We as a nation are obsessed by our celebrities. I don’t know why it happens and I don’t know why we take such an interest in them. Actually I do. It’s because, at the end of the day, we are all a bunch of right nosey bastards. That’s why when reality television really kicked off about 15 years ago it was only a matter of time before we got celebrity versions of shows. It’s all very well watching “normal” (i.e. Fame hungry wannabes) people in these shows, but what we really want to see if people we think we know, and with most celebrities we do think we already know them, and the TV Producers knew that and decided that Celebrity Versions would draw us all in. Do you know what? They were right – we love to see people get humiliated in this country; we love to see people out of their comfort zones doing things that they don’t like doing, and that’s why we keep watching these shows.
Of course the TV Producers do stretch the word “celebrity” to almost breaking point, as we shall see later on in this blog, because there is no way that someone whose career is going well is going to wank a pig, eat a kangaroo dick or subject themselves to high definition Bruce Forsyth (rumoured to be akin to a testicle with a face), but no matter what, each time these shows come on and we sit there looking at the screen saying “Who the fuck is Aggro Santos?” and “How does failing your driving test so many times make you famous?” we will still tune in to the human circus that is Celebrity Reality TV.
If you are reading this just as I have written it (don’t worry I will be plugging it like a Dutch boy with a finger in a dyke) then you will know that Channel 5 (or is it just Five now?) have graced us with “Celebrity” Big Brother 2012 (a mere 5 months after the last one?). If you are reading it months or years later then (A) what took you so long?, and (B) I told you [insert name of winning celebrity]
If you have never watched a reality TV show before I suggest that you watch this. These “celebrities” are really just people who obviously need some exposure, have got fuck all to do, or got offered good money – no matter how many times they say they wanted the experience, needed a break, or just wanted to have fun. You may not know who the “celebrities” are in this series (I must admit I had to look up a couple of them) so I have done you a handy guide to help you out….
This poor man’s Lionel Blair is a self-professed Triple-Threat, which seems to mean is a Twat, Fuckwit & Cunt, and apparently people who like him call him the “Starman” (i.e. he & he alone calls himself “Starman”). He ‘shot to fame’ by being on that show with Louis Spence, where he was out camped, out danced & out-liked by the middle-aged twisty lispy juggernaut. However, he is apparently the Cream that rises to the top he claims, though it looks like the cream has curdled and now smells of sick. Nevertheless this straight as a slinky gobshite thinks he is in with a shot of winning. He will be lucky to outlast Frankie Cocknocker.
She might look like Eddie Izzard in drag but Denise has the drinking ability of Oliver Reed. According to my mum Denise is a renowned “Slaaaaaaggg” and it must be said that from what I have seen of her she makes your average cougar look like a nun, though you get the feeling that she is just playing up to this image. Denise is will mainly spend this series looking for booze, drunkenly coming onto anyone with a dick (watch out Sonia!) and flashing her middle-aged tits at anyone who glances at her
Neglected Ewok lookalike & spotty Herbert Frankie is listed as an “Entertainer” on the official Big Brother Facebook Page. I didn’t know that spreading various STDs around was quite so entertaining, but apparently it is. Despite looking like he has not had a wash for 3 years, and he is wearing a back-to-front wig, this squashed face young clapbag will probably stay in for a fair bit, as apparently teenage girls nowadays like nothing better than being biffed by a green discharge ridden dick with the promise that they can have their name tattooed on a bum. It has to be said that I am not a fan of this person, as I have already mentioned in a previous blog. This may become apparent in my tweets.
Old faced 37 year old Gareth likes nothing better than having his face in pair of big hairy meaty thighs, a man behind him & grabbing odd shaped balls. Oh and I think he played Rugby or something. I don’t think he will face any homophobia in the house because he looks like he snap anyone he wants to in half in there, and in all probability he will be a favourite to win.
Beautiful Georgia is beautiful, and is famous for…..erm being beautiful. Possibly the biggest contender on this years “Who the fuck is that?” scenario is this beautiful woman, who despite being beautiful, is apparently most famous for modelling underwear. No wonder nobody recognises her face, which is beautiful of course. She will spend her time in the house being beautiful and talking in some kind of Is it/Isn’t it Irish accent but nobody will be listening to her anyway, just staring at her because she is beautiful. She will be lucky not to get an STD of Frankie Cocknocker.
No show of 2011/2012 would be complete without an appearance by somebody off TOWIE. Because nothing draws in ratings like a “celebrity” off a show which is only shown on ITV2 (a station that gets fewer viewers than 5) and is watched mainly by morons who like their shows faked to within an inch of their life. Expect such catchphrase gems to be heard as “shut up” “Reem” “Ufkefafka” “In da blingo” and “Woppelychoppely” (please note I don’t watch the show and have taken liberties with some of these catchphrases). These reality shows always have a loveable rogue – this is your one for this year, so he will probably go far.
Kristina & Karissa
These pinch-nosed, odd-faced 'glamour' ladies are basically famous for shagging an octogenarian man. These twin Playbunnies are models apparently and are supposed to drive men mad with desire, but I think by the end of their stay you can take the words “with desire” out of the equation. As far as sex appeal goes they are outdone by at least 2 of the other women, maybe even Natasha Giggs and at a push Denise Izzard (sorry Sonia), but they have the potential to be more annoying than those Irish fuckwits Twit & Twat (is that even possible?).
Gravel voiced American, Michael, drinks petrol and gargles shards of glass to get his husky voice. He must be a renowned exposer, because a lot of people said to him “Free Willy” but we will have to wait and see. He is the most likely person to not have a fucking clue what is going on in the house, and will probably leave after a few days.
Natalie “Sonia” Cassidy
Trumpet loving, Transvestite look-a-like, Sonia has gone into the Big Brother house because she needs the money. When not rubbing it in people’s faces that she brought out a fitness DVD, creamed all the money, & then put her weight back on, Sonia likes to call people “Babes” in an attempt to annoy them. To be fair though I think she has got a good chance of winning the show, as she seems to be down to earth. She will do herself lots of favours by ragging Nicola McClean around the house.
Yes it has come to this. Apparently nowadays you qualify as a celebrity if you have shagged someone famous. Watch out Celebrity Big Brother 2013 I’m coming to get you, because I once had a night of passion with Grotbags, and went to a very interesting party with Michael Barrymore……erm which I am not allowed to talk about. Natasha basically got nobbed by her brother-in-law which was in the papers – ergo she is now a celebrity. I don’t expect her to be in the show long.
Big tits, giganto jugs, massive mamms, Nicola was not content with having one shot at reality TV fame in I’m A Celebrity….. It seems that being less popular than 80s sadcase & extremely unlikable twat, David Van Day, has driven her to have another crack at getting herself 5 more minutes of fame. Nicola is sure to win the viewers over by bragging about all her money, jewellery and going on about the fact that she is a mother CONSTANTLY. She would be better off keeping her mouth shut and sitting there with her norks out for 3 weeks.
Frank Bruno sound-a-like Romeo is a rapper, and is especially good at doing those fiddly little bows and those little tags you get with the paper. Hohohohohoho just my little joke, he was a member of So Solid Crew, which leads me to question how solid you actually are if you have to have the back up of 20 other people? He would be more solid if he only had 5 people to back him up in a fight surely? They ain’t so solid to me! Romeo is hoping to last a while because the last time he was on telly it only took him 21 seconds to go.
So that’s it people – your cast of characters for Celebrity Big Brother 2012. I would say whether you like reality TV or not it is definitely worth a watch to see how it goes, and if you are watching I really recommend you keep an eye on Twitter too on the #cbb hashtag - some of the people who tweet about it make the show much more enjoyable, and I think that even if you don't like it you will still get a bit of a laugh out of it :)
If you decide to watch it then enjoy the show, and if you don't well at least you read this and that made it worth my time watching it.