Sunday, 21 November 2010

Don't Forget The Key Change In The Final Fifth

A bit of a Gaelic themed blog for you today, as I pick on the Oirish or rather four Oirish people to be exact, namely Westlife. The laziest band in Pop. Anyone could form a band like Westlife, and I suggest you give it a try because you could end up being the next Louis Walsh, though probably not as much as a C**t and you won't have to dye your hair Stoaty Weasely Grey/brown.
To make your own Westlife you need to follow 5 simple steps.....

STEP 1 - "I have a dream"
To form your new band you need to find 5 decent looking lads, only one of which needs to know how to sing, though if you can find 2 you are set. To make your own Westlife you will need the following types though - the good singer with the strangely shaped head; the secret gay who loves singing and gets all emotional when he is singing about love; one who will struggle with his weight thus providing newspapers with enough fodder that you can keep your gay closeted for years; one who would like to be cute but actually looks a bit like a transvestite; and finally the best looking one who is unfortunately mute. Your new band members must now project an image of good homeloving lads who want to buy their ma a new house.

STEP 2 - "Fool Again"
Save yourself a bit of money and protect the fat singers life by NOT employing a choreographer. Invest in 5 stools (don't worry if one of them leaves to make it as a solo singer you can sell the stool on ebay - just keep all the packaging!) and then dress your singers in suits and have them sitting down in all their concerts thus disguising their woeful dancing skills. This saves even more money because you don't have to rent one of those rooms with a big mirror in it for them to practice or hire Louis Spence.

STEP 3 - "Against All Odds"
The hard part comes now, or does it? You have to have some songs that the public will like and want to buy, but the public are a fickle lot in the most part, so how do you know what they will like? Easy, just rob songs that have already been a top 10 hit and use your formula for making the song have that Westlife sound. Namely, the brief pause followed by a key change in the final fifth where you get the lads (well the two who do the singing) to give it some welly. Don't worry no one will cotton on that you do the same thing in every song until you have made some serious money. To improve your chances of having a hit get a struggling singer from the 80's who wants to promote a Greatest Hits album to duet with you. I'm sure Lionel Richie or Lulu will be available. If all else fails bring out a swing album, it worked for Robbie Williams after all.

STEP 4 -"Flying Without Wings"
Are you finding that you feel that the band is getting a bit stale? How can you spice it up? That's easy too. Encourage the one with the biggest ego to show his real self to the public, he doesn't want to be making sugary pop songs, he wants to prove to the world that he is a real muscian. Let him write a few songs, don't worry you can use them as B-Sides or put them at the arse end of the next album. With any luck he will want to go solo for more credibility - oh no that's a disaster - no it isn't for you - only for him! All you need to do is get the remaining four lads to tell the press that they bravely will carry on with Mr Ego! Time to bring out that swing album to keep the momentum going I think. If things still seem stale after this all you need to do is out the gay one. The press will go wild, the gay community will want to support their fellow gay, it's win win!

STEP 5 - "You Raise Me Up"
It's 10 years since the band have finally split up after their RnB album failed. They've all tried to move on - the good singer with the funny shaped head had a one-hit wonder and is still big in Japan; the gay one came third in Dancing on Stilts; the mute took up DJing, but only gets weddings now; the fat one was given an MOT by Dr Gillian Keith, who just by looking at his poo came up with a diet & he now weighs in at an almost svelte 13st; and the transvestite look-a-like became a judge on I'm In The Mood For Dancing, the show on a quest to find someone to play Berni Nolan in the musical about the Oirish Pop sisters. With all of their careers on the skids now is the perfect time to reform the group and ride a wave of late 90's/early 2000's nostalgia. Get the group on tour and you can even re-release the Greatest Hits Album, and even include that version of 9 to 5 that you had been saving for the winner of X-Factor 14. You don't even have to worry about having groups for supporting artists - Aqua and Louis Bega are gagging for the gig. Pocket yourself another few million squid! Well done - hell you might even get to be reality TV judge yourself - in fact I hear that Ben Elton has written a musical about Another Level and they want you to be the nasty judge!

And there you have it - you very own guide to being a successful Pop Manager -I promise you it's easy - in fact I''ll even 'Swear it again' it's EASY!

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