This might take a while so I will introduce you to the cast of characters:-
The Hotel Guests
This is standard procedure for me – if I meet 2 Scottish people at the same time they are always called the Proclaimers if they are the same sex, or the Krankies if they are different sex, unless they can be defined by some other Scottishness (as you will see). Well this nickname didn’t stick as it turned out that the 2 Scottish girls we talked to first were part of a group of 4 – we still called them The Proclaimers, but only because they were too nice to give any proper nickname to. You can follow one of the proclaimers on Twitter if you want – the lovely @leisurelyshoes
Kerplunk (aka Scotty Dog, aka Moppatop, aka Spongebob, aka Snoop Dog)
This was Scott, who was from New Zealand, and was travelling the globe. He has natural curly hair which is why we called him Moppatop, but his best nickname became Kerplunk after a night out when we all put straws (especially one of the Proclaimers who took a big handful off the bar) into his hair turning him into human Kerplunk. He got his SpongeBob nickname because as he was travelling he didn’t want to spend money so mooched of the Proclaimers one night.
Hamish McBeth McDougal McScotland McEngland McIreland McWales McTavish (aka Harry Potter)
He was another New Zealand traveller who had the most Scottish name ever – his name was actually Hamish Scotland McTavish – yes his middle name was Scotland! All the other Mc’s came from my “hilarious” attempt at making him sound more Scottish. He had an uncanny resemblance to Harry Potter when he had glasses on too!
Taggart (aka “For fucks sake is she off again the noisy bastard”)
This was a very Glaswegian woman who took great pleasure in saying the word “Murrrrrrderrrrr” like on Taggart hence a very easy nickname to have. She was also pissed most of the holiday, up at 8am and went to bed at 4am by the noise coming out of her. She was quite funny though – she told us that the barman tried to fob her off with a weak vodka so she said “oh crafty c*nt put some bleedin vodka in tha” which he did, only for her to find it too strong to drink. She was really loud though – so loud she made me sound like a Trapist Monk (this may be an exaggeration). I assume her husband was deaf.
The fella who looks like that c*nt who stole the eggs in Jurassic Park
This is a bit of a Ronseal nickname, but it was one of my favourite just because of how long it was. For those of you who haven’t seen Jurassic Park you won’t get this at all, but I mean the man who cut off the power to steal the eggs. This man was from Middlesbrough, and got over the problem of dealing with accents by talking really loud to the person 2 foot away from him.
Old Magnum PI and The Slow Olympian
Old Magnum PI basically looked like Tom Selleck in another 25 years time. He has a lovely luxuriant moustache and was a nice bloke. We called his wife the Slow Olympian because it used to take her about 25 mins to walk the toilet and back, and she would look like she had run a marathon when she got back, all this while about 4 or 5 people would have whizzed the toilet.
Rod Stewart & Red Rum
This was a woman who had the exact same hair as 80s Rod Stewart – we had a little side game with her of if we were near her at the bar or restaurant we had to hum or whistle a Rod Stewart song. Her husband was called Red Rum for the simple reason that he had bandages over his legs.
Big Fat Fucking German Stefan Dennis & his break dancing wife
It was Roz who named Stefan Dennis because he looked a bit like Paul Robinson from Neighbours and because she took a dislike to him because he kept on stirring at her. He stopped when I gave him the fingers one night though. I named his wife because while Roz & I were at a restaurant at the bottom of the stairs of the hotel they came down one night and she fell down a small step and managed to do a 180 degree spin on the floor like a break dancer.
Two posher women who may possibly have booked the wrong holiday, and who spent most of the evening scanning people up and down.
This was a teenage lad, who may not have been a full shilling, as he spent most of his days in the pool counting REALLY loud to 3 then going under water before coming out of the water making a noise like a whale blowing out its blow hole. We called him Little Hoffman because he had a touch of the Rain Man about him “oh ohhh forty matches forty matches fly Quantas”.
The young girl called Kia who we invariably named after any other brand of car
This woman was a German who was constantly pissed. I don’t mean nicely drunk I mean Tramp drunk! She was stagger past us in the same white jeans every day looking like she didn’t have a clue what was happening. She had a look of a woman we work with Patsy so that’s where she got her nickname from. I used to call her Nut Brittle because she looked like she lived on bar snacks alone.
A couple who told us a funny story about the woman’s dad thinking a bidet was a foot washer
Bella Emberg, Miss Piggy & the man who needed an operation to get his clothes removed
These only came during the last few days and the nicknames are pretty self-explanatory. We weren’t actually sure that Bella Emberg was born a woman – she had the most unusual body shape I have ever seen on a woman! The man who needed an operation to get his clothes removed actually just wore the exact same clothes every day.
The Sad Sloth
Was a girl on holiday with her mate who thought she was much better looking than she actually was, and who put me in mind of a sloth that was rueful over some lost moment.
An old couple who took pictures of each other in various poses around the pool
Was a huge big fat man who put me in mind of when French & Saunders used to get dressed up as those dirty old men. We called him Sport Billy as he was quite energetic for someone so obese, and could regularly be found breathing heavily near the Table Tennis, Air Hockey or Pool Table
Herman Von Nasalhorn
A German who had a nasal flute – basically it was a piece of wood he stuck up his nose and played Happy Birthday on. He couldn’t speak a word of English so just said “Vunderbar” a lot. He couldn’t even play the A-Team theme tune on his flute!
Another big piss head who spent all day & night near the pool. Called three eater because he only had 3 teeth.
The low resolution pensioner & her baldy fanny
This was a girl who from a distance looked like she was in her sixties, but in high definition (or close up as you might know it) she was only in her twenties or thirties. She sat opposite us one evening and it looked like she had a huge baldy minge on show, but it turned out to be an optical illusion made by her thighs.
Big Belly Shrivel Dick
This was the bar man Toni, who affectionately (we think) used to call us Greedy English, tell us off for being noisy of a night, then be our best mate of a day time. He didn’t have a nickname apart at first apart from “Spanish Alan” because he looked like a man we both used to work with. However, when he saw Roz eating biscuits he told her to stop because she would end up with a big fat arse. After deciding that calling him “a cheeky fucker” wasn’t enough it was Roz who said she should have said to him “Oi big belly shrivel dick I’ll eat what I want” and the name stuck.
Another bar man and the tallest Spaniard I have ever seen. He looked like his hair was made of Lego and he could take it off and swap it whenever he wanted to
Jeeeeesusssss (aka Juan Sheet)
Not even a nickname – his name was Jesús (Heysus) – but it always sounded funnier if you just called him Jesus. He did look like Juan Sheet off the Bounty Adverts
The Innumerable Old Spanish Dwarves
The hotel restaurant seemed to be stocked full of very tiny old Spanish waitresses!
A German we met a few times in one of the bars – he was a really nice lad who struggled with English until I taught him a bit of Scouse “De do dough dondee dough”. His name was Heinrich and originally he was known as Heinrich Manouver, but Roz got pissed on Cherry Coke Cocktails & drunkenly called him Heinrich Remover & that stuck
Markus The Sex Pest
Heinrich’s mate who was pissed the 2nd time we met him and was all over one of the Proclaimers until he eventually got dragged away by Heinrich.
Just Jackie & Her Cat Attracting Fanny
Scouse compare at one of the bars, with jokes she obviously stole from Pauline Daniels. The older people at the hotel loved her and went to her pub most nights. Me & Roz had a theory that she had some kind of vaginal problem as random cats seemed to follow her everywhere.
Satellite Belly Button
A very drunk homosexualite who took a shine to me, but who pissed me off because he was that bevied and loud during the day and I am only night time sociable when I am abroad. We don’t know if there was anything wrong with the belly button but it was huge! It was bigger than Eamon Holmes face!
The 10 Years Younger Klingon
A possible transvestibule that we saw in San Antonio, who looked like a botoxed Klingon who had been on 10 Years Younger.
Linda La Hughes
A woman who looked the spit of Linda La Hughes from Gimme Gimme Gimme – she had the exact same hair colour!
The man who had big sticky out ears who I made Roz piss herself laughing over when I said “Go and grab those chairs near Mr Rumbold” – youngsters Mr Rumbold was a character in Are You Being Served?
A family of three who seemed very pleased to be all wearing speedos
Norman Wisdom & His Shadow
A drunk in one of the pubs who looked and had the same mannerisms as Norman Wisdom, and who in a strange quirk of nature or possibly a good angle was standing in the exact same position, as a black man just behind him with a hat on
There were so many more but too much time has passed for me to remember everyone now unfortunately. I could make this blog much longer by telling you what happened but I will just give you some of my vague personal highlights:-
• Ring of Fire – which led to
o The Covered Eye Telling Off
o Hopping the bar
o Riding a pool queue around the stage
o Diving to the floor
• Pole Dancing – regularly
• Bucking Bronco
• @Leisurelyshoes hangover trip to San Antonio
• Toni saying Rebecca (a Proclaimer) was “dead behind the eyes”
• We Are The Children Of The Night
• The Transvestites visit Peppers 2
• The Old Woman Crying who was actually a bin bag
• Wee Zee’s attempts to get on a Lilo
• Rebecca’s attempts to dive
• Barbara’s turning an insult from an drunken Englishman into an insult to an Englishman
• The Lesbian show down
• The phantom snorer
• My sleeptalking promise to “Take Kate up the Matterhorn”
• The Biscuit Fingerer
• The sleeping Chinese man
• Chasing Roz around the pool table Benny Hill style
• Racing to get the seat facing people in the restaurants
• Farty cankles on the plane on the way out & home
• The fella who looked like the brother of the c*nt who stole the eggs from Jurassic Park having to empty his hand luggage on the way home.
• Saying Das Boot to every German I met as a greeting
• My mangled German version of 99 Red Balloons entitled Numfty-Numpf Red Ballomps
• Singing on Karaoke
• Fat Frogs & Cherry Cola cocktails
• The fitty behind the bar
• Shouting “CHOOOOOOONNN” whenever any old dance songs came on
• Getting a Scottish girl to check if a Transvestite stood up for a wee when he went the ladies
• @leisurelyshoes fuck off face when people got on her nerves
• The fit Burger King we had once my food apathy kicked in
So much happened on that holiday in such a short time. All I know is that the weather was brilliant, the people I met were great fun and I drank so much alcohol it was unbelievable. I don’t think this is my best ever blog really but do you know what – at least I will look back on it in a few years and it should rekindle some memories. Maybe you will join me in a round of Numfty-Numpf Red Ballomps as I toast the weird & wonderful people who spent a week shouting “Gaaaaaaarrrrryyyy” & doing a *thumbs up* at me or being a victim of my piss taking ways.
Hasta Lluego Ibiza